Alpha And Omega

© Sweet-Kisses™

~*~

Do you feel what I feel - bittering distress
Who decides what you express?
Do you need what I need - boundaries overthrown
Look inside, to each his own
Do you choose what I choose - more alternatives
Energy derives from both the plus and negatives
Do you take what I take - endurance is the word
Moving back instead of forward seems to me absurd

"Psychogenic amnesia," A.J. said softly from his chair, pursing his lips together and staring down at Kevin, who was fast asleep with a blanket wrapped tightly around him, his body curled up into a tiny figure.

After finding him asleep in the shower, the three remaining friends helped carry Kevin out in his drugged state and carried him to where he was sleeping right now, with the blanket nestling his body, Kevin almost grasping it obsessively. His head was placed comfortingly on a soft, plush pillow and his eyes were tightly shut, his breathing deep and even, himself conscious, but his whole body fatigued. And to see him in the state he was in was not a nice experience for any of them, for to see Kevin acting somewhat of a five year-old was definitely not something he did every day. Not even as a joke, and now to see the harsh reality of all this, the pain and sorrow and hurt finally taking its toll on him, was frightening.

"Psychogenic amnesia?" Nick repeated with a frown, his blue worried eyes flickering over to Kevin. "What’s that?"

"Well, the doctor said that Kevin’s mind is playing tricks on him. So what that means is that his mind is subconsciously subduing the enormity of the hurt and pain he’s gone through, so that he doesn’t have to deal with it. It’s like if you’re a schizophrenic and suffer from multiple personality. Your mind invents a person to take care of things that you yourself can’t deal with. But in Kevin’s case, his mind has just stopped itself from dealing with all this, and when finally it all came down on him like a freight train, his mind collapsed. Broke down, even, which is why he’s acting the way he is."

Brian shook his head, his eyes wandering over Kevin’s sleeping figure and sighed. "I still don’t understand. What triggered all that in the first place? I mean, what made it all come down on him so quickly? What happened to him that made his mind do this? I don’t understand!"

Howie turned his eyes away from Kevin and looked at Brian with tired eyes. "Amnesia, Brian, you know what that is? I think what A.J.’s trying to say is that his mind is trying to forget that anything ever happened to him, so that he doesn’t have to deal with how hurt he really is." He turned to A.J. "Is that right?"

A.J. nodded. "That’s right. He’s just been so hurt so quickly that his mind and body can’t cope, so his mind tries to forget everything."

"He’s a person, A.J., and he’s got feelings,” Nick replied.

"Yeah, and that’s why his mind is doing this, because he’s got too many feelings that he can’t deal with on his own," A.J. replied, his eyes clouding over with slightly anger. "And may I ask exactly what triggered all this, like Brian said and you never answered?" His eyes drifted over to Nick and Kevin’s discarded clothes that were strewn on the floor, Nick’s pants, Kevin’s pants and shirt, and frowned. "And may I also ask why you two are in your underwear?"

Brian closed his eyes momentarily. "Oh, God, you two didn’t - "

Howie’s eyes widened. "That would’ve triggered everything," he whispered in realisation.

Nick shook his head. This is all my fault. Yet again. "No, we didn’t do anything."

A.J. arched an eyebrow. "So tell me why your clothes are on the floor then, huh?"

"Listen," Nick hissed, leaning forward in his chair, trying in vain to keep his voice controlled and soft in an effort to let Kevin remain asleep. "It’s none of your business what happened. If anything happened at all. It’s none of your business!"

"Well," Howie interrupted with cold eyes, "I’m guessing that you two were about to have sex, but something in his mind snapped, and he got scared, which is why he locked himself in the shower, so he could keep himself isolated from everything and everyone. Am I right?"

"Jesus, Nick," A.J. cried softly. "Can’t you just leave him alone for two seconds?"

"You don’t understand!" Nick cried quietly. "Sure, we were going to have sex, and yes Howie, you’re right. That’s exactly what happened and exactly what he did. But remember this: he wanted to do it as much as I did. Maybe even more so. But also remember that I love him and that the last thing I’d ever do is hurt him! He tried to beat me again, just like he used to, and I stopped myself from hitting him back. Well, only once, but I regretted it, and only because he wouldn’t stop hitting me. He did stop and when I tried to comfort him, he ran away from me."

