November 13th,2000

Hi guys, long time no talk eh? I'm sorry been working and stuff, dealing with a lot of things. Last night a lot of things came out and a lot of tears were shed.

Alfred left to go home and should have called within the next hour and a half but didn't, approximitly 2 hours later the phone rings (1:40am) and I half asleep answer the phone knowing exactly who it is. So I start to talk to him and he says I've got to go, and I'm like HUH? I asked him what is wrong and he wouldn't talk to me. Then he hung up on me, I called back a few times and he wouldn't answer the phone by this time I was bawling my eyes out. Finally he answered the phone. And to make a long story short we almost broke up last night because he feels like he has let me down! Nuh uh no way has he let me down, he is the only person in my life that hasn't let me down.

I think if I didn't talk to him we would broke up because there would of been no one to tell him that he hasn't let me down. We also spoke about my sex drive problem (for more info read "THE PROBLEM" a few entries back) that has caused a lot of stress between us because he feels like I don't want to be touched but damnit I want nothing more than to be touched by him.

I explained to him that my heart wants him in every way possible but my head doesn't want the sexual stuff, and always there are the memories of what the others have done to me. My head is always reminding me of what has happened to me. I really hate that I have to punish Alfred for what happened to me in the past by other people! We were both in tears on the phone and we didn't get off the phone until 3:30am and even then he didn't want to let me go. Man I need him here right now!

After last night I realize I can lose him so easly and I will not let that happen, he means so much to me that I can't even express how much! I told him just how much I love him and need him in my life. I love you *AEL* and don't you ever forget that! I'm sorry for not writing sooner but I've been busy and still am! HUGS! Miss you guys!