PARISH
PRIEST
FR.
Joseph tran
thirtieth sunday in ordinary time
...whether we live or die, we are the Lord's.
(Romans
14:8
Daniel 12:1-3. The wise shall shine
brightly like the splendor of the firmament.
Romans 6:3-9. Are you unaware that we who
were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death?
John 6:37-40. Everyone
who sees the Son and believes in him may have eternal life.
commemoration
of all the faithful departed
May
the Faithful Departed Be Numbered Among the Saints-Whose Names Are in the Book
Sat.
9 A. M. Mass
in Manitou Commemoration of : John Roth.+
Off. Lee & Gail Roth
Merritt Roth+ Off. Lee & Gail Roth
FERIAL
Off. Josephine Robinson & the
Stokes Family
NO MASS
FERIAL
Members and their Families
FERIAL
Kaufmann + Off.
Lee & Gail Roth
First Friday of the Month
FERIAL
Mass, Adoration of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Commemoration of: Erna Kaufmann+ Off. Lee & Gail Roth.
Mass, Adoration of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
Commemoration of: All The Faithfully Departed+
Off.
Maurice & Barb Sanders.
LET US PRAY
We offer prayers
today for all of our sick. Please
remember to pray for Kendra Lea, Gerry Wood,
Stephanie Sanders, Leah Beattie, Henry Knaggs, Anne Halabicki, Maria Reichert,
Elsie Hink, Janette Warnock, John Hoes, Marcel Knockaert, and Liz Burroughs.
Please pray for our Good Shepherd, Archbishop Emilius Goulet, Bishop of
the Archdiocese of St. Boniface.
MASS INTENTIONS
Please remember to offer
Masses for your special intentions; especially your departed loved ones. Also, please pray for vocations to the
priesthood and religious life in
We need to be close to
Jesus Christ in his Eucharistic Sacrifice.
If you would like a Mass
said, please see Father Joe.
Did you know that Pope
John Paul II declared this year as the year of the Rosary?
To pray the Rosary is a way
to be with Jesus and Mary. We are meditating on their life from the
Gospels.
You are invited to join us Tuesday-Friday
SHARING SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCES IN FAMILY
God
told Moses that his miraculous experiences with Pharaoh should be retold to his
descendants. What stories Moses had to
tell! Living out one of the greatest
dramas in biblical history, he witnessed events few people would ever see. (see Exodus 10:2) It is
important to tell our children about God’s work in our past and to help them
see what he is doing now.
What are the turning points in your life where
God intervened?
What is God doing for you now?
Your
stories will form the foundations of your children’s belief in God.
.
CHAPLAINCY OF
SAINT PATRICK’S
LITURGY IN MANITOU
november 2ND
|
|
Reader
|
YOUTH
|
Communion
|
YOUTH
|
Gifts
|
YOUTH
|
november 9th
|
|
Reader
|
michelle l. sanders
|
Communion
|
andre sanders
|
Gifts
|
daniel sanders
|
THE EVANGELIST
|
|
NOV. 1ST |
NOV. 2ND |
|
LECTORS |
RON L. |
YOUTH |
|
EUCHARISTIC MINISTERS |
WALTER M. RON S. |
GORDON H. LEE ROTH |
|
USHERS |
WALTER M. |
YOUTH |
|
|
nov. 8th |
nov. 9th |
|
LECTORS |
diane hunt |
gaston s. linda l. |
|
EUCHARISTIC MINISTERS |
joyce & eugene g. |
margaret s. verne g. |
|
USHERS |
WALTER M. |
garry & rosemarie h. |
***If you are unable to exercise your ministry, please find a replacement.
UP-COMING EVENTS
SKATING
PARTY NOV. 30TH
Sunday Collections:
MANITOU: $474.00
MORDEN:
COLLECTION: $1,357.00
BUILDING FUND: $630.00
We
must each make up our own mind as to how much we should give. Don’t give reluctantly or in response to
pressure. For God loves the person who gives cheerfully. (2 Cor.
