In the News

Well folks, it's springtime, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love, while his remote turns to the NCAA tournament.

After President Clinton injured his knee, his press secretary was asked if he had been given painkillers. The answer, 'Yes, but he didn't swallow them.'

Al Gore is taking heat for his role in campaign fundraising. In true vice presidential form, he issued a statement saying, 'This is becoming a real hot potatoe.'

The IRS wants to improve its image. They will no longer answer the phone with 'Next victim', and their new mascot 'Timmy the Tax Collector' will replace the Grim Reaper. (Daily Scoop)

Liggett Group Inc. is going to settle several lawsuits by admitting that smoking is addictive. In an equally shocking revelation, Frito Lay will announce that eating Cheetos can result in an orange tongue and fingers.

More evidence is developing against Timothy McVeigh in the Oklahoma bombing. In addition to the alleged confession, photos were found of him wearing Bruno Maglis.

Flood damage in the Midwest was high and residents in Arkansas are still cleaning up after devastating tornadoes. We here in California can only wonder with amazement why people would want to love in such disaster prone areas.

Several aftershocks from the '92 Landers earthquake shook up Southern California desert areas recently. This is what people here like to call earthquake weather, which is not to be confused with fire weather, urban riot weather or drive by shooting weather. (Daily Scoop)

A third grade boy was arrested, strip searched and charged with a felony for writing his name in wet cement in Las Vegas. Things have really changed in Las Vegas - in the old days it was okay to put whole guys in cement.

In new guidelines for schools, the US Department of Education says that when a six year old kisses a classmate on the cheek, it is not sexual harassment. The kissee, however, is free to call the kisser a 'doo doo head'. (Daily Scoop)

New FAA figures show that a record 573 million passengers flew on US airlines during 1996. During those flights 273 arrived in the same city as their luggage.

United Airlines has announced plans to increase the size portions in its in-flights meals. Apparently the food they serve now is not quite cold enough in the middle.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments about a new law restricting indecent materials on the Internet. Justice Clarence Thomas has volunteered to do the research.

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why - you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet! (Leno)

A church in Bushnell Fla. received a Publishers Sweepstakes notice announcing that God of Bushnell was a finalist for the $11 million prize. There is one small catch - God will have to admit that he made a mistake with the hairless cat.

Return of the Jedi is doing so well, they're thinking of re-releasing Star Wars, which hasn't been re-released since January.

Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England. Now, just like his mother and father, he must obey the nine commandments.

Darryl Strawberry turned 35, which is about 53 in drug years.

Ian Wilmut, the Scottish scientist who cloned the sheep, was in Washington to appear before Congress... at least they think it was him. His wife said, 'No, he was with me the whole time...' (Leno)

Pope John Paul II criticized genetic engineering, but some of it can be very beneficial. One scientist crossed a chicken with a silkworm and came up with a hen that lays eggs with pantyhose inside.

Kellogg has introduced its new Cocoa Frosted Flakes. The new cereal contains sugar frosted flakes with the added kick of chocolate. Printed on each box are instructions on how to coax your child down from the ceiling.

A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest percentage of obese people. What do they expect? Butter is the Louisiana state vegetable. (Daily Scoop)

And finally, a new survey found that 61% of adults know people who go to work under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The other 39% used the survey as rolling paper.

The Clinton Administration is still being criticized over China buying US congressmen. We should make a law - if a foreign country buys congressmen, they have to take them back with them. (Leno)

And keep them.

As part of the Olympic bombing investigation, the FBI has assembled over 4,600 photographs taken at Centennial Park. Amazingly, all of them show OJ Simpson wearing Bruno Magli shoes. (O'Brien)

The US Postal Service has introduced the first triangular stamps. They look nice, but... well... I'm just worried about those postal workers who... how can I say this, don't react to change very well. (Daily Scoop) In an unfortunate side effect, letters with the stamp addressed to the Bermuda triangle mysteriously disappear.

The New England Journal of Medicine said that President Clinton's opposition to the medical use of marijuana is misguided, heavy handed and inhumane, not to mention it's a major buzzkill. (O'Brien)

The House of Representatives held a hearing on cloning this week. You have to picture this - 400 white guys in blue suits and red ties announced that they want to ban cloning.

New York has introduced a bill to ban cloning of humans. 49 other states introduced bills to ban cloning of New Yorkers. (Daily Scoop)

Scientists in Oregon say they have cloned a monkey. This technique has just been perfected. They tried cloning monkeys in the '60s but only ended up with bad clones of the Beatles.

Recent tests found that 54% of California's fourth graders scored below average in basic skills. 'That's almost half!' said a stunned fourth grade teacher.

The Supreme Court has upheld California's ban on unattended news racks containing sex oriented publications. In a wide ranging decision, the justices have vowed to get pornography off the streets and back on the Internet where it belongs.

NASA has developed a new strategy to counter critics who say that the agency spends too much and doesn't provide sufficient direct benefit to the average taxpayer: they're publishing a series of instructional books based on their unique R & D experience! The first title will be 'Repairing and Upgrading Orbital Radiotelescopes for Dummies.' (rec.humor.funny)

The Pentagon has revised its position on Gulf War Illness - it doesn't exist, but it may be contagious.

The Mall of America, in Bloomington Minn., is now offering college classes. The best part is, if you flunk out, you can just walk across to the food court and start your job immediately. (Leno)

Computer users are excited about the new super fast modems. They will allow you to download more easily, set up Web pages quickly, and reach the America Online busy signal much faster.

Doctor Henry Breault, credited with inventing child proof bottle caps, died last week. Dozens of friends and relatives attended what was supposed to be an open casket funeral. (rec.humor.funny)

A Harvard study found that kids who feel loved grow into healthier adults. On the plus side for the unloved group, they tended to land high paying jobs as IRS auditors.

Police in New Jersey pulled over what they thought was a drunk driver and it turned out to be a couple engaging in oral sex. The officers issued a stern warning and a high five.

And finally, the fight for market share is escalating in the cereal business. Kellogg offered its new Cocoa Frosted Flakes with sugar and the added kick of chocolate. To stay competitive, General Mills is about to introduce Captain Crack. Just to give you an idea how potent these cereals are, Tony the Tiger went out of control and had to be shot.