Alpha And Omega

~*~

"Kevin, wake up."

Nick sat on the bed beside Kevin, who was fast asleep and was talking to the sleeping Kevin in a soft voice. Kevin had pretty much slept for twelve hours straight, never waking up once, not even stirring in his sleep. He slept peacefully for the full twelve hours, his fatigued body desperately screaming for slumber and showing Nick just how drained and tired Kevin really was. The bandages that were still around Kevin’s wrists did nothing to help Nick’s conscience and he wished he could take his mind off the fact that he had been the one to cause Kevin’s attempted suicide. That wasn’t something he could easily take, but he was trying. He was trying so desperately to make Kevin realise that he was trying to make everything better again, but trust between these two just wasn’t happening so easily.

Kevin still slept on, despite Nick’s soft words and the gentle nudge that Nick had give him. Kevin was just so close and looking so peaceful sleeping, it was taking all of Nick’s reason and restraint to keep himself from kissing him. The blanket was wrapped tightly around him, and at Kevin’s request, Nick had slept with him. And that was all that had happened - sleep. Just two men, taking a much needed rest. As soon as Nick had closed his eyes, he had drifted off to sleep quickly, only waking up occasionally to see if Kevin was still sleeping, and each time Nick had woken up, he’d found Kevin asleep and a warmth began to grow in the pit of his stomach, knowing that he was doing his conscience good by helping Kevin back on the road to recovery.

Nick leaned down closer to Kevin, so close that their noses were almost touching and their lips were inches apart. He could hear Kevin’s deep and even breathing and felt it on his skin, and it was like a gentle breeze brushing away Autumn leaves. And all he would have to do was move forward just a little, only a tiny inch, just a small fraction, for their lips to come into some sort of contact. And he wanted to. God, he wanted to. He did. And he didn’t. He did because he loved him and kissing Kevin just seemed so natural to him. And he didn’t because he didn’t want to make Kevin have another panic attack like he previously had. He didn’t want to scare Kevin away. All he wanted was for Kevin to get better, and better he would get if Nick just kept himself within a small distance from Kevin. Just to give him some breathing room and a chance to heal his wounds.

Nick lifted his head away from Kevin’s, took a deep breath to calm himself and gave Kevin another nudge, but with a bit more force. "Come on, Kevin, wake up," he demanded loudly.

This time, Kevin’s body, cocooned in the thick blanket, finally made a move for the first time in twelve hours. His green eyes fluttered open, and yawned dramatically, his dark hair all tousled in every which way, his face still somewhat pale but for the first time in a long time, Nick didn’t see the same haunted statement within Kevin’s eyes. Gone were the dark circles around his eyes. Gone were the hollowness of his sunken eyes, which were no longer sunken. Gone was the sullen statement, and even though Kevin’s face was still white, he could faintly see a pink blush in his cheeks, which had come from warmth and a lot of sleep, and Nick’s heart soared.

Kevin sat up slowly, keeping the blanket wrapped tightly around him and yawned again. "Why am I awake?" he asked softly, his blurry vision coming into focus. "I was sleeping. I like being asleep. I haven’t…….I don’t think I’ve slept that good in a long time."

Nick nodded, biting back the need to scream a thank you towards the sky and a loud, jubilant cry to the powers that be. "That’s good. But now, you have to get up. We have to get you out and about again. Get you back into society. Get you living again."

Kevin frowned. "I wasn’t living before?" After a tiny pause, he chuckled quietly, the first chuckle that had left his throat in what seemed like a millennium. "I wasn’t living before, was I?"

"No, you weren’t," Nick answered softly. "We both weren’t really living, because what was going on between us wasn’t a way to live. It was a way to die."

Kevin nodded, finding a whole lot of truth in Nick’s words. "I know. I tried to tell myself that so many times, but it never helped. I tried to tell myself that everything that had happened between you and me didn’t matter, that I didn’t care, that I could just easily let it go and not let it affect me. But it did. It affected me so much, more than I ever expected or wanted it to." He shuddered. "God, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry, and nine times out of ten, I did……."