9:7)
THANK
YOU FOR YOUR GENEROSITY
May God Bless You All
ALL SOUL’S
ENVELOPES
Please
remember to make cheques payable to Father Joe rather
than the parish for these envelopes.
Thank you!
The Boundary Trails Health Center Winkler Auxiliary is having their annual
Coffee Break, Bazaar & Bake
Adult Bible Study:
We are considering starting a weekly or bi-weekly bible study. At this time we are checking to see how many people would be interested. Please reply to Ron Scherr @ 822-4418 or mailbox #126. Let me know which evening and time would be best for you along with any ideas for topics to study.
MISSING: 3 Video tapes
If you have borrowed any of the following videos,
1.
Tape
3 – Talks 5&6 – “Faith & the Creed” from the teaching of Jesus Christ
series
2.
The
Beatitudes – by Fr. J. Corapi
3.
Our
Lady of Guadalupe – A Gift of Hope
Please return them to
Sheila Campbell ASAP. Thank you !
FUNDRAISER: IN’CLINE’ATION
“Sweet Dreams of Patsy Cline”
Appearing at the Kenmore Theatre, Morden
DATE: November 1st
TIME:
TICKETS:
$15.00 per person
For Tickets, please see:
Maurice Lachance Verne Gagnon
Cheryl Crossman Marilyn Skubovius
Denis Magotiaux
Thanking all of you
for your cooperation.
Alice Simeons and Committee
PEROGY MAKERS
a very special
thank you goes out to all those fearless workers every monday and tuesday who
conscientiously complete all tasks to make our perogy making business the huge
success it is!! your dedication to help build a house of god is much
appreciated!
also, thank you to all those
who have purchased these delicious perogies. do
you have a perogy meal at least once a week in your household?
Christmas
is Coming! The shoeboxes have arrived!
|
O |
peration Christmas Child is a project of Samaritan's Purse
that is aimed at providing international relief for children suffering around
the world due to war, natural disaster, poverty, illness or neglect. The international director
of this project is Franklin Graham, son of Billy Graham. It is a very
worthwhile project that brings joy and the awareness of God's love
to children in many needy countries.
There are brochures and shoeboxes in church today for you to
take and use for Operation Christmas Child. The deadline for returning
them to church is November 9.
All instructions are contained within the brochure. Please consider
preparing a box for a child who is in need. If you would rather make a
cash donation, that would be wonderful as well; we will use your donation to
purchase items for more shoeboxes. If you have any questions, please call
Julie Kalinowski at 822-8023.
Thank you in advance for your generosity and
compassion.
C. W. L. Christmas
Hamper
The C.W.L. ladies would like to invite all parish families
to help out with our Xmas Hamper. On
October 19th, Mother Theresa was canonized by Pope John Paul II and
her humble congregation in
ITEMS NEEDED:
Canned Goods, Crayons, Washable Markers, Pencils, T-shirts
or Sweat shirts for ages 6 – 12 yr. old
**As you know, children are big for their ages today, i.e. a
12 yr. old girl wears misses sizes, etc.
Deadline for bringing items to church is
NOV. 30TH.
Thank you in advance.
Alice Simeons
BULLETIN SCHEDULE
To ensure your item is in
the bulletin, please e-mail
any announcements to:
by the preceding Thursday
PEROGIES
Anyone wanting perogies for Christmas, please have your orders in by December 15th.
Thank you..the
Perogie Committee."
Dschofieldproductions2003
church bulletin bloopers
potluck supper: prayer & medication to follow
pastor is on vacation. massages can be given to the church
secretary.
the outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on
people who are not afflicted with any church
HYMNS, BY PROFESSION
DENTIST'S HYMN: "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
WEATHERMAN'S HYMN: "There Shall be Showers of Blessing"
CONTRACTOR'S HYMN: "The Church's One Foundation"
TAILOR'S HYMN: "Holy, Holy, Holy"
GOLFER'S HYMN: "There is a Green Hill Far Away"
POLITICIAN'S HYMN: "Standing on the Promises" OPTOMETRIST'S HYMN:
"Open Mine Eyes that I Might See"
I.R.S. HYMN: "All to Thee"
GOSSIP'S HYMN: "Pass It On"
ELECTRICIAN'S HYMN: "Send the Light"
SHOPPER'S HYMN: "Sweet By and By"
Letters from Kids to God
Dear GOD,
My
brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.
