MONTHLY CHUCKLE

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, of course sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

The prospective father-in law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, mmm, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a cold, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.  When the family returned they were carrying palm branches.  The boy asked what they were for.  “People held them over Jesus’ head as he rode by.”  “Wouldn’t you know it,” he fumed, “The one Sunday I don’t go, he shows up!”

One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg.  Pointing to the egg, he asked the children, “What’s in here?”  “I know!” a little girl exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

A little boy in church for the first time watched as the sidespersons passed around the offering plates.  When they came to his pew, the boy said loudly, “Don’t pay for me daddy, I’m under five.”

The Sunday School teacher asked, “Now Sally, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?”  “No”, she replied, “We don’t have to.  My mom is a good cook.”

A father was in church with three of his young children, including his five-year-old daughter. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service. During this particular service, the minister was baptizing a tiny infant. The five-year-old was taken by the whole procedure of pouring water over the infant's head...With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and whispered, "Daddy, is he brain-washing that baby?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Six-year-old, Angie, and her four-year-old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls,what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

Church Staff Job Descriptions

PASTOR
Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound.
More powerful than a locomotive.
Faster than a speeding bullet.
Walks on water.
Makes policy with God.

EDUCATION PASTOR
Able to leap short buildings in a single bound.
As powerful as a switch engine.
Just as fast as a speeding bullet.
Walks on water if the sea is calm.
Talks with God.

MUSIC PASTOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start.
Almost as powerful as a switch engine.
Faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water if he knows where the stumps are.
Is occasionally addressed by God.

YOUTH PASTOR
Runs into small buildings.
Recognizes locomotives 2 out of 3 times.
Uses a squirt gun.
Knows how to use the water fountain.
Mumbles to himself.

CHURCH SECRETARY
Lifts buildings to walk under them.
Kicks locomotives off the track.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth.
Freezes water with a single glance.
When God speaks she says, "May I ask who is calling?"

CHILDREN'S LETTERS TO GOD
 

Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
-Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't
You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if
you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
-Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some
things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt
him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our
day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look
it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you
want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their
own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. -Dean

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
-Rob

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're
just kidding, aren't they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it.
So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on
Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

BULLETIN BLOOPERS
(NOT OURS, OF COURSE)

Actual Announcements taken from Church Bulletins.

Compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

• Don't let worry kill you--let the church help.

• Our next song is "Angels We Have Heard Get High".

• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

• Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

• Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. She's used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!

• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

• The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

• Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.

• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

• Thursday night--Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

• The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" come early and listen to our choir practice.

• During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.

• The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.

• The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.

• The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet" in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

• The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

• Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.

• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children