Awhile ago, I start posting a series of articles about relations on my MySpace profile. They were called Questions.
It's been a while since I wrote a 'question' blog, but something occured to me the last two days. As I've said before, I've made a lot of mistakes over the years when it comes to relationships. Almost every relationship I've had since I was 14 has ended because of some mistake I've made. And some of those started because of a mistake I made.
The reason I started thinking about this is because of my most recent mistake, which I've talked enough about. It got me thinking though, about the mistakes I've made in the past, and those others have made in relationships with me.
I can forgive anything short of cheating on me or trying to kill me, and what I wonder is, have I been too forgiving. I've got a lot of regrets for the way my relationship history has gone, and I wonder if I had broken up with some of them over their worst mistakes, would I feel better about it.
I also seem to be incapable of ending a relationship. I just can't bring myself to break up with someone I care about. But I also think I realize when things are over, and push them to break up with me... which leads to this question... have others been too forgiving of me?
It's something I think about at times like this, when a mistake I've made is fresh in my mind. I don't know if I'll be forgiven for my most recent mistake, but I hope so. But I also remember something I heard once that struck a chord with me...
"Forget about forgiving and just accept"
I think that's something that this world needs more. Acceptance that we're all exactly who were are, and that we're going to make mistakes. There's a side of me that doesn't want forgiveness for the mistakes I've made, because they came naturally from who I am. I've always tried to embrace who I am, for better or worse.
That was where my ex-wife and I ran into problems... she expected me to change everything about myself to suit what she and her family expected of her husband... and I couldn't and wouldn't do that. I may not be the best man on the planet, but I'm pretty damn good as I am and there's only so far I'm willing to go towards fitting what someone else wants me to be.
I fought for four years to be myself in the Navy, an organization that values conformity in everything, even thought. I came out of it as myself, although a few things did change me there.
So, as for my mistakes, I'm sorry for them, but they're a part of who I am. If you can understand and accept that, then you are a wonderfully unusual person in this world and I applaud you for it.