I seem to remember in the past speculating on the possibility that American Airlines is the most disorganised airline on earth and it now seems that this speculation has reached the lofty heights of a personal feud (if it is possible for a personal feud to be entered into by a corporation.) It was until recently a topic of some amusement and possible co-incidence that every time that I have flown out of Heathrow with American Airlines they have subjected my hand luggage to a search for explosives.
The first time was not so bad, and slightly interesting due to the novelty, although I can still feel the slight loosening of the bowels when I got to the gate and was asked to "Step this way please" with the accompaniment of the snap of a rubber glove being pulled on.
The second time I was not searched at the check-in, but at the gate had the contents of my suitbag thoroughly examined, and I remember considering packing dirty underware in the future for just such occasions. Twice is a nice coincidence, and something to joke about with friends whilst discussing the vagarities of US airlines and the meaning of soft departures. In fact it was one of those things to hypothetically whinge about in advance as Simon I queued up in a longish queue making use of our frequent flier status to sample the experience of checking in in the first class queue. This is not all it is cracked up to be, as the shorter queues are offset by the greater degree of personalised service which means that it takes 3 times as long to check one person in and the wait is pretty much the same. All this, combined with Heathrow being the definition of why airports have a bad name naturally leads to speculation about what will go wrong on this trip and joking gloomy predictions of being searched again.
So, after a few people attempted to jump the queue (excuse me sir, there is a line. Ah, but I'm checking in First Class. Yes, now go to the back of the queue) Simon and I arrived at the checkin desk. We handed over passports, tickets and frequent flier cards, and the woman behind the desk dealt with us separately - me first. She asked the usual security questions, then informed me that my seat allocation would be done at the gate - not a good sign. She then said, "You've been selected at random by our computers for a security check," which provoked an incredulous comment from me, and a guffaw of unbridled mirth from Simon. I was lead away by a security guard muttering uncomplementary remarks about the degree of auto-correlation present in the random number generators used by the airline, while Simon was checked in. The security guard took heed of my thesis on the lack of randomness in the universe and let me in on another of the secrets of airlines - the selection is not necissarily random, nor indeed spelt correctly, and I fit a profile, probably based on how my tickets were booked. As I see it, this profile is something like, frequent traveller with tickets booked by reputable company with a history of being searched, not carrying suspicious items and very few planes he has travelled on mysteriously blowing up in mid-air. For goodness sake, if they are trying to catch me, searching me every time is hardly likely to lull me into a false sense of security. Having examined the contents of my computer bag, which was mercifully free of soiled underware, the security guard released me, saying "You will be searched again at the gate - ah, but you already know that - you've been here before." I returned to the checkin counter where Simon had just been issued his boardinq pass complete with seat allocation. Various theories and numerous aspersions passed our lips until we reached the gate, where they asked Simon if we were travelling together, ripped up his boarding pass and gave us both seat allocations, together but several rows behind Simon's original. Simon found a seat while I had my belongings perused for a second time in short succession. He also worked out what the 3rd boarding pass check at the gate is for - to sort out who needs to be searched- although we are still at a loss as to the purpose of the 4th. We boarded our 777 to discover it was a hastily rearranged 767 and had hence not been issued with any videos and there was a young girl in front of me who had been very much looking forward to watching videos all the way across the Atlantic and was now redirecting her videographic passion into constructing voluble reasons why she was therefore entitled to her father's first class seat, rather than the business class one next to her mother. These degenerated into general complaints and wishes to be on different flights when her father informed her that they did not have movies in first class either. That was OK-I have a good book. And maybe that's all the searches were for- to ensure I had something good to read. On the other hand, maybe I need to have a quiet word with the rest of my family to find out who got up to what on which airline.
© Jonathan Main 2000