Marriage Jokes



ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before marriage and after marriage.


MARRIAGE QUOTES


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.


Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.


A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'


Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.


How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.


A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'


Women will never be equal to men until they can walk d own the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.



A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very gru dgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!' He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'



If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?



After a few days, the Lord called Adam to him, and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the Earth, so I want you to start by kissing Eve.' Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what's a 'kiss'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam then took Eve by the hand, behind a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged, and said, 'Lord, that was enjoyable.'

And the Lord replied, 'Yes, Adam, I thought you'd enjoy that, and now I'd like you to caress Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'caress'?' So the Lord gave Adam a brief description and Adam went again behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'

And the Lord said, 'You've done well, Adam, and now I want you to make love to Eve.' And Adam said, 'Lord, what's 'making love'?' So the Lord again gave Adam directions, and Adam went to Eve, behind the bush. But this time he reappeared in two seconds... ..And Adam said, 'Lord, what's a 'headache'?'



A man came home from the Social Security Office. 'Honey,' he said to his wife, 'I finally convinced them that I'm old enough to collect Social Security.' 'How?' his wife asked. 'Since the depar tment of records in the small town you were born in was flooded, you can't get a copy of your birth certificate.' 'I know,' the man replied, 'I just unbuttoned my shirt and showed them all the gray hairs on my chest. That convinced them that I'm old enough.' His wife retorted, 'Then while you were at it, why didn't you whip out your dick and get disability, too?!'



A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a tattoo.

'What can I do for you?' asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my donger.'

'I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?'

'Well, I really like watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'



I'm Glad I'm A Man:

I'm glad I'm a man, yes I am, I am king

I don't live off of berries, bob-bons, and rings

I don't brag to my girlfriends about my infections

I won't talk to the blind man, concerning directions

I don't act wasted a parties after drinking a beer and I know what I want when I call you dear!

I won't grab your hooters, cuz I'm afraid I'll get sued

I won't act polite, just to be used

I won't take my clothes off for a man, I'm no wussie and I don't have no string hanging from my _____

I might belch in public, but I won't be called runt

I'm a man you see -- Not no sissy ____!!

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could yell

I don't shave my hair, wax, or use gel

I don't buy wonder bras, or girdles or such and I don't beg for money to enlarge my bust

I don't pull the hair that grows from my navel

I don't dim the lights, or say I'm not able

I'm a man you see -- I'm much too stable!

And I honestly think its a privilege for you

when I play with your boob s, and tell you I care

I don't live for Tupperware no not at all

I'm not there to pick you up each time you fall

and I won't take your money and go to the mall

I won't tell you a story, I won't waste my time

I won't whine about the headache I don't got and fuck I don't care how to use the crock-pot!

Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see

I can pee standing up, sitting down, or in a tree

I don't believe every ad with the word free

I don't long for sleep-overs, or that time of the month

I didn't even fucking cry when I saw forest gump!

you must have big ovaries to call me a pig

don't you remember who bought you that wig?

I know your sorry, and think I'm a winner

quit standing there, and fetch me my dinner!

I am a man, a man till I die don't you forget it, unless you'd like to learn how to fly...


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