-Danny
Dear GOD,
Maybe
Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It
works with my brother.
-Larry
Dear GOD,
I want to
be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
-Sam
Dear GOD,
I think
the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
-Ruth M.
Dear GOD,
I bet it
is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are
only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
-
Dear GOD,
If You
watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
-Mickey
D.
Dear GOD,
I would
like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love,
Chris
Dear GOD,
We read
Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely,
Donna
Bloopers of children
Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday
School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got
tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray
by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit
adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still
and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical
times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate
contraption.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do
one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
Signs seen near church
The following are actual signs found on church property.
"No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
An ad for
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red
letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its
own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
A singing group called "The Resurrection" was scheduled to sing at a
church. When a big snowstorm postponed the performance, the pastor fixed the
outside sign to read, "The Resurrection is postponed."
"People are like tea bags-you have to put them in hot water before you
know how strong they are."
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay
is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again."
"Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire
insurance soon."
"This is a ch_ _ ch.
What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a
fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
Catholic Vocabulary
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN:
1. Parish information, read only during the homily.
2. Catholic air conditioning.
3. Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to
lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of
the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly since
most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with
good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros
and baklava.
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER:
1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of
altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by
parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when
to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a
pew
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY
PART I
Act of Contrition---A
penitential prayer you warm up with so you don't cramp up in the confessional.
Act of
God--- 1. The
kind of disaster insurance doesn't cover 2. The only way to
get some Catholics to church on Sunday.
Acts of
the Apostles---1.
Phony motions to the wallet made by the Apostles when the check arrived for the
Last Supper. 2. Christ's touring company---they knocked 'em
dead in
Advent ---A season filled
with the sounds of pipers piping, drummers drumming and cash registers ringing.
Advent Wreath--- A
brightly colored, seasonally decorated fire hazard.
Agnostic---1. An atheist who
is hedging his bets. 2. Someone who isn't sure there is a God, but who
is sure he doesn't want to go to Mass every Sunday.
All Saints Day (November
1st)---- A day to honor the least-known saints and give your least-liked halloween candy to your little brother.
All Soul's Day (November
2nd)---The day to remember all deceased Motown
recording artists.
Alpha
and Omega----The fraternity that Christ belonged to.
Amen----The only part of
a prayer everyone knows.
Annulment----1. Divorce,
Catholic style. 2. A decree that a marriage never existed---like the
dream sequence on "
Apocalypse---An important
event that you probably can't find a Hallmark card for.
Armageddon---The last day
you can redeem your green stamps.
Ascension of
Christ----Jesus rose into heaven forty days after Easter---an indication of how
tough it is to get a table up there.
Beatification----1. Papal
recognition that a holy person is one step away from having a parochial school
named after him. 2. The step in the canonization process when a persons'
head is fitted into a halo.
Beattitudes----1. Sayings that
look nice on a cross-stitched plaque. 2. Second rate attitudes.
Benediction---The start
of the race to the parking lot.
Bingo---1. How Catholics
tithe. 2. The parlor game churches organize each week to keep little old ladies
off the street.
Bishop---Old
man in the see.
Body of
Christ---Amen...oops, sorry. Habit I guess.
Capital sins---more
serious that the lower case ones.
Caroling---1. A Christmas tradition of walking from house to house singing yule song until residents give you food to shut up.
2. Yuletide revenge on the neighbor whose barking dog keeps you up at night.
Catholic Mass---An event
with so much standing, sitting, and kneeling you can
forego your Jane Fonda workout tape for Sunday.
Catholic
wedding---A ceremony in which a father loses his daughter---and his life
savings.
