I meet him. I talk to him. I fall in love. I live happily ever after. That's how the fairy tale is supposed to go. My Prince Charming. My dream. My love. That's what is supposed to happen. But my Prince Charming was no prince.
He was amazing. He said all the right words. He was romantic and kind and perfect for me. He said he loved me. He said I was beautiful and smart. He was the perfect lover. He was the perfect boyfriend. He would have been a perfect husband. His only flaw...he was the perfect fraud. He belonged to someone else.
I suppose I saw it. I suppose I knew. My women's intuition kicked in. Alarm bells were ringing. That little inner voice was screaming. I felt my heart hesitate when falling. I ignored it. I pretended I didn't hear. I imagined it was my own fear of falling in love. I plugged my ears, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and jumped in without looking - heart first, head last.
I was lonely. I can admit that. I was tired of sleeping alone. Tired of turning off the light every night with an empty place in my bed. Tired of waking up every morning with an empty place in my heart. I wanted to feel that bond. I wanted to have someone to share my tears with, share my smile with, and share my body with.
I wanted that giddy, light-headed feeling I get when I am in love. I wanted butterflies in my stomach when he touched me. I wanted to stare too long into his eyes. To hold my breath right before he kissed me. To gasp, to sigh, to breathe his name. To feel my heart tighten when he left. To hear his heartbeat through his shirt. To smell his cologne. To touch his skin. To taste his mouth. To feel his passion.
I wanted all these things and more. I wanted them so badly I ignored every warning, every bell, and every sign. I opened myself to love and walked into an oblivion of denial and ignorance. He gave me all the things I wanted, but bliss was short-lived.
So I have been thinking about what it is to love and be loved. I know in my head that what we had wasn't real. It wasn't love. He was never mine to love, to hold, to desire. So maybe what I have really been thinking of is illusion. What he and I had was illusion and nothing more. It was a dream, a fantasy, a spell cast by my own heart. I am wondering if the illusion of love is better than nothing at all.
Having said all this, I do not blame him. He deceived - yes. He betrayed many - yes. He was selfish - yes. But he did not fool anyone that did not want to be fooled. He did not do these things with malice in his heart. I think, perhaps, as I was fooling my heart, he was fooling his own.
I am not sure where I go from here. Not sure which path to follow. Not sure which body part to listen to - head or heart. They battle each other. They scream to be satisfied. At times, each has seemed to be the more persuasive.
At this moment, this second, both head and heart are quiet. Neither begs for attention. All is peaceful, tranquil, and yet...my heart clenches, my throat closes, my head throbs, and my eyes blink back tears that have fallen too many times. I believe the heart has won this battle.
