Saturday July 29th, 2006 @ 1:18 AM
Confession #1:

    I have the world's biggest crush on Benji from So You Think You Can Dance and I want the world to know it.

~Shayla

Tuesday July 25th, 2006 @ 10:30 AM
In loving memory of Baby...

    Yesterday, while Katie and I were walking to the park, we found a baby bird on our neighbour's lawn next to the sidewalk. Baby's nest was easy to located, but next to impossible to reach because it was at the very top of a thin tree. The bird kept opening his mouth really wide, so we fed it some bread mixed with water. After some quick researching (Internet), we learned that sometimes if you put the bird in a man-made nest and leave it close to the original nest, the parents will find the baby and continue to raise it. So we stuck our make-shift nest and waited.
    We should have been watching to see the parents come to the baby, but for some reason we didn't. When we checked back on the bird to feed it, and weren't sure if the parents had come by or not. Either way, it was getting windy in the evening, and Katie and I decided to take Baby inside for the night. He slept on a shirt in a shoe box.
    Hearing the forecast of thunderstorms for the week, we wondered how Baby would survive if we left him outside. We decided we would contact the humane society first thing in the morning, to see if we should bring Baby to the bird sanctuary downtown or just left him alone.
    We should have called earlier. When we woke up this morning Baby was so weak he could barely move. Perhaps the bread and water wasn't enough, perhaps we should have fed him more frequently, perhaps there just wasn't much we could do. He died this morning, and we buried him outside in my mother's garden.
    I really wanted him to live, and I really thought he was going to. In hindsight, maybe we were just blindly tinkering with nature and should have taken him immediately downtown to people who know what they're doing. Or maybe we should have just left him in the nest for the parents to deal with.
    On the other hand, Baby almost certainly would have died next to the sidewalk if we hadn't found him.
    It's just sad, that's all. I feel the way I did when I learned the hard way that touching butterflies' wings too much strips the powder off and makes them unable to fly. And now here I am, crying over birds and butterflies.

~Shayla

Tuesday July 18th, 2006 @ 6:00 PM
There are no guarentees...

    It's funny how one conversation with the right (wrong?) person can turn your life upside-down. :P
    I went to consult with my environmental politics prof about my upcoming essay, and we got off topic and I was telling her about how I'm in journalism and all this stuff... Then she starts telling me how difficult it is to get into journalism, and how she has a few friends who are really greater writers but just can't seem to break into the field, and how it's important to have a strong educational background and maybe I should get my Masters degree...
    It's just... blah! For the longest time I didn't really think I even wanted to be in journalism, and now I do want to be in journalism and it seems so difficult. And I don't want to go back for my Masters -I'm already going to be a few thousand dollars in debt from OSAP and after I've graduated I think I really just want to start living my life and not spend more time going to school. And if I had been planning to get a Masters degree, I don't know that I would have even gone into political science... These days there seem to be a lot more interesting things.
    Everything just feels all complicated now. I want a good job, I want to do something I like, but I don't want to devote eight years of my life trying to get the damn job.
    The thing is that work just isn't the most important thing to me. In terms of my entire life, it's not top priority. I don't want to be a doctor or a lawyer or anything. I just want a job that I like, that gets me by, and that I can take time away from to have and raise kids -which is infinitely more important to me than becoming a professional or making a huge amount of money or getting a better degree. I just don't see the point in pushing full-speed-ahead when I'm planning on ditching whatever job I get for at least five years so I don't have to have kids just to let someone else raise them.
    It's no wonder feminism is still alive and kicking hard today -things are still fucking unfair for women. No, I can't just devote the rest of my life to fulfilling my career desires, because unlike men my body has an expiration date, which means I'm working on a deadline, which means I really can't have it all. Sometimes I really envy men because they can just focus on their work-lives and trust that whoever they marry will take care of the whole "having babies" and "taking time off to raise babies" thing. Meanwhile, we as women develop increasingly fragmented lives, never able to devote our full attention to any one thing at a time. :(
    Sometimes I wonder if all this time spent at university is going to be wasted. Realistically, I'd be a very good journalist, but it's not like I'm going to kill myself fighting for a job that I can't devote myself to. It's useful to have a background in political science, but I have no intention of pursuing it much further. It would be great to go back to school after I graduate, but I don't have the money, I don't want to spend the time, and I don't even know what I'd want to do. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not going to graduate, end up working some crappy job while the rejection letters pour in, and then spend a few months in training to become something random.
    It's just hard to trust that everything's going to work out like everyone says it will when you have no guarentee whatsoever, and reality isn't on your side.
    Sometimes I think this would be easier to go through if I had no certainty whatsoever in my life right now. If I wasn't in a really great relationship then I wouldn't be planning to get married in a few years and I'd have all the time in the world to go back to school and all the time in the world to pay off my student loans before even thinking of buying a house. Fuck.
    Do you ever daydream about the future and then wonder just who the fuck you think you're kidding? :(

