8-12-00: I am not doing very well tonight. I went to a show and it was ok. I hung out with this guy
and he made me feel more stable but now that I am home I am sort of breaking down.
I just thought i heard the door open and someone say hello. But that didn't happen. I'm afraid I am
going insane lately. The craving to cut has been unbearable. I bought a 10 pack today of stanleys.
I feel better knowing i have them. I dont want to burn, but I almost did last night because all the razors I hadd
I couldn't find anywhere and my dad's were covered in wood and paint. *
8/13~3am
8/14 4am
8/16 4am 8/17 4:30am
8/18 2:30
8/20 5am 8/23 1am
8/24
8/25 4am 8/26 5am
8/27
8/31 9/1 6am!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
9/2 2am 9/3 11:47 9/17 9:30
i am developing anorexia because i ahve nothing better to do. i want to simply FUCKING waste away into NOITHING because that's what i FEEL LIKE NOTHING. FUKC YOU EVERYONE I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. IF YOU READ THIS AND YOU THINK I LIKE YOU THEN FUCK YOU I DON"T> WHOEVER YOU ARE WHATEVER YOU THINK YOU DO FOR ME, IT IS NOT ENOUGH TO EVEN CLOSE TO HELP ME. SO GO TO HELL. IF I COULD I WILL SLICE YOUR THROAT BECUAWSE YOU FEEL NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT I FEEL ASSHOLE. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOUU FUCK YOU I HAVE NOTHING YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK I AM ALL ALONE AND I WANT TO DIE BUT I DOUBT I WILL BECUASE I AM WEAK AND UGLY AND STUPID AND I SUCK SUCK SUCK
9/20 6am !!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEHHH
9/21 3:43 am
**i haven't written in awhile so i'm going to give updates** during the past week of 11/25-12/04 i have been staying up all night like 3 days and sleeping like 4 hours the other nights...fucking tired as hell. but not too unhappy, pretty ok.
12/ something or other...it was saturday
went to a show, it was fun, went to dennys afterwards. nice time. didnt come home til 6am or so.
12/05/00 3am earliest i have been home in weeks. my car is having problems and it makes me mad. tomorrow i'm playing music with some people so i have that to look forward to. i haven't been too sad in awhile. i was pretty sad last night, but not remarkably. i wanted to burn and i almost did, but i held myself back from it. i must have been more sad than i thought, because burning is usually a thing i do when i feel absolutely hopeless and very suicidal. i'm not sure. i just listened to hole the whole drive home and i wanted to cut or burn. i laid in bed for almost an hour looking at the lighter but i finally threw it down and turned off the light and went to bed. i even expressed my feelings to my friend, who was speechless..i told her i felt like stepping stone for her, for everyone, that i was NOTHIGN and that i didnt matter. that i was fat and ugly and that eveyrone hates me and that i am stupid and unlovable. and pointless. more that i just felt like nothing. oh, another thing-i brought home some clay from my ceramics class and i made a figure of a person sitting down. it was nice and peaceful. then a few days later i was really pissed and sad and self-hateful and i carved in it "hate me" and put slashes up and down the body and the arms. people in my class said it was "psychotic" and that a therapist would "love to get his hands on it". it made me angry. not sad, just fucking angry. the ignorance and the lack of empathy these people must have! to judge someone's feelings and art...it made me mad. whatever. they can think whatever they want. it made me not cut that night and it made me feel better because i expressed my most honest feelings in that piece of art. so fuck them!
anywyas, i am going to bed now. bye.
i was thinking..this part of the website is sort of voyeristic. reading this journal part is like trying to figure me out and trying to understand and comprehend me. i feel sort of violated that people read these thoughts, but i dont want to take them down. i dont know...just thoughts...
*
01/10/01 4:15am *
i'm ok today. last night i was crazy i was screaming and driving and i seriously was going to burn my arm completely. i thought about throwing gasoline on it and lighting it up. instead i chopped up my arm and let it bleed all over, i had to cut over my cuts from earlier this week. i really wanted to burn. but i didn't. this person hurt me, he left with this girl he liked and i thought he was giong to have sex with her, i like him...it sucked. tonight i threw up for the first time in a long time. i am trying to lose weight. i feel like no one will ever love me if i dont. seriously, i feel that way. or they love me, but they will love me more if i'm skinny. and i actually know it's true, just comparing me with other people. i dont know. i'm fucked up thoguh.i 'm trying to be anorexic. it's hard. but i will do it because i fucking can.
