Alpha And Omega

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

Kevin stared down into his white coffee cup that was filled to the top with steaming black espresso and felt a slight tremble in his fingers as he reached for the cup and brought it up to his lips, just taking a tiny tentative sip of the hot velvet-like liquid. He set it back down on the table and sighed. When he looked around himself, there was no one around him but a young man that couldn't have been more than Nick's age cleaning table tops and wiping them clean after that night's rush of busy people.

It was closing time in less than an hour, he could tell from the not-so-subtle meaningful looks he'd been getting from the young man whose badge said "Quinn" and was obviously looking forward to going home after a long day's work. Kevin came to the conclusion that he was probably just a student trying to work his way through college, he didn't look all that old. He found some similarities in both Nick and Quinn. Impatience. Restlessness. Maybe it was a thing people grew out of as they got older.

Upon orders from Dr Koontz, Kevin was about to close the final chapter of hurt in his life. He had to confront the demons that were raging within him, defy them and never succumb to them again. He was there to confront the cause of all his problems, the cause of all the hurt and pain between him and Nick. The culprit of everything. The catalyst of them loving each other. Kristin. He was about to face Kristin. He had to, he had no choice. It was the only way he could finally get over and defeat whatever it was that was holding him back from fully recovering.

That was finally telling Kristin how he felt, how much pain she had caused, and finally turning his back on her, once and for all, and never look back again. It really was the only thing for him to do at this point. Face the cause of the problem and work out a way to defeat it. That was what Dr Koontz had said and that was exactly what Kevin was trying to do. What he needed to do and what he needed to conquer. It seemed that Kristin was the problem, though he never knew it, but she was and he had to conquer that problem.

"Facing Kristin is the only way for you to find peace within yourself," Dr Koontz told him at his last session. "You need to confront your fears and defy them, and I think that all your fear lies in her."

Maybe she was right. And she probably was. She'd been right about everything up to this point so there was no reason for Kevin not to believe her. It was so easy to just sit there and confide in her. In the beginning, it had been very tense, since Nick had joined him. But because he'd attended the last few sessions alone, he'd found it just a little easier to tell her exactly what had been going on and how he felt. And he had to admit, it was doing wonders.

 She didn't mince words, she didn't confuse him with all that psycho babble crap and rant on and on about Freud. She told him exactly what he needed to be told and she always gave him the opportunity to tell her his feelings, and she helped him understand his situation and she also gave him confidence and reassurance to keep on preservering, convincing him time and again that yes, it was true, forever true, there truly was light at the end of the tunnel, and maybe what was waiting for him at the end of tunnel was Nick...

Kevin sighed again and raised his head. When he did, his eyes immediately caught Kristin standing at the entrance. His eyes widened almost at once and his heart beat quickened somewhat. She just stood there, wrapped in a black coat and stared at him, with a condescending motherly look on her face, as though on the inside she were truly mocking him, and he could tell from the glint in her eyes. He still knew how to read her like a book.

Nothing in that department had changed. He silently psyched himself, repeating over and over again not to get rattled, not to let her make him feel inferior, like he wasn't worthy, that he was just a pathetic nothing, to make her listen and most importantly, make her say sorry and feel remorse for the things she had done to him. To them. To them all. She had to and she would. She just had to say sorry and feel guilty. She just had to. And after all, it was just like he told Nick: nobody ever hurt them and got away with it.

Never.

"Why, Kevin," Kristin purred in a delicate voice, slipping into the booth across from him and staring directly into his eyes.

Though she had a smile on her face, her voice reeked of insincerity, to say nothing of her smile, and her eyes had a nasty, tormenting gleam in them and for Kevin to see that made him think that he didn't truly know her at all. She certainly didn't seem like the woman he had married, that was for sure.

She leaned forward and placed her arms on the table. "You've got fifteen minutes. Make it snappy."

Kevin bit down on his lower lip and repeated the same words he had before to give himself courage and confidence. Butterflies swam around in his stomach, which was in knots, twisting and twisting together, causing his muscles to contract, and he slowly exhaled to let out the pain. He had to be strong here, hold his ground, demand answers and an apology and make her see all the pain and hurt she had caused, and how she had almost killed them both and divided all five of them apart forever. She had to pay, she just had to, and she would.

Finally, all he could do was look up and say, "Why?"

"Why, what?" Kristin asked distractedly, clearly eyeing Quinn in a lustily fashion who was now sweeping behind the counter. "Why, what?"

All his mind was asking was exactly who was this woman sitting across from him? She didn't seem like the sweet and innocent and shy Kristin that he had loved and married. Well, that was the price he paid for going on appearances. Maybe she wasn't so sweet and innocent and shy at all, maybe it was just a ploy for him to believe that, maybe trying to destroy them all was her plan all along. Who knew?

