Alpha And Omega

~*~

"Kevin!" Someone was suddenly shaking him. "Kevin! It's just a dream, wake up!"

Kevin woke up with a start to find A.J. staring down at him with wide, anxious eyes. His forehead was slick with perspiration, his hair slightly matted, his cheeks flushed from heat, his clothes damp, the stark white sheets twisted uncomfortably around him from Kevin twisting and turning between them while he was dreaming. And such a dream it was, like it was real, almost too real for comfort. Comfort, well. He certainly wasn't comfortable at this very moment, not in the condition that he was in. Firstly, his wrists were killing him with pain, more so than usual. His head was now spinning, throbbing, aching. His heart was racing madly. His breathing was heavy, stagnant and fast-paced. All in all, he was not a very comfortable man.

A.J. frowned, hovering over Kevin in the hospital bed. "Are you okay, buddy?"

Kevin stared up into the eyes of his saviour, and didn't know exactly what to feel or what to say to him. There were so many things that needed to be said between them. A thank you, for starters. But did he really want to thank A.J. for saving him? He wasn't entirely sure. A little voice inside him said that it should show him that he's loved, that he's cared for, cared about. But was that really true? He wasn't entirely sure about that, either. He wasn't sure about anything these days. Everything was just so confusing for him, almost overbearing.

Kevin nodded. "Yes." He sat up and scanned the room quickly. "Where's Nick?"

A.J. quickly took a seat beside Kevin's bed, the seat that Nick had been sitting on for his whole duration in Kevin's room, holding his hand, apologising, crying, promising, caring, perhaps even loving. "He's taking a much needed sleep. Poor guy's been awake for almost forty-eight hours." He stared closer at Kevin. "How are you, Kevin? Really?"

Kevin shrugged. "Alive, aren't I?"

A.J. rolled his eyes, sighing in exasperation. "Come on, Kevin, don't bullshit me. How are you?"

Kevin sighed too, though angrily. "How am I suppose to feel?" he exclaimed. "You tell me how I'm suppose to feel, A.J. If you were in my situation, you tell me."

A.J. shook his head in disbelief, his mouth falling open in horror. He hadn't expected Kevin to be this bitter with him, particularly with him after saving his life. Something was wrong, something inside Kevin was wrong, and he was determined to find out. "You know, Kevin, you're not alone."

"Yeah, right," Kevin scoffed, waiting for A.J. to give him a motivational speech about how every loved him and needed him and was so desperately sorry. Yeah right, they were sorry, and yeah right, they needed him. He'd see straight through it. He wasn't stupid. "I'm alone, A.J. That's the way it's always been, and that's the way it always will be. I'm alone, A.J. Alone. But tell me something. Ever felt so alone, so disgusted with yourself, so loathing of yourself, that you don't even want to look in the mirror? That you don't want to get up in the morning? That you would feel that the best remedy came in the form of a knife?"

A.J. nodded. "Yeah, they're called demons and you've just got to fight those demons inside yourself," he advised softly. "And believe me, I know it's no easy task. I battled those little cretins for years, and they sure as hell don't go down without putting up one hell of a fight. But the difference between you and me is that you have someone who feels your pain, you have someone who knows exactly what you're going through. I didn't."

"But - "

A.J. silenced him with his hand. "I know what you're going through, Kevin, don't try and make me believe that you're the only one who can help yourself, and to a degree, that's true. But you need the support of your friends, and that's why I'm here. To be the friend that you were to me when I had troubles, so I can now be the friend to you with yours. And don't pretend that you're not hurting, because I know you are, more than you're letting on. Kevin, I'm good at reading expressions, and I know that what's lurking inside you is something that's cut into your heart so deep that you think you can't go on." He paused, his eyes lighting up. "You can continue, Kevin, you really can."

Kevin shook his head in despair. "It's not so easy, A.J.," he said tearfully. "I wish it was, but it's not."

