June~~~

June 11,1999 - We got through yesterday by the skin of our teeth. Another of those days when if a plan had been on the agenda, it would have been trashed. BingoKid was in tip-top shape and full of vitality. Tbird comes by and we load up him and her three and head up to Blowing Rock where she has an appointment with Dr. David. Perhaps I should just say that it was an interesting afternoon spent with three active, typical boys who enjoyed themselves tremendously. Oh, they were good, just actively interested in a lot of different aspects of enjoyment during the trip. We barely made it back to my house and it was time for Tbird and her brood to continue on to Hickory for Vacation Bible School. The telephone was ringing and BingoKid had to go on to his Karate Class. His Granddad came by and picked him up.
Our discussion on the way up the mountain had a note of sadness. It is a sadness I have been carrying around with me for way too long. I wait for God to show me what I should do. Perhaps he is showing me what I should do and I am not being a good listener. Perhaps it is not what I have wanted to hear and heed. Yet, more and more I am assured that my Christian family is changing. It is no longer the one of my childhood and early adulthood. Now that I cannot do the interaction of an active member, I am no longer needed. In fact, from the indications that I am getting vibes from, I can be more of an asset in a ministry on the computer. I feel more needed there and can offer prayers and uplifting to many that are in need of attention.
Why would I have these thoughts about making such decisions? Tbird and a life-long friend that grew up with her in the church and have always been very active in the church and its movement have gone to the camp to swim this summer. The weekly news bulletin that is mailed out from the church office plainly states that the camp is open to our church and their guests as well as members of our other area church families of our movement. That includes four other churches, or one would think that. That's well and good - go to camp, sign in and follow all the rules and all is Kosher.
It does not happen to be quite the way it is. Yes they do go and follow the rules and monitor their children. The older boys go down to the tennis court. The building beside it is open (no sign or anything saying, "do not use") and they take the balls and rackets and play some tennis. The caretaker comes out and informs them that they are using his personal possessions and that they must put them back and stop playing. They come back to the pool and you would think that is itЕ
Tbird gets a call from her pastor later on. Seems that Tbird and her friend have not donated any money to my church for use of the camp and the boys have been "getting into things they are not supposed to." My pastor wants her pastor to pass along the message so he (my pastor) can get some of the "whomever's" that are complaining off his back. Considering that the girls grew up at the camp and have literally lived there for so many, many summers loving every inch of the land, and that both have many family members still within the church - aunts, uncles, cousins - and they attend one of the area churches that has been invited to use the camp throughout the summer; why this!
Guess there are probably way too many possible answers to that. Suppositions that probably go back to another time which caused a lot of turmoil when the newer church was founded. I only wonder if all churches are expected to make donations to use the pool? It's fine to help with defraying the cost of upkeep. Laying out the ground rules though should be done when the invitation is extended. Tbird and friend, wanting to do what is right, wrote out checks to the church so they would be legal and accepted. Tbird took her $50 check into the church office and delivered it in person so she would be sure it made it into the right hands. Now she wonders if she is supposed to write paid beside her name when she signs in at camp next week to swim? She only goes once a week, and that is not on the weekend. I told her she could go with her family to the Aquatic Center cheaper than that, but then again it is not about money. It is about belonging and being accepted. I know I should stop referring to it as "my church", but some habits are hard to break. I am not angry; but I am sad and hurt. I no longer feel a part of the family that I have held dear for so long. Where is my Church Family? Is it out in Cyberspace? Up the Street? In another town? Or do I drift along on the outskirts of what used to be? I wonder and wait for the answer.

