Something I typed and saved on my phone a few weeks ago.
"I hate feeling this way. Am scared to become the person I was before. Sad,
depressed, and pathetic. Am not much different now. I had a reason to be happy
but apparently for the wrong reasons."
"If I die now, I wonder who'd miss me. Who'd cry. Who'd be wrecked, miserable,
and lost. Who wouldn't give a damn. Who'd be happy. Who's life would have been
affected by my life."
Shit. Am back to my favorite quote of all time, which also happens to be the
story of my life.
"It is not failure that is hard to bear, it is the feeling of being a failure."
If ever there would be a change in the layout of my website, it would still be
entitled Perfecting Loneliness.
You're Oh-So Bloody Predictable
Missed me? Was not able to blog yesterday due to the phone lines being down for some obscure reason. Apologies are in order.
Right! Who the hell am I fooling. No one ever visits this site anyway and most people simply browse through my daily ramblings.
Well, if you'd read a month's worth of my life, you'd get a pretty good idea how the next blog is going to look like. I am THAT fucking predictable. You can read my like a book (err, blog).
Three cheers for sweet revenge. Erk, I mean three cheers for memorial weekend, thanks to that the normally hellish Sundays and Mondays are quite laid back. Well, let's not say things ahead of time. So far, Mondays have been the worst when it comes to the queue. Let's just see what would happen tomorrow.
I love cyberslacking thanks to the avail time and the high-speed connection.
Last time I watched a technical demo for the PS3, SquareEnix rendered the opening sequences of Final Fantasy VII to take advantage of the PS3 and man it was amazing. I could hardly keep myself from drooling all over the place.
Of course, we have to be careful not to get caught. Ooopppss. I mentioned it. Damn, I hope I don't jinx it.
Personally, I am pretty annoyed with myself. I am just too dumb. There are tons of things I'd love to do and say but I simply cannot. Yes, it is pathetic. Sheesh.
Am just thinking too much.
Another shameful entry posted by yours truly, SIGHmon.
Bored. Rain, Wash This All Away.
A quick work week went right by. The first two days always feel like hell since the work floor is most likely understaffed and the lines are queuing. The succeeding three days were easy. We were even given permission to go home early yesterday, at around 1:30 in the afternoon since the avail time was so high. Of course, we do not get paid for that time.
This weekend is boring. I'd rather be at working or at a mall cooling myself down. The heat is insane and it somehow reflects how boring it can be. Due to the heat, I feel lazier than usual. There is a ton of stuff I want to do but am simply bored. I wish it would rain, hard and long, washing away this feeling.
The past two weeks have been the most troubling so far this year. Troubling is such a negative word. Let's say challenging instead. I say we could expect more of this for another two weeks. Uncertainty is really tough to deal with and when you are stuck at home with no one to talk to, well, it just makes things worse.
I wish I could go out but every place is to far from where I am right now. Plus there's no motivation to do so. Sure, Madagascar is showing but I could easily catch it after work one of these days.
Oh how I wish things would work out and go back to the good old days. When I mean, old days it's just a few months back. Things were simply great back then. I don't mind if I would have to continue this thing I had been doing before this happened as long as we'd get back to the way we used to be.
Been reading through some logs in the past, and all I can say is that it was so much fun and had so much hope in it.
This is so lame. Am holding back what I want to say. There are so many things I want to say and ask, but I'll be patient until the time is right. Like I said, we wouldn't want to pressure anyone.
Again, lame. Am not making sense anymore. Mixed up thoughts. Might as well re-watch Donnie Darko or have my monthly dose of Fight Club.
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Is This Even Necessary? [Monday, May 23, 2005 @ 9:09 pm]
When there is nothing interesting to say, where do we start? Might as well start with a question on whether or not we should even blog at all.
There's nothing special to say.
Work was the usual thing, a little hectic since it is a weekend and the staff level is usually low on these days. Am expecting tomorrow to be a pretty normal day with more avail time to play around and stare at the monitor.
Depression is slowly eating me up again as much as I try to fight it. Things done unconsciously are signs of this chronic depression. Temper suddenly gets cut short. Patience burning up as fast a matchstick. Tone of the voice rises because someone does a simple mistake. Slouching more while sitting, standing up, etc. Head bowed down so low, looking at nothing else but the ground and my feet. And of course the stares into oblivion.
