CHAPTER5COC

CHAPTER 5

Leaning against the door jam, she watched as the baby slept contentedly upon his perch. Totally oblivious to the fact that his bed was the chest of a psychopathic killer. Sleeping on his back Richard Riddick kept the baby secured on his chest with one hand placed lightly over his tiny back. Absently she noted that the little over a month old baby was just slightly bigger than Richard’s hand. The incongruity of their positions, the feelings of trust and peace that flowed between man and child, made tears come to her eyes.
Lying on his stomach while sucking on a fist, Hill Platz was blissfully unaware of the undulations caused by Richard’s breathing. Zar was sure the warmth and security radiating off of the big man were the only things Hill was cognizant of feeling.
She had brought Hill into their bed in the early hours of the morning. He’d been crying when she had risen to use the bathroom. After she was done she noticed that he was still crying. And that it was intensifying.
Worried, she’d checked on him.
He was in his crib, squalling and wet, but otherwise okay. Toni had remained oblivious to Zar entering the room. Sleeping the deep sleep of the emotionally exhausted. At first angered at Toni’s neglect of her child, compassion soon overrode it when she noticed how bad the girl looked. Not in the best shape when she had ran to Audrey’s family in the first place, she hadn’t improved any in the following two weeks.
The circles under her eyes had grown darker and her hair had grown thinner. She barely ate enough to subsist on and for the baby’s sake Zar had encouraged her to put Hill on the bottle and off the breast. But even worse than her physical condition was her mental state of being.
Going to school had been out of the question while Burt Leffner was a threat so she stayed in the apartment by herself with only the baby for company. Zar had allowed Audrey to stay with them for the first few days, but Richard had put a stop to that.
Ostensibly he didn’t like Audrey missing so much school. In reality he worried about Leffner showing up and only Audrey being there between him and the Platz’.
When the rest of the apartments inhabitants were there Toni spent most her time in her room. The girl wasn’t rude or standoffish. She’d been heartbreakingly grateful to have been given the shelter and help the family gave her and Hill. Rather Zar felt Toni was mentally pulling away from the evil and pain that rode on her back like a demented gargoyle. The baby had been her only source of happiness. And in the last few days even he hadn’t been able to wring a smile or laugh out of her.
She’d even distanced herself from Audrey. At first the two girls had been inseparable. Audrey knew that Toni had suffered from nightmares and had slept on the floor next to the bed so that she wouldn’t feel so alone. But in the last few days Toni had retired way before Audrey, ignoring Audrey’s knocks and concerned inquiries. Zar could feel the girl slipping away from the living.
After changing Hill Zar had taken the still upset baby back to her bedroom. Hoping to calm him back to sleep.
Richard had not been thrilled with the idea of her bringing the baby into bed with them. He had grumped something about taking care of what was not theirs. But Zar suspected he was worried that he might roll over in his sleep and crush Hill. Not that he’d ever admit it.
He had kept a large distance between himself and the refugees. He wasn’t cruel to them. He just didn’t talk to Toni much or even once acknowledge the baby’s presence. Audrey had tried to get him to give Toni the support that he’d given Audrey in her time of need. All it had earned her were hard looks and him leaving the apartment. Soon she gave up. Disappointed, but not really surprised, by his aloofness to those in need. She knew enough about him to realize he wasn’t the most trusting or loving man in the world. The exception’s being herself and Zar.
Zar knew why he kept himself from getting too involved. He didn’t want to care about Toni and Hill. One, he saw them as threats to everyone’s safety due to Leffner’s sick obsession. Two, he was still getting used to caring about Zar and Audrey. It had taken him a very long time accept the fact that caring meant being vulnerable to hurt. Allowing himself to be that defenseless against the pain fate could inflict. History had taught him a hard lesson. The less you care about, the less you could be hurt or used.
In his mind, it was bad enough that Audrey and Zar, and the love he felt for them, could be used against him. He wasn’t about to let anymore people into his heart.
So she hadn’t become angry when he had turned his back and covered his head with a pillow as she crawled into bed with the baby. She wished she could reassure him. Tell him to let a few more of the human race into his fiercely protective and single mindedly loving embrace. The benefits were well worth the risks.
But she just didn’t have the strength right that moment to try and pound some sense into his hard head. The baby was still whimpering and she was almost in tears herself with fatigue.
So she had just laid on her side, tucking the baby against her. Enjoying, though also grieving over, the memories the tiny body evoked. Memories of her dead daughter Beth. Of holding her. Comforting her. Knowing she would never, ever experience those feelings again with a child of her own. Her ability to conceive permanently damaged by the rape and beating inflicted so many years ago.
Audrey was a daughter to her also. But it felt so damn good to hold a baby again. Inhale a baby’s special smell, the ultra softness of their skin, the complete trust they placed in whoever held them.