Celibacy---
A clever comeback used by single men and women to explain why they don't have a
date for Saturday night.
Charity---1. What you call your trash when you
give it to the Little Sisters of the Poor. 2 The only one of the theological
virtues that pays off every April 15th.
Choir---A group of people
whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Christians--- People who
follow Jesus, although they disagree on which way He went.
Christmas---The
celebration of the birth of Christ, which invariably falls during the busiest
shopping season of the year.
Confession---What you
bragged about the night before.
Conscience--- the little
voice of morarity that you wish had a body so you
could punch it in the nose.
Convent---A rectory where
the toilet seats are always down.
Covenant---A contract
between God and His people --- one that the Devil is still trying to take to
arbitration.
Creation---The
story that scientists get a big bang out of.
Creationism---The belief
that no one is a monkey's uncle.
Cry room---A place in the
back of the church where children are brought after their tantrums have reduced
their parents to tears.
Devil---Evil with a
capital D.
Devotion--- Standing for
the duration of the Gospel on Palm Sunday
Disciples---Followers of
Christ who hadn't earned enough merit badges to become Apostles.
Divine
intervention---What happens when God steps in and does something for the good
of mankind...like ending Ronald Reagan's movie career.
Dona Nobis
Pacem--- The double play combination of the parish
softball team.
Doxology---A verbal
high-five with the Lord.
Easter---1. The day you see Catholics you
haven't seen since Chistmas 2. The day when Christ's
body was missing and all the children are worried about is finding the missing
chocolate eggs.
Ecumenism---The practice
of unity among Christians whereby Catholics cut Protestants some slack for
being close.
Envy--- The sin Catholics
commit when they think of non-Catholics who get to remain seated during their
church services.
Eternity---The time
between Communion and the end of
Evangelists,
TV 1. Preachers with miraculous power---the ability to squeeze dollars
out of the penniless.
Eve--- The only wife who
never had to worry about the "other woman"
Everlasting life--- What
a Catholic will need to understand all the changes since Vatican II.
Eye of the needle--- The
analogy that provides a strong incentive for rich men to breed tiny camels.
Faith---Giving God the
benefit of the doubt on the question "Can God make a rock so big that even
He, Himself, cannot lift it"?
Fast---God's diet plan
Feast of the
assumption---The holy day observed forty days after Easter, by which time all of
the black jelly beans will be gone.
Fishers
of men----A description of the Apostles who trawled for souls.
Folk mass---The type of
liturgy celebrated at the
Font---The baptismal
basin where the priest wets the baby's head and the baby wets the priests vestments.
Free
will---A gift from God that you will pay for later if you use it incorrectly.
Friday, Good---The day of
the crucifixion of Jesus---which makes you wonder what a Messiah's got to do to
make it a Bad Friday.
Garden
of
Gnosticism---Gneo-Christian cult based on gnebulous
gnosis whose days were gnumbered due to gnaysayers.
God---The Supreme Being
who knows everything, including why the Howells brought so many clothes for a
three hour tour.
Godparent---
A person who has to baby-sit on request.
Golden Rule---The most
painful thing a nun can hit you with.
Good
Samaritan---A guy who today would probably get arrested and left in jail until
"60 minutes did a story on him.
Gospel--A term that means
"Good news"-----even though the homily always follows.
Great Schism--A time when
there were more Popes that heavyweight boxing champions.
Guilt---
Agonizing paranoia somewhere along the lines of "God will get me for what
I did".
It racks the brain, twists the emotions, and turns the stomach until the
person's a physical wreck--and God's job is already done.
Habits---Nunderwear.
Hail
Mary---1. A
prayer you say when the answer to "Our Father" is "NO"
2.The answer to the question, "What could be worse than raining cats and
dogs?"
Handshake of peace---
Shaking hands with the kid next to you in Mass---who just wiped his nose
without a handkerchief.
Heaven's
Gate--- A passage that everyone wants to get through and a movie that everyone
avoided.
Hell--1. A place that
even Johnny Cochran can't save you from. 2. Satan's home on the range.