~Shayla

PS. My back-up plan is working as Sonali's receptionist in her doctor's office... I CALLED DIBS ALREADY AND I HAVE MORE EXPERIENCE THAN YOU SO GET YOUR OWN BACK-UP PLAN!! ;)

Tuesday June 27th, 2006 @ 4:39 PM
Music: Final Fantasy - Song Song Song
They'll press what is left into new...

    So I haven't updated in a while... Haven't really felt much like updating. Not that stuff hasn't been happening. Sounds like time for a list...

• First off, this band Final Fantasy has a geeky name, and a ridiculous CD name (He Poos Clouds), and random lyrics, and a weird sound, but I think I love it. Song Song Song is my song addiction of the moment (although This Lamb Sells Condos is good too). :) Download at your own risk... Girly-voice guy singer, but lots of STRINGS. :D
• Going to see Superman tonight, even though it's not supposed to open until tomorrow... God bless my ghetto Malvern theatre. :)
• For Amanda's birthday we went to this Arabic thing... "Shee-shah" is how I say it, but how do I spell it?? Anyway, good times. Good conversation, good food, crappy milkshake, good time. :) I wore the heels I want to wear to the upcoming wedding to break them in... And I should wear heels more, because even though they make me an ultra-giraffe, the men (and nine-year olds) can't resist me. ;)
• Andrew started his new job on Monday... I'm happy for him, but a little irrationally nervous about it all. I mean, I think it will go well of course, but it's just... it's a change. And the hours are long, so I see him less. :P Oh well, I know it will all work out, and I'm just being silly. Any time I worry about seeing people less I have to remind myself that we all need to make ourselves happy before anyone else can make us happy.
• I WOULD be working on the new layout right now, except my silly mother left the camera up north... :P So next week I will try to steal it back, AND by a new camera card, AND take new pictures AND get to work on that layout... Unlikely to be up within the next two weeks. :(
• Canada Day weekend's coming up... We'll see how that goes. Mary, HOW WILL WE PARTY WITHOUT YOU?? :O We shall try to push on anyway, in honour of Canada. And alcohol. And bananas.

~Shayla

Sunday June 18th, 2006 @ 12:30 AM
Music: Catlow - Forest of Love and Sin
It's hard to be rational when you're emotional...

    I'm a firm believer that all of your feelings are natural and valid, but you are responsible for your choice of actions. I try to live by this, but it gets difficult when your feelings are telling you one thing and making you confused about whether or not you have a right to act.
    Mostly this seems to happen with Andrew... Stupid things piss me off, and I'm angry, but then I have to go through the whole long drawn-out process in my head of figuring out the exact extent to which I have a reasonable right to act. It's not even that it bothers me so much when I shouldn't act (well, okay, it DOES bother me a bit), but it just takes so long sometimes to try to see through my feelings and judge things objectively. I wish I could do it faster and then at least I'd know how to act, how to strive to feel. Sometimes I feel like I'm just caught in limbo, undecided, and I can't think of anything to do but try to shut him out while I attempt to evaluate things.
    But I think I'm better than I used to be, and hopefully I'll continue to get better. Let's review:

Feelings: 70% negative
Actions: 15% negative (being cold, taking it out)
Actions: 10% justified

    Considering that I couldn't thoroughly process the justifications in the moment, and I was clouded by anger, and I was at the time still preoccupied with trying to get what I wanted, I'd say I did pretty damn well at estimating.
    I know you probably all think I'm a geek for going through all of this systematic crap, but relationships would run much smoother if everyone did this!!

