My coming-out story. Compelling reading for those about to break out of the closet! Apologies for the spelling errors. This wasn't typed on a word processing program. I haven't got trouble spelling - I just type too quick for my own good!

IF I were to tell my story as it happened then it would give The Lord of the Rings trilogy a run for its money in size so here's the edited version:

Growing up as a fag, poof, batty boy, shirtlifter or any other sordid name you can think of to best describe a gay person is difficult. Espescially when you live in a homophobic world. Here's my coming out story...

My earliest memory of being differnt was when I started at school. I was immidiately outcasted. although this was partly due to the fact that I never got involved with anything remotely boy-ish. On the outside I was quiet but on the inside I was a extrovert screaming to get out. All the boys would be knocking a ball about in the playground talking about wanking while I was sat with the girls discussing god knows what (it was a long time ago!!!) I was branded a wimp at infant and primary school. The word 'gay' came in later primary school life and was carried over to secondary school. I'd joined secondary school with most of my primary school as it was (and still is) the closet secondary school in the area. Obviously I never shook the wimp tag. This wasn't until someone mentioned the word 'gay'. At breaks I still spoke to the girls rather than play football. This obviously didn't help matters. Even when I started joining in with the other guys at school I still felt different - and everyone knew it too.

On the first day of Secondary school, I was put together with a guy from my primary school who used to bully me for being different. We were totally differnt. He was large, popular and considered one of the 'hard-guys' and then there was me - small and wimpy with a gold star for unpopularity. We bonded. We had to - we had nobody else in our class from our previous school. It was like a marriage of convenience - I knew we'd never become great friends because of this. He lived very near the school and I used to go to his after school sometimes. His parents were usually out and we'd listen to music or watch TV. Bearing in mind this guy was one of the soul founders for the gay 'rumour'. One day after school, probably due to boredom of each others company we decided to play dares. One thing lead to another and the rest is history. I'd played 'doctors and nurses' with the girl down the bottom of my Nan's garden and remembered it being a funny experience. Sex never came into it when you were 9, but this was differnt. all the time I remember thinking 'This is WRONG!' and I remember leaving his house with a cloud of shame over my head. I can remember walking down the hill from the school to my house in tears at the shame that I'd caused myself. This sense of shame never stopped me goig back again. Or again. Or again or again. When it stopped, neither of us mentioned it again. The thing was I never thought about being gay. I was different. Being gay was a myth or if gay people did exist then they lived far far away and had a defect with them Still, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I had this gay basher to thank for it. I never had any real girlfriends during my time at school. I wanted one because I knew it was the 'right thing' to do but deep down I was more interested in being me - even though being me wasn't great all of the time because of all of the stick that used to come my way. Playing with the girls was not only seen as uncool but also girly and therfore I was branded a 'gay'.

School life never really changed. I was miserable. This was until my PArents had an offer to both take on jobs in Bedfordshire. I was thrilled. The thought of starting at a new school with people who didn't know me was fantastic. I could start afresh and change my image, and in turn lose the gay tag that had been a thorn in my side for so long. My parents decided that they couldn't leave my town because of other commitments. This hit me hard as I'd had my heart set on leaving the school that had caused me so much pain. Going back to school when I knew the deal was off was torture. I remember sitting in a PE Lesson after someone had called me a 'poof' thinking how close I was to leaving all of this behind. Thats when I decided to leave the school. That night I sat down and told my parents all that had been going on - I'd over dramatised it a bit because I had to secure my 'escape' if you like. I hadn't told them about my experience with the guy. This was something I could never reveal and would have to take to my grave. I told them that I was bitterly unhappy, had no friends and was taunted and teased about 'being gay'. I had a few friends at school but I had to pleed helplessness to get me out of that situation. I couldn't handle it especially after staring my potential saviour in the face (the move to Bedford). I'd suceeded. Within 6 weeks I'd moved schools.

My new school was differnt. More cooler if you like and the kind of behaviour that you only saw on Grange hill or one of those cheap trashy American sitcoms about teenagers who are supposed to be 17 but in real life are knocking 29 or 30. My popularity grew and grew. I had a sense of camp humour that appealed to a lot of people although not straight away. After a few months I'd gained respect from a lot of poeople. I was a nice guy and no threat to anyone. I'd had run ins with the 'popular' and 'hard' crowd and came out smiling. My new found strength was growing and I was reasonably happy. Although still feeling very different. I didn't think about my gay feelings then and hadn't done for a while. I met a girl through a friend of a friend and our relationship became sexual although not completely (I pride myself on remaining a virgin hetrosexually speaking!) but it felt odd. She rang me the day after asking if I had any regrets and I wanted to cry. This didn't stop me having other girlfriends though. At the back of my mind I knew something wasn't 'right' but 'I couldn't be...gay .....could I? No!' I reassured myself. This was all happening while I had posters of the Kitsch pop band DEUCE on my wall. I used to look at the blond guy and fancy him something rotten. I denied all of this to myself of course and even tried to convince myself that I would 'grow out of it'

