I have loved to the point of madness; That which is called madness, That which to me, Is the only sensible way to love. -- F. Sagan
I really don't know what to say.
I haven't blogged in nearly two weeks now and still I have nothing to say (LJ-only blogs are different).
Well, actually I do but I do not know where to start. Everything is so bloody confusing right now. A few months ago, we were so bloody sure on what we wanted and now everything is so messed up and vague to the point where you can't see your hand when it is held up in front of your face.
So many unanswered questions, life-shattering choices to be made, and we are almost out of time.
Additionally, it is really hard to breath. Deep sighs (hence the name, Sighmon) are now quite frequent to think they were non-existent a few months back. Seems like a huge chunk inside of me had been ripped out and no amount of heavy breathing fills it up. A big gaping hole were my heart used to be. Well, I did put it back in there somehow, but one could hardly call it a heart anymore.
The positive side to all this is that it opens a whole new window, one which we originally had planned but was willing to give up if things did work out. It would be nice to think that this was not simply our time and just opened the opportunity to explore this option and see how it felt so I wouldn't have to worry about the what if's in the future.
In the meantime, it's not like I am pursuing anything at the moment, I just want to tie up loose ends, hopefully bring back things to the way they used to be before the beans where spilt.
I don't want it to come to the point where I'd start regretting what I did when everything was already so fine and beautiful.
Did I make any sense?
Also if I am getting on anyone's nerves by being so stubborn and tenacious, or am freaking you out already, I want to say am sorry. It's just that I need a little attention. I've never felt so alone in my life.
No One Can Love You Like I Can
(Originally blogged on my LiveJournal account. Archived on July 2, 2005.)
Smile. Smile. Smile.
Shit. It's not working.
Well, it does but not like it did for the past two days.
I can smile and be happy but there is one bigger thing that immediately grabs my
attention and reverts me into a thinking/depressed state.
I do not know what the hell is freaking happening.
Two weeks ago, she mentioned that there was nothing I could hope for from her,
that she was simply the wrong girl for me. She then said that it is better for
me to stop pursuing her or else she would be more distant.
Fine. I can probably live with that, assuming that no guy would just pop up and
sweep her off her feet as easy as it is to pop a balloon with a needle. I would
die if I see that happen.
The following day, things seemed alright at the workplace. It was okay even for
the following week as we'd still talk and have lunch together.
Last weekend, I finally decided to end a week long silence of not messaging her.
She responded in such a cheerful manner, one which I have need seen ever since
she first mentioned that she needed to check her feelings. Called her the next
day, and even though the conversation was cut short (by her), it felt genuine
and great. I just love hearing her laugh.
Come Sunday at work, everything changed. She seems more distant than ever. The
smallest of conversations already feels awkward especially on her end. Messages
are not replied even if they had no indications of pursuing anything. Friendly
thoughtful messages about getting home yet, eating, wishing a good nights sleep.
This is so frustrating. I have been so freaking happy for no reason at all for
the past two days, and the only thing that's holding me back is knowing that we
could be good friends. I mean, she was the one who ended it all and said that we
are better off being friends. As far as I know, I am not doing anything which
would indicate "pursuing" of any sort.
Damn. I feel so alone. I do not even have anyone to talk to.
Batman Begins starts (I wanted to say "Batman Begins begins in a..." but that
would sounded ridiculous) in a few minutes from now and it would entertain me,
but the minute I'd step out I'd be back to this mood.
Smile. Smile. Smile.
Why don't you freaking work?!
"Maybe it wasn't good enough, but I gave you all I could
Would he stay up late when you can't sleep? Cause baby i would." -- Right, the
bottomline is you were not good enough.
"And you're the grim reaper standing down, and letting me feel this way." --
Precisely.
"If you told me you were happy. If you told me that you miss me." -- Hearing
this would make my day, my life.
From Eleven by Taking Back Sunday.
Don't Forget To Take Your Medication
This has to be the weirdest (work) day ever.
A few calls reached close to an hour. Received two kicks from dispatches I created out of carelessness. Pressed the wrong code when I was supposed to be on lunch.
Normally, when a call simply reaches 45 minutes, my mood chances to irate mode and I simply want to get the call over and one with. Rarely does a call last longer than one and a half hours for me. Today, I was pretty calm even though some calls passed the 45 minute mark.
Moving on to kicks, I'd be so frustrated about it making all sorts of excuses about the reason why it happened. This is not due to the penalty we need to cough out every kick we get, but more of an ego thing about when it comes to getting kicks as I rarely do so, and most of the time it is due to utter carelessness. Such was the case today, but I somehow I just laughed it off.
