- Jake Johansen
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills
than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
--Conan O'Brien
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her newboyfriend
in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
--Christopher Case
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by
standing up really fast. -
Johnathan Katz
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use
language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I
think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid
of vacuum cleaners.
- Jeff Stilson
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
-Elayne Boosler
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not? If I
don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
--Larry Miller
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they
go flying by.
-Douglas Adams
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York
said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold
enough. Let's go west.'
--Richard Jeni
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in
the head to stop your headache.
- Jack Mayberry
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.
- Rita Rudner
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help
section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
--Dennis Miller
I've been doing the Fonda workout: The Peter Fonda workout. That's where
I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my sister's house and
ask her for money.
--Kevin Meaney
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me!
- Bobcat Goldthwait
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
- Dick Cavett
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a
single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
burn slower?
- Warren Hutcherson
Just when you think that you have been gypped, the Bearded Lady comes and
does a double back-flip.
- John Hiatt
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how
to swim.'
--Paula Poundstone
Now they show you how detergents take out blood stains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it,
maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body
before you do the wash.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it
like one. If your boyfriend or girl friend wants to leave you, they should give
you two weeks notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you,
they should have to find you a temp.
- Bob Ettinger
Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.
--Dennis Miller
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
- Paul Rodriguez
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army
knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle
openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's
got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'
--Jerry Seinfeld
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is
suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If
they are okay, then it's you.
- Rita Mae Brown
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
--Marilyn Pittman
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the
Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
- Robin Williams
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to
accept God's final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner ..
- Lynda Montgomery
Writing is nature's way of letting you know how sloppy your thinking is.
- Bob Mugele
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
- Jon Stewart
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
--Drew Carey
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait."
--A. Whitney Brown
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?"
--Lily Tomlin