May,1999

May 11,1999 - This day was not exactly as it had been planned. Tbird was to bring Giggles over for me to care for while she studied for her written National's Exam which is next Monday in Boone. Time is running out for her, yet there were many interruptions at home and she had to change plans. We ended up going out for lunch, doing a few things for me that needed to be done, and then going by one of her schools for her to visit a few of the teachers.

We got to the school just as the students were getting out. Parking the car under a tree so I would have shade, she took the baby in with her. I sat and watched from my ring-side seat as the school children played on the playground while waiting for their school bus to return from delivering the first load and picking them up. There were two loads waiting. One had to wait for thirty minutes, the other for 45 minutes. That makes for a long day. It brought back memories as I watched the teachers on duty sitting and discussing what teachers discuss whenever they are together like that (about anything imaginable.) The children were spread out over a wide area from the slides to the swings to a game of kickball.

As always, there was the one that had to climb a tree and ended up having to sit near the teachers until his bus came. I love watching the interaction of children.

From there we drove over to visit with Mother. I had not seen her in a pretty long while. We had bought her a hibiscus to enjoy watching as it bloomed throughout the summer. She though it too large so there we were calling around to the florist to try to find a smaller one. We found where we could order a six inch one for her. It will be here on Thursday. Tbird will take the larger one home with her when it comes. Then there was the wheelchair to bring home because she had another one that BJ had brought for her to use. We left her some birdseed for the feeders and chocolate candy for the nurses and workers.

The nursing center is just not a place that is adapted to me and my needs. My very first visit there when I was making arrangements for Mother to move, I was faced with low soft leather seats and had to ask for a chair that I could sit in. I would had ended up having to roll to my knees on the floor to get up from the seats they furnished. Today was not any better. I sat on the bed which I always do, but I was up and down several times and by the time we left, I could hardly walk. I know that I could have had the bed rolled up higher, which I have done on occasion, but then again, there is my eternal pride!

We stopped by the jewelry store and picked up my Mother's ring which I had updated. It is a band and the four children's birthstones left a lot of empty spaces, so I had come up with the idea of adding smaller stones along the ends for each of my grandchildren. I had only the three boys on it, so there were several to add, plus, I had the set put in place for Cotton's baby while I was at it. There was my step-granddaughter and Allan's foster baby that I added, too. It is about to be full now.

By the time Lady came to help with the house, I was pass moving! I was little help to her, so it was wonderful that she was able to just jump in and take charge. That's what I like! She is comfortable enough with me now that she knows about what I want or need. She sees some things that I don't think of, too. Each evening when she leaves she makes a point to see that I am properly "locked in" and safe. I feel that she has adopted me.

May 12,1999 - It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... How many times do we do things that remind us of the beginning line of some novel, a song line, poem, historical quote, proverb, or other trivial thought? It is just that so many of these lines are expressions of life as it unfolds for each of us. My favorite is from the Bible. It has brought me through many trials and tribulations. Where I live, it is one that is always a reminder of life and God's love. I prefer the King James translation. It has a special melody as the words are spoken. These new translations may be easier for some to understand, but they lack the melody, the true beauty of the words and thought.

Psalm 121
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills
From whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the Lord
Who made heaven and earth."

There is more, and I claim the whole psalm as my favorite, but it is the first few lines that carry me through hard times. It reminds me that all the rest will follow and that no matter what, God is always there for me. I don't question why I am as I am, but only that He gives me strength and faith to endure and accept.

Today is just one of those days.

May 13,1999 - Ms Jay came out to use the Spa yesterday. I just didn't have the energy to change and join her. She did ask if I would come out and talk while she soaked some of the aches out of her back and ankle. She had climbed up on her roof and cleaned the gutters out! I did sit on the side of the tub and put my legs in. That helped out the knee while we talked.

She mentioned that she would like to have a web site, but didn't know how to go about getting one or making it. I told her to think about what she would like and we could see what we could work up for her. As we talked the conversation turned to recipes and an idea sprain to life! After she left I came in and worked on setting up a new site for her until the storm came and I had to stop for the evening.

