Its been a while since I wrote this, but since my life hasn't changed much it all still applies.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly about how much I hate being single. I really do hate it. I see all my friends who have boyfriends or girlfriends and it's hard not to be envious of that. When I'm at work, I see couples walking around all the time and again it's hard not to be envious.
Why is it so hard for me to find someone? I really don't get it. I know that I'm not the best looking guy out there, but I'm not terrible. I know I have a crappy car that doesn't run, but I'm working on that. I know I have a crappy job, but I'm working on that too... and that'll help with the car problem. Isn't there one girl around here who can see past all that to who I really am.
I'm a pretty good boyfriend. I've never cheated on a girl, I've never beat a girl, and with the exception of my ex-wife I'm on fairly good terms with those few of my ex's that I've talked to.
There's a part of me that's very angry about this right now. That's the part that thinks I can't find someone because I don't act like I'm a badass, because I don't party all the time, because I treat girls with respect, because I'm not all 'gangsta' or 'goth' or 'preppy' or 'jock' or all the other stupid stereotypes out there, because I'm a nice guy...
I find it hard to believe that there isn't one girl around here who wants a nice guy who is going to give her respect and companionship without trying to force himself into her pants, who will treat her as good as he can, who will be patient and understanding with her, who will accept her for who she is and not expect her to change to suit him.
Let's me say this right now... even after all the heartache I've experienced in my life, I do still believe in love and that's something I still want to find. I'll also say that I enjoy sex and want that too :P But first and foremost, I want a companion, a friend, someone that I can talk to and tell how I really feel about things and who will do the same with me, someone who wants to spend time with me instead of feeling like they have to because I'm her boyfriend. I want someone who understands who I am and why.
I've looked everywhere I can think of to try and find someone like this. And so far, I've pretty much failed, although I have met some really cool girls who I enjoy talking to a lot and a couple who might be what I'm looking for in time.
Sometimes I just want to give up, resign myself to the fact that I'm probably going to be alone the rest of my life, and try to learn to live with that. It's a very depressing thought, but it's how I feel sometimes.
Other times I feel like any minute now, the girl I'm looking for is going to show up out of nowhere and make me feel whole again, make me feel alive, make me feel like I'm actually worth something to someone.
Don't get me wrong... I'm not writing this in the hope that the girl of my dreams is going to read it and come knocking on my door... although that would be nice. I just feel like I have to get this out... get all these thoughts off my chest so maybe I can find some peace for a little while.
A friend of mine asked me to put what I wanted in a woman as few words as possible, my minimum requirements for a girlfriend. My response was very simple: single, 18 or older, and interested in me. Everything else is negotiable. That seems kind of crass, but it's not meant to be. Single, because I'm not willing to break up a relationship to get someone. 18 or older for obvious reasons, and because they are more likely to have the qualities I mentioned in all those blogs about what I want in a woman, and interested because if she's not interested in me then what's the point of talking about it.
Something else occured to me recently. Thinking back over the years, I've always waited for the girl to make the first move. As I've said before, I was always very shy and very afraid of rejection. Letting the girl make the first move was a way around those problems and to this day, I still prefer for the girl to do so. That way I know she's interested and I'm not forcing my attention on someone who wants nothing to do with me.
So, ladies, if you're single, 18 or over, and interested in me, let me know about it. I said during one of my WTF rants that the first girl who meets those requirements, wants me, and let's me know that will probably get me. Yeah, it sounds desperate and pathetic, but it's just the truth. I'm not likely to turn someone down unless I'm totally not interested in them, and it takes a lot for me to not be at least a little interested in a girl.
God, I really do sound desperate, but I don't care. I'm tired of being alone and I'm sure some girl out there is too. I've told you all who I am and what I'm looking for. If I sound like what you might be looking for, then don't be afraid to let me know. And if I'm not, then tell your friends to read this :P At least they can get a laugh out of my pathetic ass...