The Man in the Mirror
by Janjan Perez
A pair of cynical eyes look back at me through the mirror, laughing wryly at some joke that I do not get. Perhaps it understands the cruel prank that I have played on myself... of how I find myself sinking day by day in a dark circle of hedonism.
"How ironic," I wryly think to myself. Yes, how ironic... to think that I used to be such a pure and simple person, despising the trappings of modern-day life. Simplicity, I often told myself. Keep your life simple, and thoughts kept focused on God.
I am not that person anymore. Shallow things like music, clothes, and food now occupy my mind. Now my drives run toward the materialistic comforts of life. I long to have a nice car, to live in a comfortable and stylish apartment, and to hang out with cool and trendy people. I feel the pull to go out and join the mindless masses.
There is a part of me that shudders at what I have become. The geek that used to be me back in high school and the soft-spoken little boy that I was when I was a child... they both cringe at the sight of the hedonistic person that I have become.
But then there is a new part of me... the new mindset that I wear day by day... the new Jan Ralph Perez that is more confident, more cynical and more world-wise... he applauds the change that I have undertaken. And to be honest... I revel in the praises that I tell to myself when I see the new me in the mirror. Confident, poised, self-assured.
But look in my eyes and you see the price that I paid for this self-confidence. My eyes are dead and lifeless. The change is evident everytime I compare pictures of me when I was younger and recent snapshots of the me that I know now. When I was younger, my eyes were full of life and possibilities. When I was younger, I was afraid of everything but I trusted everyone. When I was younger, I saw two sides of reality... one that I accepted with my own corporeal senses, and the other I saw through the fertile imagination of my mind's eye.
I guess the real world took over and made a real mess of things. Now that I am older, my eyes are jaded and full of cynicism. Now that I am older, I see the weaknesses and frailties in others and that leads me to mistrust their motives and dismiss other people for the weaklings that they all seem to be. Now that I am older, I only know of one reality... this one that I bend to my now stronger and greedier will.
There are moments when I look back and reflect if the change was all worth it. I have a better chance of surviving now in the "real" world, but was it worth losing my innocence and my trusting heart? I have a greater capability of amassing a huge fortune for myself if I want to, but will all the money and the power in the world be worth losing a huge chunk of my immortal soul?
My eyes staring back at me through the mirror offers no answers, save perhaps a cynical little laugh.
There's a change in the weather, and there's nothing I can do about it except ride the tempest as it comes. I think that that is all that I have left in me.
The change and power that lies in my fingertips is intoxicating, and I could not wait to see what would happen when I set myself loose on this unsuspecting world. I will be powerful someday, and I am certain of it... and when I do make it I am going to stand up and be proud of it, as I rightfully should.
My eyes know better, and behind the sarcastic laugh, there hides tears that are never to be. My eyes know better.
There will be nights, when I am all alone and there is no one left to see me... I shall find a window upon which to view the moon and the stars. Near the window shall be a dark corner upon which I can press my back as I sit and stare out the beautiful sky. Then I will curl myself up like a fetus and cross my arms around my knees to ward off the cold. In this silence, I shall look as far back as I can remember... laughing at the memories as they come back sweetly to me. And then I am going to close my eyes and then keep on crying... weeping at the sight of the man that I have had to become.
