Phil's Funnies - One Liners
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*Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

*Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

*Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

*You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

*You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

*One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.

*Every time I think about exercise, I lie down 'till the thought goes away.

*God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

*I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

*Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

*Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

*Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.

*Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.

*Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

*There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

*One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

*Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.

*The best way to keep kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere - and let the air out of their tires.

*Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

*Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

*Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

*My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.