CHAPTER12COC

CHAPTER 12

Audrey watched as Zar stared out into space.
She’d been doing that a lot for the last few days. But every time Audrey asked her if there was something wrong, Zar would just give a half-hearted smile and say “It’s nothing.”
But Audrey knew it was definitely “something.”
It had been “something” ever since that day Audrey had walked back into the dining area to see all Hell breaking loose. She’d come just in time to see Richard haul an unknown dark haired woman from the floor and throw her out of the apartment. While Zar held her left hand in a protective embrace with tears streaming down her face. Begging him to leave the woman alone.
But Richard had ignored Zar. The gleam of rage making his eyes shine that much brighter.
Only when the door had closed on the wobbly form, had he turned on Zar. The look on his face had made Audrey take an involuntary step back. Self-preservation overriding the need to protect Zar.
But all he’d done was to gently take her hand into his. It was obvious that Zar hadn’t wanted him touching her. When she tried to pull it away he seemed reluctant to let it go. His jaw tightening in frustration as he glared at Zar’s bent head. His face a fascinating mix of concern, regret and leftover fury.
“You need to get that taken care of. If you won’t let me take you to the med-lab, at least let Audrey.”
Zar hadn’t raised her eyes to his. Just nodded her head and glanced towards Audrey.
When she spoke it was with great effort. “Is the baby sleeping?”
Audrey had simply nodded. Dazed at the obvious change in the relationship between Richard and Zar. Richard, who always seemed to be in the grip of an iron self-control, appeared to be on the verge of losing it. While Zar seemed to actually be leery of the big man. Something Audrey had NEVER seen before. A very bad feeling was building in her gut. It felt uncomfortably familiar. She’d known what the feeling meant. Her life was about to take a drastic change for the worse.
“Can you get him up for me Audrey? Get him ready to go with us.” Zar said.
Richard impatiently replied. “Don’t worry about him. I’ll watch him.”
The thought seemed to send he into a panic. “NO! I mean...it’s better if we take him with us.”
“I’m not going to hurt him Zar.” Richard angrily rasped. “You know me better than that.”
Still Zar wouldn’t look at Richard in the face.
She swallowed deeply before replying. “I thought I did. But after what just happened, I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
Richard took an aggravated step towards her. Instantly stopping when Zar’s body tensed in fear.
Quietly he said, “Well...I guess it’s finally sunk in. I’ve been telling you for how long to watch out for me. ‘Guess you finally believe me. Too bad. You almost had me believing you when you said I wasn’t that person anymore.”
Zar rolled her lips between her teeth and shut her eyes tightly. When she finally relaxed she spoke through a tear-clogged throat. “Richard...There’s never been an innocent involved. I’ve only seen you act in violence whenever one of us has been in danger. There was no danger with Miri. Well, not the kind that warranted you killing her and...the fetus. I just can’t get the picture out of my head. I’m sorry.”
He took a step back. His face becoming eerily blank. The silence in the room became like a malevolent presence. Swirling around the three people trapped within it’s sickly-sweet web.
He spoke with the quiet force of a decision being irrevocably made. “Get him Audrey. Do whatever Zar wants.”
Grateful to be released from the tension filled tableau, she’d fled to her room to gather up Hill.
Emerging short minutes later with the sleepy, but blessedly quiet, infant in her arms. Zar and Richard had not moved. He was still staring vacantly at Zar’s profile and she was still refusing to meet his gaze.
The trio made there way towards the apartment door.
Zar hesitated at the threshold. Wanting to say something to the stranger that was Richard, but unsure of how to proceed. “I...we’ll talk when I get back.”
Before she was forced to hear his response, she rushed out the door. Leaving Audrey to catch up with Hill.
But first the teen-ager had made sure of something. The panicked little voice in her head had demanded it. “You’re not going anywhere are you? You’ll be here when we get back. Right?” She’d hated the pathetic thread of terror in her voice. But something down deep was telling her that it would be very bad if Richard left. Bad for Zar, bad for Hill and very bad for her. She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew. It was coming from the black pit of nothingness that held her lost memories. The wake of his leaving would rip the heart right out of her. It would blow her world apart. How could she ever go on without him? Without his strength?
