Alpha And Omega

 © Sweet-Kisses™

 ~*~

Kevin sat in the office of Dr Koontz yet again, in a leather chair, alone, and not with Nick. Attending the sessions alone had made things just a little easier when he thought about it. He could explain his feelings to the doctor and not feel like he had to censor anything that he wanted to say or conceal exactly what he was thinking or what he was feeling. Attending the sessions alone was a good thing. The doctor fully concentrated on him and she gave him advice, encouragement, support and, most of all and Kevin cherished it most of all, but she gave him a peace of mind and understanding.

She didn’t criticize what he said or felt or condemn him for what he had done, nor had she condoned the fact that Kevin had done some pretty awful things. He liked the fact that he could just talk and talk and talk and she wouldn’t get bored, but just sit in her chair silently and nod, only interrupting and reiterating where she felt fit. And for that, Kevin began to like therapy. He didn’t think he would, because he thought that it would do him more harm than good, but he was wrong. And it wasn’t the first time he’d been wrong. He’d been wrong about a lot of things.

A whole lot of things.

Like Kristin, for one. She had changed, there was no doubt about that. But he hadn’t realized just how much she had changed. And definitely not for the better. Though they all had changed, she had changed for the worst and now he couldn’t even believe that he had once loved her. But standing up to her had been the best thing he’d ever done in his life, and just saying that he didn’t love her anymore to her face had done wonders for his mental state and soul. He couldn’t love her, not anymore. Not after what she had done. Not after everything she had said to him and how cruel and uncompassionate and how unremorseful she was. She didn’t even care about what she had done, she thought she had been doing the right thing. She had hurt him, almost beyond repair. And Nick. Poor Nick. He had been cruelly used as a pawn in her little trap. His heart instantly went out to him.

Nick. He loved Nick. He knew he did. There was no use in denying that. He loved the fact that Nick cared about him, and valued him being alive. He loved being needed like that, in that way. And whether or not Nick needed him in a physical or romantic or emotional way, he didn’t know. But he knew he should probably find that out, just once and for all...

“So, Kevin,” Dr Koontz said, crossing her legs and giving him a warm smile. “How are you feeling today? How’s everything been going?”

Kevin nodded. “Good, good,” he replied softly. He paused, slowly letting out his breath and then sat up straighter. “I did what you told me to do. I faced Kristin.”

“And...?” Dr Koontz encouraged. “How did that all go? It must’ve been hard for you, no doubt.”

 “It was,” Kevin agreed quickly. He paused again, letting the silence of the room surround him while he remembered the day. She was so vindictive, so cruel, so uncaring, that he didn’t care about her. She had managed to turn him away from her by hurting Nick. So did that mean that he loved Nick? Of course it did, he knew that. “She’s changed. She changed. I didn’t even realize. I mean, she was so sweet and kind in the beginning, I thought she was perfect. I didn’t even know that she had that much hate for me inside her. And she didn’t even feel one tiny pang of guilt for what she had done. She didn’t even care. She told me that, if I obviously tried to kill myself, then her plan worked.”

Dr Koontz saw the sad look in his eyes and she immediately felt for him. She could tell that it was tough on him, finding out that the woman he had loved and married had tried to destroy his whole life and existence. It took a tough person to overcome that, she knew that, but she also knew that Kevin was a strong person and that, over time, he’d eventually overcome it all. He already was making excellent progress, he was seemingly more and more comfortable and easier to talk to with each passing session and occasionally she’d even seen him smile a little, which made her feel like she was finally breaking through the ice. Indeed, Kevin was making excellent progress. He was definitely one of the lucky ones, a survivor.

 “Tell me how that made you feel. Tell me how you felt when you confronted her.”

How did he feel? How did it make him feel? It made him feel abused. Used. Like a toy that she could just play around with when she was bored. A pawn in her threateningly deadly game of chess. Like a fly trapped in a spider’s web. But most of all, it broke his heart. It broke his heart to find out that someone he had loved had done this to him, would want to do this to him when they supposedly loved him. He thought that he loved her. He thought that he loved her more than anything and that she loved him more than anything. He thought that she would never hurt him for anything in the world. But she had, and in turn, that had hurt Nick, as well.