This being such a slow un-energetic week for me, I was ready for a rest anyway. The florist had called early to say that she had the flower for Mother. She had some deliveries to make to the Center and offered to take it along with the others. I thought that would be a nice surprise for Mother, and it would save my daughter a trip over just to pick it up. Of course, once she received it, Mother was ready to have the other plant taken out. The thought of having to keep it there longer was just hard for her to comprehend! She was so afraid that it was going to get broken, or something. No one came by, so no one was able to pick up the plant this day. I am just to tired to care much.

May 14,1999 -Tbird comes over and has decided it is time to get me out for awhile. I have a few places that I need to go by, but tell her that I don't feel like getting out and moving around much. I do agree to have lunch at Fuji's if she will go in the other places for me while I wait in the car with Giggles.

When we get to the Nursing Center, I have her tell Mother that I just don't feel up to walking in today to see her. My friend that works there offered to take me in with a wheelchair, but I just didn't feel like moving. It was only a short stop anyway. I was ready to get back home and hit the bed!.

May 15,1999 - May 16,1999 -Kids in Crisis - Mom is Out of It!

May 17,1999 - I've had several days of being out of contact with the real world. It all started Friday with the chills running up and down my back as it has many afternoons. Generally, I go to bed and wrap up in my blanket and wait for the warmth to return. Usually, it appears to be the thermostat mix-up brought on by the Fibro stuff. This time I told Tbird that I would be fine, it would all stop before long. She could run along home and not to worry about me. I've had these chills often enough to know that they were only temporary.

How wrong can a person be! I kept getting colder and shivering even more. About 2 AM I searched around and found a thermometer. My temp was 101.8 degrees. No wonder I was shivering and damp and sweaty and whatever else I was doing. I took Tylenol and went back to bed. At 4 AM the temp was still up. I felt awful. Too awful to try to keep my grandsons that evening. A call later in the morning to my daughter only gets her upset about my having a high fever and she calls Wes to come and check on me. He calls Convenient Care at the Hospital and finds that they can see me at 2:20 - provided my temp is under 102!

I got to the Hospital, but had no desire to sit around or have to talk. I didn't want to do anything! Convenient - maybe- but also just the opposite. They wanted me to tell them exactly what was wrong with me. I didn't know. I had a high fever and felt awful. As we talked, one, I didn't have a blue plastic card showing that I had two artificial joints within my being. I was advised that I should have one, because people come in all the time with scratched arms and such and by showing the card, the staff knows they need antibiotics. Surprising that the scars would not be a giveaway. Secondly, the doctor's assistant saw that everything was pointing to my sinuses problems with an irritated throat and chest congestion. There fore, I needed treatment for that. Check with my doctor midweek about refills for the antibiotics…

Saturday night was a period of drifting in and out of the room. The chills in my back seemed to keep beat with the music on the TV except when the music changed, the chills, did not. They only stopped when I started throwing up and then the ordeal was repeated over and over. Mother called and was concerned because of my incoherence. She tried every way she could to get someone to come get her and bring her here to look after me. As it was Tbird called to check on me. She called Allen and he was first to get here. My temp was 104! I didn't feel like moving much less getting up to get medicine or anything else.

Within an hour or so the whole crew was here. My bed was changed and freshened. I had Tylenol, an icy, 7-Up, a lecture on not contacting any of them sooner, and was left to rest while they pitched in to take control of the helm. I laid in bed feeling like the elders I have cared for in the past, while they were in the other room discussing my well-being. I am not supposed to be the Elder. At least not yet! I have a bunch of years until I get their ages…. Or so I hope!

Always in the past, I have been in control, calling the cards, making the moves, deciding the best way for things to be done. Now here I am, the sickest I have been in many years. I really feel like when I've had strep infection. That has been many years ago, way before the Hubby died. I had forgotten how it felt to be so sick. I could only lye back and let the next generation do what they felt was the best road to travel.

Tbird stayed the night and part of Sunday. Allan was in and out several times on Sunday checking on me.

Today I still have a fever of just over 99 even with the Tylenol taken regularly. The soreness in my throat seems more sore. (Makes me wonder….) Allen thinks perhaps, the whatever is wrong flared up my knee, or else, my knee flared up to start it all. It is what was hurting me more than anything else, all along. So who knows for sure.