I don't want to be like the person I was a year ago, too sad to have anything good going.
See what I mean, it would only dwell into emo-crap.
I need to sleep early. Plus there is something I got to do before I go to bed.
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And 4 Days Have Passed [Saturday, May 21, 2005 @ 8:25 pm]
The four day-off is just over. I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow. It's cooler than staying at home, being baked by the scorching sun. Plus, seeing all the wonderful people.
The first two days were pretty eventful. Frustrated on Wednesday and Star Wars on Thursday. Friday and Saturday was spent at home mostly sleeping and watching DVDs. Saw Ocean's Twelve, Be Cool, Phantom of the Opera and Motorcycle Diaries.
Ocean's Twelve was not as good as the first one, did not like how the plot was handled. It was okay at one point until they just piled one over the other endlessly.
Be Cool was an okay film but I feel it was a bit forced to be cool (pun intended).
Andrew Lloyd Webber's Phantom of the Opera was better than I expected. I thought I'd fall asleep while watching it but I did not. The music score is quite something
Motorcycle Diaries is the finest movie I watched during that weekend, with the exception of Star Wars of course. Story about Ernesto "Che" Guevara roaming Latin America in a motorcycle with his friend. Latin America may seem so corrupted and all but the history, the Incas, Mayans, and Aztecs, never fails to amaze me. Machu Picchu is a beauty. I wish they showed more ancient ruins. Wait, that's not the main idea of the movie, it revolves mainly on how Ernesto Guevara's ideals changed through the injustices he saw in his trip.
Am glad I bought the copy even if it was a double feature DVD with Steven Seagal's Into The Sun. No, I have not watched it. Not yet, and I don't think I would be even the near future. Come on, it's Steven Seagal. The guy is too stiff and can't act.
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It's Over [Friday, May 20, 2005 @ 12:30 am]
Damn. This is too hard. Thinking about too many things. I should play a videogame or watch a DVD.
It's so easy to say that everything would turn out fine in the end but when you encounter the slightest bit of idle time, your mind wanders off to a place where you don't want to be.
This is also present even during load times while playing videogames. Heck, even when you are busy watching a movie, your mind still tends to wander off and you realize that you forgot what happened in the movie during the last few seconds.
I guess I just have to learn to keep myself busy and not think of those kind of thoughts.
Watched Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith today. I won't spoil anything for you, I'll just say that it was a great experience. Maybe am still digesting what I just saw as it was quite a story.
As I was leaving the theater, it suddenly hit me that this is it, it is over. Unless Lucas comes back and creates episodes 7-9.
So was it worth it? Yes.
Leaves well spent? Yes. A break from work is always welcome.
Decided to drop by Megamall, for the sole reason of checking out some CDs at Tower. Bought copies of My Chemical Romance, Bloc Party and Pedicab. I wanted to buy some clothes, but I am quite lazy when it comes to shopping for outfits. Found a shirt I liked but sadly I disliked the sleeves being too short. A fitted shirt over my frail body. No way.
A lot of renovations going on at Megamall, about time I say, especially with the cinemas which are just crappy.
Mind you, I did not watch Star Wars in Megamall okay. If you have been reading my blog, you'd know that I bought tickets for a screening at Eastwood.
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Star Wars [Thursday, May 19, 2005 @ 10:43 pm]
Star Wars officially opens today, and of course I am watching. I actually filed for leaves for this one, which turns out to be not that necessary since we were moved to the morning shift.
Anyway, I have tickets to the 2:05 screening at Eastwood and I cannot afford to be late. Would also be a good time to use my last Starbucks gift certificate.
Frustrated last night was great. Met a number of LiveJournal people, so much that I couldn't remember who exactly I met. The funny thing was everyone had to be introduced using their LJ names and not their real names.
Shit. I have nothing else to say. Might as well get ready to leave home and troop down to Eastwood.
Ah, there's one. Had a scary dream the other day which woke me up early in the morning which has kept me thinking about a few things. There was another thought this morning with no dream associated with it but equally intriguing. Damn stupid ideas. The curiosity must be satisfied.
