First off I would like to dispell the general feeling you might have from looking at this page. I am not ALWAYS unhappy nor does the fact that i cut influence every part of my life. I have times when i am ok, or just in a "normal" mood. those times (at times) can be rare, but i DO have them. I would also like to say that this page was inspired by the fact that there aren't very many personal pages on self-mutilation, and so i thought i would make one. it has proven to be a nice outlet for me, and helpful to people (though just a handful of people, it has helped some...good enough for me). ok now on with it....

This is a page about me. What you can't find out on the other pages, you can find out here. I am an 18 year old girl who graduated this year from high school. I have had a little bit of college, but have been overall unable to do it right now due to my instability. I started this page about a year to a year and a half ago. I am pretty normal, besides having a mental illness (which they refuse to pinpoint, because I am "too young"). I don't want to indentify myself because I don't want my family to find out about this page because I know they would be hurt and offended and also it would just be humiliating for me. I have cut for about 4 or 5 years now I think. That is a guess though. I really don't know how old I was. And it doesn't really matter anyways I suppose.
I have a lot of friends but I am generally very lonely and I feel misunderstood/uncared for most of the time. I have problems with intimate relationships because of my own internal problems. Being bisexual hasn't helped my situation at all. I was really confused for a long time about my sexuality, but now I feel a lot better about it. Unfortunately, I have to keep it a secret from my parents because they are SO homophobic that when they found out I was dating a girl, they tried to send me to "Exodus," which is a Christian camp that makes people straight. EK.
I have dated mainly girls for a few years now (with a few boy exceptions)...I dated this girl from Rochester for 9 months..I loved her a lot. but it just didn't work out. I still like guys but it just seems like I can connect with girls better, and I'm attracted to girls, so HEY! it works out. *sigh* I love music and it is the main thing that has kept me alive for this long. I go to concerts with a great frequency-almost once a week I'd say. I play several instruments and i sing as well. I also love art and my favorite artists the Guerella Girls, whom are feminist artists who make amazing art promoting equality. I think i am an exciting person to be around most of the time because i am impulsive and chaotic. I am not the type to mope about when with people-because i HATE when people are like that. People always ask me how I am always always always in a good mood. I guess I appear to be. But I really don't fake the way I act overall, I just am really messed up when I'm alone most of the time, and I don't want to bother other people with my shit. I don't think people really care and I think that people have their own stuff to deal with. I could go on and on about everything I think without actually getting to ME, so i'm just going to answer some generic questions:

favorite color: green
favorite movie: Boys don't cry, the cell, american beauty (yes, they are all new movies, but i thought they were all moving emotionally)
favorite music: Sunny Day Real Estate, Tori Amos, Ani DiFranco, Hole, lots of riot girl stuff....i would list more but they are "underground bands" that aren't popular and if people i knew saw this page they would know it was me..sorry i'm paranoid
favorite smell: fresh sheets..coffee. flowers.
favorite food: probably popcorn and spaghetti & meatballs--ice cream TOO! :)
favorite book: mmm. shit. maybe....well i love stephen king and edgar allen poe. anything they write.
favorite types of people: people that are messed up. i like to help people. and even though it sounds weird that i like messed-up people, they generally understand ME more and are more willing to listen. They also tend to be more open-minded to things. I like people who are sensitive to other people's feelings and who are trustworthy and loyal. basically i like what everyone likes in a person.
favorite place: i love dennys, that's where i hang out with my friends most :) i like to be outside by myself when it's kind of chilly and i can see my breath in the air. i like the feeling of cold. I also have this place in my mind i have invented...i go there sometimes when i can't handle everything in my life. it helps sort of.
favorite memory: When i was younger, probably about 10 or something, i was riding my bike and i felt the air rushing through my hair and i felt so free...and so GOOD and happy. It was exhilirating. I have never felt so happy in my entire life. The whole event was not even a big deal...but the feeling was. I will always remember that feeling. The only other time I have felt close to that great was after the sunny day real estate concert. I felt like i was flying...i was so enthralled with the feeling of happiness. it's a good feeling
i hate:
the color: pea green. ew.
movie: "Left Behind" it's a christian movie that was made so that after the rapture occurs, the SINNERS who are left behind will find the movie and watch it so they know where all the christians went and they become christians too. it's scary and annoying and pretentious.
music: heavy metal..like REALLY heavy metal, hootie and the blowfish, 3rd eye blind, the wallflowers
smell: this diet soup my mom makes. it is SO gross. i despise it. it makes the house smell for weeks afterwards. and it looks like vomit. i also hate the smell of feet. eww.
food: i hate cottage cheese and raisins.
book: i hate the book "life's a bowl of cherries, so why am i in the pits?". it's a christian book *notice the christian hated theme here ? my parents are ultra-religious!* about being sad and how god can help you get over it. pisses me off.
this type of person: People who think they know everything. people who are cocky or people who don't care who they hurt. people who are out there to satisfy themselves only and people who are insensitive. people who tell you how to get better when they don't even know what's going on. people who ask you what happened to your arm. people who have no TACT.
place: church. it makes me so depressed. i don't know why. it makes me feel dirty and sinful and just out of place. :(
worst memory: any time my parents flipped out on me in the past, past christmas' with my relatives, the ONE time i attempted suicide....that makes me want to cry...

my favorite things in the world are feeling special, being held by anyone...hugs and kisses from my friends....people asking me how i'm doing, people i hardly know doing random acts of kindness... p>