Saturday, 1-27-01 (?)
this is written afterwards, so i am just going to tell you about this day.
i went to a show in rochester, a band called Valet played as well as a local band Cesto. another band played but i never caught their name. i really liked Valet. When i arrived at the show these 4 boys i know (R.M., A.H., A.S., J.W.) invited me into their car to trip with them. i was hesitant but i agreed.
i did shrooms for the first time in my life, i have never tripped before in any way and it was really great. i smoked a little weed as well but not much. i do NOT do drugs on a regular basis at all, i just do them when offered, i have never bought drugs. just to make it clear. but i liked shrooms because i didn't feel out of control nor did i worry. i was just calm and going with the flow. i thought a LOT while tripping and i came to some simple but for me, very profound realizations.
2/3 saw my friends' band play in the cities. they were amazing, made me want to scream with them, fall over, dance, go crazy. fuck. when they play my emotions are all over hte place and i can't even pick them out. wish i could tell them that and have them both believe me and understand.
we all stayed in a hotel/dennys, quite appopriate for the group since we're all dennys losers. the hotel was fun, we saw lots of shitty anne murray commercials, an episode of cops, and a shitty movie called "the makon county police department". this boy *that i like* my friend and i stayed up til like 5:30 with tarot cards and conversation, then my friend & i tucked the boy into bed and my friend & i went to the dennys. we slept for awile but had to be up at 12 to leave the hotel.
2/4 woke up at noon. went to dennys with everyone and then went and saw dillinger 4, crush, songs of zaragynjkjgljdglasdj (i dont remember how to spell it so i fucked it up for sure instead) & one other band. i really like this one guy who was there. I made him come into the mosh pit with me, we fought over who would lead, it was really cute, i thought. i eventually gave in and took his sleeve and lead him into the pit. it was adorable to watch him mosh, because he's so small and every time he would try to get in he looked exactly like he did on this video i saw of him from like 7th grade when he was at a show. :) he looked like a little boy. it made me smile, inside and out. i drove home with him :) and we had a nice, pleasant time. we stopped at a gas station/subway/diner type place and this guy over-head announced goodbye to us on the speakers outside when we were leaving. the guy was really cool. i went to a show at the loveugly later and the boy i like was there too. people wanted me to sing this song that two other people and i wrote but i didn't becaus ei was too scared and too smoked out (like 3 packs that day). the music was good, the environment was ok too. the boy i liked saw me get up and came over to me and asked me if i was leaving and i said yes and we all went to dennys and we had so much much much fun!!! :) i loved it all.
MORE OF MY JOURNAL
this fall I'm going to the hospital to learn how to deal with everyday stuff, that everyone deals with.
i just dont know how to feel right...i cannot regulate my emotions, they are so out of control. I feel like all of this is
so unfair. I didn't ask to have these demons i have inside me. I didnt do anything wrong. everyone else
is going off to school this fall. and i'm going to the hospital. they're learning what they're supposed to be
learning at this age, and I'm learning what you were supposed to just know: how to survive, how to cope.
well FUCK this. i'm so damn unstable tonight. one little thing could make me just slit my wrists. i dont really care if i go
too deep or not tonight. i kind of want to, just to see what happens, how i will feel. i keep having these tremor-like shaky feelings. i keep shuddering and
i feel so alone and unsafe right now. Tonight is one of those nights when you wish someone would listen or someone
would be here to give you a hug. all i want right now is someone to say it'll be ok and soemone to say that it isn't all fair but that
it will all work out and that everything's ok now. i just want to be held right now. i just want to cut right now. i just want to die right now. i want to disintegrate. FUCK THIS. i am so fucking sick of living like this.
i feel so much pressure from all sides. I HAVE TO BE OK because i have to do a good job at wrok right now. all i want it to do
ok for once. i need to show them i can do my new job right and that im dependable. but god, i dont know. i just know i can't crack for a long time.
i have to keep my head shut up and just stay alive and out of the hospital. that's all i have to do right now. i have to pretend i'm ok. and i have to tell myself it's ok. i have to shut up my brain and shut up the emotions that are driving me insane.
i'm giong to cut now. i give in. i wont do it bad because i cant wear long sleeves at work yet and so i'll have to do it on my tummy but i hate doing it there
it just scars so bad and i hate it there anyways. i have to go now though or i will just scream... *2:27 am*
i didn't sleep at all tonight. well i did in the morning, like from 9am to 1pm.)
i went to a show tonight. it was nice. i saw a lot of my friends afterwards at dennys. that was good too.