At the age of 17 I'd been seeing a girl who I'd met at a caravan park where my Parents had bought a caravan. It wasn't long before our relationship became sexual. 'This is what I should be doing!' I told myself 'But why doesn't it feel right?' It was at the age of 17 that I'd really began to think about my attraction towards men. After messing about with my girlfriend I'd feel dirty. Deep down I knew why. I had an attraction towards men. I was convinced I was bisexual as I was able to .....shall we say....rise to the occasion where girls were concerned. Even so I still denied it. 'If I was gay then surely I couldn' do that' again I tried a damage limitation technique. I stopped seeing Katy in 1999. The same year that my sister came out as a bisexual and my cousin J came out as a gay man to his family. He is a few months older than me. It totally shocked the family. Including me. I couldn't believe he had had the front to admit it. I was obviously still in denial but this bought everything crashing down to earth. My cousins was the only gay peron I knew. I really didn't think that I would ever come into contact with one and still believed that being gay was wrong and was reason to be ashamed. When he came to my Dad's party I teased him about it. I was being completely hypocritical. By this time I'd stopped pretending to myself. I could no longer deny my feelings for men. I was ready to admit my bisexuality. My sister's coming out experience was different and less shocking. She didn't really come out of the closet. Rather she took a graceful side step out of it. She was always shocking people with her choice of boyfriends. Her admiting a love triangle between her, her girlfriend and her boyfriend was still news to me but it never surprised me. She was never a big butch dyke as portrayed on various prison drama's containing scary lezzers. She was my sister. Still I could never tell her about my attraction towards men. I never even considered it. I couldn't I was ashamed.

2 weeks later, my sister took an overdose at my house. She was staying with us after a split with her boyfriend. Her third suicide attempt in the space of a year. I found her dead on the 10th May 1999. This turned my world upside down. This was something that happened to other people. Nici couldn't be dead. All my feelings went out of the window. The death of my sister is another story.

At my sisters funeral, my female cousin and I got talking. Our 2 families lived at least 2 hours away and had only recently started speaking again. Not because of a bust up or anything - just natural progression of living too far apart from each other to 'pop round for a drink'. We hadn't seen each other for years. My cousin Sarah was like a breath of fresh air. She was 25, trendy, lived in London, and her brother was gay. She wore PVC trousers, had spiky black hair and oozed confidence. Her boyfriend at the time was very similar to her. We joke now that he bats for both teams. I'm convinced of it - the gaydar used to work overtime when he was around. I hope he accepts it one day. Sarah and I hit it off and began too see each other after work in London for a drink every Tuesday at Bad Bob's. I worked not far from Charring Cross and meeting anyone in London for a drink was fab, easy and convenient. I gained a new level of confidence and eventually told her over a beer in a pub local to me after ringing her telling her that I had something got confess. I'd gained a shot in the arm after visiting her and my family in Suffolk. There I'd spent the weekend in a gay environment what with my gay cousin and my cousin Sarah's gay friend Stee. I came out to her as a bisexual - convinced that I liked women too much. Over time it becamne apparent that my attraction for women was a compromise. I'd learnt to find women attractive because I thought it was the right thing to do. Finally at the age of 19 or 20 I was out of the closet although with coming out came an new level of stress. I knew this would change my life forvever. My head was buzzing. I am gay I told myself. It was hard at first but after a while I got used to the new me. Gay people didn't exist in my home town. I was exclusive, different and unique. It was an exciting time for me.

So as a gay man, I had to decide my next move. I stuck to my cousin like glue while we sussed out London. I decided I wanted to try a gay bar just off of the Strand in London. I was nervous and felt awkward. As soon as we'd gone in I was eyed up by a guy in a see-through netting top and huge lips. We had one drink and left. It was a disaster. We stuck to the straight venues. My new found confidence wasn't strong enough to even think about going to a gay bar. I know I'd feel intimidated again. I just wasn't ready for it. It took me years to come out and I wasn't about to rush it.

A few months later, Sarah's friend Stee came to visit her in London. Sarah had been winding me up about how he thought I was cute. The thought of doing anything with his racked my nerves but I fancied him like mad. He was 7 years older than I am and I looked up to him. I hadn't been with a male since I was 11. After a night out at the now defunct HOME in Leicester Square in London, we spent the night together. It was a landmark for me and I remember feeling like I was invincible and could do anything. Everything fell into place and it felt natural.

Time passed. My confidence grew and I decided that it was time to let the most important people in my life know. My close family and friends. I told my best friend Nic after watching The Beach with Leonardo Dicaprio. I tried to drop a heavy hint in the form of 'Leo looks fit with his shirt off' she never picked up on it and thought I was commenting on his muscular physique. She carried on watching the film, slightly disgruntled that I'd interrupted her during a crucial bit of the film. I broke it to her over a pizza and a diet coke in Franky and Benny's. The conversation went something like this:

'I've been asked out!' I said sheepishly

'Cool! She replied

'His names *******' I babbled 'and I'm thinking of going'

'Oh right' came the slightly stunned but understanding reply

We spoke about it and she was fantastic and has remained my alli ever since. I trust her with my life.

