FRONTLINE

Giving Australia “The Dick”
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Good evening and welcome to Frontline. I am Phillip D., the recent addition to the Frontline team. Tonight’s report puts Dick Smith, a.k.a. “The Dick”, under the microscope.

Recently “The Dick” has become quite a controversial topic in media circles. Both good and bad publicity has left average Australians wanting to know more. All the media hype and numerous press conferences have seen “The Dick” raise, some interesting points. It seems the more exposure Dick gets, the bigger things are blown out of proportion.

Throughout this report Australians will be given the chance to discuss a few of the latest issues. Have the media and general public been too critical of “The Dick” or has he been talking himself up? Also we are currently conducting an Australia wide poll: “Has Dick been rubbed the wrong way?”

His explosion into the limelight has made some Aussies want to wipe their hands clean of the entire charade.

This mini-documentary will give some insight and inform all open-minded viewers. Covering Dick’s humble beginnings and the history of how his profile has grown over the years. The tears and the triumphs, the riots and the raptures… Australia is given “The Dick”

Present press releases concerning the launch of his newest product line “Dickhead Matches” are apparently causing much ado about nothing. Their slogan “we’re fighting back” has a familiar ring to it, which we’ll talk more about later. But even Dick admits, “They are a marketing exercise…” in yet another quote from the same press release “They are not part of our food range”

Who would have known?… It’s good to see “The Dick” is covering all bases in this product launch.

Dickheads have a quote that can be found on the back of the matchboxes:

"We would have to be complete dickheads to let most of our famous Australian brands be taken over by foreign companies. Brands such as Vegemite, Aeroplane Jelly, Arnott's, Speedo and Redhead Matches are in overseas hands. This means the profit and wealth created goes overseas and robs our children and grandchildren of a future." 
A protest from Dick Smith Foods

"As Australian as you can get"

As officials and crowd controllers filed out, flanking “The Dick” as he left for his private jet, media personalities and members of the public were left in awe of the conference. Although there is an air of transparency with “The Dick’s” new company Dick Smith Foods, how he pulled it off is still a mystery. “It’s too similar to Dick Smith Electronics” one commentator said “It may look like a change of face, but really it’s the same Dick head on every product.

In light of other product launches, Dickheads have been the standout. For example his cereals haven’t had the same coverage; Bush foods breakfast cereal has a Dick head prominently displayed upon the packaging. No surprises however, it is covered by a true Australian icon, the akubra.

The recent eruption of demonstrations across the nation, have sparked anti-protestor protests. The extremist group of silent protestors did not achieve their desired goal, as no one actually heard what they had to say. Though a change of tact saw many thousands of “The Dick’s” supporters incite riots… Of laughter, as they proudly paced the main streets of Australia with signs and banners reading “We Love Dick!!!”

It appears the advertising cutbacks have not hit home to these die-hard fans, the advertising commission have labelled it as “Dick’s roll back” the biggest downturn in profitability since the launch of “Dick Gravy”

Long and repetitious advertisements imply consumers are traitors to their country and themselves, if they do not purchase his products. “Don’t buy Dick? You must be unAustralian!” is one catch cry heard one too many times by some members of the community. This in mind, they too had signs and banners of their own. Some of which read “YOU SUCK, DICK!!!” Obviously some people think that there is a need for Dick to be cut down to size.

Critics of the critics have been said to have said that people don’t like “The Dick” because they are jealous of his fans, fame and fortune. After all, who can be internationally recognised as being a successful businessman, aviator, film maker and explorer in one. They argue some of today’s reports are simply flat… with absolutely no point. Claims have it that society is made out as plebeians being brainwashed by the media, drowned by apparent comedy. Other’s merely declared there were more Dick jokes than you can poke a stick at.

The complete shutdown of Ansett has taken it’s toll on the people of Australia. Although Qantas is the real Australian Airline, it still seemed appalling we couldn’t even keep our flight carriers up. In lieu of the joint Mr Solomon and Mr Lindsay Fox shared while making a take over bid, there were other bidders.

Referring back to dickheads… “We’re Fighting Back!” has never had so much meaning when fellow Aussie compatriot Big Kev heard about the opportunity to invest in Australia. The mammoth joint “The Dick” and Big Kev bid was held responsible for Big Kev’s announcement, “Dick and I are flying high… I’m Excited”

Being the astute businessman “The Dick” is, he managed to pull a few strings. Both Big Kev and his friend Dick were expected to present Australia with a new Airline service. Their company, to be called “Big Dick” was envisioned to really gain some market interest. Dick mentioned that there was “Endless opportunity for expansion” and because they support Australian’s, they wouldn’t contest with Qantas “This doesn’t mean we will not be chasing the Virgin customers”

The new airline Big Dick was set to convert Virgin customers nationwide but such a fantastic move was sure to meet resistance. When the nation was sent into delirium over the refreshingly new approach to modern society, Action factions decided… it was time for action. The foreign owned Virgin Blue had been forced to deal with threats to their innocent company venture before, so other companies trying to screw them over was nothing new to them. Virgin has vocalised its views on the “Big Dick” bid in stating, “It takes more than Dick to penetrate our market… and we are not talking Big Kev”.