Suddenly, Nick jumped up and began to pace on the plush cream carpet, making himself sound like Kevin’s motivational therapist. "Okay, this is what’s going to happen. You’re going to get up, take a shower, get dressed and then we’re going to do what you love best."

"And what’s that?" Kevin asked slowly.

Nick smiled. "We’re going running."

Kevin blinked in surprise. Running? Nick? Since when? And didn’t Nick know that every time that they had in the past, Nick had either pitifully given up or was drastically defeated by Kevin. Now this made Kevin realise that Nick was certainly going to extremes. "Running?" he repeated. "Are you serious?"

"Very serious," Nick said solemnly. "So come on, lazy ass, get out of bed and in the shower. We’re going to get you out into the sunshine and back into the game of life." His eyes sparkled with infectious enthusiasm. "Brace yourself, Kevin, you’re about to start living again."

"Do I have a chance to prepare myself?" Kevin asked dryly, rising off the bed, though leaving the blanket behind him and staggering in the direction of the bathroom. "Are there any rules in this game of life?"

Nick shrugged. "Just be happy," he stated simply.

Kevin rolled his eyes as he opened the door to the bathroom and turned around. "Do you have to watch this time, too?"

Nick arched an eyebrow suggestively. "Do you want me to?" He chuckled to himself at Kevin’s bemused expression. "No, I trust you. But if you’re not out in five minutes, I’m going in after you. Can’t help that, Kevin," he added after seeing the frustration in Kevin’s eyes. "I vowed to look after you from now on, and I’m determined to see that through."

The hot water was relaxing and quite therapeutic for Kevin and for his state of mind and body. It seemed to wash away all the tiredness and fatigue out of his body and helped him wash away all his worries, and suddenly, he felt like a new man. When he stared at himself in the mirror after getting dressed in the clothes that Nick had give him, he saw a different man than what he was used to seeing. His eyes were no longer sunken. His expression was no longer sullen, afraid and scared. His complexion was no longer ashen. Matter of fact, he saw the beginnings of a blush appearing in his cheeks that had come from the heat of the water. And Kevin had to admit that he liked the look of this man who stared back at him through the mirror. He liked the look of this man a lot. This man finally looked a little relaxed. Finally looked a little happy. Finally looked a little content in his skin. And for that, Kevin forced a small, almost faint, smile to appear on his face.

"Is that a smile I see?" Nick interrupted, poking his head through the gap in the door and smiling himself. He nodded approvingly. "That’s good, Kevin. You should do that more often."

Kevin’s eyes were finally sparkling for the first time in almost a year as he turned around to stare at Nick, and all of a sudden, he let out a loud laugh. "This is so weird. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I just feel…………so much better all of a sudden! God, it’s the best feeling!"

Nick closed his eyes momentarily at Kevin’s words to stop himself from crying. Finally he was hearing the words from Kevin that he had been longing to hear. Finally Kevin was becoming happy with himself, and it was truly amazing. Instead of crying, Nick hurled himself into Kevin’s arms and held him tight against his chest, nonsensical words gushing out of his mouth. "God, Kevin, I’m so happy for you, and it’s so great, it’s so amazing, you’re happy, finally happy, it’s so unbelievable, I just want to cry…….."

Kevin pushed Nick away to hold him before his eyes and couldn’t stop himself from smiling, something that he wanted to do more than anything in the world. "Don’t cry. No more. Never again. I think we’ve both cried enough to last us a lifetime."

Nick nodded and stared into Kevin’s eyes, breathing heavily with excitement and happiness, still just staring into Kevin’s eyes, words that needed to be said dying on his lips and being said with his eyes. Their eyes both reflected a need and longing, and whether or not that was for each other, they wouldn’t ever know, unless…….

"Kevin……" Nick said softly, leaning closer to Kevin, his eyes locking with Kevin’s.