I was very sad tonight though...and i cried on my friend when i dropped him off and i told him
how dependent i am on him..it sucked. i'm such a whore.
I went to a movie with my good friend & her boyfriend. I didn't mind that he was there. it was
pretty fun. i was sad though. I saw my ex-therapist at work and i almost threw up. It made me sick.
when i saw her i felt violated and...just sick. i dont know why. i felt like she raped me or something.
that always happens when people that i don't know well, know me too well.
i was so sad today. i really wanted to die. or to cut. i didn't do either. my friend called and we rented
movies so it was better.
Today i went shopping and this boy i know, but not well at all said to me, "NICE ARM. HOW MANY YEARS DID IT TAKE YOU TO DO THAT? HAHA"
I laughed too. fucker. i watched "the beach" with my friend and then we went to a show. the show
was wonderful. i was really into the music that the band was playing... it was amazing.
I worked tonight. felt like i was going to break down. it was horrible. my friend called me before work and
told me that he dad saw her scars and he said "YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF ____ (that space is me), SHE'S SO BAD FOR YOU".
that crushed me, because i always thought of this man like my father in a way. :( very hurtful.
Tonight i feel like just curling up with myself and hurting, like really letting myself ACHE. Maybe
just dying. maybe just completely letting myself go CRAZY so i'm not dead but just i dont know
just so that i dont understand pain or loneliness or anguish or humiliation. i'm scared to die or i would be dead.
i hvae nothing to lose. NOTHING. i am so sick of hurting SO DEEPLY. last night i bawled for an
hour or more in my bed in the dark listening to the song "cooling" by tori amos. that's my song.
i want to DIE to that song. when i am watching the world fade, i hope i hear that beautiful song.
i am just really really suicidal tonight. it is bad. i want to cut or burn. prefer to burn but i'm scared it
will get infected again and then i'll have to get medical attention. that sucked. the Dr. was such an
asshole last time and everyone knew about it. i had to lie constantly and it just wasn't worth the
a little more than temporary relief. and cut? i dont know.............
OK I AM BACK ON AGAIN. well. i did cut. so. :( i have to say though. ineed to get my sleep schedule fixed.
i'm up til at least 4 am every fucking night. it sucks. i hate this. night.
i have to get up at 6 in order to be to work on time. :P tonight i had class. it was good. i went to
dennys to see some friends that are leaving for school soon. that was really nice too. i feel so sad
though becuase i will miss them. and i am going to be left behind like i always am. always. always.
i'm tired. night
i didn't sleep last night. i laid in bed just....fucking thinking. it sucked so bad. i had some light sleep for a little bit
but only the type of sleep where you can still control what you're thinking.
my friends left today. it was sad but today was ok. them leaving made me think that i can do something
with myself while they're gone. i am going to try to stop being so dependent and focus on myself
more than i have been. when they come back i want to be different. i hope i can do it.
i am really really ok tonight! it is sooo great! :) yeah! i was hardly suicidal at all today and i didn't even think about cutting really.
i saw an old friend and that was nice too.
today was fine, i went shopping with one of my friends and i worked. i went to a bonfire at night w/ some co-workers. cool cool. but it's fucking late! i have to go!
i wanted to cut SO bad but i didn't--that is VERY good. i haven't much this month now that i look back in my diary. i'm proud of myself.
i was pretty suicidal today, but not horribly. my old best friend came to see me at home before she left for school. that was
nice but pretty sad. i hate change and i hate the fact that things like friendship eventually
disintigrate. *SIGH* oh well. i accept it. i miss my best friend who is at school.
ok it's so late. i'm tired. i'm sad. more later. no cutting tonight but i want TO SO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( so fucking bad. but i'm so tired. i SUCK.
it's late and it will be much later before i go to bed. i worked today and i am sad. i cried at work today. it was busy and i was so stressed out. we were short of help
and everyone needed me to help them. i didn't get my breaks and i was just fucked in the head.