A.J. crossed his arms defiantly. "And I suppose that I’m meant to believe all this."

Nick narrowed his eyes. "Believe whatever the hell you want. But what I just told you was the truth."

Silence descended upon all of them, pondering over everything that had just been said, their eyes all locking on the sleeping Kevin once more. It was more of an uncomfortable silence between them, because Nick didn’t really want them all to know what had made Kevin do what he did. It was just too, well, strange, and he wondered what they were all thinking. He wondered if they hated him again. He wondered if they all despised him again, for making Kevin spiral backwards. He wondered if they would ever forgive him and trust him again. Surely they would have to do, wouldn’t they? They had all been the best of friends for a decade, and that was nothing to push away lightly. Surely they wouldn’t just give up on him and hate him? Surely he deserved to be understood? Surely they would know and understand that everybody deserved forgiveness and the benefit of the doubt at least one time in their life?

"All right, Nick, let’s have it," A.J. said quietly, steepling his fingertips together, both his index fingers leaning against his chin. "All of it. There’s more to this than what each of you are saying, so for the sake of Kevin’s mental heath and your friendship with him and us, I suggest you tell us everything. Now. Because if you don’t......"

"Okay, okay," Nick said, clearing his throat and sitting himself more comfortably in his chair, his crystal blue eyes darting over to Kevin once more and remaining there while he found the courage to tell them everything that Kevin had told him. He didn’t know if they would realise that this could’ve almost been the end of them, but that didn’t matter, because all that mattered now was the truth. Nick sighed. "It was Kristin."

Howie rolled his eyes. "Yeah, we know. You were sleeping with her behind Kevin’s back. And real nice of you, too, might I add."

"Howie, keep your mouth shut until Nick finishes," A.J. ordered strongly, being ever the mediator. "Nick, you were saying?"

"See, um, the thing is, well - " Nick stammered, his tongue not rolling the words out and his heart beating furiously, his pulse racing. He took a deep breath. "It was Kristin, you know that. But what you don’t know was why that all happened between her and me."

"So why?" Brian asked, leaning forward. "Why in the world were you sleeping with Kevin’s wife behind his back?"

Nick shook his head, gripping his blonde hair tightly in his hand and staring at the plush cream carpet. "It was just a trick," he said softly, tears welling in his eyes. "She was just using us, all of us, to see how much it would take before we all turned on each other and finally snapped." His eyes wandered around the room before he finally met their penetrating gazes. "She was just using me to get back at Kevin."

"Why?" A.J. asked. "What for? For what reason?"

Nick clasped his hands together and his gaze floated back down to the carpet, ashamed of meeting his friends’ eyes and seeing something there that he wouldn’t like, or would ever forget. "While she was, um, well – “

Brian rolled his eyes. "Quit stammering and tell us what happened!"

"While she was - doing something intimate to him," Nick recounted softly, hoping he used words enough to give them an idea. "And he was, well, close to, you know, he accidentally cried Nick instead of Kristin, in the heat of everything."

A.J. took a deep breath, not really wanting to believe all this, but somehow he knew it was true. He could just tell from the look on Nick’s face and the unshed tears in his eyes. It was just all too real for comfort. He sighed in despair. This whole story had more twists to it than for his liking. He suddenly felt nauseous. "So let me get this straight. While in an intimate moment with his wife, your name surfaced instead of Kristin’s."

Nick nodded. "Something like that."

"Well, hell," was all A.J. could say and sat back in his chair and shook his head, obviously disgusted.

"But why?" Brian asked, trying his hardest to comprehend all this and trying to remain calm and keeping himself from jumping up and running out of the room. "Why would Kevin say your name instead of Kristin’s? It doesn’t make sense! Why would Kevin say such a thing? There has to be a reason for it!"

"He said it was because he loved me," Nick whispered.

"What?" Brian asked.

"He said he loved me!" Nick cried, a tear springing from his eye and trickling down his cheek. "He said it was because he loved me!"

