Am i fake?
i don't really know. When i wonder this, the lyric from the song by Hole ("Doll Parts") comes to mind.
"i fake it so real i am beyond fake"
This literally is me. I used to feel so utterly fake, when i was younger, like in 6th grade probably through 9th grade. I smiled when the last thing i felt like doing was smiling. When i entered a room i wanted to scream, but I laughed. I was never happy, but no one ever knew. I had some break-downs, but no one ever knew the extent of my unhappiness, not even my best friends had a clue as to how deep my suffering went. There was a constant sadness in my life and i was constantly trying to hide it from everyone. I was a fake.
Now i am a true fake without even trying. not only to everyone else, but to myself. when i am in public, i am not even aware of my own feelings. i have become so used to faking happiness, that i do it without even thinking about it. i am almost incapable of being sad in public. literally. my emotions are so out of whack..i have become two seperate people-the alone me, and the with people me. it was not a concious decision, nor do i want to be this way. i just have become this way and it is terrible. the alone me is so incredibly sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, chaotic, scared, suicidal, self-destructive. the with-people me is charismatic, happy, charming, smiling, sad once in awhile but only for a few minutes. the with people side of me cannot maintain sadness for more than a few minutes or i will have to leave or risk having a complete break-down. i am afraid to mix the two back together-if i even could. for a few reasons. one of them being that i don't think people want to see the other me. the second, i think that i would go crazy, i think that i would not be able to work, or to do anything because i would be out of control. one thing that scares me as well is that my worst times over the past few years have been when the two sides mix. someone opens up some emotional side of me and i become emotional in public-which causes me to feel very vulnerable-and i crack. i cut badly or end up in the hospital. the one time that i attempted suicide was a result (i think) of feeling so overwhelmed with emotion that my two sides mixed.
it's like i have learned the art of turning my brain off. like a person who has been continuously abused learns to black out parts of their memory, i have learned to shut off my brain to certain feelings until i can deal with them-alone. i think it comes down to the fact that i cannot deal with the emotions until i am alone-having people around AND trying to cope is too much for me to handle. how should i go about fixing myself? i don't know. the more i write, the more i realize how fucking complicated my head is. i can't even comprehend a small fraction of it. fuck. so how could any therapist analyze it if i can't even do it? how could a book figure me out if I can't even do it??? maybe i anazlye too much. that could be it. well fuck it. good night. more later, maybe. we'll see. -girl- back to homepage