Holy cards--- Pictures of
religious figures--like baseball cards without bubble gum.
Holy
Day of Obligation 1. As in Monday night Football, a Mass that counts in the standings. 2.
A feast day on which Roman Catholics are duty bound to suffer through their
second Mass, sermon and collection of the week.
Holy Grail--- The chalice
that Jesus and the Apostles shared at the Last Supper. Its location is unknown
and, considering oral hygiene, that's probably for the best.
Holy oil---Chrism rubbed
on the foreheads of teenaged Confirmation candidates---as if they needed more
grease up there.
Holy Saturday---The day
your knees are sore from Good Friday.
Holy
water---A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
Homily---The part of Mass
when the pastor prepares the flock for the fleecing.
Hope---A desire that's
dashed when Father Talkalot proceeds down the aisle
on a hot Sunday.
Hymn--A song of praise
usually sung in a key three octaves higher than the congregation's range.
Hymn, recessional----The
last song on Mass, often sung a little more quietly since most people have left
before that time.
Immaculate
Conception---1.
A clean thought. 2. The feast that reminds Catholics
of the purity of Mary and the fact that they have only seventeen more shopping
days until Christmas.
Innocent
III---The man who was Pope until Proven Guilty IV.
Intercession---A
prayer on behalf of another---although it shouldn't be for the other person to
die of hemorrhoids.
Issac--- The biblical figure who became
anxious when his father, Abraham, wanted to spend some 'quality time' with him.
CATHOLIC DICTIONARY PART II
Jesuits-- An order of
priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
Jesus Christ---1. The Son of God who became the Messiah, despite a few cries of
nepotism. 2. One person who could truthfully answer yes to the question
"Hey, were you born in a barn, or what?"
Jesus freaks---The
subtitle of the Gospel chapter in which Christ clears the temple.
Jews---Known as
"the
Job---A man who
probably would have enjoyed root canal surgery.
John
the Baptist--1. The man who started the wet look. 2. The
guy your mother told you to stay away from--along with Jim the Lutheran and
Chip the Episcopalian.
Jonah--the
original "Jaws" story.
Justice--When your
kids have kids of their own.
Kneeler---What little
children with muddy shoes love to stand on.
Kyrie Elieson---The
only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
Lamb of God---A prayer
Catholics can say without missing a bleat.
Lapsed
Catholic---1. A Catholic who only knows pig latin. 2. A Catholic who doesn't care if Southern
Methodist beats Notre Dame in football.
Last Supper--- One of
the strangest meals in history, because Jesus performed the First Mass and all
thirteen in attendance sat on one side of the table.
Latin--- The language
that died of irregular vowel movenents.
Latin
Lazarus--1. A
friend of Jesus who died but got better. 2. A man who was late to his
own funeral.
Lector---The liturgucal reader who must speak louder than the sports
coats of the ushers.
Lent---1. The time of year when
you borrow ham sandwiches from your Protestant neighbors. 2. The last chance
before summer to keep those broken New Year's promises.
Limbo---
A place for unbaptized souls who must bend over
backwards to get into Heaven.
Litany--- The part of
the Mass you don't need to memorize.
"Love thy
Neighbor as thyself" ----- The Golden Rule--- for everybody except
masochists.
Lust--- One of the
seven deadly sins--confessed to a man who is not allowed to commit it.
Lyre--A bibical instrument that masqueraded as a harp.
Madonna--- latin for "like a virgin"
Magi--- The most
famous trio to ever attend a baby shower.
Manger---1. Where
Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The
bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
Manna--- the trail of
bread crumbs that God left for the Israelites so they could find their way out
of the desert
Martyr---Someone dying to be a saint. 2. A religious person who gets
stoned.
Mary, Blessed
Virgin--- The only mother who became well known for her virginity.
Mary Magdalene-----
The woman the disciples greeted with "How's Tricks?"
Mass--- The kind of
confusion that exists in the church parking lot every Sunday.
Mass Attendance--- How
young Catholics "pay the rent" when they still live with their
parents.