I had my lunch later than the others, called in for permission and pressed the code for break instead of lunch. My mind seemed to be floating away at the time. Only realized this when I was informed that I was already over break. Again, I just laughed this off and went down to have my lunch alone.
The work day eventually came to an end. Time to go home and endure the most depressing part of the day, the ride home.
Such was not the case earlier as I found myself exuberant about something I have yet to know the reason of. It's not like something wonderful happened at work. By all standards, it was a bloody miserable day, but I was simply happy, singing along to Taking Back Sunday and Armor For Sleep, some of which being quite hopeless and depressing songs.
This is not normal for me. When these things happen in the past, I'd be so bloody frustrated at things and when I cannot blame anything else, I eventually blame myself for being like this. The ride home would be long and contain reflections on how my life ended up like this and the things I do not and cannot have.
This time, it was different. I was actually happy and I could say that there was no clear reason for it. That, or maybe I am going crazy. It's not like I took any uppers or anything. I was certainly not high on weed or coke.
Just happy and it felt great.
Felt. I wish I could see some people smile a little more and show how happy they are. I wish I could have that affect on people wherein my presence would just emanate happiness. I wish I could be like that to this one person.
Let's all try to smile a little more even though we may look crazy to others. It does wonders.
stingeyes: Dammit simonsayz! Put the bottle of prozac down. You've had enough already!
simonsayz: It's not me! It's sighmon!
stingeyes: Who the hell?
Uploaded pictures from last night's gig to Shutterfly. If you wanna view them, click here.
Nothing much to say about the gig as it was pretty much normal. Orcs. Check. Tear Gas. Check. Back Stage Access. Check.
Gig finished around 1 in the morning and we decided to have a few drinks in the bar beside Party Central. It was around 6 in the morning when I got home. Not entirely sure about the time, but the sun was already lighting up the horizon.
It reminded me of the last Independence Day Sessions I attended which was way back in 2002 at the Brick Road in Sta. Lucia. I remember getting home sometime in the afternoon of the next day. I had a girlfriend back then who scolded me for being out so late and as to why I only went home by then.
Am not reminiscing or anything, plus consider me weird and all, but it's kind of nice for someone to scold you for not going home early, for going out without permission, and so on. I miss this feeling quite a bit, I think I have too much freedom in my hands and can easily do what the hell I want. There's nothing wrong with this, but if you have been like this since time immemorial, things can get pretty dull sometimes.
I guess am saying this because I have not been in a relationship were the girl would tell you everything you must do or must be to the point where she would be wringing you're neck every single time until you choke blood. Then again, maybe I have had one but it did not last long enough to reach the point where it would have been unbearable.
Like they say, be careful what you wish for as you may very well get it.
Woke up to a wonderful morning. It was earlier than usual for a day-off but I slept like a baby since it was quite cool the night before. At least 9 hours of sleep. Pretty amazing if you consider 5 hours to be normal but I could survive with 3 hours of sleep each day.
The sun has started to shine again, and it's quite hot at home. Or maybe I have been trained too much with the air-conditioning in the office.
Watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith yesterday. It was your typical Hollywood blockbuster flick but it was really enjoyable. Most people would see this one for Brad or Angelina, well I have to admit that for me it was for Angelina.
Spent the rest of Friday watching Asian films.
First up was House of Fury, a Hong Kong based movie revolving around secret spies and protecting them.
After lunch, watched King of Beggars which happens to be one of the first movies by Stephen Chow of Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu Hustle. It was not as fun as Shaolin Soccer but it had the same punch. It's also amusing how he discovers his hidden powers after he gets so beat up almost to certain death which can be clearly seen in King of Beggars and Kung Fu Hustle, and a tad bit in Shaolin Soccer. Nonetheless, Stephen Chow is just amazing. I wonder what he is cooking up next.
NU107 Independence Day Sessions today at Party Central and being my off with nothing better to do, I'd be showing up. The batteries for the camera all charged up and the MP3 player loaded up with Taking Back Sunday and Armor For Sleep.
See you there. I need to bathe now as I stink. Bah!
Waiting For Things To Come Full Circle
After an outburst like Saturday's blog, you'd expect pretty much of the same.
Well, I did and I am quite surprised that I am actually feeling better. I actually feel happy for some reason or the other but hoping it is not for the wrong reasons or anything. I may not be as happy as I was a month ago, but am certainly not the depressed boy I thought I'd go back to.
Now, it may be over or it may not be, but am not putting my white flag up anytime yet. With that said, I do not plan on forcing anything, am just going to allow pieces to fall in their proper places and for things to come naturally. There is still quite a lot of time before this whole thing comes full circle.