But when he thought about it, it had also brought him closer to Nick, in a weird kind of way that nobody would’ve ever have guessed. But it did. He had hurt Nick, too, and Nick had hurt him, but eventually they had fallen in love and that wasn’t entirely a bad thing. When he thought about Nick and everything that they had shared and everything that they had experienced, it had been a pretty strange but wonderful thing, them being together and wanting to be together like they did. And maybe, just maybe, he’d find the love he was searching for in Nick...

“It hurt me,” Kevin replied quietly, bowing his head so she wouldn’t see his tears. “It hurt me a lot. She was supposed to be the love of my life, the woman I had married, the person I knew best in the world, my best friend, the mother of my children, the person I could go to and confide in when I was hurting. But she hurt me. She hurt me so much, and Nick, too, and the fact that she didn’t care..."

“People change, Kevin,” Dr Koontz insisted gently.

Kevin narrowed his eyes. “That’s what she said.”

“You think you know someone and when they dramatically change right before your eyes and they turn against you, it breaks your heart the most when it’s someone you love,” she continued, allowing Kevin just a little bit of time for bitterness. “You can’t always tell who you can trust. But I don’t doubt your judgment, Kevin. You had no way of knowing that this would happen so don’t go blaming yourself for this.” She paused, allowing her words to sink in. “Do you still love her?”

Kevin shook his head. “No. Not even a little bit. I couldn’t love someone like her.”

“Could you love someone like Nick?”

Kevin appeared startled by her point-blank question. Could he love someone like Nick, even after everything? He knew he did and he knew he accepted it and everything that had happened, so maybe he could. Maybe he could love someone like Nick. Maybe he could see himself waking up beside Nick and seeing his face and loving him being there. Maybe seeing him asleep beside him would make him smile, would fill his heart full of love. Maybe forming a relationship with him would be a fascinating experience.

Maybe his life wouldn’t end if he didn’t procreate and he had always assumed that he’d only get married once, that it just didn’t happen twice, so maybe that wasn’t everything. Sure Nick didn’t do, or have, all the girlie things that Kevin found appealing in a woman, but he definitely had other qualities which overrode that theory. And Nick understood him, like no one else did. Like Kristin was supposed to, but never did. Nick understood him like no one else in the world. Nick could read his mind and tell when he was upset and what he needed to feel good about himself.

But most of all, Nick appreciated him and loved him. That was the best thing of all.

“Yes,” Kevin said softly. “Maybe I could.”

Dr Koontz nodded and scribbled down some notes before she looked back up again. “Tell me how your relationship with him is progressing.”

Kevin shrugged. How was he supposed to answer that? With the truth, obviously. “It’s progressing okay. I think...I think I’ve accepted his love and I think I trust him now and I think I’ve accepted what that makes me but...how can I trust him for sure after everything?”

“Nick’s with you all the time, isn’t he?” Dr Koontz asked.

“Yes,” Kevin answered.

“Nick promised you that he’d never hurt you again, didn’t he? And he hasn’t, has he?” she persisted.

“No.”

“He’s been there for you, hasn’t he? He’s been the main one supporting you and giving you encouragement and reaffirming that you’re needed and loved, isn’t he?”

“Yes,” Kevin whispered.

“And doesn’t he tell you repeatedly that he loves you, no matter what? That he’s forgiven you, no matter what you’ve done? How can you deny that that’s not unconditional, pure love in its full capacity?”

Kevin couldn’t deny it. He just couldn’t. There was no way in the world that he could deny any of it. Not that he would try, it being so clear as day. So maybe, just maybe, he could trust Nick. “I can’t,” he whispered.

Dr Koontz nodded again. “How do you think he trusts you? After all, he was the one who was being raped repeatedly. I’d assume it would be harder for him than you.”

“You’re right,” Kevin whispered again, this time in realization.

Dr Koontz clasped her hands together. “Let me ask you something, Kevin,” she said. “Would you like a relationship with him? I mean a real relationship. A real commitment. Having him with you every day. A relationship that’s not just based on sex, but mutual love and respect. Do you want that with Nick?”

