Well folks, it's finally happened: All Style has found its Content.
    Over the past few days I've realized I've become an ecoholic. I can't have a normal, average conversation without talking about the environment in some way. As I read more about environmental problems, especially climate change, I feel that my little entries have become meaningless to me.
    I will always be a reflective person, and I will always ask weird questions, and I will always write. But I think it's time to stop using this medium, this focus, and move on to something bigger.
    Since I can't seem to shut up about the environment, I've opened an environmental blog where I can discuss, inform and generally rant to my heart's content. Don't worry, I promise to keep it controlled and interesting. ;)
    I hope some of you will take the time to read some of way I write there. It won't feel as personal as All Style, No Content, but considering that this is what I care about more than anything else right now, it's still very personal to me.
    Thank you for reading my little personal journal over these two or so years. I hope you'll continue to read my work at my environmental blog, The Environmentally Concerned Individual.

~Shayla

Thursday May 10, 2007 @ 1:45 a.m.
Sometimes being radical is just sane

    I got up to write this entry because I was too anxious to sleep. For once in my life, I am terrified, and angry, and depressed, and I feel it is completely sane for me to feel so, and for once I wished to God I was crazy instead.
    Just half an hour ago I finished the book Heat: How to stop the planet from burning by George Monbiot. Out of all the books I have ever read, none have changed my life a fraction as much as this one. I have always been aware of the effects of climate change, but never have I sat down and actually read a comprehensive, detailed explanation of the consequences. I've never really been "given it straight". It's just so much worse than I thought it was.
    I have a friend who wrote a play about a melancholy man who wanted to experience more fully, so he put a "cap" on his life: he hired a hitman to kill him when he reached a certain age, and was thus forced to live his life fully because he was aware of his mortality. I feel like I have a cap on my life, and I too am at least partially responsible for having put it there, but I don't feel much like living.
    2030 is the expected year that temperatures will have risen 2.0 centigrade, and global warming will fall out of human control. At this point, major life cycles will fall apart, and the earth will start emitting its own carbon stores. Plants that can no longer survive in the altered climate will die, releasing their carbon dioxide; soil will release the carbon its stored over the past 150 years; melted icebergs will warm the ocean. All of this will excelerate the climate change process, even if human carbon emissions drop completely.
    In about the year 2030, Bangladesh will drown from rising waters, as will numerous major cities; rising water will pollute the drinking water of many other cities, leaving the cities uninhabitable; Ethiopia will die of starvation due to droughts; coral reefs will die, as will all the ecosystems that depend on them; Europe may eventually be covered in ice and snow, once the ocean current that carries warm air up from below the equator is disrupted. If the climate change continues from this point (which it could, even if human carbon emissions stop) the worst case scenario is that we all die and only the very few species that can survive on very little oxygen will survive -this last case happened once before in Earth's history, at the end of the Permian period as a result of volcanic eruptions.     Of all the shifted of values, all the mind-blowing, ideology-shifting time of my life, I think this would have to be the biggest. Almost everything I ever cared about now seems meaningless, frivilous, pointless.
    I don't care what I have for a career, as long as it affords me enough money to live producing as few carbon emissions as possible and enough time to devote to fighting climate change. I don't care what the inside of my house looks like. I don't care if anything I wear is in season or looks good. I don't care if I ever make another layout for this site, or even if I bother updating it. I don't want to have children if they're going to be born into a world that's coming to an end. I still want to get married, if only so I can be close to the person I care most about before I die.
    You think I'm over-reacting to this, but the truth is that you're under-reacting. Go ahead, read the facts, and then tell me I'm over-reacting. I challenge anyone to read this book and tell me that I'm taking this whole climate change thing too seriously.
    There is still hope that the world can be saved. There are still solutions, which can be found in the same book. The major obstacle is convincing people and governments that these solutions are, in fact, necessary. Believe me, you're not going to like the solutions, but they're better than dying or killing Bangladesh. I vow to spend the rest of my life trying to get people and governments to see all of this.
    And, while I'm at it, I vow to change my own carbon-producing ways. For one thing, I will never get on a plane ever again. You think it's radical, but it's actually necessary. A round-trip on a plane produces the amount of pollution I should be producing in one year. There are no technologies that will make aviation environmentally better by 2030, and there is no way to keep aviation available to the general public without murdering Bangladesh and Ethiopia and possibly ourselves. This is not pleasant, but it is the truth.
    To quote Heat: "But I urge you to remember that these privations affect a tiny proportion of the world's people. The reason they seem so harsh is that this tiny proportion almost certainly includes you." (p. 187) It is not right for us to weight a luxury afforded only to the richest people on earth over the lives of some of the poorest.
    I'm really going to try to do everything in my power to stop global warming, but I'm going to need help, and I think I deserve it. This is the most destructive issue we have ever faced, and we created it and are continuing to fuel it (no pun intended). It is an environmental, human rights, health, moral and social issue.
    I am so completely terrified, and angry, and depressed that I don't know what to do with myself. I have been cheated out of the life I expected, and the next generation may not have a life at all. My most consoling thought is that I have the power to kill myself before I have to die of starvation.
    And none of you will understand or take me seriously upon reading this. Even if you all read this book, it will take at least days before any of you will know that I'm not being completely insane about the matter.
    I have never felt so alone.

