A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor instructed her to get dressed again.
Afterwards, the doctor sat her down and informed her that the main cause of her problem was just that she was drinking far too much liquid before going to bed.
"So what did the exercise in front of the mirror tell you?"
"Well," said the doctor, "my wife is right, a beard would
suit me."
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the
bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells
the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop
at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his
friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.
When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of
cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"
The father replies, "I don't want them fucking your mother
after I'm gone!"
Nancy goes to the gynecologist and he examines her.
He says, "You have acute vaginitis."
She says, "Thank you."
Mr Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman
says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great."
Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I
feel great."
When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he
is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look
terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch
with his friend and they have just the same conversation.
His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is
what Mr. Smith does.
The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel
great but I look terrible." Dr says, "I don't know that
ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes
out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as
he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels
gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"
The usual scene. A Doctor says to a patient, "Well, I've got
good news and bad news."
The patient asks for the bad news and the doctor tells him
that he has just three weeks to
live. "Three weeks! That's terrible. I'll be dead in
three weeks! What's the good news."
Doctor says, "See my huge breasted receptionist? Well, I'm
fucking her!"
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to
deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no
electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except
for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern
high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the
baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a
little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the
feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled
up there in the first place!!"
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she
and her husband never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave
her a bottle of pills and told her to put them in his drink
and she would be 'satisfied.'
The woman, somewhat disbelievingly, put one pill in his
coffee that evening. That night they made out.
The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night
they really got it on.
The next day, she said, "What the hell," and put the entire
bottle in.
A few days later, the doctor called to check on her
progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the
doctor asked how she was doing, the son replied, "Mom's
dead; Sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts, and Dad is out
naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met
the man of my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she
announces to the surgeon, "But I need you to help me with a
small problem. This man is only 18 years old, I am truly
head over heels in love with him, and don't want to
disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina
look like that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved
with this operation, but does finally agree to performing
the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no
one knows about this operation, that no magazines or
tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation
goes text book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room.
Upon regaining consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge
floral arrangements at the foot of her bed. As the surgeon
enters the room to check on her, Liz bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul
would hear of this operation!!! "
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement
is from me. I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon
for the past 10 years, I just wanted to make you feel good.
The second arrangement is from the anesthesiologist, he's
gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought it was
okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your
operation."
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her
finger ,"And who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the
burns unit, he wanted to thank you for his new ears".
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the
distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a
contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out
the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with
a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." Medical Jokes - Midnight Call
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle
of the night.
"Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the
distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a
contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out
the door, the phone rang again.
"You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with
a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the
nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she
washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair.
Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the
woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again.
This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more,
they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we
should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had
seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by
touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of
reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that
the husband may like to try something a little more
adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little
oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the
room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and
buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran
in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up
his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her.
She was a little worried about some of the side effects she
was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have
really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too
much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never
grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a
perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has
this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing
their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the
easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything
inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest
to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in
alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open
them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're
heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass
are interchangeable."