I wonder how everything is shaping up? Oh well, all we can do is wait.
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It's Making My Head Spin [Wednesday, May 18, 2005 @ 5:32 pm]
I wish I was actually at work today only for the Hi-Speed connection.
It's E3 in the US and there are so many updates, too much that my dial-up connection can handle. The PC has already been on the whole day and I can't get enough of the latest hardware announcements. Yes, hardware and for that I have only checked Gizmodo and Engadget.
There are still the hundreds of games we all are looking forward too.
The next-gen gaming consoles have just been revealed. It's true love. More on this next time.
I spent enough hours online, and now it is almost 6 and I need to get ready for Frustrated unless I want to become infertile. Nobody I know wants that.
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A Few Days More [Sunday, May 15, 2005 @ 9:02 pm]
I have tickets for Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of The Sith. They are just the standard opening day ones. Big deal. Picked the 2 PM screening and there were only like 6 seats reserved so far.
There were advanced screening tickets for Wednesday, May 18 at 10:00 and 10:30 in the evening, but Wednesday is Frustrated, so I did not even bother asking how much.
Thing is, minus the chance to go to Frustrated, I think I wasted two leaves. It seems that there is a screening around 4:20 in the afternoon which perfectly falls an hour after the shift. The next day is a day-off so even if watched the screening after that, I'd be okay. Actually, I have watched last full shows in the past even if I had work the next day.
Anyway, they are still two days wherein I would not have to wake up early so let's just enjoy the extra hours of sleep.
So I went to Dead Pan last Friday. It was fun. I missed going out like this. It has been too long since I last went out and came back in the wee hours of the morning.
Even my mom was not used to it. I still go out almost every week, but she does not know where I go. I would love to tell her where I go and what I was actually doing but that's a different story. Well, in those instances I'd be home before 12 midnight.
Nevertheless, my mom was like messaging me crazy every 30 minutes checking where I was, to think I said I would be coming home late, as in early-morning-late. I used to do this a million times in the past but mom said it was just unusual as it has been so long since I went out like that.
It's amazing how much people can change in such a short amount of time.
Oh, one more thing which was quite unusual that night at Freedom Bar, I did not have my digital camera with me. Weird.
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When Would I Be Able To Go? [Saturday, May 14, 2005 @ 8:48 pm]
Bad news. Day-offs have not change which means that yet again, I would not be going to Puerto Gallera next weekend. If I only knew about it, I would have extended my Star Wars leave.
Yes, work starts tomorrow but would only be until Tuesday as I am on leave from Wednesday to Saturday. Actually, Friday and Saturday would be day-offs again so they won't be counted against me.
I have been quite unlucky when it comes to predicting leaves. Oh come on, let's not say unlucky, it was pretty amazing how our May leaves fell on Revenge of the Sith's opening day. Speaking of which, I still do not have tickets. Am not interested in premier screening ones (on the 18th), opening day would be good enough. Due to the timezone, you'd still see it before million of geeks in the US.
Frustrated on the 18th. Star Wars on the 19th. This is just great.
Now let's talk about the stone which was in the gift I recently opened. It seems that no amount of chipping or rubbing changes anything. I guess it's out of my hands now. Someone else would take a closer look at the stone first, and hopefully would find a microscopic crack or dent in it which would eventually reveal the gem inside.
If there's none to be found, then we have to just accept that the gift was not meant for us and not forget that the process of opening it was one of the best experiences ever.
Of course, we are still hoping something maybe found.
Woah, where the heck is all this optimism coming from.
Was loading new MP3s for the week, started with Typecast. As I was filling more emo stuff in, I realized this is not the way to go right now, so I loaded the MP3s loaded last week, The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Head Automatica, Snow Patrol, plus a bit of Bloc Party, The Postal Service and Modest Mouse.
We've been through this before, and I am not going to take that road again.
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Oh! I Know That Song! [Wednesday, May 11, 2005 @ 8:27 pm]
There's that effing feeling again. Shit. I hate feeling this way.
Am amused by something which happened at work. This customer called in for a problem with her notebook not playing any sound at all. It was a fairly simple problem of un-checking the mute button under volume control. Anyway, the fun part was when I asked her to play some MP3, she played Mr. Brightside by The Killers.