A.J. was silent for a few moments, his eyes staring directly into Kevin's, meeting Kevin's and feeling as though, somehow, they were kindred spirits, joined together by hurt and pain that they'd both gone through, and that Kevin was about to conquer. "You know, I blamed everyone for my problems. I blamed my family for not loving me enough. I blamed God for not looking out for me and protecting me from hurt. God, I blamed the whole world, because I thought that everyone was against me. But you know what? I never realised until it was almost too late that, all along, I was blaming the wrong person."

"What do you mean?" Kevin asked.

A.J. patted his chest. "Me. I never blamed myself. I blamed everyone but myself, when I was the reason for my problems. I was asking the wrong questions. I asked why my friends hated me. I asked why God never answered me when I prayed to him. I asked why I couldn't just pack up and leave. I asked why my family was always upset with me for what I was doing. But you know what? Just like I blamed the wrong people, I was asking the wrong questions."

"What's that?"

"Was anything I was doing making me happy," A.J. answered solemnly. "Was anything I was doing helping me. Was anything I was doing making me better. And it wasn't. And I almost found that out when it was too late." He placed his hand over Kevin's. "Don't be like me, Kevin. Don't do what I did. Stop this from happening to yourself, while you still have the chance. Stop hating yourself. Stop wanting to hurt yourself for what you've done. You've been punished enough, believe me."

Suddenly, Kevin broke down into tears, bowing his head and sobbing his heart out, just like he had wanted to all that time ago when A.J. had confronted him about the bruises on his face. He cried heart-wrenchingly, and A.J.'s eyes filled with tears at the sight of Kevin's and rubbed his shoulder consolingly, advising softly that he let it all out, that it was the best thing to do, the best thing for him, and Kevin did. For the first time in a long time, Kevin was finally letting out all his pain and hurt and anger in the form of tears that were rushing down his cheeks like a raging river. A.J. continued to comfort him, patting him on the shoulder and saying soft and calming words to him. He had his hand still placed over Kevin's and the other on his shoulder, patting and rubbing gently while Kevin cried much-needed tears.

When Kevin's tears of hurt, pain and agony eventually subsided, A.J. asked quietly, "Has anything you've done made you feel better? Has your several attempts of killing yourself made this situation better? Has anything you've done made you a better man, a happier man?"

Kevin shook his head, wiping his tears away furiously and sniffling back another river of tears. "N-n-noooo," he stuttered. "But do you know what I've done? Do you know what I've done to Nick? God, and the fact that he can forgive me so easily, and I can forgive him is so..." He paused, sniffling again. "Just..."

"Simple," A.J. answered. "I mean, I can't begin to imagine what it would be like to find my wife in bed with my best friend or if I could retaliate in the way that you did, but I'm trying to understand and I think that when I put myself in your shoes, I can see how you must've felt." He curled his fingers around Kevin's palm. "I can understand how you were scared of what you were turning into when you found yourself falling in love with Nick - "

"You have no idea," Kevin whispered. "No idea."

"And," A.J. continued, as though Kevin hadn't said a word, "I know that you two hated each other so much that you subconsciously needed each other, in Nick's words. But I can also understand why the two of you were hurting each other so much in the beginning, why you both felt it was necessary to hurt each other with something that's supposed to be an act of love."

Kevin frowned. "Huh?"

"Well, Nick said that in the beginning, the two of you were really brutal with each other and used sex as a way to hurt each other, not love each other," A.J. explained in a soft voice. "And I understand that, but - "

"Wait a minute, wait a minute," Kevin interrupted. "Nick said that?"

"Yes."

Kevin's mouth dropped open. He couldn't believe it. Somehow, somewhere, along the way, Nick had lied. Nick had covered for him. Nick had made it seem as though they were both responsible, when the truth was that it had all been Kevin's doing. It had been only Kevin that had been hurting Nick in the beginning. It had been Kevin that had made it seem as though he was raping him in the beginning, not loving him. It was Kevin that had been physical and rough and almost brutal, to the point of battery, with Nick, not the other way around or not even done by the both of them.