"Nick……." Kevin replied just as softly, their eyes gazing into each other as though they were under a spell, or in some sort of trance.

Suddenly, Nick snapped out of his reverie and cleared his throat. Kevin took a step back and smoothed down his shirt. Spell broken. Nick took hold of Kevin’s arm. "C’mon, let’s go."

~**~

"What the hell is this?"

Nick and Kevin had arrived back after running for what seemed to Kevin for hours, and surprisingly enough, Nick hadn’t complained or given up and had managed to keep up with Kevin, which was a shock within itself. It had drained him a little and his wrists were beginning to hurt a little again, but somehow, he felt just a little closer to Nick once more. Not like he had been, but that closeness and bond that they had shared was, little by little, slowly being created once more. The rustling waves of the beach and the salty smell of the ocean had revived him, made him feel alive again, like he was a part of everything, a part of the scenery, not just on the outside looking in, which was how he had felt for so long. Now, he felt like he was beginning to live again. So he had made some mistakes and done a few wrong things in the past - but the most important thing he had to remember was that he was alive, breathing and had good health. That was more than some had. Some didn’t have friends, not friends like the ones he had, and some had terrible illnesses, although it was a morbid and horrible thought. Though he had felt like dying, he hadn’t and wasn’t, and he had to remember that and refuse to give into gloomy thoughts again and start searching for the bright glow of the sun to remind him of why he was alive.

To live, and to be happy.

And now, Kevin and Nick found A.J., Brian and Howie sitting down on the couches, obviously awaiting their arrival and stood up when they had entered the room. Kevin frowned. "What’s going on?"

"I believe it’s called talking out your problems," A.J. said, crossing his arms and holding them tightly against his chest. He noticed something different about Kevin as he walked through the room. Something in Kevin’s eyes that he hadn’t seen in such a long time, and felt his heart soar as he saw it again. Was that…….happiness, he saw? Slight happiness? "We all need to talk."

Instantly, Kevin turned to Nick with a frown, his eyes blazing. "Did you do this?"

"No, I did," A.J. intervened, cutting off Nick’s reply and stepping forward towards them. "We all need to have a long talk here. We all need to get a few issues solved here, I think, so I suggest we all sit down and start talking."

"Kevin?" Brian said softly, stepping forward, his eyes faltering on Kevin’s. "We just want to talk everything over with you and finally get rid of what’s trying to ruin us and destroy us."

"Please," Howie added, his eyes desperately trying to convince Kevin. "Please."

Nick placed his hand on Kevin’s shoulder reassuringly. "It’s okay, Kevin, really. We just want to talk everything over with each other and then when we all understand each other and know how we all feel, we can all fight this and help you together. Don’t you want that more than trying to help yourself, trying to fight everything alone? Do you want to go through what you went through alone? Including what happened in the shower? Weren’t you glad that I was there to help you? You were, so wouldn’t you like it even more if you had double the help?"

Kevin felt as though he were fighting a losing battle, and felt the small portion of happiness in his stomach fade away to fear and nervousness. He prayed that this wouldn’t make him afraid, and that he wouldn’t lose all control over himself in front of everyone. "I guess……."

A.J. was the first to speak after everyone had sat down, Brian and Howie sitting on a couch facing A.J., Nick and Kevin on a couch also facing A.J., Nick’s arm slung protectively around Kevin’s shoulders. "Okay, to begin with," he said, looking directly at Kevin, "we know everything."

Kevin’s mouth fell open and he threw accusing eyes onto Nick, who squirmed and looked away. "You told them? Why?"

Nick shrugged helplessly. "I had to, Kevin. I wanted you to get better."

Kevin’s eyes continued to blaze, and he felt the overwhelming desire to hit Nick, something that he knew only too well. He felt rage and anger beginning to boil in the pit of his stomach, and unbeknownst to him, his fist clenched tightly. "How could you do this to me?" he yelled. "They don’t want to help me! They pity me now! You fucking - "

"Hey!" A.J. shouted, taking hold of Kevin’s clenched fist and holding it in front of Kevin’s fiery green eyes. "See this? See this fist? Do you know what you were about to do? Do you realise what you were going to do?" He paused for effect, and continued to talk in a softer voice. "Look at Nick, Kevin. Look at how scared his eyes are when he sees that, Kevin. Look at how frightened he is when he sees you angry, when all he’s tried to do is help you and make you better."