~Shayla

Friday April 6, 2007 @ 8:00 p.m.
Music: Elton John - Rocket Man
Yes, I'm still alive...

    Hey guys, sorry for NEVER updating! As you might imagine, things are just a little busy here. :P But it's not all bad. Exciting things have been happening too.
    So I ask you all, what's cooler than finding out something that you've been doing since grade 7, entirely for fun, is now going to make you at least $40 an hour?
    The answer is NOTHING!! So for the first time EVER, I'm GETTING PAID TO DO HTML! :D You guys have no idea how happy this makes me. This guy who teaches at my school hired me to to the programming for this site he and some other people are putting up. I've got it basically finished now (I'm going to show it to him Monday) and I've potentially got a bunch of other jobs lined up for the summer. This is SOOO wicked! $400 for like nine hours of work! This makes Shayla very happy. :)
    And it's good, too, because lately I've been really thinking that journalism is not for me. I don't want a hyper-stressful job. I don't to move out of Toronto EVER, and that's often required to break into the field. But on the other hand, I don't want to be a media relations person for some immoral company, which is what most journalism students end up doing with their degrees.
    But I still have other options. I found this book recently called "100 jobs in the environment," and it had a section on communications jobs, and practically every other one asked for a background in journalism. Which is wonderful for me. :) I could end up as a media relations person for an environmental group, and editor of an environmental publication/newsletter, or even as a paid activist (after all, I DO have a political science degree as well, or I will). The downside is that I'll probably make like $20,000 a year at these jobs. But it's okay, because if I have something on the side like website programming I should be okay. I really hope this HTML thing pans out.
    I'm also in the process of lining up some volunteering for this summer. I never thought about volunteering as a web designer, but now that I'm actually getting my hands wet it seems like the ideal place to start. I've applied for a few positions, and when I'm actually out of school I plan to contact the Toronto Environmental Volunteers and Sierra Club.
    There's something so hopeful and exciting about this time of the year. It's when everything actually happens. :)
    I hope you're all doing well with your exams and such. I leave you all with a new question-of-the-now: Would you rather marry someone significantly smarter than you, or significantly dumber? Pick!

~Shayla

Tuesday March 6th, 2007 @ 11:30 p.m.
Music: Heart - Dog and Butterfly
The truth: Part II

    After a lot of thought, and taking a risk, I've come to a decision: honesty is the best policy. BUT, it can only happen under certain very important conditions.
    First off, you need a tactful speaker. There's more than one way to say something, and you need to say it in a way that is as sensitive as possible to the person's feelings. This possible, as long as the person is telling the truth with the intention of bringing good from the situation, and not causing harm or hurting someone's feelings.
    Secondly, and much more difficult to find, you need a listener who can put aside his or her own feelings and be open to hearing the truth. This requires patience, empathy and (in my opinion) a kindness that is almost inhuman.
    Somehow, I have managed to find both. :)

    Well, my immediate problem is still here, but at least I have some help now. Sorry to Mary (and anyone else who is annoyed by the secrecy of some of my entries), but this one is "between me and Jesus" (and now Andrew). :P I know these entries are annoying, but sometimes I'm 100% preoccupied thinking about issues that I don't want to talk to people about, and cryptic entries are the only way I know to try to express myself publicly about them, and seek some kind of guidance.

~Shayla

PS. We need a new question: Would you rather be famous now, or go down in history after you die?

Thursday March 1st, 2007 @ 11:30 p.m.
Music: Benny and the jets - Elton John
The truth is too big of a responsibility

    I've always turned to honesty as the absolute best policy in most situations. Whenever I don't know what to say in a situation, and I want to be genuine and authentic and not just acting out of politeness, I try to say the most honest thing I can think of. Even if it's something that good, polite people might not say, I find most of the time people respond best to honest answers; most people are so bored of politeness and small talk, and in any case, they're not stupid -they know what you're really thinking most of the time anyway, so you might as well own up to it.
    This is the first time, I think, that I've reached a point where talking and honesty wasn't the solution. I yearn and crave to say the most honest things I can think of, but this time it just doesn't seem like the right thing to do.
    How could it be the right thing to do if it just hurts everyone? I know it must be the wrong thing to do, because I'm absolutely dying to do it, and the urge stems out of selfishness rather than a true want for peace. But it just doesn't seem like things will get better at all if I shut up entirely. I don't trust my censoring skills, because they tend to fail me once I get going and the temptation to be overly truthful gets too strong.
    It's funny how every time I want to hurt someone, the best way to do it is also to say the most brutally honest thing to them. What a double-edged sword.
    It's an interesting thought, but it doesn't help me one bit right now.

