~*~

They both sat in the cool, air-conditioned room, staring back at the female psychologist that was staring at them, eagerly awaiting for Kevin’s reply. It had been uncomfortable from the start, though Dr Koontz tried to put them both at ease as soon as she had met them with a bright smile and a relaxed nature. But nothing had seemed to work. They both seemed tense. They both seemed afraid. She assumed that they both believed that because they were in therapy, they just had to be crazy.

But that wasn’t true. They had problems, sure. She had been informed on how much they had gone through over the last eleven or so months together, and how much hurt that they’d both caused each other from their friends. The doctor had instantly warmed to them, and she felt like they had a big chance with friends like they had. Friends that cared. Friends that cared about their well-being. Friends that wanted their recovery quickly, and to rebuild their friendship once more.

Both Nick and Kevin looked blank. There was just something about them that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Something that made her believe that even though they looked uncomfortable, they truly did want to be there and help each other. And more importantly, to help themselves. But besides that, she could just tell that there was something about them that was very solid, very unique. She knew about everything that had gone on between them, and she was surprised to see that they had even forgiven each other. But she knew, as well as they both did, that forgiveness was the first step to their recovery.

Dr Koontz crossed her legs and pursed her lips together, a pen in one hand, and her dark brown eyes focusing intently on Kevin. "So, Kevin, tell me what made you think that you needed revenge. Tell me why you couldn’t just have walked out on both Nick and Kristin that day. Tell me why you thought rape was the only option for you."

How the hell was he supposed to know? He was angry. He was hurt. He was enraged. Wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t that reason enough? Hell, he had caught his best friend in bed with his wife! Surely that was enough to make any man want to kill. Kevin shrugged helplessly. "I don’t know," he said softly, frowning ever so slightly and staring down at the plush beige carpet. "I was angry. I was hurt. My heart was crushed. My spirit was broken. He was my best friend. She was my wife! How else was I supposed to react?"

Dr Koontz raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow. "I don’t know, Kevin, each man reacts in his different way according to how he feels."

Kevin tried to formulate an answer, but all he could do was open his mouth, and then shut it almost instantly. He didn’t know why he had done that. He didn’t know that he had it in him to rape someone, least of all another man. He didn’t know that he could have rapist instincts inside of him. He was just hurt. Plain and simple. "Well, I guess I wanted him to know how I felt when I saw them together, and I guess I thought that raping him would hurt him as much as he had hurt me."

"Ahhhh," Dr Koontz drawled, standing up and walking over to the front of her desk and leaning against it. "So you didn’t really want to rape him, per se, you just wanted him to know how you felt, and you thought that rape would be the only thing that could match what you felt."

Kevin nodded slowly. "I think that’s it."

Dr Koontz stared at Kevin for several long moments, her dark chocolate eyes drinking in his facial features. He was indeed a good looking man. Dark hair. Green eyes. Chiseled features. Well-built. Nicely dressed. But there was something so vulnerable, something so intriguingly child-like about him, it was like he was a walking contradiction. "Kevin, did you think about the consequences of your actions?"

Kevin narrowed his eyes. "Did Nick?" he countered.

"We’ll get to him in a second," she replied, holding up a hand. "But, tell me. Did you think about your actions? What would become of all this after you had raped him? And what made you continuously do that to him? Did you not feel that once was enough? Or were you trying to make up for how many times he slept with your wife? Did you think of that?"

No, he hadn’t. He had acted in the heat of the moment. All he wanted was for Nick to scream for mercy and to apologise, and he thought that that was the only thing he could do. He thought rape was the only answer. And no, he didn’t know why he continuously did that to him. Just anger, right down in the pit of his stomach, would start boiling whenever he thought about how wrong things had gone with Kristin, and Nick was the only one there who was responsible, who he could hurt and not feel bad about hurting. But he did. He did feel bad. Well, he pretty much felt like dying. "It was just…..nights alone were so painful after she had gone. I guess I had gotten so used to her being there with me, that when I started sleeping alone, it became like torture. And I blamed Nick. I blamed him for everything, so he was there, something, someone, to take my pain away."

"Did you get some sort of gratification from tying him up, cuffing him, beating him, raping him constantly?" Dr Koontz asked softly, handing Nick a tissue, for she had seen the tears forming in his sad blue eyes. It was almost heartbreaking. "Did you somehow like him screaming for mercy? Begging you to stop? Saying he was sorry? What made you hurt him so?"