Finally Hill fell asleep and Zar soon followed. Though she didn’t allow herself a truly deep sleep. Her mothers instincts and habits awakened to the slightest sound or movement the baby made.
All too soon the alarm went off and the room slightly lightened. She was still dog tired, but she wouldn’t have traded the past night of being near Hill for all the sleep in the galaxy.
Rising from the bed, she had placed the baby in between two pillows in her still warm place. Caressing his face softly one last time before left the room to get ready for the day.
She came back less than forty-five minutes later to the scene that greeted her eyes. The baby sleeping contentedly on Richards large chest. It made her think of a Bible phrase she had learned in the orphanage where she had been raised. “...and the lion shall lie down with the lamb.”
She was always aware of the gentleness that lived down deep in Richard. She was also aware that he purposely kept it deep. Few saw this side of him. Even Audrey caught only rare glimpses of it. Zar on the other hand, saw it every day. It was there in the way he touched her, talked to her, looked at her.
All too soon it was time to for her to leave. She was loathe to disturb the sleeping duo, but it couldn’t be helped.
Softly padding over to Richards side, she gently touched his shoulder. Knowing from past experiences that he would awake at the slightest contact.
Smiling down into his instantly alert eyes, she pressed a finger to her lips. Letting him to know to keep his deep voice to a whisper.
“I see you have a buddy.”
“Yeah. He started fussing right after you left. Patting him on the back wasn’t doing the trick so...” He lightly shrugged his shoulders. Telling her in a gesture that he didn’t want a big thing made out of it.
“Want me to take him back to his crib?”
He seemed to be weighing his answer as he looked at the top of the baby’s head. His hand still rested on Hill’s back and he had started a soothing, if unmindful, rubbing motion. Zar didn’t allow herself to imagine what Richard would look like holding a child of their own. There were just some things that couldn’t change. Some things you just didn’t fight against. Her bareness was one of those things.
Instead she studied Richards face. It still held the scratch marks and scab-covered brand that Leffner had inflicted. She knew his hand still held the deep gouges also. But the week old wounds would’ve looked worse on any other man. Because of the Profearaben running through out Richards body he was almost healed.
Zar shuddered as she remembered the day he had come from his confrontation with Leffner. Audrey and Toni were in their respective rooms. So she was the only one to see him enter commons area. She didn’t know what was worse. Seeing the blood, some of which he assured her wasn’t his. Or the murderous gleam that still reflected out of his eyes.
She’d been sure Leffner was dead. Part of her had been fiercely glad. Toni and Hills ordeal would finally be over. Audrey would be safe. The other part of her ached for Richard though. Each time he deliberately took a life a chunk of his soul died with it. Bringing him that much closer to the Riddick of old. She didn’t know how many others he had killed. She could only hope that this was the first.
It worried her that it might not be the case when he wouldn’t let her clean his wounds. He preferred to do it himself. She figured he either wanted to distance himself from her or he couldn’t stand the thought of her “clean” hands touching a victims blood. Zar thought it was the latter. But she couldn’t tell for sure. There were still so many unanswered questions about Richard and his psyche. All she could do was trust him.
So she’d been relieved when he told her that Leffner was still alive. Short of some blood, gifted of a few broken bones, hopefully sporting a new attitude, but alive nonetheless. But he wasn’t telling her something and she let him know that she knew.
He wouldn’t tell her. Giving her either a cold smile and telling her to leave it alone. That he would handle it. She’d been enraged by his cavalier attitude. How dare he leave her in the dark! Hadn’t he learned his fucking lesson the other time he tried to do that?! Wasn’t almost losing Jack enough of a reminder for him?! She ended her diatribe with the ugliest words she could think of. “I see Riddick’s alive and well!”
The second after the words had left her mouth she wished she could snatch them back.
But his face had already gone scarily blank. Staring at her like he didn’t know her. No, staring at her like she had no value to him! For the first time ever in her life with him, she felt a small fissure of fear. She wondered if that was the face his victims saw right before he mutilated and killed them.
He took a step towards her and something in her snapped. She turned and ran for the nearest door which happened to be their bedroom. Zar hadn’t taken three steps when she felt his hand close around her arm swinging her around to face him.
The scream she had been about to let loose died in her throat when she looked into his bloody face. What she saw there made her feel like a piece of scum on the bottom of a shoe. His eyes shined with more than just their reflective sheen. They welled with unshed tears and were bleak with disappointment. Disappointment in her.
She knew she had betrayed his faith in her. The faith that he could count on no matter what. That she would always believe in him. Know that no matter what he did to others, she would always be safe with him.
She felt the pain coming off him in waves and she felt shame.
Richard saw her hang her head and the part of him that was always truthful with himself spoke inside his mind.