Kevin frowned. “It wouldn’t seem...wrong if I did?”

Dr Koontz shook her head. “Not at all. I don’t judge on sexuality, Kevin, but on character.” She let out a tiny laugh. “You should know that by now.” The merriment died in her eyes and on her face as she continued. “Would you find that disgusting? Having a sexual relationship with him?”

Kevin bit down on his lower lip. “I don’t think so, but..." He paused, frowning again. “But maybe some people would.”

“Like who?”

Kevin shrugged. “I don’t know. My friends, my family, strangers. I couldn’t exactly walk down a street hand in hand with him, could I?”

“And that bothers you, what people think?” she inquired. “Kevin, you don’t have to walk hand in hand down a street with someone to prove to someone that you love them and that you’re in love. You’ve been through a tough year that caused more than a few sniggers and snide comments, and you’re still alive. You can handle that, Kevin, if ever it happens. But remember this. We’re in a more tolerant society today. If you love him and you want a relationship with him, tell him.”

Suddenly, Kevin was filled with renewed vigor. He wanted all that. He did. He knew he did after realizing that he no longer felt anything for Kristin. He loved Nick. Plain and simple and why didn’t he deserve to be happy and be with Nick, if Nick made him happy? Everything the doctor said made perfect sense. “I do, I want that. I really do.”

“Then tell him, let him know how you feel and what you want,” she encouraged. "This time, do it right. Make sure you understand what each of you wants from one another and from the relationship, and make sure he tells you how he feels, too. Don’t take advantage of each other at any cost. Bottom line? Don’t do this with him just because you have an emotional tie with him because of what you’ve been through or because it’s comfortable or he’s just there. Don’t expect it to be like before or for it to be easy. Because it won’t. Take it one day at a time, and learn about each other properly, and it will get easier. But if you want a relationship and you really do love him, nothing’s stopping you from having it.”

Kevin held back his tears. “Thank you.”

Dr Koontz smiled. “You’re making excellent progress, Kevin. You’re quickly becoming one of my success stories!”

They both laughed together.

“No, that’s all because of you. You’re succeeding because you want to. I’m just helping you realize your potential. This is why I’m going to put you on self-evaluation time for the next three months. Basically it gives you the freedom to live your life without having to see me once a week and to assess and gain what you want in your own time.

So,” she added, standing up and shaking his hand, “well done, Kevin. I’m proud of you. See you in three months.”

 ~**~

Kevin ran through the back entrance of the arena to avoid the crowds that were waiting at the front of the building. He was late, he knew that. He was always late. He either took too long in the bathroom, took too long getting dressed, took too long making sure everything was perfect. This time, he wanted it to be perfect because this was his first stage appearance since his attempted suicide.

A team of great lying publicists had fabricated a lovely story about how he was sick and that soon he’d return with the rest of the boys. Sure enough, the public had believed the fabrication. The illness he was suffering from? Influenza, which bordered on pneumonia, explaining his lovely little rest in hospital. The oldest and most traditional lie in the book. He didn’t really mind, as long as he got the necessary time to heal and recover. As long as he fully recovered and sorted himself out, he didn’t mind one bit.

“Hey, good to see you, Kevin!” one of their dancers called out from the top of the stairs, who was uninformed of Kevin’s real departure.

Kevin smiled. “Thanks!”

"Lookin’ good, K.R.!” Max, a male dancer, yelled out from down the hall as Kevin approached.

"Thanks, Max, wish I could say the same for you!"

Max laughed loudly. “You’re in a league of your own, buddy!”

Kevin slapped him on the back in a brotherly fashion. “Don’t I know it!”

Max shook his head. “Your ego’s still running at high speed but it’s good to have you back.”

Kevin smiled. “Good to be back.” After sharing a few more words with Max, he pushed past more people, graciously accepting their kind words.  He breezed through the dressing room, finding Brian and A.J. sitting down talking. “I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me. I’m late, yes, thank you. I know and I’m aware. Sorry.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Sorry?”

A.J. smirked. “We’re used to it by now.”

Brian stood up and headed for the door. When he opened it, he turned around. “You two going to move some time or what?”