"Hey, hey, lower the decibels," A.J. interrupted, sitting forward in his chair. He sighed deeply, looking from Kevin and then to Nick. "Look, is that all? Really and truly all that has happened between the two of you? Because if there’s anything else to this goddamn story, now’s your chance, Nick. What else has gone on between you two? What else has happened? And if your little mind is even considering lying to me - "

"How long?" Brian injected softly, his eyes unforgiving and cold. "How long has all this been going on for?"

Nick shuddered from the thought of having to tell all, when it had almost killed him trying to tell them the basics of what had happened between the two of them, and now that they knew that Kristin was the culprit of all that had happened between them, things weren’t exactly going to be sweet with all of them. He knew that much.

Nick took a deep breath. "Look, I’ll tell you the whole story, from start to finish. But please, please don’t interrupt or yell or scream before I’m finished. Because if you do - "

Howie nodded from across the room, crossing his arms tightly against his chest as though he were trying to protect himself from harm, but his expression relenting somewhat. "Okay, Nick, we’ll keep quiet until you’re done. Just tell us what’s gone on. Tell us everything. Please."

Nick’s eyes wandered over to Kevin sleeping for the millionth time that day and he wondered how they would react when they found out the truth. The truth that Nick had Kevin raped. The truth that Nick had made Kevin want to kill himself. The truth of everything. Surely they had to understand, didn’t they? Surely they didn’t hate Kevin for continuously raping him, even though soon enough rape had turned into love. Surely they couldn’t hate him? Not now, not when they knew that Nick was trying his best and utmost to make Kevin better again? Surely they wouldn’t hate him if they knew how much he had been hurting because of all this, and most importantly they couldn’t hate him if they all knew how much he loved Kevin?

"Like I said before," Nick said softly, "it was Kristin. You know what happened with her. Well, she tried to hurt Kevin for what he said by using me. And, to make a long story short, I fell in love with her. She set me up. It was a trick. I was there, at their house, under the pretence that Kevin wouldn’t be there. She assured me that he wouldn’t, and she knew that Kevin would be home that day when he caught us together. She knew he’d be there, and sure he was a little early, but she knew he’d be there, and if he caught us, she knew that Kevin would try and hurt me, for she knew that Kevin loved her with all his heart. But, well, turns out he loved me, too."

"Okay," Brian said, nodding in understanding. "So he caught you and, well, you know. Right?”

"Right," Nick replied, his eyes closing and filling with tears at the reminder of that day, and how much he had hurt afterwards, and how aggressive and painful Kevin had been and how much he had begged him to stop and how much he had screamed, and how much Kevin seemed to have enjoyed his screaming for mercy.

"Nick?" A.J. said, tapping his knee, breaking him out of reverie. "You okay?"

Nick’s eyes flew open and he saw A.J. staring at him, obviously confused. He nodded and A.J. sat back in his chair, waiting for his story to continue, though he knew how it would end. But he didn’t know all of it, and Nick knew that A.J. would get the shock of his life. Probably try to kill him, too.

"So then to get revenge for sleeping with Kristin, he used to come into my room almost every night and repeat what he did to me that day." He paused, the words dying on his lips. "He - he was so angry and hurt and aggressive and just - he wouldn’t stop, even if I tried to hit him. I screamed so much, so loudly, but soon after he’d gag me and cuff me so that I couldn’t fight back."

A.J. shook his head. "Hang on, hang on. You said it was both of you tying each other up and beating each other and whatnot, not just Kevin. Were you lying to me?"

"Yes," Nick whispering, hating the furious look on A.J.’s face as he glared into Nick’s blue eyes. "It was just Kevin. I did have good intentions, really I did. I didn’t want you to hurt him, to hate him any more, so I lied, to save him."

Howie leaned over and placed both hands on the sides of his head, breathing deeply. "Jesus," he whispered. "So Kevin was continuously hurting you and we never knew? How was all this possible?"

Nick shrugged. "I deserved it," he said helplessly. "But one time, it was different. He didn’t hurt me, he didn’t tie me up, he didn’t gag me. He told me that he was going to be gentle, that he was going to love me. And he did. I then realised that I liked him that way, and he liked me that way. So, all the hurt and anger disappeared and all that was left was our true feelings."