"Why did you do that, Kristin?" he asked softly. "Why did you hurt me? Why did you want to hurt me so much? Why, Kristin? It just...wasn't like you."

Kristin's head whirled around to glare nastily at Kevin, her eyes throwing daggers right through his heart. "Let me tell you something, Kevin," she hissed. "You have no idea what it was like for me. You have no goddamn idea. You have no idea what it was like for me to find out that you were secretly fantasising about another man when you married me. Me, a woman. You married me."

Kevin shook his head. "I never did anything like that. I was devoted to you the whole time I was with you. I never touched another person the way I touched you when we were together. You've got it all wrong."

"And you have no idea," Kristin continued, "what it was like for me, how much I had to endure. I thought of you as perfect, Kevin. I loved you. I loved you more than life. I had you up on a fucking pedestal, for Christ's sake! You were everything I wanted in a man. Everything. I loved you more than anything in the world!"

Kevin slammed his cup down in frustration. "Then why did you do that to me?!" he cried. "If you loved me so much, why did you do what you did?"

Kristin paused for a moment, staring hatefully into his eyes, making him feel small and guilty. "I was just trying to be a good wife by doing what I could to please my husband," she said in a low voice, "and to find out that while I was doing that, he was thinking about another man..."

Kevin felt tears pricking the back of his eyelids. He had to admit, she was right. Well, partly right. He hadn't been purposely thinking about Nick at that time, he hadn't. But somehow, his name had just slipped so easily through his lips and all he saw was blonde hair and he'd thought that he had tried to make her understand the whole situation and how much he was sorry. He never knew that she had ulterior motives.

"But why Nick?" Kevin asked. "Why did you have to involve him? He's just a kid! Why did you have to hurt him, too? It was me that screwed up, not him. He didn't do anything to deserve what you did to him. He's just...just...a little boy..."

"Now, now, Kevin," Kristin said in a sing-song voice. "Nicky's not so little, and I think we both know that. Matter of fact, dear little Nicky's quite equipped for someone his age, and Nicky definitely knows how to please a woman."

"Don't call him that," Kevin hissed.

Kristin rolled her eyes. "Don't give me that self-righteous attitude, Kevin. You've been no puritan saint and you've definitely got no right to be vindictive. If you hadn't have been thinking about screwing little boys, none of this would've happened."

Kevin shook his head in disgust. "You're really twisted, Kristin, you know that?"

Kristin shrugged carelessly. "People change, get over it." Her eyes wandered back over to Quinn for a moment, making eye contact with him for just a moment but then demurely looking away, obviously giving Quinn a little kick of delight. Looking down at the contents of his cup, Kristin saw a bandage faintly appearing through the sleeve of Kevin's jacket.

She frowned. "Oh, Kevin, you didn't...." She clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle. "Oh, now that's really pathetic of you."

Kevin just stared at her in disbelief for several moments, realising not for the first time that he truly didn't know this person who was sitting across from him, and certainly not the person he had married. The woman that he thought he had married was a quiet, sweet and innocent woman who had his best interests at heart and who loved him with all her heart. But as he blinked once, he saw all that change almost instantly. It was just so mystifying how she could have changed so quickly.

He didn't even know the first thing about her now. She was just too different and too unlike the person he had known and married. It was like she was a whole different person, undergone some sort of weird personality change, like she was a Jekyll and Hyde almost. He hated her. He knew that. He hated her for what she had done, sure, but he also hated her for not caring and for not feeling just a tiny pang of guilt for what she had done to them. She didn't even care, she seemed so unremorseful about even hurting Nick, and for that he hated her most of all...

"You made Nick believe that you loved him," Kevin said quietly, avoiding her penetrating eyes. "You made Nick fall in love with you, and you never meant it. You told him that I didn't love you, and he believed you. Why did you do that? Surely you knew that he would believe you and that he'd never realise that you were just using him."

Kristin's face remained emotion free. "Well then, I guess my plan worked."

"Christ," Kevin said angrily, heat warming his cheeks in fury. "You almost destroyed us! You almost killed me, you made Nick feel like shit because he was in love with you and you broke his heart when he found out that you were just cruelly screwing with him and to make it all worse, you - "

"Fuck you, Kevin," Kristin interrupted quickly, silencing anything more that he had to say. "You started this whole thing. You caused what happened. You brought all this on yourself. You created whatever hell you were living in yourself, so don't you even try and blame this all on me. You got what you deserved. End of story. And if you tried to kill yourself, I'm sorry it never worked out."