Somewhere along the way, Nick had changed the story and told it to make it seem like they were both hurting each other. Nick had amended the story to make it seem as though they were both the bad guys, not just Kevin. And somewhere along the way, maybe Nick had fallen in love with him, too, just like Kevin had fallen in love with Nick. And then he came to a conclusion which seemed to be the most likely one to Kevin.

Nick was trying to save him.

A.J. raised his eyebrows inquisitively. "What? What's wrong?"

Kevin shook his head, to snap himself out of the shock that was washing over his entire body. "Nothing, it's nothing."

A.J. frowned and took his hand away from Kevin's to fold his arms. "Kevin, don't start that nothing bullshit with me again. It's happened once before, and look where you ended up!"

"No it's just..." Kevin cleared his throat to rid it of the lump that was forming. "No, really, A.J., it's nothing. I'm serious. I was just in shock that Nick told you the whole story."

A.J. eyed him sceptically. "Are you sure this time that it's nothing?"

Kevin nodded. "Yes."

A.J. sat back in his chair, still eyeing Kevin sceptically. He pressed his fingertips together in a sign of deep thought. "All right," he relented softly, his eyes still eyeing Kevin suspiciously, however. "I believe you. But I've got some good news for you, to cheer you up."

If anything really could.

"What's that?" Kevin asked tiredly, his eyes small and weary, his body almost succumbing to its fatigue. The drugs he was on didn't really allow him to be awake for more than a little while at a time and after that, he started becoming drowsy and his head began to spin, not to mention how severe his wrists were hurting him. "What is it?"

A.J. smiled. "The doctor said you're making a quick recovery and you can leave in the next day or two." He raised his eyebrows. "Happy?"

Kevin shrugged. "Guess so."

"Good, because I've got another surprise for you," A.J. announced. "Actually, this one's outside waiting for you."

Kevin narrowed his eyes. The last thing he wanted was a surprise. "What is it?"

"Not what, but who," A.J. corrected. "Well, actually it's not really a surprise. It's only Brian and Howie. I think it's time you had a talk with them, don't you think? I mean, when you leave here, you're going to have to talk to them eventually, tell them what has happened between you and Nick, make them understand. I'm sure they will, Kevin, you know they will."

"Yeah, right, I'd say running out is a good sign of understanding," Kevin replied, rolling his eyes. "They won't understand, I know they won't. They're still going to hate me, probably even more so now than then because of what Nick told them. What's the point in explaining if I know how they're going to react? I might as well save myself the goddamn heartache and trouble because I know they're still going to hate me!"

Instead of yelling back, A.J. unexpectedly chuckled. He covered his mouth almost immediately when he saw Kevin's angry expression. "Sorry, Kevin, I'm sorry. You just looked so - well, anyway, let me tell you something. I hated you for what you did, but not for what you did to Nick, but for what you did to yourself. And if I hated you for what you did to Nick, it was only momentary. And besides, what is it with you and Nick thinking that everyone hates you guys?"

"I don't know," Kevin said softly.

"Like I said, Kevin," A.J. said and stood up to walk over to the door, "momentary hate is all it was." As he closed the door behind him, he added, "I couldn't really hate you, Kevin. None of us could, you know that."

Kevin sighed when the door closed softly and closed his eyes momentarily, a million and one thoughts rushing through his mind at a million miles. He wasn't sure if he was ready to see Brian and Howie, or if Brian and Howie were ready to see him. He didn't know if he was ready to explain the whole entire and sordid story to them, especially since now Nick had lied to cover for him, and a little voice was nagging at him as to why. Well, obviously Nick was covering for him so they would all stop hating him, but what did that mean? What did it mean that Nick was covering for him like that? Did it mean that Nick really did love him, as he had said? And how could he believe Nick again, after Nick had already confessed his love for Kevin and done what he had done? He didn't know how to believe it, not after everything that he had done to him, not after all the pain Nick had caused him.