Brian placed both hands over his face and shook his head wildly. "No."

"But then, he said one day that things were wrong," Nick explained sadly, his eyes clouding over with past hurt and pain and heartbreak. "He said what we were doing was wrong, that it was ridiculous that we had fallen in love after everything. So he left, and he stopped coming into my room at night. I hated him." He paused and shuddered. "God, I hated him for that, for hurting me like that."

"So that’s why you two started beating each other up so much," Howie said, beginning to comprehend the situation and trying to make some sense out of it, but desperately trying to understand and not feel nauseated. Not only for Kevin’s sake but for the rest of the boys. "You fell in love but he said it was wrong, so you thought that if you hated each other so passionately it could disguise how you both felt about each other.”

A.J. narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Doesn’t all add up, Nick. Sure, Kristin tried to divide us and turn us all against each other for what Kevin said. But why would Kevin try to kill himself just over that? He’s strong, we know that. There has to be more, Nick. And I want to know everything. Everything, and right now."

Nick closed his eyes momentarily, to gain some strength for what he was about to say, to keep his composure, to remain strong. After everything, they deserved the truth. "I had him raped," he whispered.

This statement was greeted by several moments of silence and gasps.

"Excuse me?" A.J. said in a low voice, his eyes blazing black fire into Nick’s sad crystal blue eyes. "Did I just hear you correctly? Did I just hear that you had him raped?"

Nick swallowed the lump in his throat, fighting off his rush of tears. "Yes," he whispered.

Howie’s mouth dropped open. "My God," he whispered, his eyes travelling over to Kevin’s body, a single tear running down his cheek. "I’m sorry, Kevin. I’m so sorry."

Brian’s face was impassive but his eyes were cold, unforgiving and clearly full of hate. "You son of a bitch," he hissed, his voice quivering with emotion. "How could you do that to him, Nick? How could you do that to anyone? Why, Nick? Why?"

"He did it to me!" Nick cried, his eyes shedding tears, his heart breaking at the thought that now, they all hated him again. Just like before. "But that’s no excuse. I know that."

"Two wrongs don’t make a right, Nick," A.J. snapped, his whole body shuddering from the thought of Kevin being raped, being submissive, when usually it was Kevin who was in control, in charge and strong. But how that had all changed. "God, Nick, is there no fucking limit to what you’ll do to him?"

Nick fought back a bitter retort and stood up, lifting up his shirt to reveal his healing cuts. "This is what he did to me as his revenge." He heard them all gasp in horror and disbelief as they stared at his chest that had been heavily sliced with what seemed like thousands of tiny cuts all over him. Now the cuts were a color of dark red and purple from healing. "He drugged me that night, a tranquilliser in my water bottle so I couldn’t fight back."

A.J. stood up, walked slowly over to Nick and put his hand out, gingerly touching a tiny cut near Nick’s navel. "Did it hurt?"

Nick shrugged and lowered his shirt. "I don’t know. I don’t remember. What I do remember was that I woke up with cuts all over me and spotted blood all over the sheets. It had to be Kevin, I knew that as soon as I saw it all there."

A.J. shook his head and sat down, meeting the sad eyes of Howie and Brian, how immediately looked away when their eyes met. "Jesus, Nick, don’t you know that there’s only so much a man can take before he snaps, no matter how strong he may seem?" The words were left hanging, and no one bothered to answer.

Nick nodded, fighting back his river of tears again for the millionth time. "I know."

"How long, Nick?" Brian asked for the second time. "How long has this been going on for?"

"Well," Nick said softly, "Kevin and I were together for about six months and Kristin and I were together for about three so almost a year, I guess."

Abruptly, Brian stood up, his face ashen, his eyes reflecting sorrow. "I have to go, I have to leave," he choked and headed towards the door.

Howie jumped up. "I’m coming with you."

Nick also jumped up, his heart racing and pounding in his chest. "No! Please, wait!" he begged, trying to stop them at the door before walking away and never knowing how he really felt inside. "I loved him. I love him. I do, and I’m trying my best now to help him get better and to make amends. Please, tell me you don’t hate me. Tell me you forgive me. Tell me there’s still something left to salvage between us, for if there isn’t - "

"He’ll want to die, just like Kevin," A.J. supplied and placed his hand on Nick’s shoulder, giving him a tiny smile and feeling a warm pleasantness in his stomach from Nick’s tearful smile of gratitude. "Guys, come on. Be reasonable here. How would you react in this situation?"