"He was sleeping with my fucking wife!" Kevin yelled. "Why do you think I hurt him?"

"Was it because you wanted to?" Dr Koontz asked, bearing Kevin’s outburst and colourful language. "Or was it because you needed to, to find some peace inside yourself?"

"Both," Kevin whispered, bowing his head.

"Is that what made you want to kill yourself?" she inquired gently. "Because you began to feel something for him, and you finally developed a conscience? Is that it? Can you explain to me what you feel was the reason for all this happening between you?"

Kevin felt Nick’s tearful eyes on him, and with his peripheral vision, he glanced at Nick for a second, wondering exactly what was going through his mind. He knew why. They both knew why. And it was all because of sex, and a wrongly said name. Whoever came up with the saying that money ruins relationships was obviously celibate.

"Well, I guess she found out that I somehow, subconsciously, was in love with the both of them. But I didn’t know it then, honestly!" Kevin cried. "So then she moved onto Nick, for revenge, and she made it sound to him as though I didn’t love her anymore, and that she needed Nick more than she needed me. I caught them together one day, at home, in my bed, and I just lost complete control. It was like I was outside my body, and I couldn’t feel anything but hate and fury. I just kept on hurting him, kept on making him hurt, to relieve myself of how much I was hurting."

When Kevin paused for a long moment and a lost look overcame his face, the doctor nodded encouragingly. "Keep going, Kevin, you’re doing well. Tell me what happened after all that."

Kevin closed his eyes momentarily. "I fell in love," he whispered.

"Nick?" the doctor asked, turning her eyes on him. "What about you? Did you feel the same?"

Nick nodded. "Yes."

Dr Koontz frowned. "So why did you both keep hurting each other, even after you both knew how you felt?"

Nick’s face crumpled slightly, the tissue in his clenched fist all screwed up. "He hurt me. He left me. He thought, he thought he was horrible for loving me after what he had done. He thought that nobody would understand."

The doctor nodded. "I’ll admit, what has happened between the both of you certainly isn’t what fairytales are made of, and it’s very complicated. But I’m willing to take this on. So, which brings me to the next point." She paused, turning her eyes on Kevin again. "What made you want to end your life, Kevin? What made you try to do that so many times? Was your life really that bad? Because, to me it doesn’t seem that way."

Kevin rolled his eyes. "That’s easy for you to say. You’re a shrink, you get paid to give positive reinforcement."

Dr Koontz chuckled softly, brushing off his sarcasm as easily as if she were brushing off a piece of lint from her clothing. "Au contraire, Kevin. I’m a shrink, which means I get paid to state the blunt and brutal truth." She paused, the merriment dying in her eyes as she continued. "So, answer my question. What made you want to kill yourself?"

Kevin sighed softly and stared down at his still bandaged wrists. The deep incisions made by his knife were beginning to slowly heal, and soon all that would be left were the baby soft pink scars. Scars that he knew well, like the scars firmly imprinted on his heart, that he knew would probably be there for the rest of his life. There were a million and one reasons why he had wanted to end his life. To end the hurt between him and Nick. The end the pain that had been caused by Kristin. To end the sorrow in his heart every time he looked in the mirror and saw that he was quickly fading away. But mostly, to end the hatred that everyone seemed to hold against him, and the vileness he felt after he had been raped so brutally and mercilessly...

It was a whole combination of things. Things that they just didn’t or wouldn’t understand. Neither of them had been so close to the end like he had been. Neither of them had looked in the mirror one morning and saw the harsh reality of yourself fading away. Neither of them had been that way. Neither of them. And neither of them knew how much it hurt to find that you couldn’t ask for help or support simply because you were the oldest and you were supposed to be strong, for that was how everyone saw you. But it was so much different. He had never known pain until then, and all he wanted to do was to make the pain stop. That’s all he wanted. Just for someone to help him, support him, tell him that, deep within his heart, there was still some portion of kindness and sunshine in him and that he meant something to someone, to tell him that even though his wife did leave him, he could still make it on his own, with the help of his friends. But when he didn’t even have that...