"Fuck you," Kevin replied hatefully.

"The world's a cruel place for people like you, Kevin," Kristin continued in a flurry. "You know that?"

"People like me?" Kevin asked, arching an eyebrow. "What the hell do you mean?"

"For a gay man like yourself," Kristin clarified. "A faggot, and that's what you are, right? You love men, right? That's what you sure told me when you let the name of Nick slip through your lips that day instead of the name of your own wife. You could've had a nice family and a nice life with me if you weren't constantly daydreaming about fucking other men. But what do I care? I shouldn't, so I won't."

She paused, allowing her words to sink in. "So, you have my permission, if that's what this whole thing was about. Go build a happy life with your sweet little Nicky."

For some idiotic and unknown reason, this made Kevin smile. "Thank you."

Kristin scowled. "For what?"

"For making me realise why I love him in the first place."

Kristin rolled her eyes skyward in disgust. "Oh please, you're so pathetic," she drawled and leaned forward closer to him. As she did, it was like her eyes were suddenly on fire, as though they were trying to burn a hole through his heart and scold him forever for what he had done. "You're pathetic, Kevin Richardson, totally and utterly pathetic. And you know what? I feel sorry for you. I really do. You're nothing and your life is nothing. You're weak. So weak that you couldn't even kill yourself when you wanted to. Whatever happened to the strong Kevin Richardson that could do anything when he was focused? And now, you're nothing but weak. Look at yourself, Kevin. You're nothing. Admit it. Nothing. You mean nothing to no one."

Kevin tried to fight off her words, but he felt his lower lip quivering despite his attempts. "That's not true," he objected softly. "Not true."

"Nothing," Kristin repeated, this time more forcefully.

Kevin could feel tears welling behind his eyelids and he probably would've crumbled and burst into tears right in front of Kristin if he hadn't remembered Nick's words all of a sudden.

I love you, Kevin. I need you. I can't live without you. I don't want to hurt you, I don't want you to hurt. You deserve to be happy. Please, believe me, I do love you and I need you with me, more than ever...

"You know what, Kristin?" Kevin said, sitting back and eyeing her with a coolness that he had never known of himself. "A few months ago, what you just said probably would've sent me running for the razors. But you know what? I don't care what you think about me anymore. I only wanted to ask you why and I have, so that's it. You'll never see me again, and for that I'm happy. More happier than I've ever been in my life. Because Nick loves me and he values me being alive. He makes me want to be alive and want to live, and I have great friends who support me. All you do is make me feel like shit. So, don't feel sorry. No, no. It's me that's sorry. I'm sorry that I met you, that I married you, that I loved you for so long and wanted you to be the mother of my children. I'm sorry that I ever wasted my time on you, Kristin."

Kristin sat back against the leather and stared blankly at Kevin, as though she were hit by a gust of forceful wind that had knocked all emotion out of her. She shook her head and finally snapped out of her trance. "I guess this is where I'm supposed to say, 'Kevin, it's so good to see that you don't care what I think and that you've finally got the guts to tell me where to go'. But I won't. I won't give you the satisfaction."

She then slid out of her chair, smoothed down her jacket and stood up. "You'll be getting divorce papers from my lawyer soon, and don't think for one minute that I won't be demanding half. I've put up with your shit for too long not to get what I'm entitled to."

Kevin laughed in a mocking way. "I hardly think I treated you badly. I never hit you, I never hurt you in a physical way and I never cheated on you while we were together. You want half because you think that's what you deserve? With proof of adultery? You won't be getting nothin' out of me."

Kristin narrowed her eyes hatefully. "I hope you have a happy life with your boyfriend. The good Lord knows I tried to make you happy. But if you're happy screwing men, fine. Go do it. I don't really care anymore."

He watched Kristin exit in a dramatic flounce and he couldn't help but feel completely and utterly proud of himself, for the first time in a long time.

Kevin had finally conquered his demon.

~**~

It had started to rain lightly as Kevin began the short walk back to where he was staying. He clutched his jacket tightly against him to keep the rain from hitting his clothes. There was a gentle wind that accompanied the rain, but it was a very cool wind that would've chilled his bones if he hadn't have grabbed his jacket at the last moment when he had left. He had been so nervous when he had waited and nothing had prepared him for what had happened. It never prepared him for just how hateful and horrible and just downright mean she had been toward him, when all he was doing was trying to work out why it had all happened, her reasons why she had caused all the problems, and then move on.

End of story, just like she had said.