Sorry. Senseless ramblings. I am simply amusing myself. I need these kind of stuff to stay alive.
Alive. I wonder how it feels to be truly alive? Thing is I have a pretty twisted idea of how that should be.
Looking forward to the weekend.
Badminton and possibly dinner with teammates after work tomorrow.
Dead Pan Society at Freedom Bar on Friday.
Then on Saturday, hmmmm, there's nothing yet scheduled on Saturday. Hopefully it would involve some rubbing. If you've been reading my previous blogs you'd know what I mean by that, you green-minded person.
Nothing much to say (what's new) am just blogging for the bloody heck of it. KLSP. Oh well, let's die now.
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Random Ramblings of A Tortured Soul [Monday, May 9, 2005 @ 10:46 pm]
Below average day at work. It was slow as hell and extremely boring.
Decided to watch a movie alone after work, something I have not done since February. Watched Kingdom of Heaven. I liked it.
Got home around 10 in the evening. Mom was at a wake somewhere, and there was no food. Opted for instant noodles again, since it is the only food available.
Sheesh. It is so bloody hot. I might as well have a bath before sleeping.
Random ramblings again. Sorry, but I can't think straight right now. There seems to be a lot going on (or NOT going on actually).
Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.
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A Random Fit of Self-Pity [Sunday, May 8, 2005 @ 9:09 pm]
This is so messed up now. I do not know what I should be expecting, what I should be doing, if I am doing it right, or am miserably stumbling along and ruining pretty much everything.
God, I am so not used to this, but I still hope that everything is turning out okay even though any results of which have yet to show.
Heard mass today. Alone. Hoping for some clarity. It's scary, so scary to be dumb and clueless about this kind of things.
After the mass, I decided to walk home, it was less than a fifteen minute walk anyway. Whenever I want to think about something, I walk. Sadly, I only look down and hardly look up at the star-filled sky, somehow looking at those stars makes me feel more alone.
Perfecting Loneliness.
Oh Simon, you're so terribly weak. It's so pathetic.
Day 1 of another long (so-so) work week. At least we have Dead Pan on Friday to look forward too. I have not gigged in ages. And if I'd be allowed to go out more on the weekend, then so much better.
I am rambling. No one would be reading this anyway. Bah!
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So-So Weekend #1 [Saturday, May 7, 2005 @ 10:51 am]
I am officially bored. Sure I could watch DVDs I have not seen yet like Danny Deckchair and Samurai 7 (animè) or play the amazing God of War but I wanted something else. Thing is, I already spent yesterday watching Ray and My Little Bride as well as playing a few minutes of God of War.
Due to this, am stumped clueless on what should be done. Oh well, I guess am forcing it in too much. Let's just go with the flow, just don't be too ignorant to miss a floating log or lifesaver when you see one.
Chronic depression really has it's ups and downs. We have to stop thinking to much. Remember, the more you try, the more you will fail.
God, how I wish a mall was just around the corner.
In other news, I had my annual physical last Wednesday.
I love the sight of blood so taking blood samples does not scare me. It only took less than a minute. All I had to do was stretch out my arm and there was the vein. Watching the needle go in and the blood rushing through the syringe is quite an erotic experience. Yeah, weird me. For years, I really wanted to be a doctor, now I guess it's due to the sight of blood.
Of course, weight and height were measured. The attendant asked me my height to which I replied, 5'8" and in her reaction, I could clearly say that she did not believe me since I slouch too much (caused by years of self-esteem problems). So my height was taken, came out as 5'9" because of the shoes.
Next was the weight, I don't know how much my clothes weighed that day but it came out as 118 lbs. This is like the heaviest I have ever been. Last time I weighed myself, I was like 110 lbs. Couldn't believe myself so I weighed myself once I got home, stark naked and all, and sure as hell, I did gain weight. Yey! Am just 17 pounds away from my ideal body weight which is 135 pounds.
People at work and at home do not recognize it since they see me everyday. Now, if you know a guy who is severely underweight and you notice that he did gain weight, don't worry about saying it as he is most likely going to take it as a compliment.
This does not hold true for women though. Even if a girl is anorexic, under no circumstance should you mention that she gained weight.