Kevin slapped A.J.’s hand away in disgust. "Oh, yeah, just like he helped me get raped, too! Yeah, he really helped me then!"

"Fuck you, Kevin!" Nick screamed and jumped up, tears filling his eyes. "How many times do I need to say I’m sorry? How much more do I have to do for you to make you realise that I’m trying my best to help you? And how many fucking times do I need to tell you that I’m never going to hurt you again, for as long as I’m alive?!"

Kevin glared down at the carpet. "Little boy," he murmured.

A.J. sighed and glanced at Brian and Howie, who appeared tense and afraid, and leaned forward in his seat. "Nick, sit down. The reason why we’re here is because we all want each other to know how and what we feel about this and what should be our course of action from here on out." He turned his attention on Kevin. "Don’t get angry because we know about what happened. And I know that you don’t like hearing the truth, but you’ve got to. You’re the last person who should be angry at Nick. Sure, you were raped - once. But you raped Nick night after night for a very long time." He turned his eyes on Nick. "Go on, Nick, tell him how it made you feel."

Nick shuddered and closed his eyes, the sound of silence overwhelming. How had it made him feel? Like dying. Like killing himself. Just like Kevin. "I wanted to die," he said tearfully and met Kevin’s impassive green eyes. "Do you how it felt to have someone as strong as you force yourself upon me? Could you imagine how it felt to have you force yourself inside me, and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to stop you? Could you imagine what it would feel like to have your hands cuffed, your legs tied, and yourself gagged so you couldn’t scream? Do you know how many bruises I had because of you? Do you have any idea how much pain I went through because of you? Do you know how much I suffered just so I could walk, so I could dance? Can you imagine having someone who’s ten times stronger than you, pinning you down with all their might, and thinking that it’s even funny to hear you scream? Can you?" When Kevin refused to answer, Nick yelled, "can you?!"

"Yes," Kevin whispered, hating the sight of the tears in Nick’s eyes and the sad expression on his face. "Yes, because it happened to me."

A.J. nodded, thinking that the words were finally hitting home. "And let’s not forget that hate wasn’t always apparent between you two," he reminded gently. "Maybe it was in the beginning, but think what you had together after the hate had disappeared."

"Kevin?" Brian interrupted softly. "I know……I mean……I was horrible to you. I know that. I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean, that hurt you, and I know I was wrong. I’m wrong for the things I said and for abandoning you when you needed us all the most." He paused, searching for the right words, and then he had an idea. "You know, the bible says that a man acts unlike himself, commits sinful acts, when he’s pushed far enough. So maybe Nick and Kristin just pushed you too far, and you needed some sort of revenge. I don’t agree with what you did, and with what Nick did, but maybe, well, maybe both of you didn’t act in your right mind, because, in my opinion, you both were pushed to breaking point."

"It’s kind of like an eye for an eye, you know?" Howie added.

A.J. placed his hand on Kevin’s knee, frowning at the little-boy-lost look on his face. "Kevin? What’s wrong? Tell us how you’re feeling. What did you feel when you found Nick and Kristin together? How did you feel? What made you do what you did to Nick?"

Tears filled Kevin’s green eyes. "I didn’t mean to say what I did!" he cried. "I didn’t mean to say Nick instead of her! I didn’t mean any of that! I just, I don’t know! If I knew what she was going to do and when I found them together, I was so mad, I was so angry. I wanted to hit someone, I just had to. And since I couldn’t hit her, couldn’t hurt her, couldn’t do anything to her, Nick was the only one I could hurt."