Brian shook his head, his eyes throwing blue icicles in their direction. "I don’t care, hear me? I - don't - care! I would never, ever allow someone to rape my best friend, no matter what he or she has done!"

Howie nodded vehemently. "I agree. I wouldn’t even inflict that on my worst enemy."

"Guys," A.J. warned strongly, his eyes showing a need for compassion.

"Please," Nick begged, his vision blurry with unshed tears. "Please understand."

Brian pursed his lips together. "Just get him better, that’s all I ask," he requested and walked out in front of Howie.

Howie, however, lingered at the door. A tiny, almost invisible smile played at his lips. "I forgive you, Nick," he said quietly. "Just make sure Kevin knows that we all still love him. No matter what," and closed the door softly behind him and Brian.

Nick breathed a sigh of relief and placed his hand over his eyes, jubilation running through his entire body. They didn’t hate him like he thought they would. He felt like screaming with happiness, if it hadn’t been for Kevin sleeping. "They still like me. They don’t hate me," he whispered, his blue eyes bright. "They don’t hate me. I can’t believe it."

"Believe it," A.J. said, and shook his head. "I don’t like the fact that you lied to me, and lied to us all. I thought we had a friendship here. But," he added, when Nick tried to object, "I honestly believe you when you say that you’re trying to make things better. And if you still love him - "

"I do," Nick said firmly.

"Now’s your chance," A.J. concluded, nodding in the direction of Kevin sleeping and giving Nick a tight hug. "I’ll never hate you, Nick, not for anything. You could probably murder someone and I’ll never hate you."

Nick closed his eyes to stop tears from running down his face and squeezed A.J. tightly. "Thank you, A.J. Thank you for everything. Thank you for making this easier for me. Thank you for understanding and not hating me. I owe you my life."

A.J. chuckled and let Nick go. "Take care of him. The doctor said that Kevin will be fine once he wakes up. The best remedy for him is to get him out in the fresh air and sunshine. God only knows how long he’s been living like a Vampire, shutting himself away from the world." His eyes suddenly became serious. "I mean it, Nick. Take care of Kevin, and if I see him even as remotely as sad as he was, I will hurt you."

Nick shook his head. "There won’t be any need. Trust me," he said and gave A.J. a small smile as A.J. closed the door quietly behind him and breathed a happy sigh. His friends didn’t hate him like he thought they would. A.J. was doing his best to help. And now, Kevin was on the road to recovery, despite his panic attack. He felt like shouting out with joy. But instead, he felt a few involuntary tears trickling down his cheeks. But not from sadness this time. This time, it was from happiness.

"Nick?" a whispering voice called.

Nick turned around and found Kevin trying in vain to sit up in bed, his hair a dark tousled mess, his eyes bleary and small. "Kevin," he said and sat down next to him on the bed, taking him by the arm to help him sit up. "Feeling okay?"

A shiver ran through Kevin’s body, and his eyes were slowly coming into focus. "I’m cold, Nick," he whispered.

"C’mere," Nick said softly and pulled Kevin over to sit him against his chest, wrapping the blanket tightly around him and securing it by wrapping his arms around Kevin’s waist. He placed his head on Kevin’s shoulder. "Feel warmer?"

Kevin nodded. "Hmm, a little dizzy, too," he said softly, resting his body comfortably against Nick’s, feeling as though his body was quickly becoming a part of Nick’s again, just like it once was. "Sorry about before. I didn’t mean to get hysterical and scare you, or hit you."

Nick ran his fingers through Kevin’s silky dark hair "Shhh, don’t speak," he murmured. "Just relax."

"Still cold," Kevin whispered, another shiver running through his body. "Still really cold."

Nick suddenly jumped up and pulled the blanket away from Kevin, revealing him sitting there in only his dark boxer shorts, which, Nick had to admit, was quite a nice sight. "Up. Now."

