Quotes page 2

~When god made men, she was only joking.

~Insanity is heriditary. You get it from your kids.

~I dont know, I dont care, and it doesnt make a difference.

~Nothing is illegal, until you get caught.

~I was an atheist, until I realized I was God.

~Do they ever shut up on your planet?

~Im the kind of person my parents wanted me to stay away from.

~Follow your dreams, except the one where your at school in your underware.

~Dont drink and derive. Alcohol and calculus dont mix.

~Age is a high price to pay for maturity.

~My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son of a bitch.

~Are you addressing me? Well lick it, put a stamp on it, and send it to someone who gives a shit.

~This is a girls world. Boys just live in it

~God created men, then he had a better idea.

~Im not a girl you can play. If you want one of those, go find Barbie.

~Love is like a basketball game, all the guys are players.

~Thats not true, not all guys are jerks, some are gay!

~Girls are like phones. We like to be held and talked to, but if you press the wrong button, you'll be disconnected.

~Guys are like a piece of gum. When they lose their flavor, you pop in a new one.

~Friends dont let friends drink and take home ugly men.

~Until water cant be boiled, I'll always be spoiled.

~Guys are like dogs, they have to be trained.

~You thought you broke my heart, you thought you made me cry, I guess you know by now, not every player is a guy.

~First came fire, then a flame. Im a chick no one can tame.

~Women are stupider than men because we date them.

~Life was so much easier when guys had cooties and clothes didnt match.

~Are you a parking ticket? cuz you got FINE written all over you!

~I'll try anything twice, three times if I like it.

~Shakin my hips, lickin my lips, bet you wish you could have some of this.

~Im glad I have my library card, cuz Im checkin you out.

~Sorry boys, the only thing I blow are kisses.

~Milk does the body good, but DAMN how much did you drink?

~I look like an angel, act like one too, but you never know what this lil angel will do.

~You know you like what you see, but you still cant get with a girl like me!

~I know you think I'm cute, I know you think I'm fine, but like the rest of the guys, take a number and wait in line.

~You be good, I'll be bad, get with me, and you'll be glad.

~Sex is better than talk...Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex

~A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

~I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.

~I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

~What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

~My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas...I told my roommate and he said 'Do I know you?'

~Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

~Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana...The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are

~A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

~The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.

~"I'm one of those people who's not really turned on by baseball. My idea of a relief pitcher is one that's filled with martinis."

~To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

~I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

~ You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

~I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

~I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

~The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up

~Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question.

~In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of only two basic substances: Magic and bullshit.

~Reality is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.

~I drink to make other people interesting.

~"My life is like a porno-movie, without the sex".

~Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

~If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

~I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

~It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how he found out.

~Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

~You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

~Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the double lock will keep; May no brick through the window break, And, no one rob me till I awake.

~If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

~Stress: a condition created when the brain overides the bodily propensity to beat the living shit out of someone who needs it.

~Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

~People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.

~I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

~If nothing sticks to teflon, how does teflon stick to the pan?

~The reason that we have been losing is because we haven't been winning.

~Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming.

~"Where is an elephants sex organ? In his feet. If he steps on you, you're fucked."

~Of course you found it in the last place you looked. If you hadn't found it you'd still be looking

~Boys will be boys as long as there are no girls in the picture.

~The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.

~I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

~Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.

~Anything you do can get you shot - including doing nothing.

~Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

~It is now beyond any doubt that cigarettes are the biggest cause of statistics.

~A friend is someone who will help you move; A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.

~Not everybody knows everything, so use everything you know.

~No matter where you go, there you are.

~There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

~I am proof that Einstein's "e equals m c squared" is wrong. My mass has increased, but my energy has dropped.

~Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

~"I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work."

~Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.

~The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

~The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

~There is, in fact, a difference between crazy and insane. A crazy person will walk down the street shooting people. An insane person will do it in a clown suit.

~A hangover is when you open your eyes in the morning and wish you hadn't.

~Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

~I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

~Just because I look stupid doesn't mean I'm not.

~In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light". And there was still nothing but you could see it.

~"You have such beautiful eyes. Where did you get them?" "They came with my head."

~To be is to do (Socrates). To do is to be (Sartre). Doobeedoobeedoo (Sinatra)

~Please excuse Mary from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

~Please excuse Fred Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

~Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.

~Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

~"Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon."

~Death should not be seen as the end but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

~24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?

~If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

~A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.

~"Don't ask me questions before eight in the morning, particularly silly ones. I'm grumpy then, and I'll probably make fun of you."

~On the other hand, you have different fingers

~Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

~There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

~WARNING! The dates in Calender are closer than they apper.

~I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!

~For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

~People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

~Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good.

~Support wild life - vote for an orgy!

~Black holes are where God divided by zero.

~For those who think life's a joke - just think of the punchline!

~I am not an alcoholic. I am a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.