A.J. glanced at Kevin then shook his head. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Fine, I’ll just go on stage by myself and tell everyone that I’m all five Backstreet Boys. What a riot that’ll be,” Brian grumbled to himself and closed the door behind him.

A.J. laughed and turned back to Kevin, the smile instantly dying on his face. “You okay?”

Kevin nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”

A.J. shrugged. “It’s just that you, and Nick, are you two officially together or not together or what?”

Kevin shrugged in response. “I don’t know. I guess I have to talk that over with him.”

A.J. frowned. “You don’t know? Well, we do. We all do. We see how you two look at each other. When Nick first puts his eyes on you, you make him smile, but then..."

“But then, what?” Kevin asked softly.

“He looks sad all of a sudden,” A.J. explained seriously. “Like he needs you and wants you, but knows he can’t ever have you. Can he?”

Kevin nodded. "He can, if he wants me."

“Well, tell him that,” A.J. said. "You haven’t told him or shown him if you want him. You’re just doing what Kristin did to him, and he doesn’t deserve that. If you want him, tell him. If you don’t, tell him that, too. But don’t keep him waiting like that. I can tell he’d wait forever if it meant that you’d be there waiting, but he doesn’t deserve that. So if you do or don’t want him, let him know for sure."

 “Would you care if we were together?” Kevin asked.

 A.J. shook his head. “I guess not. It would be weird, but whatever makes you happy..."

 Kevin stood up and walked over to the door, opening it and turning around. “A.J.?”

 "Yeah?"

 Kevin smiled softly. "Thanks."

 A.J. returned the smile. "No problem."

~***~

 Kevin opened the door to his room and closed it softly behind him. Shrugging out of his jacket, he threw it over the couch carelessly and sighed. He felt good about himself. Very good about himself. He could still hear the deafening screams echoing in his ears. He couldn’t deny that being on stage was where he belonged. It was like a refuge away from reality, a place where he could just forget about everything and get totally lost in the music and not care about anything or anyone.

The rest of the guys had taken time out of the show to welcome him back properly and hearing their clapping and squeals of delight had almost brought him to tears. Just thinking about it again almost did. It was the best feeling in the world. A rush of exhilaration ran right through to his heart and he felt like his whole body was just zinging with happiness. And he couldn’t believe that just a few months before, he hated being alive and he hated himself and he was so lost within himself, when now, all he could see was happiness and the future ahead, whatever that may be.

All the rest of the guys and their girlfriends and wives and their crew had decided to do a bit of old-fashioned club-crawling after the show. Kevin had decided against it, though everyone had tried to talk him out of it. He just felt like he needed to be alone for a while and reflect on everything, particularly on Dr Koontz’s and A.J.’s words, and just give himself a chance to think about everything that he had been told up to this point.

He knew he hadn’t been all that truthful with Nick and that he’d kept all his feelings to himself when really, underneath everything, he felt just the same about Nick as Nick felt about him. He loved Nick. He knew that and like Dr Koontz told him, he did want to have a relationship with him, because he loved Nick. But somehow, something was stopping him from telling Nick how he felt. But from somewhere inside himself and some time, eventually he’d have to tell Nick what he felt, because it was just like A.J. said. Nick didn’t deserve to be kept waiting.

When Kevin walked into the bedroom, he looked toward the bed and found a sleeping figure within it. He saw blonde hair. He stopped and just stared at Nick sleeping. Obviously Nick decided against the club-crawl, too. He couldn’t help but think that it would be a perfect opportunity to tell – no, show - Nick exactly what and how he felt and to prove to him, once and for all, that he truly did love him. Kevin did want that, want to do that, with Nick, for Nick. Not just because he felt bad because Nick stood by him and he deserved some sort of retribution, it was because like time and again, they couldn’t deny that they were physically drawn to one another and showing that in a physical sense was just simply the next step.

Kevin took a small breath and stepped closer to the bed, still staring down at Nick, but his heart racing at a rapid speed and a million and one thoughts whizzing through his head. What if Nick didn’t accept him, after everything? What if he’d had enough of waiting? What if he rejected Kevin’s attempts? He’d never know, unless...