Kevin rolled his eyes, not really having the strength to object and followed him into the bathroom. "Oh God, not again," he said, turning away from the bathroom. "Do I really have to go through this a second time?"

Nick stepped behind Kevin and gave him a push. "Yes, you do," he said, watching Kevin walk into the bathroom. He took Kevin by the arms and held them out. "Try not to get these wet, okay?"

Kevin nodded, his eyes darting from Nick, to the bathroom door, and then back to Nick. "Can I shower in peace, please?"

Nick shook his head. "Sorry, no can do. I promised your doctor that I’d monitor you so that you’d never try to do this to yourself again. And so, that means everywhere. Showering. Sleeping. Running. Walking. Talking - "

Kevin shook his head and walked over to the shower and turned on the water, making sure it was piping hot. Steam began to surface. A tiny flush graced his cheeks as he slowly began to lower his boxer shorts, keeping his eyes firmly on the ground so he didn’t meet Nick’s. His heart was racing, butterflies were swimming in stomach, and he was sure that he had never felt more embarrassed in his entire life. He moved to the shower, stepped in, and closed the glass door behind him.

Nick sat down on the edge of the bath-tub, chewing on his thumb, trying not to watch Kevin showering. But damn, it was just too difficult. Steam quickly filled the room, and each time he tried to look away, his eyes just miraculously moved onto Kevin showering. And he was sure he had never seen a sight like that before in his life. A nervous, giddy feeling filled the pit of his stomach, watching Kevin lather soap onto his body, the water matting his hair, making it darker than it usually was, the water running down his body, and then Kevin turned around, Kevin’s face towards Nick’s and Nick just felt like maybe, just maybe, joining him.

Suddenly, the water stopped, Kevin stepped out and reached for his towel, and another rush of heat graced his cheeks when he felt Nick’s eyes lingering on him. "Get a good look?" he snapped in embarrassment and walked out of the bathroom.

Nick sat there, taking a few deep breaths, thinking he, too, needed a shower - but a cold one. He stood up, only to find that his insides were all weak and his stomach felt like it had been punched a million times. "Like you wouldn’t believe," he said softly, fighting back the urge to chuckle, and finding Kevin already dressed in a shirt and boxer shorts, sitting on the edge of the bed and drying his hair. "Feel better now?"

Kevin threw the towel on the floor. "I don’t like that you have to watch me," he declared softly, his eyes glazing over with anguish. And then his expression softened somewhat. "But I like the fact that you care."

"I do care, Kevin," Nick said and sat down beside him. "I always have, and I always will."

Kevin frowned and ran his fingers through his damp hair. His stomach felt like knots, hunger pangs soared through his lower abdomen, dizziness filled his head, and fatigue rampaged through his entire body. He lowered his head and placed his hands on either side of his skull. "What happened to me? Why did I do that? Am I crazy?"

"You’re not insane," Nick whispered.

"No?" Kevin yelled, his head rising quickly, his green eyes blazing with fury. "I only tried to kill you! I only beat you to a bleeding pulp every night! I only raped you every other night! You don’t call that criminally insane?"

Nick shook his head, his lower lip trembling. "You’re just a man who’s been pushed too far, that’s all," he said softly. "And you’re not going anywhere. Not without any of us by your side, making sure that you’re okay."

Kevin yawned deeply and laid back against the soft mountain of pillows. "Sleepy," he said softly.

Nick suddenly looked embarrassed, realising the awkward situation before them. "Uh, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but..."

"But what?" Kevin asked, his face perplexed, his eyes tired.

"But I have to sleep with you," Nick explained in a shy voice.

Kevin shrugged. "Worse things have happened,” he said and shifted himself on the bed until he was more comfortable and closed his eyes. There was a small silence before he added in a whisper, "you can sleep with me. I don’t mind."

Nick didn’t need any more words. He quickly had himself lying next to Kevin, softly talking to him, saying nice things to him, telling him how much they all cared and valued him living, until he found Kevin’s eyes were fully closed, his breathing deep and even - finally asleep. Nick smiled softly and wrapped his arms around Kevin and placed his head down on the pillow, quickly falling asleep with Kevin in his arms - right where he belonged.

~**~

Lyrics: Metallica - Eye of the Beholder