I am just ready to jump up and be back in action again. There is a lot of life that I want to take part in. I am tired of having to take a back seat over and over again. As of now, I do not feel like making the trip to NJ to visit Cotton. Tbird has finished her Nationals today. She is free to go visiting now!

May 18,1999 - Most people refer to Virtual Reality. I have been through an experience of my very own - Virtual UN-Reality! It is an area I have no wish to return to any time soon. How do you explain the inability to make a choice? The ability to function for yourself? I floated around and rode "high" some at the hospital while on the morphine, but that was really not that hard to contend with. I could still work through it and bring myself back. I knew what I wanted. Lately, that was not the case.

It's good to be back to being just ME! No, I am not completely up and running, but I can feel in control and able to function for myself. Even Mother commented this afternoon that I finally sounded more like myself and she was not as concerned about me. I can only wonder what every one thought that she called the other night trying to get them all to bring her over here. My brother finally told her if it was that critical for her to get home, then she should just call a cab to come pick her up. (He knew that my children were here.) I have been up and around more today, but have not made it to the computer. I must get myself back into a rhythm of some sort and get a few activities taken care of.

I haven't written to Treeheart in a long time. I am proud of her. She has made it five months now keeping up with her journal writing. She is such an avid reader and has knowledge of so many different authors. She also has a wonderful way of seeing things and accepting life as it comes along. There is always something different that happens everyday with all of us. She can take the changes and adapt quite well for herself. It is the way that we face our difficulties that shapes our futures. She is strong and understanding. She has a strong faith that will always bring her through any trials. Her husband and sons are lucky to have her. She is lucky to have each of them. She has that special insight for each one's needs and takes time to talk with them.

May 19,1999 - Strange that I should record my thoughts of Treeheart and her strength and not long after get a phone call that taxes my own strength to its very limit. It is a phone call that something is very wrong, but just what is yet to be known. There is too much pain for any talk or comfort it seems. We can only imagine what must be going on. Yes, God is my strength to bring me through this and to give me the knowledge to do and say the right things throughout the coming days and months.

Today has been a lonely type of day, interspersed with phone calls and a brief visit by my aunt and her friend from Hickory who visited only a minute - not even taking time to sit. Allan took time to check on me briefly upon beginning his yard work and ending his yard work. He made me promise to call him if I needed anything at all. The Ambulance drove by long enough to stop and pick up something here. I joked and said I was glad it was the front door and not the back. (They come to the back door when there is a pickup to be made. LOL)

The call I expected all day finally came late in the evening. I knew what it was. I didn't want to learn that what we suspected happened had come true. Many of the calls all day had been, "Have you heard anything, yet?" "Have you called?" I didn't need to call, because I knew when the time was right, the call would come. It came even though none of us wanted to hear or believe, "We lost the baby." This is the third time. No doubt the hardest time.

They are in New Jersey, the rest of us are in North Carolina. How can you give hugs so many miles apart? For now, I am not wanted there. I can only say how much I love them and how sad for me it is. I can only say that if I am wanted, just let me know and I will be there. I can not take away the pain. I cannot say the words to make it all right. I have no magic to reverse history. I can only share the burden of sorrow and give all my love. Yes, my love to my children, my grandchildren and to those that I will never know. Only God knows what may have been….

May 20,1999 - What a beautiful day today is. The sun is so bright; few clouds in the sky; pollen level is down somewhat. It turns out to be a great time for me to venture out and try my legs again. I have been watching the three new baby robins this morning. They are just out of their nest and learning to search for their own food in the front lawn. This is the second setting of Momma bird. I watched as she taught two babies to take flight the first time around.

Until last summer, I had not realized that they had as many as three different sets of eggs in one season. I have also been watching the little rabbits turn into small adults. Charlie is good to let me know when he has located one in the grass. He really had a conniption when he thought one was getting too close to the house the other day. Oreo's thing is the squirrels. He has a fit every time he sees one in the front yard and quick as a flash is out his door and commanding the squirrel to move on to another territory.

I had some time before leaving for lunch, so Ms. Jay came out for a short lesson on working on her website. I showed her some of the things she needs to always remember to do to make things show up right on her page. We added another recipe to it so she could watch as I did it for her. Surprising, it is Tomato Soup Cake, and it is very yummy! Well, a tomato is a fruit! As she went home with copies of two of her editing pages in hand (one marked with notations), we loaded up to meet Giggles special baby-sitter-to-be in Morganton for lunch.

