CHAPTER10COC

CHAPTER 10

Riddick had attuned his internal clock with Zar’s breathing. As soon as it changed from the deep breaths of sleep to the light exhalations of consciousness he awakened. This was their day off from the docks and they had not programmed the alarm. The room was bathed in a simulated light reminiscent of late morning on Earth.
He knew the exact moment she remembered the previous nights events. Never the most alert person in the morning, she had groggily snuggled closer in his embrace as she had for hundreds of past mornings. Then the memories came rushing back and she’d stiffened under their assault.
She pushed away from him, preparing to leave the bed. But he caught her hand gently against his chest. He didn’t know why he did it. Instinct he guessed. Logically he knew he needed to give her some time to get a grip on the total collapse of her world. But as he felt her sleepy warmth dissipating a part of him wanted to delay the inevitable ugliness he knew was coming.
But it didn’t.
Instead she kept her eyes trained on his chest and whispered a hoarse “Please...don’t.”
Ignoring her quiet plea he rolled over to trap her under his body. Hoping the feel of his body, that she had worshipped with hers so many times, would ease some of the injury his betrayal had caused. Bring back good memories and exhilarating sensations. Or at the very least get her fighting with him, bring her out of her pain enfolded shell.
She didn’t struggle. She just lay under him. Refusing to meet his searching eyes. Turning her head when he lowered his head to kiss her lips.
An enraged, resentful Zar he would’ve known how to handle. He’d done so a small number of times. But this sad, drained woman lying under him left him with few ideas on how to proceed. So he let her go.
Watching as she first sat on the edge of the bed then slowly rose to stand next to it. Trying with seeming little success to gain her bearings.
When she spoke her voice was devoid of any emotion except weariness. If he hadn’t known better he would’ve thought she hadn’t slept in days. Even the effort to face him seemed more than she could manage.
“You don’t have to leave for Jack’s sake. It’s up to you though.”
Considering that he expected her to kick him out, he figured he would’ve felt more than the small amount of relief that washed through him. But he knew things weren’t okay. She was letting him stay. But she wasn’t talking to him like a betrayed lover. She was acting like he was a lodger. A stranger.
“She didn’t mean anything to me Zar. It was just sex.”
The glance she threw him over her shoulder was bleak.
Snorting softly she let him know that he’d said the wrong thing. “Is that supposed to make it better? Knowing that you threw away everything we had for a quick fuck? At least if you had cared for her it would’ve been something I could understand. But to ruin so much for so little return? No Riddick, I would’ve rather she meant something to you. But it doesn’t matter now, does it?”
He wanted to fight against her antipathy. But he was on unfamiliar ground. When he’d hurt Jack...Audrey...he’d been able to avoid making amends due to her amnesia. He had been given the chance to start all over again with her. He didn’t have that option with Zar.
Riddick had never made amends with anyone before. He had always lived his life the way he wanted. If that meant causing people pain, both physical and and/or emotional, then so be it. Hell, it wasn’t as if the people in the past had ever been concerned with his feelings. And once he had been introduced to the penal system it had become even worse. He was treated like an animal with no worth and in turn he had treated others the same way.
Carolyn Fry had changed all that. She made him care about the consequences of his actions. He wasn’t sure he knew how to fix the aftermath of his misdeeds with Zar. The situation obviously called for more than just a few passionate “I’m sorry’s” and kisses. But what?
All he could do is give her space and hope she gave him some clues on how to proceed.
He rubbed his hands over his face then watched as Zar shuffled towards the door. She moved like an old woman. Or a woman who was afraid the floor might give way.
Once again the stupidity of his actions with Miri doused his mind. He had really fucked it up this time. His belief in his special talent for turning everything good in his life to shit reinforced a hundred fold. The best things in life weren’t for him.
Zar felt his eyes on her back as she left the bedroom.
When the door closed she leaned against the wall next to it. Gathering herself to begin a new day. A day she had no desire to be a part of. She just wanted to crawl in some hole and cover it over with dirt.
She wasn’t suicidal. She knew she’d survive this. The pain would eventually fade and she’d learn to cope.
But before that happened she was in for the ass kicking of a lifetime.
How much could one person stand?
She knew no one was guaranteed any certain amount of happiness. That you took the good with the bad.
And when she thought about it, she realized she had left herself open for the chaos that was Richard B. Riddick. She might not have been able to stop herself from falling in love with him, but she could’ve stopped herself from getting involved. Her eyes had been completely opened after the first time they had made love.
He’d been honest about his life and who he really was. Hadn’t candy coated shit.
She could’ve let it be a one night stand then let the two of them go back to being acquaintances, or friends, or whatever. He would’ve let her too. She always knew that he felt he was too dangerous to be in her life. Riddick had his own sense of fairness. Probably one of the reasons why he didn’t get involved with too many non-criminal people on any but the most basic levels. He didn’t want to drag them down into the shit hole of a life that had been his before coming to the Station.
So what now?
Pretending it had never happened wasn’t realistic.
She still loved him when all was said and done. So ending the relationship was out of the question.
But moving beyond it seemed impossible also when all she could see was Miri gyrating wildly on Riddick’s naked body. And though he had said it was “just sex”, it had obviously been good sex from the expression on his face on the disk.
Would it happen again? With Miri? With someone else?
How could she forgive him and still keep her self-respect?
