~*~

"He deserves to live. Life is precious and Kevin is precious, so he deserves to live."

Nick chanted this mantra in a soft voice to himself over and over again and feeling as though he was finally happy with himself, or at least that he was finding some peace within himself, inside his heart. Maybe Kevin was beginning to forgive him and maybe even trying to love him again, or at least trying to like him, at least. And that was all that he could expect from Kevin. He knew that Kevin wouldn't immediately forgive him, but Nick had a small hope inside himself, a small glimmer of hope, that maybe Kevin would try, that maybe Kevin would eventually forgive him for every thing he had done to him. They hadn't as yet talked it out properly, and the others didn't know that Nick had Kevin raped, or that whatever had made Kristin want Nick in the first place, but eventually everything would come out in the open and hopefully everything would start getting back to normal. At least he'd try. That was a good sign, wasn't it?

He pushed open the door of Kevin's hospital room and found the bed perfectly made, the room itself quiet and Kevin's bag on the floor next to the bed, Kevin himself strolling out of the adjoining bathroom, seeming pale but alive nonetheless. "What are you doing here?" he asked, stopping at the door at the sight of Nick. "Well, I mean, A.J. said - ."

Nick nodded. "Yeah, A.J. said that he and Brian and Howie had business to catch up on so here I am."

"Figures," Kevin mused to himself and walked over to the bed and leaned against it, staring directly at Nick. "So, I guess this is it, huh?"

Nick nodded again, though completely unaware as to why Kevin seemed so relaxed when just a day before he hadn't seemed that way. Maybe it was the fact that he was leaving made him feel a little better. Nick couldn't quite tell what it was, but Kevin was still pale, his voice was still very soft, and his eyes still had the same sunken effect to them. It was quite a frightening sight to see, but at least he was still alive. "The doctor said that you're okay now, but you still need someone to look after you when you get back to the hotel. Someone who'll have to stay in your room with you and make sure that you're all right, that you'll never do this to yourself again. A lot of medication came along with it, of course."

"Let me guess," Kevin said sardonically, picking up his bag and wincing slightly from the pain in his wrists. Even small exertion like that hurt. "You said you'd be my keeper, right?"

Nick stared at Kevin in surprise, hating the bitterness in his voice. Maybe all his hopes of Kevin even liking him again were just that, hope. Meaningless hope. Well, at least to Kevin, anyway. "Yeah, I did. Something wrong with not wanting you to die? I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but - "

Kevin sighed angrily. "Oh, shut up," he snapped and hoisted his bag over his shoulder and walked purposefully to the door. He opened it and turned around. "Are you going to leave or do you want to stay here, too?"

"Fine," Nick murmured and followed Kevin out of the room and down the corridor and out of the hospital. There was a dull, uncomfortable silence between them, that lasted until they returned to the hotel.

In any other circumstance, Nick would've loved the silence. After all, almost every night for years he had thousands of people screaming at him, so silence was a nice gift at times. But now, the silence was almost killing him, driving him insane. He wanted to scream a million things at Kevin, demand answers from him, but he understood why Kevin was being the way he was and just asking him would simply drive the dagger in further. It was because of him. Because he had Kevin raped, and because he was responsible for Kevin's lack of self-worth and self-love, making him feel as though life wasn't worth living. He knew that he was responsible, he'd admitted to that a long, long time ago. He knew that, and he'd told Kevin that, too, so why couldn't he see that Nick was trying to make amends? Trying to make things right between them again, trying to make things good? And sure, it had a lot to do with guilt and his conscience, but it also had a hell of a lot to do with him loving Kevin, and it always would.

Nick followed Kevin up the concrete entrance to the hotel, trailing a few steps behind him, simply nodding to the doormen in response to them nodding in a friendly way to begin with. They still hadn't said a single word to each other, not even in the smallest measurement, not even a single syllable, and when they stopped, waiting for the elevator doors to open, Nick turned slightly to stare at Kevin, who was looking away. There was still something haunting him, Nick knew that for sure. He could always read Kevin like a book. There was still something lurking within him, something that he didn't want to say, but Nick wanted to find out, so just like all the others pacts he'd made with himself, he made another one to himself to find out just what was still plaguing him.

Kevin stopped at the door to his room and turned around, finally saying something for the first time in what seemed like a million years. "Do you really have to do all that?" he asked, narrowing his eyes, obviously agitated. "I'm perfectly capable of looking after myself."

Nick shrugged, making it seem like Kevin had no other choice, had no say in the matter, and as far as Nick was concerned, he didn't. "Sorry, but that's the way it has to be," he said and pushed past Kevin and opening the door and holding it open for him. "You walk in, right?"

Kevin stared at Nick for several moments, green meeting blue in a dual, like they had done so many times before, but finally relenting with a sigh. It made him feel like he was incompetent, but still, Nick wouldn't be saying this if he didn't care, would he? Nick wouldn't say all that if he didn't mean it, would he? But Nick had said a lot of things in the past that he hadn't meant, so how was this any different? How could Kevin believe him after everything that had gone on between them? So many lies, so much hurt, so much pain, and just downright horrible things.