    I've had way to many questions-of-the-now in the past little while, but I guess it's good because it means I've been thinking a lot. The new question of the now is: Is honesty always the best policy?

~Shayla

Sunday February 25th, 2007 @ 9:41 p.m.
Music: Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones
It's no que sera, sera

    I read a book lately called How to Save the World in Your Spare Time, and like all really good books it has turned my world a bit upside down.
    It is amazing to me that so many people let life pass by and don't really have things that they want to do or accomplish. Really, some people are like that, I'm friends with some. I guess I'm thankful that I'm the opposite: I want to devote myself to SO MUCH. I've always realized that I would have to carefully select what things are important enough to fit into my life. This book has made me realize that I may be able to fit in less than I thought before, in terms of variety.
    I really, really want to do things with my life that are important. I want to save places, and fight for things that actually matter. I would devote my life to that. The problem is, I never realized how much I would likely be sacrificing to that end.
    First off, I will never, ever be rich. I wasn't really planning to be in the first place, but I always imagined it was possible for me. I thought I'd be financially stable, and I guess I can be with proper planning and makes sacrifices elsewhere in my life, but after reading this book I realize that if I care about a cause enough to beg people for money to support it on a regular basis, I'm probably going to care about it so much myself that I give all that I can. Maybe more than I can.
    I will also never be rich, because if I care about something important and get heavily involved in it, nothing else will seem half as important to me. This includes work. I already knew that I would probably never devote my life to journalism (unless I can tie it in with my cause, which is a slim but feasible possibility). Basically, let's just all accept the fact that I will never, ever have an abundance of money.
    I know I sound superficial by making a deal of this, but you have to understand that, like all people, I grow up thinking things are going to be different for me when I'm on my own than they are with my family right now. I think to myself, I will be smart with money, and budget, and invest, and work my ass off, and things will be all right. And maybe they will, but I still will never have expensive things.
    But you know what, I don't really feel so bad about that, now that I think about it. I hate all this bullshit with consumerism and designer clothes and possessions just to impress. I buy most of my clothes from thrift stores, I love cheap interior design with just paint and re-designing flea market finds, and I don't even use hair products. What kind of message would I be sending out to my children by getting caught up in all that superficial bullshit anyway?
    I've gotta admit though, the media is a very persuasive tool. I watched The Devil Wears Prada last night, and even though the ultimate message of the movie was to fuck all that crap in the end, what normal girl watches it without thinking, "Oh my GOD, I love her dress!! Do you think I'd look good if I did my hair like that? I could be one of those models if I just dropped XX pounds." Sometimes I just want to shut it all out, because even if it's entertainment, it's sick. It doesn't do anybody any good to expose themselves to that.
    I want to be the girl who wears what she wants, and invents her own style, instead of letting some fashion guru tell me what I should wear. I want to wash my hair, and have that be good enough. I want to be a real, authentic person, not just some Barbie-like drone.
    So this is the summer when everything starts. After this semester ends, I sign up for two environmental volunteer programs, and maybe more.
    It's time to stop talking about life, and start living it.

    In the meantime, a new question-of-the-now: What would you devote your life to, if money was no object?

~Shayla

Sunday February 18th, 2007 @ 9:00 p.m.
Music: Steve Miller Band - The Joker
Waiting for springtime...

    Well, my cheer-the-fuck-up party has come and gone, and I had an awesome time... It really did cheer me up, but now that it's over and I have nothing immediate to look forward to, I miss Spring more than ever. :(
    The funny thing is, it's not that I particularly dislike winter -it's just that there are so many good things that I can't wait for that happen in spring. And I think that's a good way to be. :)
    For one thing, I've been saying for a long, LONG time now that I want to get more involved in environmentalism, and when school starts I'm really going to do it. I've been doing a bit of research, and if you really want to get involved, you need to try volunteer work. The thing is, that's a pretty major commitment for me, especially right now when I'm in school and I have a lot going on. But when school's done, I think I'm going to plan to spend my spring and summer doing a lot of volunteer work and free-lance writing (I know I said I'd do the free-lancing last year, but THIS year I've actually learned HOW to do it!). And, of course, I'll take as many shifts at Dr. B's as I can, so I'm not TOTALLY broke. ;)
    I also really want to try to be more active, for health purposes. I was pretty good last summer, what with joining d-boat and all, and I'm definitely up for that again... But I think I want to try to start AND STAY WITH running this year... It was amazing last summer with dragon boat -I actually got to a point where I could run for quite a bit without feeling like I was going to die. I got second winds. I want that to happen again, and I want it to be even more than last year. :)
    The third reason I'm really looking forward to summer is... well, I was going to leave it as a surprise, but I'm too excited about it to manage that, so I'll just say it... As soon as the nice weather comes around, I'm chopping my hair off. I mean SHORT. I'm not exactly sure HOW short, but my options range from a shaggy, just-above-the-ear cut to basically a boy haircut. My mother is trying to convince me not to do it, but I'm doing it anyway. She thinks it won't look good, but I think it will and I don't care what anyone says. Afterall, it's only hair, it will grow back. And in the meantime, I'll enjoy pulling off a lot of stuff that only girls with short hair can really pull off. :D
    Well, enough of my current aspirations, I've got a new question-of-the-now: If you were going into a scientific field, which one would you choose and why? This one's probably not so exciting for my friends who ARE going into science, but I think it's an interesting question anyway... It reveals a lot about people. :)
    If you couldn't guess, I'd definitely go into psychology. I find the study of the human mind absolutely fascinating, I think I have some natural aptitude for it, and I especially like it because it's one of those sciences that borders with philosophy to some extent.
    Okay, YOUR TURN!!

