My first time ever cutting...was for attention. There is no doubt in my mind that was what it was for. My dad tried to strangle me that morning (not like really really tried but he did strangle me-pushed me against the wall and pressed on my throat) and then he was so mean to me that night. I walked up to the local grocery store and bought a clearly canadian water and drank it while i walked home (i was young, no car then). When I got to the end of my block I smashed it and took the big sharp pieces and put them in my pockets and went home. Once I was home, I went into the bathroom and made like 20 or 30 cuts. I remember thinking they were really bad and deep but I'm sure they weren't. What my plan was was that I was going to show him the cuts after I did them and say "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO. LOOK HOW MUCH YOU HURT ME". but once i finished cutting, I didn't want to. I never did show him, although eventually both of my parents found out by accident. It was that day that cutting became my new coping method. (one of my only coping methods unfortunately) I went in phases of not cutting at all to needing to cut every single day, a lot of times more than once a day. The cutting keeps getting deeper now and I am more picky about what depth of cut is good enough. I NEED a certain cut before I can finish cutting and feel ok again. At a point in my life I had to cut so much that I would go in the school bathroom and cut or the bathroom at work. The first time I ever got to the layer of skin where it turns pure white and you can see some veins was in the school bathroom. It didn't bleed a ton like I thought it would, but it kept on bleeding all day long. It was horrible.
You probably wonder where or who I learned to use cutting as a coping method. My friend Rachel who I went to chruch with in 6th grade & up used to cut herself. She would show me and I would never understand and I would think it was scary and sort of stupid. I didn't understand at all and I never thought I would ever do it. Somehow it became incorporated into my brain where I decided that I should begin to cut. I dont know where it all originated from....?? I guess it doesn't matter anymore. i am so fucking tired. i have had the worst sleeping problems lately. not sleeping at all, sleeping a few hours a night....and it's 3am and I need to go to bed. i will add more here later.