SUJI: A life that was MNR

Hawapani

- extracted from an article written by my batch mate - 'Arnab Battacharya'

The universe, they say, is made up of five elements viz. air, water, fire, earth and space. However, inhabitants of an entirely different world (read MNR), people with superior intelligence, so to speak, consider everything to consist of only two things, air and water. Air and water, they believe, when mixed in equal proportions make what is popularly known as ‘Hawapani’

The universe, they say, is made up of five elements viz. air, water, fire, earth and space. However, inhabitants of an entirely different world (read MNR), people with superior intelligence, so to speak, consider everything to consist of only two things, air and water. Air and water, they believe, when mixed in equal proportions make what is popularly known as ‘Hawapani’

‘Hawapani’ is not just a word. MONERECONS insist, it is a phenomenon. The person who coined this term must have been one of the rare birds whose diet included generous amounts of fish (supposed to work wonders for the grey matter), for the neology could explain just about everything. To denounce Einstein’s theory of relativity as utter hawapani (read humbug) will be the work of a minute. Such is the latitude of usage of the word that any self respecting lexicographer would want his dictionary to have it mentioned as a special entry. A wild thought yes, but the entire Oxford lexicon can be reduced to may be one-third its present size simply by adding this word. Hawapani can be used to describe just about anything under the big, blue sky – be it a pastor’s sermon to a little boy caught skipping school, a warden’s stern warnings to the student sneaking out of the hostel in the dead of the night or a wife’s protests about the neighbour’s husband getting a raise at work … Little wonder then, the students at MNR intending to enter the word in the Book of Records as one with the highest number of meanings, discounting the fact that not one of them makes absolute sense ! In fact, it is extremely puzzling for a layman to understand the nuances of the word. For instance, you could be in hawapani or yourself  be one! The rules of English grammar carry no import as it can take the form of a noun, verb, adjective … anything you want. A straightforward definition would read like this: anything that’s not what it should be. Now there it goes confusing the old noggin again! Let me give you an example to clear the fog a bit. A hullabaloo in the hostel at 10 o’clock in the night that the semester results have been declared and pasted on the walls of the canteen will have (believe it or not) all the inmates scurrying to the canteen like mice behind the pied piper. Now that is instance or pure, unadulterated hawapani. MNR naturally has the lion’s share when it comes to hawapani.

Here are chronicled some glaring instances.

Registration every semester  makes one wonder why people cannot store the information about you once in the first semester. It beats me to think anyone would go around swapping names, parents, houses and what not!

Practicals: There are two genres here. You have machines which function and ones that don’t. And wonder of wonders, you do your experiments using instruments and machines that seem a throwback to the stone age! And gets results to verify the theories!

Viva Voce: A clean, close shave for the guys and a dash of make-up for the girls is the prescribed route to success. A know-it all look is of course mandatory. As for the questions, hey, you aren’t expected to know the answers. How else do you think you are going to please the examiner (pander to his/her ego I mean)!

Tutorials and Practical Records: Now, if you can’t do things on your own, what’s the neighbor for? And if you happen to get absurd answers like a negative value of distance. Well, a good laugh isn’t going to harm your constitution. Is a different matter that you will be ceremoniously evicted from class.

Swimming: Conjures up wonderful, cool images does it? Hold it buddy, look before you leap is an adage you would want to keep in mind here. Unless of course you are contemplating something serious!

A word of caution, I suppose merits mention. If you end up dishing too much of it, you run the grave risk of being tagged a “chatu” (another species found in plenty on planet MNR) And for this very reason, I think it will be in the best of my interests to sign off now. Here’s to the word which has lit our life in four years of otherwise jejune existence. Hawapani ho!

P.S.: The author begs to state in absolutely unambiguous terms that all comments regarding features of college qualify as hawapani without reservation whatsoever.