Update: June 18th, 11:00 PM
Feelings: 70% negative
Actions: 40% negative
Actions: 15% justified

    Uh oh, looks like I'm slipping, but then so is he to a much lesser degree. :(

~Shayla

Friday June 16th, 2006 @ 8:42 PM
Craaaazy dreams...

    Man, I haven't updated in a little while, and so much stuff has happened within that time... I went to the Science Centre with Andrew, I went to the zoo with Claudia, and I'm about to head out to Moxy's with several of you right now! :) Not to mention tomorrow's busy day: a wedding shower for Toni, and Andrew's graduation party... And then it's father's day on Sunday... What a busy week!
    Anyway, as you can probably guess from the title, I've been having some pretty crazy dreams lately, especially last night. These three dreams happened all in one night:

• Dream #1: They've decided to tear down Mary Ward and put up a new, regular high school. In the mean time, while the construction is going on, the students will attend class in several school buses. I protested and cried through this whole dream, and for some odd reason Sam and Mrs. Sullivan were there trying to console me.
• Dream #2: I'm sitting at a card table in a small apartment with Mary, Andrew and two other people I don't know. I need to have a mole on my arm removed (not in real life), and for some reason Mary is the one removing it. She freezes the area with the "gun" from X-men 3 that the doctors were going to use on Angel. Then I turn away while she cuts off the mole with another scary-looking instrument, and it hurts pretty badly. She does an AMAZING job though -no bleeding and a nice layer of new skin under it.
      Later in the dream a destructive character (I think it might have been the Joker from Batman) comes to my room and yells at me. I'm kneeling on the floor, and he's screaming at me, something like, "What do you want from me?" or "Is that what you want?" I tell him I just want him to be happy, and for a moment he is calm and moved and he touches my hair. The next moment he is even angrier than before (either because he thinks I've "tricked" him into not being angry, or because he believes he can never be happy) and he yells at leaves. He sleeps in the room next to mine, but I'm not afraid of him.
      Also, the bed in my room (also Andrew's room) is cut in half -WAY too short for Andrew and I. I unroll the matress and try to make a bed on the floor, but I go and do a stupid thing like bringing a bowl of ants into the room, and spend the rest of the dream trying to collect the ants from the bedding.
• Dream #3: I'm naked on a TTC bus, but I'm not ashamed or disturbed by it. It seems perfectly natural to me. Then I see my Uncle Mike with my little cousin John and another little boy, and I'm still not embarrassed, but my Uncle says something about how he doesn't want the little boys seeing naked women at their age. At this point I notice that the bus is half-filled with water, like a swimming pool. The water is very clear, but when I sit in it at least it provides SOME coverage. Later, little John comes and sits beside me and we talk like it's the most normal thing in the world.
      One weird thing about this dream: at one point, I use the reflection of myself in Bill and Patty's cottage window to fix the clips in my hair... I just thought that was odd.

~Shayla

Friday June 9th, 2006 @ 2:06 AM
Music: Jack Johnson - We're Going to be Friends
"You always make me talk like I'm an atom or something!"

Warning: The following conversation/scene took place a few hours ago and is undeniably stupid, dorky and kind of gross/dirty all at the same time. Read at your own risk.

Andrew: (Groping himself)
Shayla: Dude, cut it out.
Andrew: Oh yeah, you're all like, "(in a stupid voice) No Andrew, don't waste it on yourself. Save it for me..."
Shayla: Gah, don't do my voice like that! You always make me talk like I'm an atom or something!
Andrew: What??
Shayla: Yeah, like how you make particles and computer parts and crap talk to each other when you're explaining stuff to me. Like in science class, where the teacher's like, "And then the atom says to the other, 'Give me some of your electrons, so that I can be stable! Let us become ions!'"
Andrew: Yes, that's EXACTLY what we are -we're atoms. You need to take one of my electrons... (Groping me now)
Shayla: Ooo, why baby, are you unstable?
Andrew: Oh yeah... Oh wait... Dammit, this is like nerd dirty talk! And it's hot... :O
Shayla: C'mon baby, make me an ion...