Expectations are set (really?), if this works then I'd be the happiest guy in the world. If not, then it would be time to move on and just be thankful about the things that happened. Either way, I would win something of great value. Of course, we won't forget that one of them has a greater value than the other.
Enough of this. This is not me, such optimism and understanding in life, but am thankful this is happening. I am not entirely sure if the rain has anything to do with this.
I just cannot believe that I am actually feeling much better than I expected I should be. I just hope am not blinded my some foolish ideal of hope.
The work week has been pretty unusual. Most number of minutes spent of a call with a whooping average of at least 30 minutes. Yesterday was the worst wherein I only got 6 calls with an average handle time of 40 minutes. Amazingly, I did not feel bad about it (though I was pretty irate during the calls), and just laughed it off as a big joke.
Today, I Wanted To Destroy Something Beautiful...
...And I did. To the tune of Yellowcard's Only One.
This has got to be the worst day this year. I obviously woke up on the worst side of the bed.
From the moment I woke up at 8, the images in my head were not very friendly. I was really feeling so bad and bitter. Checked my phone for any messages, as one from anyone could change my mood in a heartbeat. No such thing. Thankfully, after a few minutes, I was able to sleep again.
Woke up by 10 in the morning with the same effing feeling. Checked the phone and still no go. This is not good. Then I realized, I was actually looking at my watch. Made such a ruckus that at some point my mom came in my room and sat on my bed asking if I was okay. Of course, I said yes and she just left.
Anyway, the rest of the day turned out to be pretty much of the same thing. The mood was at an all time low, frustrated at everything in sight.
The wedding after lunch which we had to go to saved me from some misery as I had to smile and be a little bit sociable, at least, pretend to be. Initially, I was in such a bad mood that I did not want to go but made no mention about it. I eventually went peacefully thinking I'd be better of somewhere else with people around me instead of being alone at home. This way, I have to act normal.
Nothing special happened but it did get my mind off things.
Before sleeping, mom asked me again, not exactly about how I felt but if I was angry at someone. I said no, but I wish I could say yes, I am angry at myself.
Friday was spent out as well, Company GA at Rosegold Resort in Calatagan, Batangas.
It was okay, nothing really special about it. **Looks around.** Nah. If I must say, it was actually boring.
The team was not complete so this greatly lessened the experience. The beach sucked because the tide was too freaking low and you had to walk for almost a mile before it would be deep enough to swim in by which time your legs would be too sore from rocks and pebbles. We did not bother taking a dip in the ocean and instead had a quick dip in the pool for not more than 30 minutes max. The food was not exactly bad but it was still edible.
Still, there were good points to the trip. Hmmmm. Time spent with fellow teammates and the trip itself was fun. I mean, Barbie and Kitchie? Who could forget such a thing. We also watched My Sassy Girl as it was the only disk present in the van as I shamefully forgot to bring anything else. Oh, and it was my first time to see an actual live starfish in two different varieties. Too bad I did not bring my cam to the water.
Speaking of pictures, I have yet to organize the ones I took. Would be uploading them as soon as I can.
First blog on the day of a new month. Time to start a new.
Who cares if I revert back to my old self, I can see that I was happier, more careless and free back then. As long as kept myself busy or away from that spiral staircase of depression, I was fine. I mean, I had been like that for a number of years already.
The jeepney rides home, sadly, ruin the whole thing. It's the most idle time which we don't have direct control of. Am not a big fan of sleeping while commuting unless am drop dead tired. This is when chronic depression comes in and hurts the most, and in some instances is too much for the handy MP3 player to handle.
Slightly after changing shoelaces, it was just a matter of thinking of someone at even the most depressing and hopeless moments, and magically everything would be better. This was also the case until a few weeks ago.
Anyway, we need to work on that. These kind of things happen whether we like them or not and they do hurt, which is proof that it is/was true and sincere. The thing is it should not drain the life force out of someone and give a feeling that it is the end of the world.
We need to look for something to make our life complete, and maybe only then can we find someone we can share life with and not necessarily complete us. A little spirituality wouldn't hurt. People don't just stop because of simple reasons.
WTF? Where the hell is all this optimism coming from? I am not familiar of any current persona who has that kind of optimism. Is another persona born in the last few weeks?
Maybe so, but I'd directly say that this is caused by the lack of sleep. I opted not to sleep last night, worked a full shift and am still up until now.
Sheesh. I am having trouble constructing sentences now (not like I really had the knack for it), I guess I should sleep now. Aki from Japan dropped by for a visit and the whole barkada would have diner someplace tomorrow. Of course am showing up, I bloody miss those guys. 4 hours should be good enough to get me through the whole day.