The rain that had started to fall and that coolness of it and the time of year reminded him of a song. It was so bittersweet and very distinctively told of Nick and his situation. It was beautiful, it was sad and it was a true love epic, and when he thought about it, it was just like everyone who had heard their story had said: their whole ordeal was like a major drama or love saga that would probably continue long after either one of them died. Their whole tale seemed to be never-ending, and his refusal to make more of an effort to react to Nick's advances ultimately kept it that way, but for some reason there had to be an explanation for his refusal. He didn't know what, but something inside of him suggested that it all had something to do with Kristin. But still, the song began to play in his mind as he walked.

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever and we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain

That made him think of what maybe Nick saw in his own eyes, love restrained. He had to see love in his eyes, his eyes were always so readable and so on display all the time and it was just like what everyone said: the eyes were the windows to the soul. He knew that Nick felt the same, that he was restraining whatever he felt because of him, and probably not as easily as it had been for Kevin. It seemed so easy for Kevin for him not to feel anything, not to show Nick any affection or make the first move, but even though he'd gone through so much and his heart had changed and he had changed as a person overall, he couldn't lie anymore. He was in love. In love with Nick. Kristin had proved it. He had changed, they had both changed. They had all changed. Some for the better and some for the worst, but inevitably they had changed and never were to be the same.

We’ve been through this such a long long time just trying to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
And no-one’s really sure who’s letting go today
Walking away...

They had been through so much pain and it seemed like a never ending curse. They had been through all that pain for so long, just trying to defeat it. It had just taken so long and was still taking long, but it seemed to be working to an extent. But he didn't know exactly what was good for him anymore. Kristin had walked out of his life and Nick had stepped in. But was that for the greatest good, or good for him? He didn't know. He knew Nick loved him, that was true. He loved Nick. But did he need some time on his own? Who knew? He wasn't sure if he was ready to let go and walk away or just stay and work things out properly with Nick and just see where they would end up, walking blindfolded almost. He wasn't sure if he was ready to let go of Nick, knowing what he felt and how he felt about him. Those feelings were just too strong to push them away without acting upon them.

If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin' in the cold November rain

Maybe if he gave the whole thing a chance, a real chance, then maybe he would be happy again. Really happy. They would both be able to work on having a proper relationship, not just living for the night-time. They would be able to be together all the time. All day. Every day. It would be weird. Kevin knew that. It would be very weird. But at some point, he had to put everything on the line and just go with whatever he felt. That was, he loved Nick. If Nick was his, all his, then maybe he'd be happy like he once was. After all, Nick valued him alive. No one like Nick did. Sure, his friends did, but no one understood his needs like Nick did. If he didn't, maybe he wouldn't be happy. Maybe it would cloud all his days and he'd never see the sun again, for Nick had reintroduced him to the healing rays of the sun. Nick made him see sunlight, brightness, the light of day, so maybe it wasn't right that he was stopping himself from fully loving Nick and being so unsure...

Do you need some time - on your own?
Do you need some time - all alone?
Everybody needs some time - on their own
Don't you know you need some time - all alone?

But maybe first he just needed a little time on his own, to get used to the feeling of being a single man again. Just to rid himself of the last year and start fresh. Work on his own emotional state and then see what happened. And if that brought on Nick, then fine, but if not, then it didn't happen. But maybe being on his own for a while would be a good thing. Maybe taking some time off to heal himself would be another good option. Just a few months. Maybe three. Maybe six. Just to get away from the hustle of his hectic life and just relax for a while, to sort himself out. He probably did need some time alone. Just a little solitude. Everybody did at one stage or another, and this was probably just his time to slow things down for a while and concentrate on his well-being. Maybe being on his own would be good. Very good. Maybe it would be a great healing tool. Yeah, maybe being alone for a while would be perfect.

I know it's hard to keep an open heart
When even friends seem out to harm you
But if you could heal a broken heart
Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Kevin couldn't deny that his heart had been broken and almost destroyed by Nick and it was downright hard to ignore what Nick had done to him. The fact that Nick had hated him so much, or at least for a certain time, that it was worthy of Nick unleashing two rapists on him. He couldn't ignore that, and Nick was supposed to be the person that loved him. He couldn't just push away everything that had happened and the hurt and pain he had felt and how much it had hurt and how much he had screamed and cried and how Nick seemed gleeful that it had happened. He couldn't deny that, he couldn't just forget that. It was indeed very hard to forgive. But after all, that paled in comparison to what Kevin had done to Nick. He had raped Nick repeatedly, almost every night for months and each time he'd been more aggressive and more angry than the last, which would cause Nick to hurt more and scream louder, so Kevin would gag him to keep him quiet. They both had their hearts broken by each other, but maybe if they tried to heal them together, like they were trying to do, maybe that was a good thing.