Mea Culpa--- An
obscure way to take the blame for something without letting everyone know that you screwed up.
"The meek shall
inherit the earth" ---The Lord's trickle-down theory.
Mercy--when there is
no sermon on a hot Sunday.
Messiah--
A classical piece that Catholics have a Handel on.
Methuselah--- The
oldest man in history at 969 years old, which is 6,783 in dog years.
Middle Ages---When a
Catholic is old enough to go to Mass alone, but still has to bring home a
bulletin as proof.
Miracle---
1.
A Catholic family with fewer that 6 kids. 2. An event
with no reasonable explanation---such as "The Honeymooners: the Lost
Episodes". 3. Divine intervention--prayed for most ardently in the waning
seconds of football games.
Missalettes---- The dancing girls
at progressive masses.
Mitre--- The hat that the
bishop has to take off at movies.
Monks---What priests
evolved from.
Monotheism---When God
speaks to you over the AM dial of your radio.
Monsignor---A title
conferred by the Pope on a priest (this grants him an extra ten minutes of
sermon each week.)
Mortal
sin--- A sin which your parents would kill you for, if they found out.
Mortification---Ignoring
your stomach growls during
Moses---The
leader of the Israelites who should have gone up the mountain a third time for
directions out of the desert.
myrrh---The second gift of
the Magi, and a great scrabble word when you're out of vowels.
Mysteries of the
Church--- Phenomena that are impossible to understand.
For example, how a four foot altar boy can lift a twenty-pound book high enough
for a six-foot man to read from.
Mysteries of the
Rosary--- Things to ponder while you're praying the Rosary--such as how to get
the darned thing untangled.
New Testament--Sequel
to the Old Testament in which God was in a considerably better mood.
Novices---Clerics who
are still adjusting their habits.
Nun--1. A
woman who has taken vows of poverty and chastity--hence the name. 2. The
butt of the joke ending with this punch line: "That was no laity, that was my sister"
Old
Testament---A book of scripts for Cecil B. De Mille.
Olive
branch---A welcome sign of hope for Noah, since he had only stocked enough
martini olives for thirty-eight days.
ONE (1) A.D.-- The year peoples ages started increasing each year.
Ordinary time--The
period on the litergical calendar when the Church
readily admits that there isn't much going on.
Original
Sin---1. What is cleansed by baptism, after which we use the new and
improved kind. 2. What teenagers are always trying to come up with.
Pagans-People without
religion whose numbers span the globe---never knowing the thrill of a bingo
victory or the agony of the feet after the reading of the Passion.
Palms---Branches you
leave behind in the pews on Palm Sunday, only to have the priest burn them and
rub the cinders on your forehead the next Ash Wednesday.
Pantheism---the belief
in the miracle of Teflon.
Papal
bull-- a letter from the Pope that's infallibull.
Papal infalibility---1.The doctrine which states that the only
time the Pope in wrong is when he is mistaken. 2. Why the Pope would clean up
on Jeopardy.
Parochial
school---Where you learn enough about religion to say Mass and enough about sex
to use the right public restroom.
Patron saint---The
guardian you talk to when all the other lines are busy.
Pentateuch--the first
five books of the Bible---and the only books of the New Testament that
Catholics can recall.
Pentacost---Fifty days after
Easter--by which time you've more than made up for your Lenten sacrifices.
Permanent deacon---A
married man who can do almost anything a priest can, and some things he can't.
Petitions---The time
during the Mass when everyone is praying for world peace but thinking,
"Please help me with the lottery"
Poverty--- A vow taken
by the clergy that keeps the Church in the black.
Prayer- Your last
resort for obtaining something that you don't have a chance in Hell of getting.
Pre-Cana--The required wedding preparation retreat which helps
a couple establish a solid base for arguments in the coming years.
Predestination
1.
The rendezvous spot for you and your friends when you're supposed to be at
Pride---Bringing
photographs along to confession.
Procession-- The
ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of the altar boys,
the lay ministers, the celebrant, and the late parishioners looking for a seat.