As far as my family were concerned - this became a lot hardrer. I regretted not getting this sorted before my sister died. she knew about me and had said so to my cousin at my Dad's party. Even at my other cousin Sophie's wedding in 1997 my sister said to her 'One day you'll realise that S (me!) and J (my gay cousin!) are as special as each other'. She'd known all this time and had never said anything. We would have made a fantastic example for a family of the new millenium.

I told my eldest sister by text message. She was devestated and cried for a month. Asking me if I was sure all the time and to think about it. Telling her by text was the cowards way out! I realise that now. My mum knew that something wasn't right and had been sniffing around me and my sister asking what was wrong. I'd been out up town and came rolling in late absolutely plastered. Drinking was fantastic for me at the time. It blocked out the thought of having to tell my parents and denying all the hassle I would cause them. They had 1 year previous dealt with my the sudden death of my sister. Coming in pissed became a way of life. I drank far too much during that stage! I came in and sat down. My sister was there but would leave in about half an hour. After that here's how the conversation went:

'If there was something that was going to affect the rest of your life.....you would tell me wouldn't you?'

'It depends' I answered 'What are you getting at?' I asked - Of course I knew what she was getting at but I just couldn't say those 3 simple words I AM GAY!

This banter carried on for a while, what with my Mum making references to my gay cousin.

'I think you are sexually undecided' My Mum hit me with

'Oh I know which team I bat for!' I said At that point I burst into tears. 'I'm so sorry!' I said 'If I could change it then I would, but I can't'

'So you fancy blokes?' My mum said genuinely as though it wasn't a problem. I breathed a sigh of relief, nodded and then gave her a hug. she told me it would all be alright and that it wasn't a problem.

'You are what you are!' she said

We agreed that we'd delay telling my dad. He was due to start a new job and I didn't want to shadow that or steal his thunder. We would wit 1 month. I was cacking myself - the night before my Mum was going to tell him, I asked her not to. I was too scared. My Dad used to pick me up every night from the Train Station (and he still does - thanks DAD!). I always ask him 'Whats happened today?' everyday without fail! On this particular day he answered ' Mum spoke to me today' 'Oh yeah!' I answered not really paying attention I was looking out of the window trying to wind down from the busy and stressfull day in town.

'We spoke about you.' He said

'OH RIGHT!' I said falling in. Probably the single most awkward moment of my life. I looked at him and then looked out of the window in disgrace.

'It doesn't change anything you know!'

'OK' I said - in total shock. It totally caught me off guard

The conversation changed. HE knew - at last but I wanted to turn back time - I didn't feel ready for all of this. I thought then that I should have waited atleast until I had moved out of home. This was because I knew I had to go home and face the music. There was no escape. The day had come 'SHIT!' I thought.

I got in, had dinner and went upstairs. I came down about 8:00pm - just as the credits for Eastenders were rolling. I nervously walked to the computer and checked my email. '4 new messages' displayed my inbox. The last and most recent message was from my Dad's new hotmail account that I'd recently set up for him. I opened it. It read something like this:

'I know you don't want to talk right now but when you do I will listen. Its not a problem'

I knew I had to get this sorted so I walked over and sat down on the sofa. A programme was on about ABBA. I had a cunning plan to break the ice. Here's what was said:

'Did you used to like ABBA when you were younger?' I asked

'Yeah' Said my Dad 'They're legends!' He said enthusiastically

'Poof!' I sighed My heart was like a shot-gun!

'You can bleedin talk!' he said and he smiled

At that point we were there for about 2 hours and to talk to my DAd about something that I still wasn't comfortable with myself was bloody hard. But it got easier and deep down I was glad that I didn't have to live a lie anymore. He told me it wasn't what he wanted for me but would support me 110%. To think about this gives me a lump in my throat.

It was official - I was out of the closet. Slowly from that point onwards I had told other people. About 60% of people that know me know of my sexuality. There are some people that I couldn't tell. Ignorance is well and truly set in and I know I could never change their opinion of gay people. My Grandad in particular would disown me. I respect the fact that I can't be honest with certain people but I find myself disrespecting them for their opinions. My view is though that once I felt homophobic and now look at me. Its about being educated. I am gay and proud to be. I will never throw it in peoples faces but hope that one day gay people can have the freedom to express themselves on the same level that hetrosexuals do. One day this will happen but I fear it will not be in my lifetime.

I am a lot more relaxed around people now although I do get very paranoid around straight men. This is because of a fear of homophobia. A lot of straight guys are unfortunately homophobic. I bow down to gay guys that can relax around straights. I am learning to do it but it is hard. I can't help feeling judged to the point where you want to scream 'YOU DON'T KNOW ME!' This sounds as though I have created Hetrophobia. Not a good thing but it is somrething I am prepared to iron out - I'll get there in the end. I never give up.

If you once had a fear of homophobia then I hope I have managed to change your view on gay people. I am a normal guy who does normal things. I don't wear womens clothing, listen to Julie Andrews or mince around like John Inman. I am an ordinary guy who happens to be gay........OK now that your eyes are bleeding, must dash as I've got a quiche in the oven!! Oooo how camp!

IF you want to talk to me about my coming out experience or if you need any help or advice then please EMAIL ME