Branxton is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games. In order to increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat.
However, fierce competition is expected from rival areas such as Cessnock, Greta, Rothbury, and Whittingham.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a local of the town wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with oversized stomach.
THE EVENTS:
100 METRE SPRINT
Competitors will have to hold a VCR & a Microwave (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starter's gun, a Police Dog will be released from a cage 10 metres behind the athletes.
100 METRE HURDLES
As above but with added obstacles: car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences, walls, train gates,etc.
HAMMER THROW
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to competitors or members of the public within the time allowed.
SHOOTING
A strong challenge is expected from the men in this event. The first target will be a moving Police Vehicle. In the second round, competitors will aim at a Post Office Clerk, Bank Teller, Console Operator or Video Store attendant.
BOXING
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday Night. The husband will be given 15 glasses of Bundy and Coke at the Branxton Hotel followed by a quick check-in at a Pokolbin lapdancing joint, while the wife will be told not to make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing Bike Pants, shorts, Boob Tube, and thongs and make a valid attempt to get him to remove the transmission out of the bath.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS
The competitor will attend the Branxton General Store where they will obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummies Boy (preferably from Hunter Valley Grammer or Cessnock High), they will then be pitted against the clock. Bonus points will be awarded for a helmet if acquired at the time of getting the bike.
MODERN PENTATHLON
Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a Motor Vehicle, Arson, Wilful Exposure, going armed in public.
MEN'S 50KM WALK
Unfortunately this is now cancelled as organisers cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Branxton, or surrounding areas.
GYMNASTICS
The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Commercial Hotel. The event will commence at Closing time. We expect some rather difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus. The floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Branxton Police Station.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the a bonfire made of the Branxton primary school,accompanied by a Local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be extinguished by local representatives urinating from the base of the spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will then be boarded up before local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping, electrical wiring and air conditioners.
BACK TO INDEX |
|