Just as Kevin was about to sit down on the couch, his eyes caught sight of the bathroom across the way. His eyes widened in horror, filling up with unshed tears, his lower lip trembled, his body starting to shake. He shook his head wildly. "N-no-ooooo..."

Nick frowned in confusion before he suddenly realised. Kevin was staring in at the bathroom where he'd attempted suicide. Well, it wasn't the same bathroom, it was a different room altogether, but it was still the same and the memory could still haunt him just as easily. Nick rushed to Kevin's side, taking hold of his arm and staring directly into his eyes. "Kevin, don't cry," he said softly, his heart aching to hold Kevin, to kiss Kevin and maybe, well, do a lot more than that, but he couldn't, not until Kevin made the first move. "It's okay, it's a different room. Don't cry, it's okay."

Kevin stood in the same place for several moments, his eyes still filled with tears, his whole body stagnant, still. Nick wondered if it was really a good thing that Kevin had been released from hospital, for there were still things that were plaguing him. Finally, Kevin nodded and sat down on the couch, looking tired and withdrawn, as though he didn't really want to be there, like he didn't really want to be anywhere. And Nick found it frightening, to see that much disorientation in Kevin, exuding from Kevin, and it hurt him to know that he had made Kevin like that. He had made Kevin want to kill himself. He had made Kevin into what he was, with everything that he had done to him, and his heart was beginning to hurt, just like he was sure that Kevin's wrists were hurting. Kind of symbolic, really.

Nick placed a hand on Kevin's shoulder. "Are you okay?"

Kevin's eyes drifted over to Nick's, to meet and penetrate. "You lied," he whispered, his face crumpling slightly. "You lied to them. Why?"

Nick sighed. "What does it matter now? So I told the story to make it seem as though I was just as responsible, big deal! And so what if you used to come into my room at night and hurt me? So what if you used to gag me to stop me from screaming? So what if you used to tie me up to stop me from fighting back? So what if you used to beat me? So what if you wanted revenge? And so what if you thought you had to rape me continuously to feel better?! I was screwing around with your wife, so technically, you had every goddamn right!"

Kevin's eyes narrowed into razor-thin slits. "You never told them you had me raped, either," he snapped. "Why, Nick? If you told them that much, why not the whole story, as true and fucked-up as it is! Why didn't you tell them the truth? Why didn't you just fucking tell them that I used to break into your room every night and rape and beat you until you were screaming and crying? Why didn't you tell them that I got fucked by some random asshole who thought me screaming while he was raping me was goddamn hilarious? Why didn't you tell them everything? Why, Nick? Why?!" he screamed.

Something inside Nick finally snapped. "Because I care about you!" he shouted, shoving Kevin away from him. A tear trickled down his cheek. "Because I care about you, Kevin! Because...because...I love you!"

"You know, Nick," Kevin said quietly, blocking out what Nick had said, staring down at his wrists, his eyes clouding over at the bandages tied tightly around them. "You never told me why you were sleeping with Kristin. And sure, you were just being a man, a typical male, but she was my wife! Why? Didn't our friendship mean anything to you? God, did I mean nothing to you? Was sex more important than the bond we used to have?"

"Kevin," Nick sighed, sitting down next to him and turning his body to Kevin's, trying his best to explain, though deep down inside himself, he didn't really think he had the words to explain. How could he explain why he had slept with Kristin, and not just once, but many, many times? He didn't know how to, he didn't know where to begin. "I tried to explain to you, but you were in a coma and it really hurt me to tell you everything, so please don't ask me to explain something I don't even know how to or even know where to begin."

Kevin shook his head in despair. "I deserve an explanation, don't you think? I mean, God, don't I deserve that much from you, after everything you've done to me?!"

"Don't throw this back in my face, Kevin," Nick warned, his blood beginning to boil, and his old hate and rage resurfacing again. "You know I'm sorry! I've tried to tell you how sorry I am, but you won't listen to me!"

Kevin fought strongly against a bitter retort against what Nick had just said, but he restrained himself. "I'm listening now."

Nick frowned in deep thought, not really sure what exactly what Kevin wanted from him. His heart? His remorse? His guilt? Surely Kevin knew that Nick was already feeling those things. He had to know that. "Like I said before, she said you didn't love her anymore. She said you didn't notice her like you used to, you didn't see that she was upset like you used to. She said that..." He paused. "Well, that...sex with you was...not good anymore." He ran his fingers through his hair. "God, I don't know, but what I do know was that she wanted me to love her, and I never had that before. Nobody wanted me to love them as much as she did. She treated me like a man, like you. She made me feel wanted, loved, needed. Do you know how many people wanted that from me? None."