~Life is like a game of cards. If you don't have a partner, you better have a good hand.

~It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

~Don't judge a man by his boxers, it's what's inside that counts.

~I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

~When people say "I'm gonna kick your ass!", they never kick your ass, they punch you in the face.

~When you get gloomy, just take and hour off and sit and think about how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up if expect to go there.

~Eat healthy, exercise more, still die.

~Anywhere is walking distance, if you've got the time.

~"I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it."

~Times spent wasted are not wasted times.

~What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

~You know you are getting too old, when the candles cost more than the cake.

~How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

~Sex is Evil, Sex is Sin, Sins are forgiven, So Let's Begin!

~We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."

~What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

~If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

~Wedding rings: the world's smallest handcuffs.

~I bought a package of batteries, but they weren't included... so I had to buy them again.

~The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.<
~It's not you, it's me. I just don't like you.

~Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense.

~The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from

~Smile, it makes people wonder what you're up too...

~Having a good boyfriend is like having a good bra, its all about support!

~Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me.

~If you need a nickel, I'll give you a dime. But if your looking for a man, don't be fuckin with mine.

~"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

~Life is like a roll of toilet paper, sometimes long, sometimes short, but always useful.

~If marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.

~I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

~"You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?"

~That money talks I don't deny... I just heard mine yell: Goodbye!!

~Kids in back seats cause accidents, accidents in back seats cause kids.

~When I found that I held the only key to her heart, I killed the locksmith.

~Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

~There are plenty more fish in the sea, but who wants to go out with a fish?

~"Smile... it's the second best thing to do with your lips."

~PROCRASTINATION: Hard work often pays off in the future, but laziness always pays off now.

~People who are always looking over their shoulder, will most likely run into something.

~"I'm not a follower... I'm a leader with the same idea."

~Starkle starkle little twink
Who the hell are you to think
I'm not under what you call
The alchofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
But the drunker I stand here,
The longer I get
So just give me one more drink to fill my cup
Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up

~The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

~The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

~Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

~Sex is like math: add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply.

~Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

~I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

~Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

~Those who say that words can never hurt them, never got hit in the head with a dictionary.

~I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!

~Love is a sensation cause by temptation
Guy sticks his location in the girls destination
To increase the population of the next generation
Do you understand my explanation?
Or do you need a demonstration?

~We spend nine months trying to get out, and the rest of our lives trying to get back in.

~Sex on TV is bad. You may fall off.

~If you can't face it, moon it.

~The funny thing about Common sense is that it's not very common.

~Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

~War does not determine who is right... but who is left.

~A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

~Help! Send chocolate!

~Sure, there's no "I" in team, but there is an "M" and an "E".

~I don't hate you, I just need someone to take my anger out on.

~Masturbation is like procrastination, it feels good till you realize you're fucking yourself...

~If at first you do not succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

~Whoever said nothing's impossible never tried to slam a revolving door.

~Women are like a hurricane, they come in wet and wild, but when they leave, they take your house, car, and all your personal belongings.<
~I've had fun before. This isn't it.

~Everyone has issues except me - I have a damn subscription.

~Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights do make a left.

~Whats the difference between a bitch and a whore? A whore goes to a party and has sex with everyone. A bitch goes to a party and has sex with everyone but you.

~Try everything once. Except incest and folk dancing.

~Life is a rollercoaster. We spend part of the time waiting for the ups, part of the time screaming at the downs, wishing we could ride it again when we're dying, and the entire time sitting on our butts getting lazier.

~Chances are, if you're a person who talks to yourself, you do that because no one else will.

~Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

~If I am what I eat them I am cheap, quick, and easy.

~Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

~My doctor told me not to drink any more, so I don't. I don't drink any less, but I don't drink any more.

~JESUS LOVES YOU! ...but then again, so does Barney.

~I drink to make other people appear more intelligent... I drink a lot.

~A girl can kiss a guy, a bird can kiss a butterfly, the sun can kiss the grass... But you, my friend, can kiss my ass.

~If you melt dry ice, can you swim in it without getting wet?

~Don't ever tease if you're not willing to please

~Virginity is like a bubble... One tiny prick and it's gone.

~If guys had a period, they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons

~When life hands you a lemon, break out the tequila and the salt!

~Marriage is a 3 ring circus. You got the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.

~Due to economic conditions, the light at the end of the tunnel has been temporarily turned off.

~You call me a freak like it's a bad thing.

~Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.

~I think, therefore I'm single.

~You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

~I told my psychiatrist that everyone hated me. He told me I was being ridiculous. Everyone hadn't met me yet.

~We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

~You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine."

~I like your style, I like your class, but most of all I like your ass.

~Remember, desperation leads to masturbation.

~When a guy says "Suck it!" I say, "Sorry but I choke on small objects."

~We don't have a town drunk. We all share the responsibilty.

~When you do something right, no one remembers. When you do something wrong, no one forgets!