June 12,1999 - A few drops of rain is all we got from the stormy weather that came by our area the past few days. The temperature is down from the mid nineties which is good. The ozone level is back in a safer range. We could use several days of a slow steady soaking rain to revive the plants and trees. I've been putting out some water in the bird bath for the birds this week.
Tbird and her hubby brought over their brood this afternoon for me to watch for several hours. This is the first time that she and he have been out to take in a movie and eat out without the baby. We did fine together, but Mom still called three times checking to see if all was well. I had to use my grand throne (wheelchair) to care for Giggles, but we did well together. The boys spent most of their time playing the games on the TV. It is like a new toy to them since it has been unplugged since Christmas.
I called for home delivery pizza for supper. Both the boys waited outside watching for the delivery man to arrive with their choice meal. They missed having BingoKid playing with them, but BingoKid and his family left for the beach this morning where they will spend the week. That is why I have Bingo (the dog) with me now.
Come the next week and both Tbird and Allan will be gone on vacations. Tbird will be making her annual trek with her friend from High School years. This year both of there families are going to Niagara Falls for three days and then three more days in Toronto, Canada. This is a trip they will enjoy immensely. It is one of my favorite trips. It would be a treat for them and their children if they would have included the Thousand Islands and a boat ride.
Allan and his family are going to the beach. It sounds like he is going to one of the islands off the coast of South Carolina. He spoke about my going with them, but that is yet to be decided. It has been years since I have gone to the beach. I'll have to think some more on that offer.

June 13,1999 - It's still morning and I feel so washed out. Another one of those days when the word tired doesn't begin to describe the bickering battles experienced within my body. My mind says, "All right, it's up and at'um! Let's get a move on - go, go, go!" Some where deep inside there is an answer, "Hey! Go if you want to, but I'm not moving!" The arms chime in, "I'm so tired and my muscles are sore from yesterday." Then the back: "I hurt today, move easy and don't push me around." Not to be forgotten, the knee throws in, "You better be careful, or I will play a trick on you! Don't you dare forget about me!" The feet? "We are tired and swollen. We just dare you to try taking the pace you have the past few days! Slow down and take it easy." Throwing in its two cents worth, the sinuses decide it is a day to bleed and stay stuffed up. All the meds have been finished, but they are still irritated - perhaps egged on by the ozone problems floating around, the lack of rain, and the pollens. In turn, the head chimes in again, "I know we all need to get it together and do something, but I do ache, thanks to all the rest of you!!" It has been two months today since my last fall. I look at my knee and wonder if it will ever get back to its original color and shape. There is still a warmness radiating from it compared to the other knee. The color is an ugly brownish purple-like tinge fading out as it cascades down the leg. The shin follows suite where it made contact with the pile of newspapers. Who would have ever imagined that getting together newspapers for recycling could result in such an outcome! Mother is sick. She has a kidney infection and is back on oxygen again. She actually sounds a little better today, now that she is on medication for her infection. I must get over there and spend some time with her today. BJ and his wife will not be able to get over there until later this evening so I will try to go after lunch. Then again, Tbird said she may come over and take me to get some groceries. I could just give her a list and let her do the shopping on the one hand. On the other hand, I really do need to start doing things for myself.
I acknowledge that I had made myself aloof from the world. I have allowed my fear of falling or maybe messing up in general to come between me and that world outside the walls of my abode. Am I letting my abode become more like a prison? Any more, there is no desire to venture out there by myself to do things. A simple trip of about 160 steps out to the mailbox may well be 160 miles! Thinking of what is at the other end of the car ride, I am turning down offers to go out to eat. Allan and his family went to Sim's Barbecue Friday night. It is out in the country with parking in the fields around and walking on uneven ground and gravel. Once inside, each section of the barn-like atmosphere that has been added on is on a different level from all the others. There are the small straight chairs of years past or benches to sit on. A fear of the environment and moving kept me away from a fun evening of great food and live country music and dancing.
Mother is feeling better today. She just called to find out what channel our Sunday morning Church Service is on. I take that back ... she called again asking me to look in the basket on the front of her walker and bring her toothbrush and paste with me when I come over ... It is all there with her already ...