    Guys, I think I have a geek fetish or something that makes me only attracted to total geeks. Maybe I should join a support group or something...? ;)

~Shayla

Tuesday May 30th, 2006 @ 6:15 PM
Disillusionment...

    I've been thinking lately about my father. Sometimes it seems like he's "given up" on life, like he thinks he's done everything and there's no point in making new dreams. Sometimes it seems like he's just partying hard while he waits to die.
    I was promising myself that I would never end up that way, when it occured to me that perhaps he was just as hopeful as I am when he was my age. Perhaps it is only the disillusionment of age, and of never having realized one's dreams, that separates us. After all, his life now is nothing like he planned it to be. Perhaps thirty years from now, I too will be beaten and disillusioned and hopeless.
    Or maybe I'll be like my mother, and my dreams will be reborn with my children. My mother seems more illusioned than I am, but then I consider that I am one of her dreams, and I may be realized after all.
    How comforting to know that if you never fulfill your goals, you can always count on the next generation. Like passing the buck.

~Shayla

PS. New layout to come soooon! I took the pictures, and they're BEAUTIFUL, but my stupid camera will not load them to my computer, so this may take far longer than planned. :(

Sunday May 28th, 2006 @ 12:41 PM
Walk for values...??

    Uhhhh... Like four thousand brown people just walked down my street in a parade. The banners they were carrying said "Walk for Values." I have NO idea what that means.
    But, as I said, there were four thousand brown people, and at least ONE of my brown friends has to be related to at least ONE of them somehow (you know it's probably true ;)), so I was wondering if any of you knew anything about this weird parade thingy?? Like, what the heck are they walking down my street for?
    That is all.

~Shayla

Friday May 26, 2006 @ 6:36 PM
Music: Guns N' Roses - Paradise City
This could turn ugly fast...

    I must be in a very weird mood, because I really feel like cooking something right now. I think it's because my parents just went out of town, and I went to buy groceries. I don't mind the idea of cooking really, but I hate when I have to work with someone else's choice in recipes, and selection of groceries, and telling me what to do and how to do it. Mind you, I don't actually know how to cook much on my own, so I should probably be more open to help.
    Really though, all I want is a reference -I wouldn't mind someone around who really wasn't interested in what I was doing, who was just there for me to ask "How the heck do I do this?" and "What does this mean?" and "Where do we keep the whatever?"
    So I've just done a scan of the food contents of my house to see what I have to work with and what I could possibly make out of all this... Then I realized that the list of things I can actually make is hardly extensive. List of things I can cook:

• Mac n' Cheese Okay, so this is a cop-out. Whatever, Kraft dinner rocks my world.
• Eggs Over easy, hard-boiled, scrambled... I think that's about it.
• Spaghetti How sophisticated am I?? :D
• Uncle Ben Rice Hey whatever, man. This TOTALLY counts. It makes a nice side, AND it's better for you because it's whole wheat rice. :)
• Veggies I don't think I know how to steam anything yet, but I can thaw frozen ones. :) This is a common side dish in my family, so IT COUNTS.
• Pasta Salad We're getting into my more impressive dishes now (I'm not even kidding, these last five are my best stuff). ;) I make a WICKED pasta salad though.
• Grilled, spiced veggies C/O my mother, the health nut. :) These are GOOD.
• Grilled, spiced potato fries Yeah, these are the same as the veggies, but are sliced potatos. I make them with the veggies, on the same tray. :)
• Chicken salad Okay, I don't actually know if I can make this by myself yet... I made the chicken with my mom once, so I don't know if I can remember how to do it by myself... I could probably figure it out if need be though. Anyway
• Special breakfast This is just the name Katie and I have adopted for this. It's Katie and my special sister meal, and it's the BEST thing I can cook (but I think it's DAMN good). It's basically cinnamon french toast, stuffed with various mushed-up fruit and topped with whipped cream. :) Mmmm... The best part is that except for the whipped cream it's a totally healthy breakfast... But it tastes SOOOO good!!! :D Banana-raspberry filling is my favourite.

PS. X-MEN 3 IS SOOOO GOOD!! FYI, if [when] you go to see it, make sure you stay until the credits end because there's something at the end. :)