Aren’t you always telling her what a psychopathic piece of shit you are? Warning her you could turn back into Riddick anytime? Now for one second she actually believes you...and you feel betrayed?!
Cupping her face in his hand he brought her eyes to meet his.
“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair. I keep telling you that I could hurt you or Jack. And when you actually believe me, I get pissed. You had every right to be afraid. I know what I look like when I get like that. I count on it. It puts the fear of God in most people. Gives me an edge.
I know my word is worth dick at this moment, but I swear I’d rather cut my hand off then hurt you. At least while I’m in my right mind. If I’m not, well then all bets are off. You did the right thing in running Zar. Just picked the wrong time.”
Zar had been so relieved to see the pain and insanity leave his eyes that she had hugged him fiercely. Happy to have “her” Richard back in her arms. Grateful for the draining away of the fear. She believed and trusted in his word. Even the part about not being in his right mind. And so she didn’t try to throw away the memory of being his target. Rather she packed it away in a far corner of her mind. In case she ever needed it again. Knowing that his love for her was so great, that he would want her to use it against him if push came to shove.
The scene had left both of them hesitant around the other for the last few days. She would catch him looking at her with a question in his eyes. What he was questioning she didn’t know. He never asked anything.
She had tried to make things right with him by making love. But he had stopped her. Gently taking her hands from his body and placing them on his chest. Enfolding her in his arms and legs. Seemingly content to just hold her. As she had drifted off to sleep she felt he was trying to absorb her in some way.
Now as she watched him gaze at Hill she found herself wondering how she could have ever thought he would harm her. He obviously had bonded with the baby. Though it was probably against his will. It was always against his will. Even the love he felt for Zar and Audrey was against his will. But once someone got through that tough exterior that guarded his heart, they became a part of him forever.
She wasn’t surprised when he told her to go to work. That he would take care of the baby. But she made sure she didn’t smile or in any way show that she was both amused and touched. He really wouldn’t appreciate that.
“Okay. I’ll see you when you get home.” Bending down to kiss him she was unprepared for the ferocity of his lips meeting hers. Sealing her mouth to his with his free hand as it clutched the back of her head. His tongue invaded her mouth. Exploring, rubbing and arousing. He hadn’t kissed her like that since the episode in the commons a week ago.
It felt like coming home.
Releasing her mouth slowly he kept a gentle pressure on her head. Rubbing his unshaved cheek softly against her smooth one.
“We have some thing’s to do tonight. Be ready.”
Zar eased her head back just a bit. The better to see his eyes. Filled with joy at the desire and love she saw brimming over in them. Bonding with the baby had allowed him to open himself up to her again.
“Hmmm...tease!”
His low laughter followed her out of the room.
She met a sleepy eyed Toni in the dining area.
“Zar. You have Hill don’t you?”
“I did. He’s sleeping with Richard right now. Poor baby had a rough night.”
Zar shared a light laugh with her when she asked “Hill or Mr. Carolyn?”
In that moment Zar saw all the wasted potential that should’ve been Toni Platz. Amazed at how one person can totally fuck up the life of another.
“I meant Hill. I’m sorry you woke to find him gone. But you were out like a light and he was crying. Thought you could use a little more sleep. You need to take better care of yourself Toni. For Hill’s sake.”
Toni lowered her eyes.
“I know. It’s just so hard to care. He’d be better off without me anyway.”
Zar saw the tears leaking out from underneath Toni’s lids. A wave of concern swept through her for the girl.
Enfolding her in her arms she tried to find the words that would make the girl fight for the life she and her son so deserved.
“You can’t think that way honey! Burt wins if you do! Don’t let the bastard have the satisfaction.”
The sobs were coming hard now. Shaking the underfed body of the girl that had reached her limit.
“I don’t care if he wins! I just want the pain to go away!”
“Shhhh...I know! But there’s always a reason to go on living. ALWAYS! Come here. Sit down.”
Zar had decided to share her history with Toni. Hoping to get her to see that the future was wide open.
But Toni was far beyond any pep talks. She’d seen her step-father murder her mother, threaten her life, rape her, beat her, impregnate her and make her life a general of Hell.
“No! It’s okay! I just wanted to make sure Hill was okay. I’m going back to bed now. Tell Mr. Carolyn to bring him in whenever he’s ready.”
As she watched Toni flee back to the sanctuary that her room had become Zar was sure something was going to give soon. Toni was already broken. But Zar was afraid that when she did find any courage it would only be to take the final step. She knew the look in the eyes. Audrey had had the same look just days before she had slit her wrists.
Zar had ignored the look in Audrey’s case. Refusing to believe that brave, bad ass Jack would ever go that route. Discounting Jacks pain over Richards desertion so that she wouldn’t have to face her own.
She wouldn’t make the same mistake again.