How could she ever let him touch her again?
She wanted to hurt him like he had hurt her. That was understandable. But even stronger was the desire for it all to go away. Even better, for it never to have happened.
God! All this thinking and agonizing was giving her a headache!
She’d just have to do what she always did when the pain got too bad. Put it in a little box and bury it down deep in her heart. Hope never to see it ever again. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. Only time would tell. In the meantime, just go on with life one day at a time.
“Zar! What’s wrong?!”
She’d been so wrapped up in her misery that she hadn’t heard Audrey come from her room. The teen-ager held Hill who was contentedly sucking on his thumb.
“Why are you crying? Is it Richard?! Did he ever come home last night?”
Reaching up, Zar was surprised to feel the wetness on her cheeks. She hadn’t realized she’d been crying.
Brushing away her tears she made the immediate decision not to involve Audrey with the whole Miri thing. It would just be one more thing for the kid to handle after Burt Leffner, and Toni and everything else. The girl had few illusions left. Trashing Richard would only ruin one more. She loved the man with all her heart and soul. He was her world. No matter how much he might deserve it, Audrey didn’t.
“It’s nothing sweetie. Just had something in my eyes. And yeah, Richard’s home. He came in around three.” She smiled bravely up at Audrey and searched her face for proof that she believed the lie.
The almost sixteen years old, Audrey was taller than her and turning into a real beauty. Shaved head and all. Big blue eyes, clear creamy skin with a long, lithe body. She had blossomed so much since coming to live with Zar. And she was a good person to boot. Zar was proud to think of her as a “daughter.”
She hated was she had to do next. But at the same time, she didn’t think Audrey still had too much hope left for Toni.
“Audrey, I’m sorry, but he didn’t say anything about finding Toni. I think we have to accept the fact that she’s probably dead.”
Audrey swallowed past the ball that immediately developed in her throat. Zar was only telling her what she already knew, but to actually hear it hit hard.
“Here, let me take Hill. You sit down.”
The baby came quietly to Zar’s arms. Equally happy to be with either woman. For all the tyke had been through he was an amazingly cheerful baby. He loved being held and cuddled. But he was absolutely blissful whenever Richard interacted with him. Gurgling and blowing bubbles at the big man whenever he held him.
Another reason not to end the relationship. Both children would be hard pressed to lose him.
“I’m sorry Audrey. Toni didn’t deserve what Leffner dished out. We all tried to help. But he’d done too much damage to her. She just couldn’t find her way out of the black hole he’d shoved her down it to. All we can hope it that she’s at peace. And that some day Leffner will get his just rewards. At least Hill’s safe.”
“Yeah. I guess I always knew she’d end up dead. She just never seemed to have the strength to fight back. Or run. Or hide. It’s like she knew she’d end up dead anyways.
How come some people do and some don’t Zar? Like you and me. I ran as far away from...well, some really bad shit, and you did to. We did what we had to do to survive.”
“I dunno. I really don’t. Sometimes even when you don’t want to survive, something inside makes you. Sometimes it doesn’t. I just don’t know.”
A memory of Audrey lying close to death in a med-lab bed came to Zar. The girl had given up when Richard had abandoned and attacked her. Unable to tap into that “something” that had helped her survive other bad times. If it hadn’t been for Richard coming around and refusing to give up on her, Audrey would be dead.
In her own case, she didn’t know why she had survived. After the death of Beth, she had truly wanted to die. But something had stopped her. God? Destiny? Stubbornness? Who knew?
“Sometimes it’s other people who make the difference. But it’s always a gamble. I guess you could call it fate, or God or whatever.”
“Yeah, I guess.” A flash of fear swept across her face. “You don’t think Leffner will come back for Hill do you?!”
“I don’t think so. If he had really wanted to kill him, he could’ve done it when he took Toni. My guess is that he used that threat to control and terrorize her. And besides, Richard can’t find any trace of him either. He probably killed Toni and then high tailed it off the station. Or took her with him. Either way, he’s not an issue anymore.”
Zar was pretty confident that she was right. Too much time had passed for a man as impatient as Leffner not to have returned for more attacks if that had been his plan.
She felt a true sadness at the thought of losing Toni. The girl had seemed doomed from the beginning. She wondered if she could’ve done more for her. But her inner voice answered her with a “no.” Toni had seemed predestined to follow her path. Maybe if she had had the strength break out of the cycle of violence it would’ve been different. But once caught in the whirlpool of brutality, she became like so much flotsam. Thrown willy nilly at the whim of it’s current.
Not even the strong hand of Riddick had been able to pull her from the raging river of injustice.
The sound of the door buzzer brought both women out of their reveries.
Audrey gave Zar an apprehensive look. Still worried about Leffner even after Zar’s reassurance. The memory of Richard’s warning to let him get the door at all times ringing through her mind.
“It’s okay Aud. I told you Leffner’s probably long gone by now.”
“I know. But Richard said to let him get the door.”
“That was before. It’s okay now. Besides, he’s...sleeping still. I’ll get it. You go get Hill’s breakfast. I think he needs changed too. Kinda ripe.”
“Hee hee, yeah. Ripe is right. Come on little fellow. Let’s get you changed while Zar gets the door.”
As a precaution Zar waited till the twosome had gone back into the bedroom before buzzing the intercom.
“Who is it?”
“Miri Lopresso. I need to see Richard.”