Protestant--
A person who will probably make it to Heaven, but won't live in as good of a
neighborhood.
Purgatory---1. A
place that Cub fans will bypass completely 2. A place
where a snowball still has a chance.
Recessional---The
ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to
beat the crowd to the parking lot.
Relics--People who
have been going to Mass for so long they actually know when to sit, kneel, and
stand.
Religion---A cult with
a good PR department.
Resurrection of
Christ--It's hard to keep a good man down.
Revelation-- The final
book of the Bible which doesn't exactly end "and they lived happily ever
after."
Rhythm method--Why
Catholic kids don't have rooms of their own.
Rome-- Where II and II
is IV.
Rosary--A prayer
ritual that seems to last five decades.
Sabbath--
A day of worship and rest, meaning Mass and football (in no particular order).
Sacrament-- An
after-sinner mint.
Sacrament of
Baptism--The first time the Church soaks you.
Sacrament of
Reconciliation--Solemnly asking forgiveness for actions you wish you had
videotaped to show your friends.
Sacrilege-- Irreverent
use of something sacred--but it's too late now, you're already up to the S's.
Sacristry--1.The clerical
locker room. 2. A place where divestment is not a moral issue.
Saint--A person always
pictured as light-headed.
Saint Anthony--The
saint a man prays to when his wife can't find what he's looking for.
Saint Basil--A man for
all seasonings.
Saint Christopher--The
saint to call if AAA doesn't answer.
Saint Jude--The patron
saint of the federal budget.
Saint Peter--The
Apostle that Jesus once called "The Rock"--now employed as a bouncer
at the pearly gates.
Satan--An
angel who got fired.
Second Coming---When
you had better not be standing anywhere near the fan.
Sermon-
1.
The part of the Mass that begins with a recap of the Gospel and then drones
into other gray matters of Christianity while your gray matter wanders off into
subjects such as whether there are still the same number of ceiling tiles as
last week. 2. Another word for homily, which doesn't make it any shorter.
Sexual intercourse--A
caring, special act between two people who are in love, married (to each
other), in bed, under the covers, with the lights off, and the door locked -
for the pupose of making more Catholics.
Shroud--Pajamas for
the big sleep.
Shroud of
Sign
of the Cross--1. How young Catholics remember which hand is their right one. 2. A
gesture showing reverence for the Cross - used during Mass and before
free-throws.
Ssinner--someone who cannot
cast the first stone, but would be more than happy to cast the next five or six.
Sin
of commission--An action that is immoral, such as picking all the cashews out
of the holiday nut mix.
Sin
of omission--Never putting any cashews into the nut mix in the first place.
Sloth--The cardinal
sin of laziness - which can only be forgiven by a guy who works one day a week.
Solomon--A man known
for his wisdom, despite the fact that he had three hundered
wives.
State
of grace-- After you receive absolution, but before you see a cute girl
genuflecting.
Synagogue--Where Jesus
is just another pretty face.
Tabernacle-- Where
Christ had an out-of-body experience.
Temptation--A
condition conducive to sinning--for most people, just being concious.
Temptation of Christ--To
once, just once, declare "To hell with what the Scriptures say Peter, *I*
say we're going to the beach today."
Ten Commandments--The
most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
Theologian--1. A
sage who writes at length about how little we know of God. 2. Someone
who would know where Noah kept the termites.
Theology--The college
course that helps you unlearn all the things you learned in religion class.
Transfiguration
of Christ--When Scotty used the wrong coordinates and almost beamed up Jesus.
Turn the other
cheek--The rule of thumb when the other guy is bigger.
Ushers--The only
people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
Vespers--Vat ve hear ven vorshippers
don't vant to vear out
their velcome.
Vigil--Looking out for
number one.
Vine and branches--A
biblical metaphor: Christ is the vine, we are the branches--and the Big Guy has
the pruners.
Virgin
birth--Paying the fiddler without getting to dance.
Virginity--What cannot
be refunded once a deposit is made.
Vulgate--The version
of the Bible that Spock reads.