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Five-Five-Five [Thursday, May 5, 2005 @ 11:44 pm]
5/5/5
It's the fifth day of the fifth month of the year 2005. Makes today, 555. Random nothingness. I am simply amusing myself.
I told myself a year ago that I'd launch a new layout on 4/4/4. This did not happen. By the time I realized 5/5/5 is coming, there was only a week left and no time to create a new layout that would be as amusing as this one. (If you are reading this from LJ-land, I am referring to my website and not my LJ.)
Anyway, I simply wanted to blog about that. This plate of instant pancit canton is almost finished and I should be sleeping soon.
Should.
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Surprise. Surprise. [Tuesday, May 3, 2005 @ 10:30 pm]
Something had been mentioned at work which I am not still too sure about. If it would happen, then excellent, I'd be such a happy boy. If it does not, well, nothing actually, as I have already written-off the possibility of it happening.
When I was informed about it, my reply was something like "Why? How did that happen?"
Of course, I was overjoyed by it and during the trip home I forgot what I did to my things so I had to back to the office and check. Everything was in place and knowing that it is, allows me to have a peaceful sleep tonight.
Sleep? It's 10:30 in the evening now and am still up. I should be sleeping right now.
Thing is I got a copy of God of War which actually works on my PS2 and I love it. Played it for an hour or so. The game is quite brutal and contains some nudity which is definitely surprising for a console game.
Of course, after that I had to logon and check random stuff on the Internet which I could not check in the office.
This gem thing is going to be a truly hard challenge for us and am scared I'd do something wrong along the way. Something which I somehow always do. Sadly, in real life, there are no save points.
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Fist Fights Versus Fences [Monday, May 2, 2005 @ 9:06 pm]
Is there something wrong with getting excited over seeing a street fight rather than be scared?
Anyway, as I was traveling home and passing through Teresa (a small town in Rizal), there was this road accident. Nah, rather it's just one owner-type jeep beside a motorized scooter, heck, it was not even lying down and there was no blood. Due to that, the roads were pretty much congested in the area and we were right in front of the action.
It seems that the owner-type jeep slightly bumped the scooter and according to one of the guys on the scooter almost knocked them down. There were 3 of them, two on the scooter and one in another vehicle. The guy in the owner-type jeep was all alone and I would say in his 60's.
When we stopped, the 3 "victims" were ganging up on the owner-type jeep giving him a couple of punches while he was defenseless inside. A few minutes later, they drag him outside and beat him more. This stupid tricycle stopped right in front of us, blocking my once perfect view.
Have no idea what happened after. I think the police finally came with the once "victims" now running away, even getting on the owner-type jeep and trying to drive it away. Seems that the old man is actually from Teresa, and every Tom, Dick, and Harry was coming out looking for some action.
Last thing I heard was the police were dragging the now assailants to the Municipal Hall (which is right around the corner, btw) while they were getting random punches from the crowd. Now they have to pay for their extreme stupidity especially since nothing major actually happened.
Imagine such a defense in court, we beat him up (ganged up on him) because he almost knocked us over. We could have died.
Shucks, I forgot people here get killed over road rage. Such a scary world we live in.
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Just A Few More Days! [Sunday, May 1, 2005 @ 7:30 pm]
It's Labor Day. So what? We still need to work, which is actually a good thing since we'd be receiving holiday pay again. Additional money is always good.
So it was Summer Slam last night. 5th iteration of the said event. I have been to the first two but missed out on the last three. These events are massive to say the least and always ends before it is supposed too. It has become too crazy for me. Besides, it's more enjoyable to catch one's favorite part in a bar gig. Less people, more fun.
Come to think of it, I don't even go to bar gigs anymore. I miss the floor of Freedom Bar and the steps beside Mayric's. The noise, the music, the crowd, the cigarette smoke, etc. Most especially, I miss the taste of beer.
Sometimes you'd never expect or see yourself change. It's amazing what some things can do. Am not talking work here, as it clearly ruins out one's social life, and some companies excel in this more than others.
Enough of that. Had quite an enjoyable weekend but it was tiring alright. Now I need to make up for some sleep.
One more thing. It's FREAKING May already. Just a few more days! HAHAHAHA!
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