Phil's Funnies - Jokes
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Newly Weds:

This couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out into town and party with his old buddies, so he says to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back..."

"Where are you going Coochy Cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife says to him, "You want a beer my love?" Then she opens the door to the refrigerator and shows him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband doesn't know what to do, and the only thing that he can think of saying is, "Yes, Honey Pie...but the bar you know...the frozen glass..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, when the wife interrupts him by saying,"You want a frozen glass Puppy Face?" She takes a mug out of the freezer so frozen that she was getting chills holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, says, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres Pookie Pooh?" She opens the oven and takes out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But Sweetie, Honey...at the bar...you know...the swearing, the dirty words and all that. .."

"You want dirty words Cutie Pie?..HERE, DRINK YOUR F*****G BEER IN YOUR FROZEN F*****G MUG AND EAT YOUR F*****G SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT A*****E?!!"

4some:

This foursome has teed off every Saturday morning for the past three years. One of the guys was a most remarkable player.

He would play left-handed for a couple of weeks, and the next week he would play right-handed with equal skill.

His one annoying fault was that every couple of months or so he would be twenty minutes late to tee off.

One morning, after this guy had landed his second shot just two feet from the pin, one of the others said. "I can't stand it any longer! Jess, what's with switching sides, right to left?

Why do you do that?" "Well, I tell ya. Every Saturday morning when I wake up, I turn over and look at my wife in the bed next to me.

If she's sleeping on her right side, then I tee off right- handed.

If she's on her left side, then I play left-handed." "Aha! But what if she's on her back?"

"That's when I'm twenty minutes late!"