The thoughts felt like they had always been there. Sitting like a gargoyle on her shoulder, whispering their poison in her ear.
“It’ll be okay kid.”
Grabbing on to his reassurance with both hands she bolted through the door to catch up with Zar.
Never realizing until hours later that he hadn’t actually promised not to leave. Or that he hadn’t shown one ounce of emotion as he spoke.
By the time the three of them had returned Richard was gone. So was the majority of his clothes and personal items.
A fear gripped Audrey deep in her vitals. Deja vu swirling around her brain making her confused and numb. Then the anger hit. And she had to admit that it had felt better than the fear. The anger made her realize that she would survive this time. No matter what, she would survive.
What had happened between he and Zar? The day before everything was fine. The next morning Zar was crying, Richard was manhandling some strange woman and the world had turned upside down.
How could he do this AGAIN?
Again?
Why did it feel like this had happened before? That this wasn’t the first time he had left her to fend for herself? Betrayed her? Flashes of a rainy night, filled with screams and blood, kept popping into her mind. The sense of having seen her own blood flow into the ground shimmering across her nerves. She couldn’t even tell if they were two separate memories or one.
Soon it became too much to even think on. Confusion, grief, anger, fear. A giant mess of emotions that battered her already Leffner abused soul. She might come out this mess intact, but it would be with a few more scars.
Worry about Zar wasn’t helping matters.
She was strangely quiet. Reflecting on her own private Hell evidently. Oh, she did the everyday things that needed done. She went to work, cooked, took care of Hill whenever Audrey couldn’t. But the air of sadness and preoccupation never left her.
Zar felt Audrey’s eyes on her, but couldn’t bring herself to put on the “everything’s okay” act that she’d been using the last few days. Each day the loss of Riddick was eating more of her soul away.
She couldn’t shake the feeling that she had made a very big mistake. That she should have trusted him. Supported him against Miri’s transparent machinations. Never letting her come between the two of them.
His screwing Miri had not changed Zar’s love for him, so why had his violent treatment of the bitch affected her so much?
Even though he had constantly reminded her about his past, she’d never seen any sign that he was psychotic. Ruthless when he and his were threatened, but never deranged. Hadn’t he proved time and time again that he would never raise a hand to those he loved? He had even tried to get Brenner to walk away in the first minutes of the confrontation in the alley. Doing this even though he had set out to kill Brenner and was only doing it for Zar’s sake. Only killing him after Brenner had tried to kill both Zar and Richard.
Then again, there was the problem of his Profearaben contaminated blood.
And what about his attack on Audrey? The one that had led to her attempted suicide. But he’d done that in what he thought was Audrey’s best interest. Thinking that the giving of a little pain then would save her from an even more agonizing future if he was to stay in her life. Admitting his error when he saw the issue of his actions result in Audrey lying near death in a med-lab bed.
He had even let Leffner live when he confronted him. And if ever there was a man deserving of death, Burt Leffner was that man. Even Zar had longed for his death.
Seeing him try to kill a pregnant Miri had thrown Zar for a loop. Made all those times he said he was not good for her rise up from the place she had buried them deep in her mind. Sure that she would never have to heed his warning. But hadn’t he always shown that he would do anything to protect those he considered his own? Miri was threatening everything he had worked so hard for.
A life with a woman who loved him no matter what his past, a blue-collar (albeit grunt) job, a family. As normal a life as he had ever hoped to live. Everything that Zar was sure had seemed totally unattainable when he’d been sitting in the dark bowels of Slam City. Mutilating his body, using his skills at survival in the fighting arena, waiting for a painful death.
Now some conniving witch comes along, takes a liking to fucking with his precious new life, and Zar expects him to just lie down like a good boy and take it?!
The enormity of her naivete took her breath away. She’d broken her promise to stand by him no matter what. Losing sight of the man behind the actions. He’d fucked up royally with Miri, and that had hurt like crazy. But he didn’t deserve losing everything for one mistake.
Now that she was calmer, she knew he hadn’t screwed Miri to hurt her. Why exactly he’d done it was still a mystery to her. Though the realist in her said ‘Take a good look at Miri.’ And when right down to the truth, they weren’t married. Their union one of choice rather than legality.