June 14,1999 - The first time the quote was printed in the local newspaper, I read it and thought "how true it is." A few days later it was reprinted, and I thought, "Looks like someone slipped up and made an error in the print room." I'm sure I saw it a third time not too long after that. Finally, reading the same quote AGAIN, I figured it must have a genuine message for me to heed.
Life is not a spectacle or a feast;
It is a predicament. George Santayana, An American philosopher (1863-1952) made this observation at some point in his life. It's strange that each time I have read it, my dear AO comes to mind. She had a way of gritting her teeth and moving her head as only she could do and remark, "Just look at the predicament I'm in!" or, "Look at the fix I'm in now." Little did she ever think that all things that happen to us are predicaments, both happy and sad or good and bad. We experience all types of experiences throughout our lives. It is just that some of us choose to dwell on different aspects to build our hopes and dreams on. To her they were catastrophies occurring throughout her life; problems to be overcome or corrected. Her greatest fear was to do something wrong that would cause her to be the center of attention as a result of the action. I always felt that I was one of her embarrassments. It was hard to be exactly what she wished for me to be. I constantly was being corrected and prodded to do things differently. Through it all, I had to learn to trust my own instincts and venture out on my own, living life as it felt best for me. I could not meet her expectations.
Three sets of dark eyes have followed me around all day today. They begged and begged until finally I gave in to them. They had plenty of dry lamb and rice dogfood to devour, but no, they want the canned stuff! All day long they turned their canine noses away from the dry food. All day long they followed me around and sat expectantly, eyes piercing, tails wagging, sitting in a row in front of me begging in their very best form. Finally, after dark I gave in and rewarded them for their day of waiting and begging; I got out a can of food to divide between them. I made three happy companions that were ready to curl up and sleep for the night. No more following me around.
Mostly all I did today was some computer work. Ms. Jay came out and I joined her in the Spa this morning. Allan came by with Buddy for a short stay. He had me to look up some information of Realty Companies at Ocean Isle so they could call about getting a house there for a few days of fun and sun at the beach. A few phone calls and the rest of the day was being lazy. There is always tomorrow to get things accomplished.

June 15,1999 - Singing in the rain, just singing in the rain, what a wonderful feeling, I'm prainy againЕ We need the rain. I'm glad the rain has come. I only wish I could feel accordingly. In times gone by, I used to enjoy going out while the rain was falling and work in the yard. That is the best time to take care of a section that is trying to erode. You can see the best direction to route the run-off and keep the soil from disappearing, or where more dirt needs to be brought in.
Rain was never a reason for us as a family to cancel a camping trip. We camped rain or shine. Some of our best camping experiences were during a rainy season. Our camp area was protected by sheets of plastic clipped on to the canopy by clothes pins. Often, the fish will bite more when it is raining, and the water is much warmer for swimming. I might also add that some of our most memorable moments were during times of storms. At the beach, we endured an unexpected high gusts of wind during a thunder storm that took the roof off a building just across the road from our camper. No one knows the fury of a thunderstorm until they sit inside a tent on top of a mountain. The sound of thunder and flash of lightening are as one. Going on a picnic following a snowstorm and making hot cups of cocoa, heating the water on a butane stove is quite an experience. Taking off in the middle of the night to listen to the seventeen-year locusts singing their night songs in the midst of the forest is another adventure. Then there was the time we ended up making a giant submarine sandwich out of the back of a little Ford Fiesta during a surprise rain shower while on an excursion through Linville Falls area.
There are many more memories of times gone by when I was just as active and pitching in to do my part with everyone else. I long to be able to do some of those things again. There were some activities I could do when we went camping last fall. There were far more things that I had to sit back and watch as others took take of routine camping activities. We are talking about making plans to go on that excursion as a family group again this October.
what causes me to think of these things at this particular moment in time? My son wants me to go with them to Ocean Isle beach this month. He has a condominium reserved that will sleep ten, I think. Instead of saying, "Yes, I'm ready to go." I am hem-hawing and saying ,"I'll have to see, I'm not sure." In the back of my mind I am wondering, "How low are the beds?" "How many steps are there to climb?" "Wonder what the bathroom is like?" "Can I walk in the deep sand and get out on the beach?" "Will I slow them down?" "What will I do about the dogs here at the house?" What ЕЕ.? The questions go on and on. I am not sure of myself and as of this moment, I am going to turn down the offer. As much as I would love to see the ocean again; smelling it's salt air; feeling the wind blowing against me as I walk through the breaking waves - the fear of not being able to do these things and hampering the others are good points to deter me.

