I have been there. I know how it
feels to be bombarded with ideas and realities too cruel to accept. How it
feels to see the sadness in your eyes when your efforts were considered
useless, nonsense and stupid. How it feels to be called an activist, a
rebel and sensing the dislike and mockery in their voices because you're not
one of them, because you're different in their eyes. How it feels to walk in
the streets, shouting and fighting for principles which you believe were
right only to be met by taunting stares and remarks of people who do not
understand and fully know the reasons why you are there.
I tell you, it's not easy. Day
and night, you had to battle with your fears, your rational mind, your
heart. You begin to question if what you're doing is right, if it's making
any sense at all. And then suddenly, you will doubt your faith in yourself,
in the people around you and sometimes even to the One who created you.
When the truth becomes too
ruthless, to difficult to accept, you sometimes think that it is better to
run and hide or to pretend to be deaf and blind to the reality or better
yet, to wish that you'll just die in your sleep. Ever since I was a child, I
have always been aware of the harsh realities of life. They were like my
food, my teacher. They were the contents of my book, of my lessons in
school, of the music that I hear and even in my dreams, I see them. I was
raised with the truth that there is something terribly wrong with our
system, that the Philippines is in dire poverty, that we, Filipinos are
controlled by foreign masters and that we are not truly free thus making me
realize that what I see on TV were merely lies.
I started doubting everything
when I was 15 - my principles, my beliefs, my views, the reasons why I'm
fighting. The realities were getting too brutal and I am not that strong
anymore. I have lost my strength and my will. My feet were too weak or
maybe, they just refused to walk. I lay low then eventually disappeared. But
I have reasons that only my heart could understand.
I have never conquered my fears.
My fears conquered me. And until now, they are still deep inside me,
howling, screaming in my head. I doubted myself, the people who are around
and even the Omnipotent Being who made me but I have never lost my faith in
them. I am starting to regain my strength and I am starting to find my way
back but inspite of all the encouragement and the invitations, my feet are
still unwilling to walk in those streets again.
For two years, I have never been to a single rally but I have never lost the
feeling of how it is to be there. I am not there but I have always been with
them in spirit. I have always respected them and believed and understood the
cause of their struggle. In silence, I admired their strength, their love
for the country and their willingness to sacrifice. And in my own, I
protested and objected the unjust and unfair ways of the world. Silently,
quietly, where no one hears. But in my silence, I have always felt ashamed
because I cannot be with them. Because I am too weak, too cowardly, too
selfish - knowing that there is something I can do for the world but still I
refused to listen and heed the call.
A lot of presidents may come and
go. But the country will remain poor and undeveloped if the people will let
themselves be fooled and if the rotten and corrupt system will remain. The
system that became corrupt and rotten because it was and still is
manipulated and controlled by the hands of our foreign oppressors who never
left our shadows, who since time immemorial have loved to watch us suffer.
The
people are tired and turned to members of the elite. The people voted for
them because they believed their claim of being "maka-masa,
maka-Diyos at maka-bayan." Unfortunately, these would be leaders
turned out to be puppets of the imperialists. Consequently, nothing has
changed. Nothing happened.
It is the new millennium-the new
ear, the age of Internet and computers. But here we are, sinking deeper and
deeper into the murky depths pf poverty. You don't have to learn how to read
and write or even to graduate from the University of the Philippines just to
know all these. All you need is to open your eyes, listen to the screams and
wails around you and whoa, welcome yourself to the Pinoy world!
All these rallies and protest
actions are not useless, nonsense and stupid. It is for a noble cause - an
unselfish cause. It is not only for the benefit of the few but
the rest of the people. They are not there to cause more trouble
and chaos. But let me think again. Well. Maybe they are. They are
because their shouts echo in the corners of the minds and hearts of those
people who were blind and unaware of the reality. They are causing
trouble because they awaken the patriotic spirit of the Filipino people,
which could increase the number of those who are protesting and calling for
the ouster of the president. And they are causing more trouble because they
are seeking for change - a change that might oust not only the president but
also the rest of those who are in power who are already benefiting from
their position. And before you say that all these efforts were
pointless, stop and look back in the past. These pointless efforts
were the same efforts that made the dictator of the land fall, he same
efforts that dismissed the US Bases from the country and hopefully, the same
pointless efforts that will oust the corrupt, immoral and inefficient
president.
There are some things that we
cannot change. A period will always be used to end a sentence. The color of
the sky will always be blue and alcohol will always be used as a
disinfectant and antiseptic. But still, there are things in this world that
we can change. Just like the President of the Republic of the
Philippines.
Enough is enough. Too much
damage has been done. Too much shame has been given to us as a people,
as a country, as a race. Sobra nang pahirap ang dinanas ng mamamayang
Pilipino. It is time for Estrada to step down from the stage. The
curtains are down. The show is over. Let him take a final bow but the
audience will not be applauding.
And I, I am just here, watching
from a distance. I am still not above my fears and the reasons that I
had back then are still here, fastening my hands and feet with chains,
making me a prisoner.
I long to be there. I need to be there - there in the streets, somewhere
where I can let these voices in my head be heard. Not now,
maybe. Maybe when I am stronger and better. When I am strong
enough to break free from these chains. Maybe someday.
Maybe one of these days.