FUCK TODAY good night oh and i'm pretty sure i'll cut tonight i cant deal with this anymore. i am so lonely right now.
i suck. i HATE MYSELF AND I wNAT TO DIE TONIGHT I HATE LIFE I HATE THIS I HATE THISSSSSSSSSDFJDLSKJFKLDSJFLKDJFLKDjf
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK I HATE ME MEM EMEMEMEMEME. FUCK YOU FUCK HTEM FUCK EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE AND FUCK .
today i flipped otu at my parents. i had to work and before i left i just flpped they didnt' even do anything.
i just screamed. and screamed. i didn't even say anything at first. i just screamed til my throat ached becuase there were so many horrible unthinkable emotions in me and i wanted to die so bad.
i yelled DAD I HATE YOU> I HATE YOU ALL I FUCKING HATE YOU ALL HATTE YOU HATE YOU i said NO ONE EVER LISTENS TO ME NO ONE CARES NO ONE CAN HEAR ME
WELL LISTEN TO ME NOW @!KLJLKFJSLDFj LISTEN TO ME NOW nad i spit on the floor and ran outside and slammed the door and it broke. and i was bawlign and so sad.
nothing is here for me. ihave nothign to lose. honestly. i do not care to live any longer. i have NO DESIRE TO GO ON>
i feel this huge hole in me and NOTHIGN fills it. i try. i overeat and i smoke and i smoke pot and
i shop and i go with my firends and do everythign i can. and nothing helps me.
i think i might need to go in the the hospital tonight. i dont know. maybe . al i know is that this i s otu of contorl.
i hate this. i will definitely cut though. no doubt about that. and VERY BADLY BECUASE I AM A VERY BAD BAD FGIRL AND I DESERVE THIS ALL good night.
AS FOR YOU, PERSON WHO THINKS THEY ARE IMPORTANT TO ME, GO TO FUCKING HELL BITCH I HAET YOU SO MUCH BECUASE I CARED ABOUT YOU AND NOW I DON'T HAVE YOU BECUASE YOU FOUND BETTER FUCKING THINGS TO DO. IN MY WORST MOMENTS YOU LEFT ME. AND THAT'S OK BECUASE YOU CAN GO FUCK THE HELL OUT OF ALL OF THOSE BOYS YOU CARE SO MUCH FOR WHILE YOUR "BEST FRIEND" IS SLOWLY KILLING HERSELF AWAY. BITHC I FUCKING HATE YOUR GUTS AND I WISH I COULD TELL YOU HOW MUCH I WANT TO DIE BITHC BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH I'M MISS WORLD SOMEBODY KILL ME KILL ME PILLS NO ONE CARES MY FRIEND. KILL GIRLS WATCH I EAT ETHER SUCK ME UNDER SUCK SUCKE SUCK SUCK MAYBE FOREVER MY FUCING FRIEND I MADE MY BED I'LL DIE IN IT I MADE MY BED I'LL DIE IN IT. FUCK YOU FUCK YOUUUUU I HATE YOU IF YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE THEN FEEL WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO HAVE TO GASH OPEN YOUR ARM EVERY NIGHT TO KEEP BREATHING AND TO HAVE TO SHUT OFF YOUR BRAIN SO YOU CAN TALK WITHOUT SCREAMING EVERYTHING THAT IS RUNNING THROUGH YOUR BRAIN. EVERY FUCKING BAD THOUGHT EVERY POUND OF PAIN THAT IS WEIGHING ME DOWN BRINGING ME DOWN TEARING ME DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN DOWN YOU ALL RIP ME DOWN DOWN DOWN LIKE A SLIT WRIST I WRITHE AND I WRINKLE THE BEST IS YET TO COME WITH MY RAZORS FUCK YOU BITCH I HATE YOU I CAN'T STOP THINKING OF YOU AND HOW YOU ABUSED ME AND YOU LEFT ME AND HURT ME AND I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU TWISTED EVERYTHING AROUND SO THAT I FELT AT FAULT AND TO BLAME THE DIRT AND GUILT PUT IT ALL ON ME BITCH. IT IS NOT MY FAULT YOU WHORE . YOU DID THIS YOU MADE THIS YOU SUCKED ME OUT AND DOWN AND OUT AND I AM NOTHING NOW!!!!!! NOTHING!! YOU STUPID FUCKING SLUT I HATE YOU. and as i write this i realize i am just talking to myself. myself. writing this does me no good and i can't cry til they all go to bed or they'll know my vulnerabilities. but honestly i have nothing and no one. i wish i had the courage to write all the peoples' names on here. all the people who have killed me inside and haven't thought twice. all the people who don't care that they have hurt me because they know i'll keep being the sweetheart i FUCKING AM to their faces because i don't want to HURT THEM. the people who know that they can walk all over me and leave me til a convienent time for them becuase i always wait in the dirt with my cunt spread wide and my legs all cut up and my arms all gashed and my eyes wet and red. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU i hate myself i wish a thousand people would hit me and hurt me and twist my neck off and pull out my hair. beat me and rape me and pull out my insides just the insides because there is nothing else in there. i have no soul and no end or a beginning. RAPE ME YOU FUCKERS YOU HAVE ALREADY BITcHES. i hate everyonehonestly i do. i hate the hospitals that never work and i hate the paper or the keyboadr that lets me let all this shit out because really it shouldn't be out SO IT CAN HURT PEOPLE BECUSE GOD FUCKING FORBID I HURT ANYONE even though they all hurt me. i have never had one person NOT LET ME DOWN. they all do and they ALL LEAVE ME my mommy hates me and my daddy never has loved me and my sister thinks i am the lowest life form to ever move on this filthy earth and i know that everyone is right. and it hurts me more than anything to know that they are all right. that everything would be better if i died. but i am too fucking afraid and too stupid to kill myself THE BITCH that is me. i am the stupid CUNT SLUT WHORE.oh my god i hurt so bad i hurt i hurt SOMEBODY HOLD ME PLEASE I HAVE NO ONE I CAN T TASTE OR FEEL OR THINK OR HEAL HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME HELP ME I HATE THIS i have this feeling of HORRIBLE ANGUISH in my stomach and i can hardly bear it i feel like i am drowning in the pain the misery and the aloneness. i keep beggin for someone to hug me and listen to me but no one does. everyone knows i am in pain and htey all know that i am dy8ing insdie and no one LOOKS NO ONE TURNS AROUND FROM THEIR BOYFRIENDS AND THEIR SCHOOL AND THEIR WORK AND THEIR PASSION THEIR PROBLEMS THEY ALL DO THEIR OWN THING AND WAVE GOODBYE TO ME AS I DROWN and it hurts. i hope one day everyone i know feels this pain. i hope for ONE second that they feel this horrible burning in their stomach. this lack this emptiness this bottomless pain that you konw will never quench itself. the feeling that if you walk out that door nad never come back no one will miss you. no one will care because you don't matter. i dont. i know that now. i really do and i want to believe what i was taught, that i am unique and special like a snowflake like we learned in kindergarten and i want to believe that but i know it is a lie tonight. i can tell. NOTHING NOTHING i disown you i disown you i disown YOU ALL FUCKERS
can't sleep..even wtih my meds. god last time i wrote in here i was really sad. :( that was a really bad night. it makes me cry to read that so i won't.
i'm going to bed now. i have to go to a concert tomorrow. i feel not that ugly today. not pretty, but i dont feel so repulsive today. that is nice for a change.
I went to a concert tonight, Travis. It was pretty good. not totally my style of music..or i don't know.
just wasn't in the mood for that, especially since my last "real" concert was Sunny Day Real Estate..
nothing will compare to that. but it was a nice night, and i had fun with my friends. we stopped at the pumphouse diner and that was cool.
we just had a fun night and i am not that sad tonight. well i am kind of. but like...well like the last time i wrote,
that is me letting myself GET that bad. sometimes i just let myself go, let myself REALLY FEEL. most the time i don't, becuase if i did, i would be slashed up
and in the hospital or dying all the time. if i really let myself feel all the time, i would be in bed crying or cutting all the time, basically immobile. :(
I can't explain what happened on the 17, because threre wasn't anything specific. just feeling lonely and isolated i guess.
and angry, obviously. i am very angry, and as i skim that, i guess it shows. what is wrong with me....i dont know. i want this all to STOP. i was supposed to call the hospital today to see about enrolling but i didn't. my parents said if i dont get a date set for my entrance, then i have to start paying rent-40 bucks a week. fuckers. but i do understand becuase i need to get into this program. i have been cutting everyday for about a month now. obviously it's not getting better. i am going now, it's nearing 4am.
i decided that i am goign to start taking that stuff that makes you induce vomiting now, after i eat i mean. i need to lose weight.