"I don’t know," Kevin said quietly, shrugging helplessly. "It was a whole lot of reasons. I mean, I just couldn’t believe the things that I had done, to my friend and my brother. I mean, I know that what he did was wrong, but it was nothing compared to what I did. But really all I wanted was for someone to help me, and nobody did. Everybody hated me. And I couldn’t cry, because that was just too difficult for the supposed father to do. The father of a group never loses control, never shows emotion, keeps everyone together. Well, I was pulling them apart. Everyone was hating me, and I couldn’t bare to see myself. I couldn’t cry. But I wanted to. God, I wanted to."

"There’s nothing wrong with crying, Kevin," the doctor said. "Most people end up collapsing because of the person that they’ve got to act like, got to be, because of what people expect from them. People can put you in whatever role they choose, but the most important thing for you is that you ignore it. Trying to be someone you’re not will most assuredly kill you". She paused and leaned forward, staring intently into Kevin’s wide eyes. "Father’s cry, Kevin. Mine did and still does, just like I’m sure yours did and Nick’s does. There’s nothing wrong with crying, Kevin. Sometimes it can be a very powerful healing tool."

Kevin bowed his head. "I don’t." He paused, staring down at his wrists again. "I don’t know."

"Why did you believe that loving Nick was wrong, even after everything that had happened?" the doctor persisted. "Do you somehow find homosexuality a bad thing? Evil, even? Why did you all of a sudden stop loving Nick after so long?"

Kevin let out a frustrated sigh. "Can you imagine just how stupid and ridiculous the whole thing sounded? Oh yeah, he was sleeping with my wife, I raped him, and all of a sudden, we fall in love? Is that sane to you? Is that sane behaviour? Because you know what? To me, is sure isn’t!"

Dr Koontz shook her head. "It doesn’t matter what I think, it matters how you feel." She then turned to Nick. "Nick, tell me how you felt about this whole situation."

Nick raised his head, a fresh tissue now clenched in his fist. "I loved him," he said softly. "I did, even though he had hurt me so much. I don’t know why I loved him after everything. I guess maybe it was just like he said. Maybe I was subconsciously in love with him for such a long time, that it never came out until then. Maybe I just didn’t realise it, or want to realise it. But I did honestly love him. I didn’t find anything wrong with it. Sure, it was weird but I was willing to work through all that. But." He paused and drew a shaky breath. "But he didn’t."

Dr Koontz narrowed her eyes and pondered over Nick’s words for a moment before replying. "You know, I’ve counselled many men who’ve gone through this. Finding themselves gay, I mean, and I’ll tell you exactly what I tell them. There’s nothing wrong with it. A person shouldn’t be judged on who they go to bed with, but more judged on character, and from what I can tell from the both of you, you’re both strong people. Even if you don’t see that. But like I said before and remember this: there’s nothing wrong with the both of you falling in love. It might even seem natural. What I mean by that is that you two have spent so much time together over the last ten years, you’ve been through so much, it would only be a natural instinct to love one another."

Kevin’s eyes clouded over. "But why us and not any of the others?"

The doctor shrugged. "Who knows? The main point is that from now on you both work on getting your friendship back to what it was before all this. And if it somehow progresses, then so be it. But if not, then it doesn’t. But what I’m saying is that your friendship is worth more than anything in the world. Work on that, and see where it goes." She paused and scribbled down notes before looking back up once again, this time at Nick. "Nick, tell me. Do you still love Kevin?"

Nick bit down on his lower lip and turned his head slightly towards Kevin and took a quick glimpse at him. Did he still love Kevin? The answer had to be written all across his face. Of course he still loved Kevin. He loved Kevin more than he had loved anyone in his life. He loved everything about Kevin. He loved the blue-greenness of Kevin’s eyes. He loved Kevin’s dark hair and how silky it used to feel between his fingers. He loved Kevin’s scent, and how he used to love breathing it constantly in. He loved how Kevin used to hold him forever and how safe he used to feel. He loved falling asleep in Kevin’s arms, and finding himself still there because he was always woken up by Kevin’s kisses. But most of all, he loved how Kevin used to love him in return. But now, well, now he wasn’t sure if Kevin loved him in return.

Nick nodded at last. "Yes," he whispered, feeling more tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. "I still love him."

"And do you forgive him for what he did to you?"