There was no excuse for his treachery, but at the same time she recognized the effort it had taken him to remain faithful this long. He was not a man used to a monogamous relationship. Hell, the only long-term one-on-one relationships he’d ever had had been with officers, prison guards and merc’s. Not exactly conducive to strong romantic and familial connections.
Looking back on their association together, she was amazed at the gentleness and effort he had put into it. Made mistakes definitely. As she had. But the same mistakes any man or woman could make. He was no more a heartless killer than she was. Just one able to do what needed to be done to stay alive and protect what he held dear. If she was truthful with herself, it was a trait she appreciated.
If Lloyd had had even a little of Richards strength, he, Tollis and Beth might not be dead. It was his gift and his curse that he was so good at it that he ended up making people both fear him and be fascinated by him.
He must have truly cared for her. Loved her even. And now he was gone.
Richard had been right, she had let Miri win.
If she thought it would have done any good she would go look for him. But she kept remembering the look in his eyes as she told him that she believed him capable of killing an innocent. The last time he’d left it had taken a dying Audrey to bring him back. Zar doubted even that would do the trick at this point.
This time he believed that Zar wanted him gone. She knew enough about his emotional survival tactics to figure out what his next course of action would be.
Cut all ties.
Move on. He was probably off Polaris Station by now.
The thought should have made her cry. But all she could muster was a numb sort of acceptance of the empty years that stretched out before her.
Audrey would soon be on her own. Having grown both physically and emotionally. She, rather than Zar, was the one who took care of Hill more often than not. If fact, she was a good substitute mother to the baby.
Zar could see the difference in her reactions from the last time Richard had left. She was scared and angry like last time. But this time the anger was winning out. As it should. It meant she would survive.
She saw a life of lonely days and nights, much like her life was before Richard and Audrey. And the feeling of being meant to be alone, that she had since childhood, came back deep in her soul. It seemed that each time she tried to force a different fate for herself – Lloyd, Beth, Richard- she was destined to lose them in horrible ways.
The tears were on the verge of starting again.
She was so fucking tired of crying.
Unable to stay still with her thoughts any longer, she jumped up and started to clear the dish covered table. She’d overeaten, as usual when stressed out. While Audrey had hardly touched her food.
Soon everything was done and it was still only mid-morning.
She came to a decision. If life was going to be a bitch no matter what, she might as well get on with it. Maybe it would end that much sooner.
“Aud, I’m going in to work late. You going to be okay with Hill?”
Audrey looked at Zar with the surprise evident in her eyes. “Yeah, but...are you sure? Maybe Richard will be come back. You want to be here for that.”
Zar was amazed at the inexhaustible hope that seemed to be so much a part of the woman-child. Most of the time it would make her smile, at that moment it made it her feel old and irritated.
“Audrey, he’s not coming back. We need to deal with it. Please, just DEAL with it. Okay?”
Zar felt like a bitch when Audrey’s face fell. But she felt pride in the girl when seconds later Audrey straightened her spine and wiped her tear-filled eyes. There’d be no suicide attempt this time. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. Life can’t stay on hold forever. We’ll make it.”
Moved beyond words at the teen-agers bravery, Zar hugged her fiercely. She shown a lot a guts in standing up for Toni against Leffner and now she was showing the true heart of a survivor with Riddick’s leaving. Amazing what time could do both for the better and for the worse.
“You’re a great kid Aud. Well, not a kid much longer I guess. Almost a woman. I’m so blessed to have you in my life.”
Audrey wrapped gangly arms around Zar’s waist. Taking comfort in the plusher woman’s embrace. “Me too Zar. Go to work. Me and Hill will be fine. Maybe tomorrow we’ll see about that daycare they have one floor down. It looked nice from what I’ve seen before. I should go back to school... I guess.”
Zar laughed lightly at the grimace that accompanied the Audrey’s last sentence.
Grabbing her work overalls that hung on a hook next to the door, she threw a glance back at the Audrey.
“Thanks sweetie. For making this a little easier.”
“You’re welcome. At least we have each other.”
Zar gave small smile and wave and slipped out the door.