A: I use Stanley razor blades, purchased at Target for $1.99. They come in packs of 10 and they are all encased in a plastic container. *sigh* I have tried about 4 different kinds of blades, none seem as sharp or as convienent as these particular Stanleys. I carry them in my purse, tucked into a little pocket. I usually have 2 packs with, just in case. I also have an extra single razor underneath the phone in my room, just in case I forget my purse somewhere. You can never be too careful!
Q: What can you do about scars?
A: NOT CUT! Seriously, as hypocritical as this sounds, DON'T start cutting. It is addicting and it is a handicap. However, if you already have the scars, you can see a dermatologist to help you lessen the damage. The derm. doctor I saw injected my bigger scars with Steroids (hehe make me big and strong, no, not really). The steroids are supposed to flatten the scars out and lessen the red color. Did it work...? Hm. I'm not really sure, i guess I can tell a slight difference in them, but not much. They are still quite obvious.
Q: How do you keep your cutting a secret??
A: I wear long sleeves for a few weeks after each cutting "session". No one wonders, or cares, why you rarely wear short sleeves. I have been asked, but when I was asked (and this has only happened a few times)it was only because I was wearing a long-sleeved shirt on a really really hot day. The person merely asked, "Aren't you hot? Why are you wearing that shirt?" I just made some smart ass comment, and they laughed and forgot. The only times I have ever been "discovered" were days I *thought* that no one would notice-like when I haven't cut for awhile. But sometimes later on people will ask...."so what were those scars all about...I noticed them but I never said anything?" Or some more....how do i say it..RUDE people just scream it out in the middle of groups...leaving you to just smile and say, "I'm not sure, must be catscratches!" but thinking "FUCK OFF."
:P sucky.
Q: Do you ever tell anyone?
A: Yes, I do tell some people. I tell people I trust, people that can relate to the behavior, and a lot of people online.
Q: Do your parents know? What do they do?
A: Yes, they know. They have known for quite some time, although the frequency of it, they are unaware. Often they ask, "Have you been cutting lately?". Sometimes I answer honestly; other times I lie to protect them.
Q: Are you getting any professional help?
A: Yes, I am. I currently see a psychatrist for my medications. I did see one therapist for a year, but it just didn't work out between us. Previously to her I had seen about 15 different therapists, but only two other psychatrists. It's not really helping at all...but I am hopeful. The therapist I previously mentioned basically encouraged me to cut by asking me to keep track of how long I engage in cutting. I think she wanted to write a book. Bitch.
Q: Have you ever been hospitalized?
A: Yes, twice. One time last year before Christmas I was hospitalized as an out-patient. This year before Christmas I was put in the In-patient ward for 4 days, 4 or 5 nights.
Q: What were the circumstances that led to your hospitalization?
A: The first time I was hospitalized, I stayed in the hospital for about a month and a half. I attended school at the hospital-basically was there the entire day. The reason I was there is because I asked to be there-life was too hard, and I needed a break. Plus I always thought that going to a "mental institution" would heal me forever. Needless to say, it didn't.
My second stay at the hospital came because I attempted suicide. I took an unknown number of pills (I HONESTLY don't know how many). I dumped out my entire bottle of Prozac and my entire bottle of Welbutrin, and threw in a few aspirin and ibuprofen as well. I took about 4 handfuls and choked them down. I was really happy for about 20 minutes. Then I called 911 because I was scared. That's how I got to be in the hospital.
Q: Did being hosptialized help you?
A: No, not at all. Being there with all the other teens, I just felt more alone with my "illness" or whatever it is. I was isolated in the hospital most of the time, and all i did was sleep and cry. I felt paranoid as I was videotaped the entire time; I couldn't shower alone, shit alone, even sleep alone. It made me feel insane. My dismissal came as a suprise to me, as I hadn't even been talked to yet, except by an R.N. My doctors had barely spoken to me the entire time I stayed in there. I was unprepared to leave...when I did, the doctor told me that they "couldn't do anything" for me there. That was a really hard thing to hear...However, I have now been referred to a few in-patient clinics that I am interested in, they are for my specific disorder.
Q: Did you cut during your most recent stay at the hospital?
A: No, I did not. If you are an in-patient you are searched before entry into the hospital. I didn't even have shoelaces. There is nothing made of glass on the unit, and nothing with strings or cords either. You can use makeup and stuff with supervision, and once when one of the supervisors looked away as I was putting on my makeup, I snuck my compact powder into my pocket. Later on in the evening, I snuck back to my room, and quietly as I could broke the compact and took teh mirror out. This dumb boy came to my room and told me we were playing Monopoly again *again, like for the 30th time!!!!!* so I followed him, and slipped the glass mirror under my sheets. When I returned 5 minutes later (I turned down Monopoly, haha), it was gone. I realized then, that I was being videotaped the entire time. After that, I resorted to hair-pulling, but mostly scratching with my nails or self-hitting.
Q: Do you have some sort of mental problem? Like depression or something?
A: Yes, I do. What it is, I'm not quite sure. There are many different theories in my psych files. :) The one that comes up most often is Borderline Personality Disorder, which usually comes with a few other *fun* disorders or diseases. I am also thought to have some form of Bi-polar (manic depression). I am for sure clinically depressed. You can find out information on any of these disorders/diseases on this page:
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If you have any questions that you do not see on this page, and would like to, please email me! thanks!