it's a fucked up date today..01-10-01. weird. i'm all fucked up. i don't know what i want or how i feel. i want to be stable. i want to be happy by myself. i want to be with a thousand people yet i want to be alone. i want a boyfriend. i want someone to hold, someone to hold me back. i want a constant person in my life. i want constant things. none of this fade in fade out shit, abandonment then return. i need some sort of stability and i'm just not finding it lately. i feel out of control in a way. i want to cut but i don't really want to cut. i haven't cut much lately. it's good but it's bad too. i have kept myself so busy over the last months that i can't even think or feel really. i miss certain things. i think i am losing myself. i dont even think i have a self. i think i am nothing, seriously. i think that i dont have anything that i actually am, i feel like i am a bunch of bullshit and skin and some shit in my head and i am a bundle of hurt. i feel like absolutely nothing. i really despise myself. i hate the way i look, i hate the way i move, i hate the way i am. i hate teh way i speak, the way i am nothing. when people tell me they don't like themselves, it's like....do you REALLY? because i wonder if anyone else truly despises themself the way i hate myself. i would never ask anyone if i look ugly or fat, because i know, i always do. i would never ask anyone about myself, because i don't want to hear it clarified out loud that it's true. i know the truth, that i am repulsive and disgusting and horrible awful waste shit fuck ugly fat wretched dirty whore slut cunt bitch slut waste waste but i just wish that other people saw things differently. but i know they don't.
i wish i coudl be in the hospital. i can't. i dont have health insurance because i'm not in school full time. so i have to sit outside in the real world. i miss the cranberry juice and the set bedtimes and the luxury of having no responsibilities. i like the feeling of never having to fake it, not even that, because i dont fake it in the "real world". i like the fact that they WANT you to show how you feel. i feel comfortable (not really, but moreso there than out here) showing how i feel...i need some comfort, some reassurance.
some REAL reassurance. fuck.
i want to cry. but i dont want to. i want to die, i would if i wasn't so afraid. god i would. i want to eat. but i'm already disgustingly fat. i want to cut but it hurts me in a thousand ways everytime i do. and i'm sick of hiding it. so sick of that. i'm sick of being scared i'll kill myself and i'm sick of having blood on my bedsheets. that's really all it is. i'm afraid right now of what i could do. i am lonely really. very lonely. what can i do to get out of this? who can i turn to?
the answer is no one. i have fucked everything up. so i have nothing.
kill me someone, god please kill me tonight and take me to silence. not nothing, just peace. give me peace and quiet and give me numb. please god. if you exist give me the loss of suffering. i am tired. if you are reading this people, and you fucking even care ONE FUCKING bit then tell me. seriously. no one does. ever. if you think that you even care a little. pLEASE. just tell me you do. i just need to hear it now. please. please. seriously i am BEGGING to hear ONE FUCKING PERSON SAY THAT THEY FUCKING CARE and MEAN IT.
if you dont care. then just sit there and dont say anything because if i dont need one thing it is to hear a lie. i have to go and do some fucking CUTTING because that is all there is.
1) I am a person. Like everyone else. i am different from everyone, but innately i am the same. most likely people don't look at me and think what a fucking freak. i am pretty normal overall and i am EQUAL to other people. i tend to think of myself as some type of disease. i feel very inferior to most everyone and i didn't even realize it until tonight-how bad my self-esteem really is.
2) I set a lot of limits on myself. I don't realize that i can be anything i want, look how i wnat, go where i want. i really can, and as simple of a thought as it may be, to REALLY truly grasp that concept, was amazing.
3) Beauty really is in the eyes of the beholder. in my daze of drugs and lack of sleep, i stared at two girls. one was typically beautiful, skinny, blonde, pretty, tan. the other girl was definitely pretty, but not the *perfect* weight, her hair was messy, etc. at first i kept looking at the typically beautiful girl, but after awhile my attention was drawn more to the other more plain girl. the longer i looked the more beautiful the plain girl became, and soon she began to glow like the sun, her hair radiant and wild, she was just gorgeous. and the typically beautiful girl faded into the background, she began to look like everyone else in the world....i know this is a very shallow example of beauty-beauty TOTALLY is within, i honestly mean & feel that, but physical beauty is the same way i think. interesting is so much better than beautiful. a good realization, since i am more the former than the latter. :)
but goodnight, goodnight.
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