~Don't drink and drive. You might spill your beer.

~Mean people suck, nice people swallow.

~Save water, drink beer.

~She's 2/3 a Rice Crispies square, she's snapped, crackled and she's waiting for the final pop.

~They say money can't buy you happiness but it sure makes misery a lot more bearable.

~The easiest way to avoid a hangover is to just stay drunk.

~Beer: helping ugly people get laid since 1837.

~Barbie sucks, but Ken ain't complaining.

~10 things that sound dirty in golf:

1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent
3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty that I can't get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up, I have to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again

~It's not the length, it's not the size, it's how many times you can make it rise!

~Arguing over the internet is like the special olympics: if you win you're still retarded.

~Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

~It's not that I am anti-social. I just don't like you.

~T-shirt: Nice Legs! What time do they open?

~Friends are like good bras: supportive, hard to find, and close to the heart.

~Pretend you're smart: use quotes.

~The only reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

~Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first name basis with anything that makes 95% of their decisions for them.

~Only in America do we buy a double cheese burger, large fries and a DIET COKE.

~Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

~Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while cleaning fluid is made with real lemons?

~Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A: A submarine

~Your name should be Campbell because your mmm... mmm... good

~Be true to your teeth or they'll be false to you

~What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

Better get some support before people think we're nuts!

~Being single is like a vacuum cleaner: its sucks when you're turned on

~Bumper Sticker: I brake for tailgaters

~Saying on a t-shirt: "I'm not staring at your breasts, I was reading your T-shirt!"

~Stressed is just desserts spelled backwards!

~Why did the snowman pull down his pants?

Because he saw a snowblower coming!!

~"The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary."

~"Treat me like an angel and I'll be your lil' devil."

~They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?.

~Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless.

~"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."

~"Don't criticize my mess unless you'd like to become part of it."

~Consciousness- that annoying time between naps

~It takes 42 muscels to smile, so instead pick up your middle finger and say bite me in a bitchy tone!

~Every morning is the dawn of a new error

~A friend is someone who is there for you when he'd rather be somewhere else

~Does the noise in my head bother you?

~I know a million ways To always pick the wrong thing to say

~"When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities."

~I am nobody... nobody is perfect... I must be perfect then..

~Why can't I attract men like crazy, Instead of crazy men

~If you want breakfast in bed.........sleep in the kitchen

~"Buy me another drink, because your still ugly"

~"I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me there."

~"It's not attention deficit disorder, I'm not just not listening to you."

~The World Is Full Of Asses Your Just The Biggest

~Born in heaven, raised in hell

~Beauty is just a light switch away!

~I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.

~Harrasing me about my smoking may be hazardous to your health!

~Everybody makes mistakes, thats why they put erasers on pencils.-Homer Simpson

~I keep missing my ex, but my aim is getting better!

~B-be
I-in
T-total
C-control of
H-him

~Do not disturb! (I'm disturbed enough already)

~Sign on pool: Welcome to our OOL. Notice there's no 'P' in it, let's keep it that way!

~A good lawyer knows the law, a great lawyer knows the judge.

~I have lots of friends; you just can't see them.

~
~Warning! Sex may lead to child support.

~EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

~An average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm. When it ejaculates, only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean everytime one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty...

~GEOGRAPHY OF MEN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

~Only in American banks can you find the pens chained to the counter and the doors wide open.

~Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

~As a teenager it's important to know how to dress, how to act and how to talk. Just follow this simple rule: if adults hate it, you're on to something good!

~Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

~Human brain has two parts: the right and the left. The left has nothing right in it and the right has nothing left in it .

~I was standing in the park, wondering why frisbees got bigger as they came closer... then it hit me!

~I have PMS and a gun... now what were you saying?

~I get to go to lots of over-seas places, like Canada.-Britney Spears

~Early to bed, early to rise . . . a strong indicator that you lack a social life.

~Physics is like sex...sure there are practical reasons for it, but that's not why we do it.

~Yea, I tried to see it from your point of veiw, but I couldn't get my head that far up my ass.

~Sex with me when I'm really drunk is like being at the dentist, you can tell something's going on but you don't exactly know what it is.

~You know it's always business doing pleasure with you.

~Party like there's no tomorrow! Then when you wake up the next morning, you'll be surprised!

~If you've come here to complain you've just wasted 98% of your time. I suggest you use the remaining 2% and find the door.

~Virginity is not Dignity... It is just lack of Opportunity...

~I dont usually get compliments, so i was suprised when the phone company rang me up to say that i had an outstanding account

~Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us...

~I'm one of those good people bad things happen to.

~Men are proof that women can take a joke.

~I am a Team Player, I just don't play on the same team as you.

~"Never argue with an idiot, cause he'll bring you down to his level and beat you with experience"

~Sex is wrong. Sex is a sin. Sins are forgiven so stick it in.