"And you did," Nick said, narrowing his eyes. "You hurt me so much. I was exactly like you, Kevin. I shut myself away, away from everyone. I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror, knowing I committed one of the biggest sins in the world."

"Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife," Brian supplied, nodding. "So true."

Nick stared straight into Kevin’s eyes. "I cried every night for what I did, and for what you did. I knew I had ruined everything between us forever! I knew you’d never forgive me! I wanted to apologise, I wanted to apologise to you so many times, but I was so scared of you! Every time I tried, you always looked so angry and hurt, I just couldn’t." He let out a small, humourless laugh. "I know, I’m a coward. You don’t have to tell me."

Kevin gasped. "Don’t be afraid of me, not now, and not ever," he whispered. His hand lightly touched Nick’s, his fingertips gently brushing over Nick’s fingers, and he felt the same warmth he always had whenever he did that. "I’m sorry. I really am."

Nick let out a happy sigh of relief. "So am I. More than you’ll ever know."

Howie couldn’t help but smile. "We’re going to get you both to see a psychologist regularly, just as a precautionary. Starting next week, you can both attend the sessions once a week together, to get over this hurdle together, and make peace together and finally move on from this hell-hole you’ve been living for almost twelve months. That okay?"

Nick nodded. "Fine."

A.J. narrowed his eyes. "Kevin? That okay with you?"

Kevin took a deep breath and glanced at Nick’s encouraging and pleading expression. He could almost hear Nick’s voice inside his head, if not the ability to read his expression. Please, Kevin, say yes. Help us, help us all. But more importantly, help yourself. You deserve to be better again, to be happy again. And so what if you don’t have a wife anymore? Millions of people have that happen to them, and she hurt you so much, you’ll be better off without her.

Kevin took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly, hoping in vain that his hate, his rage, his anger, his hurt, and his pain came out along with it. "Yes, I’ll go."

"And, hey," A.J. said with a cunning smile, trying to lighten the mood, "there ain’t nothin’ wrong with liking men, okay?"

Brian cringed. "A.J., do you really have to?"

"Hey, I’m serious!" A.J. objected strongly. "If that’s who you are, and that’s what you like, more power to you."

"I agree," Howie added warmly.

Kevin sighed. "I’m not like that really." His eyes trailed faltering over to Nick’s, and met a sea of azure blue for several moments before he continued, Nick’s eyes confused and sorrowful. "I don’t know."

"Couldn’t help it, I guess," Nick supplied for him.

Kevin shrugged. "Something like that."

A.J. smiled at Kevin. "You know, we love you."

"We love you," the remaining three chorused.

Kevin felt tears running down his face, his breath caught in his throat, his heart pounding. He had never felt his heart so full of gratitude, of happiness, of love, he thought it was about to explode. But instead, he felt an aching in his chest, and suddenly, he felt a nice, warm tremor run through his body at his four friend’s smiles. And suddenly, it hit him. He’d be all right. He’d survive. He’d make it, even without his wife. He’d be okay, maybe find someone else, but concentrate on himself getting better, and healing the scars on his heart, but he’d be better, for the sun was, and would always be, shining and that was a sign of good things to come.

"Thank you," he whispered.

A.J.’s eyes were serious. "Never, ever are we going to let this happen to us again. If it does, we’ll just have to do what we must, but together, as a group, as five, not as one. We’re a group, a group of five, one fifth, one of five, and we have a bond. A bond so close that even God couldn’t break it. We’ve been tried and teased, but we’ve won now, guys. The worst is behind." His eyes were shining with happiness. "All that’s gone, and what’s up ahead is going to be a new life for us all, and eventually, no one will ever think they could hurt us and get away with it."

And it was then that the three friends engulfed Kevin in a tight hug, and Nick stepped back, watching with a small, content smile at Kevin’s tears running down his face, and felt his whole entire body wanting to sing with joy. And though Kevin still had some problems, he’d be okay. He knew that, and when Kevin’s eyes eventually opened and turned their gaze on Nick, Nick mouthed to him...

I love you.

~***~