June 16,1999 - Bingo the dog, has some sort of skin allergy that causes him to scratch incessantly at times. Just as dawn was breaking this morning, he took one of his scratching episodes. I am not sure what his parents has been using on him but I certainly will be looking through Mother's collection of "cure all's" that are still in her room to find some sort of remedy or relief for him.
Naturally, as the birds began their first chirps of the morning, Charlie decided it was time for him to begin his sentry duty for the new day. He kind of reminds me of the cartoon character dog that sits watch over the sheep as the wolf tries to out fox him. There he is watching patiently with all that hair covering his eyes. You would think that he could not see with that mop hanging over his face, yet he misses nothing.
Seems lately that with the help of two Flexeril taken near bedtime on a regular basis I am getting in a good three hour stretch of restful sleep most nights. Except for the back I probably could sleep more. Laying on the right side, causes pain in my legs and back if I remain that way for very long. Laying on the left side causes numbness in my right leg and sometimes the left one too. On the back? General pain and discomfort as well as more problems with the ole stomach. I have been tempted to stay up more but reason that as long as I lay in bed and meditate or pray I am giving my body a degree of rest and healing that it needs. But, this morning with the two dogs up and at'um and the grayness of a cloudy morn, here I am with laptop in hand doing my thing.
Tbird came by on the fly yesterday afternoon and took time to rush to the store for me. I had the list ready for her with all the items listed in order of the aisles of the store. She was there and back in no time at all. After feeding Giggles, she was off to Asheville and Tai Chi. Dad came by and picked up Giggles and the boys and we talked for a while as the boys played the Sega games. Giggles had been to the doctor for her four month checkup and the doctor was amazed at how she had grown. In those short months she has grown from 19 inches long to 25 inches and gained weight from 6 pounds to 15 and ╜ pounds, and is turning on her side trying to roll over - which she almost can do.
Tuesdays are days I look forward to. My Lady that comes to clean is such a delight to have around. She is so full of energy and bounces around always in a good mood. One day she wants to bring over her Mother to meet me. Her Mother spends all her time looking after Lady's brother that was paralyzed when he broke his back in a swimming accident.

June 17,1999 - I found just the thing to use on Bingo, but Bingo had other ideas about my remedy. He was much too fast and too smart for me to bother with. The first time he headed out doors after my inability to corner him through two rooms. The second time he ran to the doggie door ready for a quick escape when I picked up the jar. Oh, I know I could have closed the door, but I still was not nimble enough to bother with him. If he wants to scratch, then let him scratch.
DynoKid spent the night with me since his brother had an appointment with the Optometrist this morning. I was even coached to join him with a motorcycle race with the Sega during the evening. We also chose an animated cursor for his webpage. Then he wanted some different music embedded on the page. The music we did not find before it was his bedtime.
DynoKid had a tooth nearly out, but seemed to enjoy playing with it mostly until Allan came by this morning and "helped" him extract it. No one else could touch it, but being given a length of dental floss to slip a loop over the loose tooth it was out in no time. Not surprisingly, the edge of the new tooth was already showing through the gum line. The tooth was put into a small envelope to save for the Tooth Fairy tonight.
NascarKid calls and is really tickled about getting a pair of glasses. It has been bothering him the past month or so because he knew he was not seeing well. He inherited his Mother and Great Grandmother's eyes. One day they could all see well and just all of a sudden, the vision is gone except for very near-sighted things. I'll never forget when Tbird got her first pair of glasses. She saw Billboards, signs, building and things that she had never seen before. It was like opening up a new world. Apparently, it is a type problem that is there all along, but not noticeable the early years of their lives. With all of them the left eye is the worse.
I took the bull by the horns today and told Allan that ,yes I will go with them to Ocean Isle for four days. If nothing else I can sit out on the porch and take in the view around and feel the sea air. It will be a good time to take along one of the paperback books that Cotton left for me the last time she was in. I have only read one of them. I'll also take along a chair so I know that I will have a place to sit. I got Ms. Jay to agree to come out and take care of the pups twice a day. Maybe Wes will come by and spend some time with them, too. Then there was the hairdresser to call and change my hair cutting appointment and the Knee Doctor to change my knee recheck. I am ready to go except for packing. We may even take my truck to carry the supplies in since a van will be going as it is planned now.
Commitment - I even made arrangements to go out for lunch tomorrow with Ally. Still have to call Ms. Jay and invite her to go. I'm driving. We will probably go to a Chinese buffet. Then there is the check to write for next year's Civic Center programs. It looks like an excellent program is planned for us. Ally and I have decided to take the Premium and Family options since they have more of what we enjoy. The Nutcracker on ice is on the agenda for this year. Last year it was totally booted from the list after three tries to book it. Now to find my form to fill out and mail in with my checkЕ when in the world have I put it? Certainly not in a place I usually do. Surely I haven't thrown it out! Then again, maybe I did! If I did - not to bother - I'll just go over and take care of it in person.

