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| The Heinous Group |
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| I.M. Heinous throws his hat into Presidential Race |
| From the United Propaganda News Service International Corporation Des Moines, Iowa February 27, 2002. During a surpise press conference held in the bar of the Chi-Chi's on Army Post Rd, local pizza delivery driver and idiot savant I.M. Heinous became the first formally announced candidate for the 2004 Presidential Race. In his first meeting with the campaign press corps, Heinous, an independant, made the following remarks. "Every year hundreds of billions of people in this state die of preventable, cholesterol-related diseases. Aside from the broken little lives of the children orphaned by this insideous killer, it is an untollerable strain on the already overtaxed health care system, and strategically important National Elastic Reserve. The Big Dairy companies continue to deceptivly market thier deadly, high in saturated fat poisons year after year to an unsuspecting public. I am here today to tell them they must stop." "I further propose a sweeping new program of pro-active legislation to provide for the seizure of assets of those who traffic in illicit cheese, toughen mandatory sentancing laws, enact the death penalty for cheese kingpins, and increase the funding of the brave men and women of the Federal Bureu of Tobacco, Alcohol, Firearms and Dairy Products and thier partners on the local level, the Wisconsin State Police Cheese-Lab Task Foce." "We can put this scourge behind us, if only we have the courage and commitment to invest in protecting the precious potential of America's youth from Arterial Plaque." Heinous' speach was unique in the sense that he made his remarks as he consumed four pitchers of frozen margaritas through a straw, while a fake mariachi band pretended to celebrate the birthday of little Stevie Stout, a 14 year old 3rd Grader at the Smouse Academy for Exceptionally Challenged Learners, at the next table. An improptu Q & A session with the assembled reporters was cut short when a waitress complained about Heinous' repeated fondling of her ass as she attempted to serve him fried ice cream. After a brief scuffle with the assistant manager and bus staff, Heinous fled without paying his bill on a moped. The corporate management of Chi-Chi's declined to make a statement. This evening, dishwasher Armondo Hamerra told CNN's Larry King on his nightly broadcast that "I always hated that feelthy leettle bastard Stevie Stout. He tried to burn our garage down 7 times last summer." |