you ever feel like you're standing in the middle of a crowded room, and nobody sees you? you ever feel like if you scream maybe if you're lucky somebody will glance at you for but a second? yeah i guess we all do but sometimes i feel like that's all i ever feel. like i'm in someone else's shadow. that's someones been there before me and done better.
like with my brother. smart guy, great athelete, role model extrodanaire. yeah, and i have to follow behind him. and listen to all the crap that goes with following in the wake of somebody. the stories that they exagerrate, the parents bitching at you, asking you why can't you be like your brother.
my response, "'cause i'm not." i'm not my brother nor do i want to be. yet at the same time i feel stuck and confined. like i'm going along with what every body is saying i should be doing, even though i'm fighting as hard as i can be to be cool and collected. it's so fucking hard. you know? to be second born, and first loser. maybe it'd be different if i had been smarter, if i actually cared to pay more attention in school. maybe then i wouldn't have to worry about getting into a university or college that is either the equvilent or better than Yale.
yeah that's right. my jock head brother got into Yale. SAT's of 1260 or 1280 and 90's average and he got into Yale. because he played football. (yeah that's right school will bust their asses for atheletes a.k.a. jocks) that's why i'm stuck playing some sport i don't want to play any more. i hate softball, i hate playing it or at least i hate being confined to one fucking position, being forced to play it every year. what a fucking hampster on a wheel kind of deal (yeah it's true, when you get angry you use the word fuck a lot. it helps punctuate sentences)
it's just i feel so stuck these days. and for some reason when i get this way i do less work, accomplish less and withdraw into myself. and in a way i'm hoping someone will notice and ask me, "what's the matter?" and that some how i'll be able to explain myself and they won't look down on me or not understand. but the people who i want asking me if i'm ok never do and it's always the ones that i don't that do.
sometimes, actually all the time i have very little idea of where exactly i'm heading. am i walking 'round in circles, getting no where but thinking i'm going somewhere. or am i at a stand still and spinning round wildly. maybe it's somehow a combination of both. i just wish i could feel more at home with my self, feel safe in my own skin instead of like how i always feel which is judged. or i always feel like my life is being driven by some one else and i'm in the passenger seat and watching the stretches of highway go by.