~Shayla

Sunday February 11th, 2007 @ 11:01 a.m.
Music: Rolling Stones - She's a Rainbow
I AM TWENTY-ONE, like Genghis Khan!

    So after a night of drunken and dramatic escapades, I wake up at 9 AM UNABLE to go back to sleep!! So I figured I would make use of this time by telling you all about my amazing birthday-eve. :)
    So my group of university friends and I have been trying to make plans to go to a bar together for some time now, and we figured we'd go for my birthday. It always sucks every year because my birthday is right smack dab in the middle of midterms, so everyone (including me, when I'm not in college) is always busy. So I have this perfect little group of people in college with me who have nothing school-related to do this weekend, so we got together. Ward friends, I will catch up with you guys next week when you're on reading week. :)
    Anyway, so we all met at my house at seven to pre-drink, because we were planning on going to the Madison Avenue Pub (no, I didn't steal the idea from Carly's birthday thing!!), and you know they don't allow people under 21 in past nine, so we wanted to get there a bit earlier because two of my friends (and technically me, at the time) are 20. We ended up getting drunk and partying at my house instead of going downtown, because people arrived late and we wouldn't make to to the Madison, and then we were going to go to another bar but that didn't end up happening. So we danced in my living room in front of my wide open windows, and played "Never have I ever" and it was good times.
    Want highlights?

• Alex teaches me how to grind... Then she challenges Abbas to grind with her and THAT was some crazy grinding!!
• Alex unded up getting sick from drinking, which sucks, but it ended up being funny because I was sitting with her in the bathroom, and she eventually just wanted to puke and get it over with. So I asked her if she wanted me to make her throw up, and she said yes. Now, this is a person who gags when I mention about scat porn and anal-oral, so you can IMAGINE what a field day I with making her throw up. I just started naming off the grossing, most graphic things I could think of... I talked, she puked, it was beautiful.
• Uriel and his fiance Ashleigh were drunk and ended up getting into some kind of a fight (not a fist-fight, like a storm-out-of-the-house-without-a-coat fight) which resulted in them getting dropped back off to my house in a cop car because Uriel was knocking on my neighbours' doors. :P That was kinda messed up, but the cop was really nice (and cute) and I was high and drunk so it was just funny to me.
• I first found out what was happening with Uriel and Ashleigh because Abbas called to tell me (he was in his car coming back from dropping off Alex at home, and when he called Uriel's cell phone a cop answered). That was fine, but then Abbas calls me like FIVE MORE TIME in a span of five minutes to freak out. He wouldn't go and pick up Ashleigh and Uriel because he'd had ONE DRINK at my house like two hours earlier and he was worried that the cop would give him a breathalizer test... He has his G license, so it would have been fine, but still he calls and calls me and I have to calm him down... It was pretty funny.
• While everyone else is lost somewhere in Malvern, Erika, Andrew and I go on a huge bitching spree about incompetent people. In other news, Erika and I have decided to take over the world.
• My mom came home around midnight and got to meet Abbas, Ashleigh (who she actually already knew because Ashleigh works at the Staples by our house) and Uriel. She was coming back from a hot tub party, and she wanted to tell us a really gross story she'd heard that night. So I IMMEDIATELY call in Abbas, because his jaw drops when I tell any kind of gross or sexual story, so I REALLY wanted to see what he'd do with my mom telling one.
      So my mom tells this story about a woman who uses a vinegar douche and then has sex with this man and his skin gets irritated and he gets a skin bubble near the head of his penis, and it pops and the skin hangs there. THE WHOLE TIME, Abbas is just staring at her with this OH MY GOD look on his face... IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE. Suffice to say, Abbas is a little more clear on what makes me tick now. ;)