Penetration is what running a business is all about. In order to make a turnover there needs to be a market desire for the product or service. Big Kev has found his market selling his wares to housewives and cleaning ladies across Australia. It comes as no surprise he’s excited.

Dick Smith however, did not have such a colourful introduction to the sales industry. Dick Smith Electronics was started with $610 capital in 1968 and lasted a 14-year period of ownership. During this time the chain managed to cover over 50 stores across Australia and New Zealand and turn over $50million at its peak. Pretty good for cheap, sweatshop built, Asian electronic components… The term electronic goods is arguable.

The electronics industry was given “The Dick” in so many different ways, as Dick decided he’d sell off his company to Woolworth’s, now a global stock market listed company.

This was obviously enough for the newbie millionaire to go on a solo helicopter flight around the world. Even enough to toy with becoming a famous Author, as he wrote his first book “The Earth Beneath Me” With that much money, it’s no shock, Dick was on top of the world.

After a minor flop of Dick’s popularity, it was time for another business venture. Two years after selling Dick Smith Electronics off, Australian Geographic was founded. A year after that “The Dick” was named the Australian of the year. Just to prove critics wrong concerning allegations of vote fixing, he bought The Australian Encyclopaedia. This move ensured Dick would go down in history.

Buying the Encyclopaedia rights did not look as if it affected Dick’s bank account, so he went on yet another helicopter journey. This time he was the first to fly to the North Pole. Rumour has it he was scouting out Santa’s workshop in order to purchase that as well.

Again “The Dick” slipped into the public eye, after fading away so well. In 1989 his helicopter adventures made him the first to fly around the world via the poles. Shortly after Dick circumnavigated the globe on a sea of clouds, he was elected the Civil Aviation Safety Authority Chairman from 1991-1992

In 1993 “The Dick” was no longer chairman, as people began to notice his talking hot air. Ballooning was his newest passion and for a multi-millionaire, the first non-stop Australian crossing is all in a penny’s work. Some also blamed the CASA position loss on his continual failure to break into Author stardom.

Another 2 year break in the hectic Australian icon sell off schedule and in 1995 Australian Geographic was sold off to Fairfax. His books, considered his highest liability and his monthly publication, his highest asset were both baggage “The Dick” needed to lose. Just as Woolworth’s got traded in, Fairfax was privately bought out in 1998… Déjà vu.

Surely enough a year later, in 1996, “The Dick” returned with another book, titled “Above The World” and how true considering Dick’s wallet was weighing his pants down.

Yet another few year stint as CASA Chairman was ended in 1999, when “The Dick” became a patron of Ausbuy. A non-profit organization focussed on supporting Aussie products and anti-import and foreign ownership. Not at all a diversionary tactics surely?

The first hot air balloon, trans-Tasman crossing was enough for Dick to found the Dick Smith Flyer, In the year 2000. By this time, Australians and the rest of the world alike, were sick of Dick. Some were so disgusted they wondered how they’d swallowed years of hypocritical slime.

 He started his career off like all the companies he swears against, multi-national. And then he continually tries to make himself synonymous with Australian icon status. Plain and simply, people believe he capitalises on national pride and sells it off completely, everyone is fed up with Dick.

Although it may appear as apparent as… something that’s very apparent, the skin hasn’t fully been rolled back on “The Dick” Every individual who participates in his conspiratal plan is being made out to be Dicks. Dick Chocolate, known as OzeChoc and BBQ and Tomato sauce are just the start of the total Dick shopping list.

Dairy products have also been targeted, with the future introduction of extra high protein formula milk from Dick. Skim and flavours are sure to follow, just as blue vein or mouldy Dick Cheeses will follow the current Dick Cheese product line. Tasty Dick Cheese is already being tested in labs.

The poll has just been closed and results show 99% of Australians do not believe that “Dick has been rubbed the wrong way” they believe his letting loose on Australia is ridiculous, and extremely repulsive. If his newest business becomes profitable enough he will sell it off. Or worse still, he will write a book about it!!!

The other 1% of voters were off their face and their votes didn’t actually count because they were minor parties in the joint bids.

If you know of anyone whom Dick has deluded or who do not mind that his hands on approach is removing all Australian dignity, please contact authorities. Police have already picked up on Marty Gra a prominent Dick lobbyist, who launched a major street march. On the other end of the scale there are as many, if not more, people pressing their case against “The Dick”

Attempts to regain Dick’s lost dimension by packing products into shelves across the nation and airing advertisements in a dictatorship style can not be tolerated by the Australian people. Not everyone is content sucking Dick cordial and being complacent with our rights to purchasing freedom. It just takes consumers balls to challenge Dick and his mesmerizing business flair. This hypocrite that sells himself off as a dinky-di Australian icon, has been shown for what he really is and what he’s done. Australia has been given “The Dick”