"Didn't love her anymore..." Kevin trailed off, frowning in thought. And suddenly, something snapped in his mind. Something had finally hit him. A reason. For everything. "Shit, she knew all along." he whispered.

"What?" Nick asked, leaning closer to Kevin. "What are you talking about? What did she know all along?"

Kevin lowered his head, his breathing becoming stagnant, his chest tightening. "She knew I loved you," he whispered. "She was trying to hurt me, hurt us both."

"What?!" Nick exclaimed.

"No," Nick whispered and shook his head madly. "No! She loved me, Kevin! She loved me!"

Kevin shook his head sadly, knowing full well that this would be how Nick would react. He knew it only too well, for Nick was vulnerable, he was indeed what Kevin teased him as - a little boy. He had little boy feelings, he wasn't immune to this kind of game, and suddenly, he hated Kristin. He hated her for everything. "No, Nick, she didn't love you," he said softly, reaching out to touch his arm. "She was just trying to get back at me, for what I said."

"Fuck you!" Nick cried, pulling his arm away. "You're just fucking jealous because she loved me more than you! You're fucking jealous, and you were!"

"Nick, I'm not jealous. I never have been," Kevin said, still remaining to speak to him in a soft voice, and it amazed him to find that he wasn't screaming when in the past, he would have been. "She knew exactly what to say to you, what to do to you. She knew you were vulnerable, and she knew that you'd buy every line she threw out. Like you said, nobody loved you, so it was easy for you to believe that she did." He paused, staring into Nick's tearful eyes. "She played you, Nick. She played us both. She seduced you to get back at me, and she knew that I would be coming home that day when I caught you. Sure, I was home a little early, but she knew I would be there, and she knew that if I caught you, it would be the beginning of the end."

Suddenly, the tears spilled down Nick’s cheeks in heated rage and he jumped up, pacing the floor and screaming his lungs out. "STUPID BITCH!"

Kevin sighed and stood up, walking over to the wall that Nick was slumped against, amid his sobbing, and couldn't really think of anything to do but pat his shoulder. "You weren't wrong for loving her, Nick," he said softly. "I loved her, too. And we both believed in everything she said. So in a way, we were both gullible, but probably better off without her. She almost ruined us, Nick, and nobody messes with us and gets away with it."

Nick's sobbing quietened somewhat, wiping away his tears and sniffing, his heart feeling like it had been shattered into a million tiny pieces, his shoulder beginning to hurt from resting his body weight against the wall. "I loved her," he whispered, a tear trickling down his already tear-stained face. "I loved her so much. I just wanted to make her happy, didn't know it was just a game."

Kevin raised his eyebrows. "You made me happy, for a while," he said quietly, moving in front of Nick and taking him by the shoulders and standing him up straight. He gently wiped away the tear that trickled down Nick's cheek. "If that means anything."

Nick nodded, his lower lip quivering, his whole body trembling. "Yes, it does." He then threw himself into Kevin's arms, throwing him back slightly as he did, and burst into tears again. "I love you! You've been here all the time, and all I ever wanted to do was love you!"

"So did I, Nicky," Kevin whispered, running his fingers through Nick's blonde hair. "So did I."

"But I hurt you, Kevin!" Nick sobbed, tears spilling down his soft cheeks. "I hurt you so much! Too much!"

Kevin closed his eyes momentarily and comforted Nick by running his hand underneath Nick's shirt and rubbing the small of his back, his fingertips brushing over Nick's warm and sensitive skin, feeling Nick involuntarily leaning into the touch. "I'm alive, Nick," he whispered, making slow, small circles on Nick's back with his fingertips, hearing Nick's breathing turning from deep to hoarse, punctuated by a few tiny moans. "I'll live. Will you?"

Nick pulled his head away from Kevin's shoulder and stared into his eyes. "Did you-say my name like that because-because you loved me? Even then?"

Kevin frowned. "Nick, I - "

"Please, Kevin, tell me you did!" Nick exclaimed.

Kevin nodded and wrapped his arms around Nick's waist. "Yes, I did."

Nick gasped and fell into Kevin's warm embrace, placing his lips just inches away from Kevin's, their noses pressed together. "Kevin," he whispered, his lower lip trembling with overwhelming emotion. "Kiss me. Please."

Kevin shook his head, not wanting himself to fall under the same spell again, not wanting to get caught up in the same tragedy once more, the same game that almost killed him. "No."

Nick then took him by complete surprise by pushing him hard against the wall and pinned Kevin's body in place with his own, taking Kevin's arms and wrapping them firmly around his waist. "Fine, I'll kiss you," he said gruffly, manoeuvring his legs between Kevin's and pressed his lips down on Kevin's, softly kissing and sucking at them, trying desperately to make him respond. Kevin finally responded and when his lips moved against Nick's, Nick gracefully glided his tongue to dance against Kevin's, both moaning from the intensity and sheer pleasure, their bodies pressing into each other, both finding their own utopia with each other once more.

~**~