June 18,1999 - We made a pledge to have lunch together more often; the two of us. Of course Ms. Jay will be invited too. Ms. Jay had to go to Gastonia to take her youngest daughter to the doctor and could not eat out with Ally and me. (She is looking forward to the birth of her 16th grandchild.) Ally and I went to a newly redecorated Chinese Restaurant that has one of the best buffets around. We sat having a leisurely good time taking in the subtle details that had be added around the room. We noted that the Cashier kept adding dry ice to a water fountain nearby so that it appeared like fog rising from the crevices of the rocks as the water cascaded down. The kitchen had been opened up so you could watch the cooks as they worked being kept busy by the lunchtime clientele.
Following lunch I drove up the highway toward the mountains to show Ally where a new Japanese Restaurant had opened recently. From there it was off down the highway toward Hickory to the Civic Center. We wanted to see if we could get our seating arrangements shifted over to the opposite side of the auditorium for the upcoming season. It would mean easier access for us. No decision will be made about changes until July. We have to wait and seeЕ
The program looks exciting for this season. We have agreed to subscribe for the Showcase Series and the Family Series. That means that we will start out with harry Belafonte and progress through a series including the Nutcracker on Ice, Camelot, Glen Campbell, Pumpboys and Dinettes, David Holt Cinderella, Western Piedmont Symphony, The Frog Prince and School House Rock . We should have a great time this year.
NascarKid came running in this afternoon really excited and happy about his new glasses. The Optician took him over to the door and ask him to read what was on the side of a building. He couldn't. He put the glasses on NascarKid and immediately he jumped with excitement as he read the name of the Chair Company. There is a whole new world opened up for him. It brings back memories of when his Mother got her glasses. She could not believe all the things along the road on the trip home from the office. I'm sure he will get a lot more enjoyment from his trip to Canada this week. (They left this morning.) We all loaded up and went to the nursing center to show Maw-maw the new glasses and let her know where everyone will be this coming week.

June 19,1999 - I spent way too many hours sitting at the computer answering e-mail, checking out sites and redoing one of the grandsons' site before retiring around 1am. Leave it to too many dogs afoot that one of them -Bingo- decides that this is the night to bark, and bark, and bark. I finally just turned on the TV and let it drown out his commotion. Strange, but the other two paid no attention to him. When the TV was on, he decided it was time to bed down, around 2:30. I left it on for the rest of the night. Why take a chance to start him up anew with his commotion?
Wes and his family should be back from Myrtle Beach today. He will have to take Bingo home and hopefully come over here in the afternoons to check on my two inside and one outside. Ms. Jay will be out in the mornings, but I hate for her to have to come twice a day.
We leave for Ocean Isle Beach in the morning. I like Ocean Isle and its laid back, easy-going, family environment. You cross over by a bridge that climbs high enough to allow ships and boats on the Inter-Coastal Waterway to travel through. As you near the island, the bridge curves and you get a view of the island and its rows and rows of house and canals; a picture-perfect view of a resort that caters to families and relaxation. This time we are to be on the beach front so I should be able to sit on the porch and watch the activities on the beach. The soft sand will impede my getting to be out on the beach.
There is much to do today in preparation for the trip. Birdseed to take over to Mother. (She has to have some attention to assure her that she is important.); my meds to get ready, clothes to chose and pack; the dogs' foods to set out; house key to deliver next door; the standard things you always do when going on a tripЕ
I will be away from my main computer probably until Thursday. Can I survive without it? Yes, of course! I will take my laptop with me, but I don't plan to get on line while I am gone.

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й 1999 by Stormy Jeanne