Nick was silent again, his mind still pondering the question. He felt Kevin’s eyes on him briefly and he knew what Kevin would be thinking. He was probably thinking that Nick would never forgive him. But Nick had, and did. He had forgiven Kevin a long time ago, way back when Kevin had crept into his room and reassured him that he wasn’t going to hurt him, but love him, and Nick had instantly succumbed to him. He just wanted this all to end, and have Kevin back as his brother again. And if it led to something more, then great, but if not, friendship was worth more than nothing.

"Yes, I forgive him."

"Kevin?" The doctor turned her eyes on Kevin. "How do you feel? How do you feel right now about all this?"

Kevin sat there in a quiet daze, a million thoughts wandering through his mind. How did he feel? He felt sorry. He felt regret. He felt sad. He just didn’t know, or better yet - he just didn’t understand how things had gone wrong so quickly. He couldn’t believe, didn’t believe, that would ever happened to him. It was just like Nick had said: he always thought he was the guy that had everything perfect. Perfect life. Perfect job. Perfect marriage. Perfect wife. But what a joke that turned out to be.

 "I feel better. I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. I really and truly am."

"Tell Nick, Kevin. Tell Nick how sorry you are," she gently coaxed with a small encouraging smile. "Go on."

"I’m sorry!" Kevin cried. "What more can I say?"

"Not me, Kevin. Nick. Tell Nick."

Kevin shifted in his seat and hesitantly put his eyes on Nick, and he suddenly realised just how sad they looked. What used to be playfulness and tease gleaming in Nick’s blue eyes had been replaced by sadness, and he knew that he was responsible for that. He felt a sharp pang of guilt slice right through his heart at that sight, and at the fact that he saw tears glistening in Nick’s eyes. He was responsible for that, too.

Look at him. He’s an amazing guy. Admit it. He had twice happening to him what you did, and he never broke down. He’s strong. He’s amazing. You know that. Remember why you love him. Remember what made him more special than anyone you ever knew, or anyone you ever loved in your life. Say you’re sorry. You’re sorry, you know that. You have been for a long time. Say you’re sorry, because you believe it. Say you’re sorry, because you know it. Say you’re sorry, because you feel it.

"I’m sorry, Nick," Kevin said in a choked voice, a single tear running down his cheek. "I’m sorry for everything that I’ve done. I know I’ve said this to you already, but it’s got to be more than that. I have to get you to trust me again, to believe in me again, to know that I’ll never hurt you again. I was wrong for what I did to you. I was very wrong, and all I can blame it on is how angry I was, and that doesn’t make it right. But I’m sorry. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know, and I’ve been sorry for so long and - and - " He swallowed nervously. "I love you."

Nick gasped and his mouth fell open in disbelief. Kevin loved him? Did he just hear right? He did. He did love him, even after everything, and just the thought of Kevin loving him again, even if it was strictly just platonic brought a small smile to his face and more tears to his eyes. "I love you, too," he whispered, wiping a tear away.

Dr Koontz sat back in her chair and smiled. "Gentlemen, I believe we covered some very good ground today, and we’ll leave it there for this week. But what I suggest is that you start spending a lot of time together. What I really want is for the both of you to spend a day by yourselves, away from everything. I’ll have a talk to your manager soon and tell him that you both need a day off to recuperate and that it would be highly therapeutic and if he did, you’d both be in better shape." She smiled again lightly. "What do you think?"

Nick nodded. "Okay."

"Kevin?"

Kevin shrugged. Not like he had a choice, anyway. "All right."

"In the mean time," Dr Koontz continued, "talk about everything that’s happened between you together, and cry together, if you have to. Never, ever cry alone." She nodded approvingly. "You did well, gentlemen. I’ll see you next week."

~**~

"Come on, lazy, move your ass!"

The gentle rustling of the waves echoed through their ears and the wind whipped through their hair and clothes as they ran against the shore. The sun was just about to go down, colouring the sky a motif of orange and yellow and blue, the colours themselves skiting across the cloudless sky like big splashes of paint. The blonde was leading the brunette, though the brunette was hardly giving it all he had, and all he needed to hear was some more trash talk from the blonde to speed up, not only because the brunette loved to run, but because he had a competitive streak that was hard to defeat, even in the worst of circumstances. But this was hardly a bad circumstance.

Surprisingly enough, the brunette seemed happy where he was, like his whole life was finally sorting itself out after being in a whirlwind of sadness for so long. And he loved it. He loved the feeling of happiness. He loved and savoured each moment.

Suddenly, Nick stopped and leaned over, his hands on his knees, breathing deeply. "God, you never give up, do you?"