Tbird was so very fortunate to find Miss Lily to keep NascarKid when he was a baby and she returned to work. Miss Lily has become almost a member of the family since then. She is an exceptional person who happens to love children. She loves them so much so that having raised two of her own, she and her husband have also adopted two babies to raise. As it so happened, the babies were actually sisters that came to them through foster care straight from the hospital. (I don't wish all the pain and suffering on the children that occur each and every minute of the day, but I do pray that my son and his wife could find a baby to keep for life as easily as Miss Lily did. That's a whole other story.)

Miss Lily kept DynoKid until he was old enough to go into preschool. Another endeavor of love from her. Now she meets Giggles for the very first time and is going to keep her three days a week beginning in August when Tbird returns to her Counselor position. Daddy gets to keep Giggles for the other two days. We all feel that this is an opportunity for Giggles that few babies every get to experience. She will be taken into a home and become a part of that home the days that she is there. She will not be just a child to look after, but a part of the family.

Earlier in the morning I called the doctor's office and left a message for his nurse to call me. We had failed to get refills on one of my prescriptions in the office. I had not told him I was on two Prozacs a day instead of one and that needed to be changed. I am opting to go back to my regular arthritis meds. It seems to be easier on my stomach. It is 100 mg, the new one is 500 mg - that could be why. We had talked about a nasal spray for me to use and had not negotiated on whether I wanted to try it or not. I have decided to try it. Then the hospital staff had said I needed to contact him for another refill of my antibiotics since they were not allowed to give refills. All told that cost a pretty penny when we went by the pharmacy to pick up my (literally) "little bag of goodies".

How good it was to get back home. Well, except for one small fact! I forgot to bring my house key with me when I left. Tbird had not found her keys at home this morning and had driven the Suburban since the key was separate. So… it was a quick page to Wes from the cellular car phone… a wait to hear from him… then Tbird was off to her next adventure of the day; I sat on the porch and waited for Wes to drive from work to unlock the door and give me access to my home and bed.

I did take time to water the plants on the porch while I waited for him. Elsie Dawg enjoyed having me outdoors with her for a little while. All told, it was a good day.

May 21,1999 - Yesterday; day of fun. Today; day of rest. I am learning to get the routine down to an art it would seem. Still a lot is happening. I am seemingly glued to the bed. I have dropsy, or so it would appear to some. I see the bed and I drop down on it!

The dogs have become my movable Gargoyles. Just as the cement ones set perched on the corners of buildings guarding and watching, so do Charlie and Oreo, except whenever the notion hits, they pounce, bark, protect, play or run to investigate. They always return to their post to resume their perch - one on each side, or perhaps side-by-side each keeping the other from using the stool to jump. They furnish hours of amusement and companionship to each other and especially to me. One is as sturdy and gun-ho as the other is delicate and reserved. One pounces; the other prances.

That was brought out today when Charlie escaped to the great outdoors! Hurrah! Free! Run with the winds! He cherished and savored every moment of his infrequent joy! He went straight to the neighbor's dog pen in back of their house, so Tbird, bag of beggin' strips in hand, flew off trailing behind to retrieve and return the blur of fur that slipped by her so quickly.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch, there was Oreo enjoying himself as he pranced around the driveway. There was no rushing around for him; no mussing of hair being tossed in the wind, no straining of muscles to cover as much ground as he could as fast as he could. When his name was called he proudly pranced back into the house. That's way we can let him out by himself. Hey, Charlie, pay attention. Look what you miss out on by not being a good dependable listener!

We got our pictures of Giggles today. I got enough of them that the others could all have a choice of one as well. That reminds me that it would be so nice to have my family wall completed in the hallway dispicting all our family at different times through their lives. It was fini at one time, until the wall had to come out to repair the shower pipe which Mother's Parkinson's shaking had moved beyond its moving limits. The pipe is now bolted to the two-by-four in the wall, never to shift easily again. The pictures are only partly replaced, with others strewed around the house waiting to be replaced. There are many things waiting to be … finished? Done? Whatever!

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