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The Bet

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada
one day,carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"
After much humming and arghing, the bank staff
finally ushered her into the president's office 
(the customer is always right)!
The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit.
She replied, $165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course* curious as to how
she came by all this cash,so he asked* her,* "Ma'am, 
I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this* money?"
The old lady replied, "I make bets." ..............     The president then asked,"Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "well,
for example,
I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet.
You can never win that kind of bet!"
The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady than said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with  me tomorrow at 10:00A.M. as a witness?"
"Sure!" replied the confident president.           That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent  a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again.
He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls
were square and that he would win the bet.
The next morning, at precisely 10:00 A.M., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet"
"$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see.
The president complied. The little old lady peered
closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot
of money,so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.
The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" She replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 A.M.today, I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

 

Demanding Hubby

TThe  husband had finally had enough of being Pussy-whipped. 

 He burst through the door after work and yelled, 

 " Here's the deal Woman. I want my dinner on 
the table in 15 minutes.  Afterwards, we're going upstairs where you'll give me a great BJ.

Then while I'm in the shower, you'll lay out some clean clothes for me. 
Cause I'm going out on the town with the boys.  
And do you know who's gonna tie my 
tie just the way I like it."
"Yes Dear," she replied. "The undertaker."
 
Martian Love


The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land onMars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom The Martian strips.
He's got only a teeny,weenie member-about half an inch long and just 
a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it is still narrow."
"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their 
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...
she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 
The day before Christmas, an elderly man in Glasgow calls his son, who lives in Southampton, and says: "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing - 45 years of misery is enough. "We can't stand the sight of each other," the old man continues. "And I'm sick of talking about her, so can you call your sister in London and tell her?" He then hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes: "But they can't get divorced! It's OK, I'll take care of this." Immediately, she calls her dad and shouts: "You're not getting divorced. Don't do a thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear?" She then hangs up.  The old boy puts down the phone, turns to his wife and says: "OK, they're coming for Christmas and paying their own fares. Now we just have to decide what to tell them for Easter....
 

It's Christmas and the judge is in a merry mood. He asks the prisoner: "Tell me, what are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," the man replies.  "That's not an offence," says the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," answers the prisoner.

 

The Three Wise Men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the men was very tall and he bumped his head on the low doorway of the stable. "Jesus Christ!" he shouted. To which Joseph replied: "Write that down Mary, I like it better than Colin."

 

One evening a reindeer goes into a bar and orders a Martini. The bartender gawps with sheer amazement, but mixes the drink, sits it in front of the reindeer and accepts the £10 note from its hoof.  He gives him a few coins in change. Then says: "You know, you're the first reindeer I've seen in here?"  The reindeer looks at his change and says: "Well buddy, at these prices, I'll certainly be the last!!"

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