Kevin, also breathing deeply like Nick, shook his head. "Nope."

Nick then took to the sand and curled his knees up to his chest, staring out into the horizon. "You know, if you listen carefully enough, you can hear the sound of the sun as it goes to sleep."

Kevin sat down next to Nick and gazed into the distance, the last rays of the sun warming his whole entire body and shining lightly on his face. "I can see why you love the beach at dusk," he said before sighing despondently. "God, I’ve missed out on so much, things like this. Now I know I wasn’t living."

Nick turned his head toward Kevin and stared at him for a moment before instinctively wrapping an arm around his shoulders, delicately pulling Kevin closer to him. "We both weren’t, but we are now. And don’t you feel better for it?"

Kevin nodded. "Yes, I do."

Nick turned back to the setting sun once more before standing up and brushing the sand off him. "Ready for another ass kicking?"

Kevin scrambled to his feet. "Like you ever could." He stopped Nick’s reply by taking hold of his arm and stepping closer to him. "Nick, I - " He knew he was fumbling, so instead of saying words, he made up for it by leaning in closer and placing his lips down on Nick’s cheek, gently brushing over Nick’s soft skin, deliberately leaving his lips there, even as he spoke. "Nick - "

The delicate feel of Kevin’s lips against Nick’s skin was enough to induce a tiny cry from Nick, and a shiver through his whole body. "Kevin" he pleaded in a whisper, "tell me it’s going to be okay. Tell me we’ll be all right and we’ll never hurt each other again. Promise me that we’ll love each other forever, no matter what. Promise me that we’ll never hate each other again. Promise me that we’ll be happy again. Please, Kevin. Please."

Kevin’s fingertips instinctively wrapped themselves around Nick’s fingers, just carefully patting them as though he were reassuring him of what Nick was pleading from him, his lips still against Nick’s cheek. "You know I will," he whispered back. "You know we will. You remember what it was like, how happy we were together. How sweet it was being together, how much we loved each other and couldn’t get enough. You remember how I used to stay with you all night and just kiss you, even after we were done. You remember how much I said I loved you. You remember that, and we might have it all again." His lips caressed Nick’s cheek as he spoke, causing more tiny whimpers from Nick. "Always remember, Nicky, always remember, and we might very well have it again."

Nick felt like he was going to cry, or his heart was going to break, and not necessarily in that order. He didn’t know which one was going to go first. Probably his heart. At least then Kevin wouldn’t see how sad that made him. But was he sad because of it? He didn’t know. But he knew that he wanted more than just a simple kiss on the cheek. Maybe that was why he was upset. Because he wanted more. He always did. "Kevin," he breathed, tangling his fingers around Kevin’s, "do you think that you could, well, ever love me enough to, well, love me again, like you used to?"

Kevin pressed his lips more firmly down on Nick’s cheek in response to his unexpected question. "Nicky, Nicky. You know I’d love to. There’s nothing more beautiful in the world than loving you. You know it is. You know there’s nothing more beautiful, you and me together, my body wrapped around yours, yours wrapped around mine, loving each other with everything we had inside. You remember, you have to. Just laying there with you, surrounding you, kissing you, touching you, holding you, making you cry, was beautiful. Is beautiful. Though you are more beautiful than that and you know you are. I think I’ve said it more than a million times, and each time I meant it, and each time more than the last time..."

Nick felt a tear springing to his eyes and his heart aching, feeling Kevin’s kisses moving closer and closer to his lips. "So if you think it’s so beautiful, and I know it is, then please, Kevin," he begged softly, whimpering and collapsing into Kevin’s chest in defeat, totally won over with Kevin’s words. "Please, I need you. I need you more than anything in the world. I need you, and that. I want you again. I want to love you again. Don’t you want to love me again? Don’t you want that again? Don’t you want me?"

Suddenly, Kevin backed away. "Think you can kick my ass, huh?" he challenged with a devilish smile before running off into the distance.

Nick just stood there, stunned, wanting to cry and watching Kevin ahead of him. He saw the look in Kevin’s eyes, and he knew it well. After all, he had been sleeping with the man for quite a while and he knew him, particularly his expressions, and particularly when he wanted something. He saw exactly what Kevin wanted. "He does, I know he does," he whispered with a smile and took off.

It was Nick that Kevin wanted.

~***~