And when your fears subside and shadows still remain
I know that you can love me when there's no one left to blame
So never mind the darkness - we still can find a way
'Cause nothin' lasts forever - even cold November rain...

All his fears and hate and anger had vanished, he knew that, though it had taken a while. It had all vanished. And that was what he wanted. He wanted it to leave his body and find some other victim to torment. But the underlying truth would always still be there: if after everything had been conquered and defeated and there was no more hate or no one else to blame for their problems, they would still end up loving each other like before. That was obvious. Very obvious, in fact. So maybe they could find a way to love each other and build a relationship out of what they felt. They could survive whatever would come their way. After all, they had dealt with so much, it wasn't like they weren't up to it. So maybe they could find a way. After all, they loved each other. Wasn't that the main thing? Maybe there was nothing to fear, nothing to mind, but just their love to develop and after all, it would be a very special thing, not to mention interesting and intriguing, for them to start a proper relationship. It would definitely be a new hurdle to jump over, but maybe one of the nicest hurdles yet for them to experience...

Kevin opened the door to his room and found the room dark around him. He closed the door softly behind him and shrugged out of his damp jacket and placed it over the back of a chair. When he walked into the living area, he saw a body wrapped in a blanket on the couch, fast asleep and breathing deeply. He saw the tousled blonde hair and didn't need an explanation. It was Nick. He smiled softly and knelt down by the side of the couch and just stared at Nick while he continued to sleep. His features were so perfectly molded together and his skin was so soft and smooth, he began to realise that it would be hard not to love him, if not just in a physical sense. But he knew that Nick deserved better than that.

Kevin leaned over and gently pressed his lips against Nick's forehead. "Nick, wake up," he said softly.

Slowly, Nick's eyes fluttered open in a blurry state. "Kevin?" he said sleepily and sat up, rubbing his eyes, the blanket falling down to his knees, revealing his half-naked body which, Kevin had to admit, wasn't entirely a bad thing. "You hair's wet."

Kevin stood up and sat down next to Nick on the blanket that was covering the couch and absently smoothed down Nick's blonde hair slowly. "Why aren't you in your own room?"

Nick shrugged. "I didn't want to sleep alone and I wanted to make sure you were okay," he said softly, taking Kevin's hand away from his hair and linking it with his own, his eyes widening as he stared at Kevin. "I can't sleep without you, Kevin. I haven't been able to for a long time."

Kevin pursed his lips together. "I'm sorry I've done that to you," he said regretfully.

Nick shook his head. "Don't be. It's my own fault. I did it to myself."

Quickly and without thinking, Kevin motioned with his hand for Nick to move closer to him. "C'mere," he whispered and gently pressed his lips down on Nick's, the first time he'd made the first move in a long time and he could feel that Nick was surprised. But he didn't care. He became totally swept up within the moment of kissing him that he just didn't ever want to stop.

He could feel Nick reacting almost instantly by wrapping his arms around Kevin's neck and weaving his fingers through Kevin's dark hair, and Kevin responded to that just as instantly by wrapping his arms around Nick's waist and holding him close to his chest. And so many feelings ran through Kevin, that he didn't even know was there, consumed him entirely, that he knew it. He just had to be in love, and when he finally pulled away, he almost laughed at the awestruck expression on Nick's face.

"You can sleep in my bed if you want. I don't mind."

Nick immediately stood up and took hold of Kevin's hand and led him into the bedroom. He watched Nick quietly slide into his bed and curl up within the blanket and in that very position, Kevin had to admit that the look was almost irresistible. Nick yawned and closed his eyes. "Are you going to stay with me?"

Kevin leaned down and gently ran his fingers through Nick's hair. "I will, yes, soon," he replied softly and tenderly kissed Nick's forehead. "Sweet dreams, Nicky."

Nick sighed happily. "I love you, love you always," he whispered and drifted back off to sleep.

Kevin couldn't help but feel a nice warm feeling flood through his whole body as he sat down on the small couch that was in the corner of the room that faced the bed. So, he just stared. He just watched. Watched and stared at Nick while he slept, trying to work out what feelings he felt and exactly what was the best thing for him to do. He thought, and he thought for a long time. He watched Nick move slightly several times in his sleep, and he watched with slight happiness when he reached out for where Kevin was supposed to be, but was so much asleep that he didn't realise that Kevin wasn't there. He continued to think, and for a long time. A very long time. And it wasn't until the sun came up the next morning did Kevin finally make a decision.

He had accepted himself and accepted what loving Nick made him, so he was ready to accept loving Nick.

~***~