But what about the pain you caused him?

Breaking him out of his deep line of thought, the door opened and Brian trepidatiously stuck his head through the gap before opening the door properly to reveal Howie standing behind him, his arms crossed tightly across his chest, a nervous expression on his face. They both stopped at the door, their eyes widening and their mouths falling open in horror at the sight of Kevin. They had never seen him like this before. So fragile. So weak-looking. So.....helpless, and needing. Usually it was Kevin that was strong and tough, not fragile and weak, and it scared them both to see how much he had really changed.

Kevin rolled his eyes. "At least you two are honest," he said softly.

Brian gasped, his hand covering his mouth in disbelief. He immediately regretted all the bad words and hateful remarks that he had said about Kevin in the past, and now, all he could think of was how weak he looked in that hospital bed, his eyes sunken, his face ashen. "God, I'm so sorry, Kevin. Whatever I've said, whatever I've done, I'm sorry."

Howie's voice was soft and lilting, his mind not registering anything but how Kevin looked. "Me, too," was all he could add. He wanted to say more, there were so many things he wanted to say to Kevin, but somehow the words would just not materialise. "Me, too."

Kevin nodded. Sure you are. "You guys want to sit down?"

"Sure," Brian replied and they both took a seat. Howie in A.J.'s chair, and Brian in Nick's. His eyes trailed over Kevin's body and sighed. "I really am sorry, Kevin, and I just want you to know that whatever's gone on between you and Nick is between you and Nick."

"We won't get in the way," Howie replied, the words suddenly finding themselves on his tongue again. "The two of you can deal with it together, without any of us involved. That's the best thing, that the two of you deal with the situation without any outside interference."

"The psychologist told us that," Brian added with a small smile.

Kevin raised his eyebrows. "Psychologist? What psychologist?"

Brian lowered his head shamefully. "That's why we haven't been here," he said quietly. "We've been talking to a well-respected psychologist who's had a lot of experience with this and ways to go about how we can all deal with this, and deal with it properly, with no secrets, no lies, no fighting, no name-calling, no beatings, and definitely no suicides."

How about adding, with no raping? Kevin shook his head, exhaling slowly. So that's why they hadn't turned up until now. They were talking to some random shrink about his problems and how weak he was! That made him feel just great. "Oh, I see. So...ummm..." He cleared his throat, and stared at Howie, then at Brian. "Do you hate me?" he whispered.

Howie shook his head wildly. "No!" he exclaimed. "God, how could you think that?"

"We would never hate you, Kevin," Brian said softly, reaching over and patting Kevin's hand. "Never."

"But - " Kevin felt like crying again. "But you hated me before."

"We were wrong, so wrong," Howie replied, shaking his head. "Now that we know everything, I feel like kicking my own ass for the things I said to you! And I'm sorry, Kevin, sorry for everything."

"I guess I should apologise," Brian said with a cheeky smile, to try and lighten things up and get Kevin to smile, at least. When he saw a small smile on Kevin's face, he laughed. "Ahhh! He smiled!"

"That's a great start," Howie said with a grin.

Kevin felt a tear running down his cheek for the millionth time, only this time it wasn't from sadness. "Thank you," he whispered. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," Brian said quietly, standing up and patting Kevin's arm. "We'll be back later because I think you're about to fall asleep."

Howie gave Kevin a small hug, speaking in a choked voice. "I'm sorry, Kevin, and I love you," he said softly, tears forming in his eyes. "I'm sorry," he added as they both made their way out of the room and gave Kevin one last smile before the door closed behind them.

And Kevin laid back against the pillows and closed his eyes, feeling just a tiny bit happy, which was a hell of a lot more happier than he had felt in a long, long time.

~**~