Kevin sat down softly on the bed and leaned closer to Nick, close enough to hear his deep and rhythmical breathing. He tenderly brushed his lips against Nick’s forehead and pulled back, to see if he responded. He didn’t. Kevin lightly kissed the tip of Nick’s nose, and still he didn’t respond, so Kevin moved further down Nick’s face to his lips and almost instantly, Nick woke up and absently pushed his body up, so Kevin almost instantly pushed him back down.

“No..." Nick breathed, shaking his head against the pillow. “Please, don’t do this to me..."

Kevin delicately stroked the side of Nick’s face. “Nick, I’m not going to hurt you.”

As though he just knew what Kevin meant, Nick sighed and relaxed his body. “Good, because..." He suddenly began to cry, tiny sobs and whimpers leaving his throat and tears slowly streaking his face. “It hurt so bad, Kevin! It hurt so badly! You hurt me! You hurt me so much! You never heard me crying, never, never, never..."

Kevin watched Nick’s tears in horror. He had done that to him. He had made him that way. What kind of a person was he? He couldn’t do this, not now..."Nick, go back to sleep.”

Before Kevin could leave, Nick grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back down. “No!” he cried softly. “Stay with me, please. I don’t want you to leave. I want..."

Kevin ignored the guilty pang in his stomach from the sight of Nick’s tears and wrapped his hands around Nick’s arms and pulled him up into his lap. Nick immediately latched onto him for dear life, holding Kevin tightly at the waist while he buried his head in Kevin’s neck and softly continued to whimper. Kevin consoled him as best as he could by crooning soft words into his ear and caressing the small of his back.

"Shhh, Nicky, shhh. I’m never going to hurt you again. I promise. Shhh, stop crying. You don’t have to cry.” Kevin let go of Nick to stare into his eyes. “How can you forgive me for what I’ve done to you?”

“How can you forgive me?” Nick whispered.

Kevin gently wiped a tear away from Nick’s face with his index finger and sighed. “I don’t know. I just do.”

Nick leaned forward and pressed his lips against Kevin’s cheek. “That’s my answer, too,” he murmured against Kevin’s cheek, placing a small kiss there to conclude his sentence. He made his way down from Kevin’s cheek to the corner of Kevin’s lips, moving across slightly until his lips found Kevin’s properly and pressed down, loving where he was and what he was doing at that precise moment.

He loved that Kevin wrapped his arms around his waist once more and held him tight, that Kevin’s tongue almost immediately but delicately found his own, that Kevin could still make him feel safe, no matter what, and wrapped his arms around Kevin’s neck to hold himself steady as the kiss continued and deepened somewhat. He suddenly became aware of the fact that Kevin had taken hold of the bottom of his shirt, so he took his arms away from Kevin’s neck and pressed his forehead against Kevin’s, staring deep into his eyes. “You can take it off. I don’t mind. I want you to.”

Kevin’s eyes widened as he took hold of Nick’s arms and slowly lifted them into the air and when he gently ran the tips of his fingers down Nick’s arms, he felt a small tremble in his arms and a tiny cry escape through his lips. He gradually lifted up Nick’s shirt over his body, his head and finally his raised arms before it carelessly met the carpet. He then took hold of Nick’s hands and placed them at the bottom of his own shirt and Nick hesitantly but surely repeated the action.

Nick then leaned forward and pressed his lips against Kevin’s again and got lost within the kiss, weaving his fingers through Kevin’s dark hair until he felt Kevin’s hands press against his chest and he was pushed down onto the bed and onto his back, laying underneath Kevin and very much aware of him lowering Nick’s boxer shorts before taking off his pants and his own boxer shorts. When they both pressed together, both completely bare and exposed, for the first time in a long time, they both couldn’t deny that they were in heaven.

“I love you, Kevin,” Nick whispered.

Kevin kissed at Nick’s neck softly, taking his time at the hollow spot on his throat that he knew that Nick loved some interest. “I love you, too, Nicky.”

Nick whimpered softly and tangled his legs around Kevin’s and ran his hands slowly down Kevin’s bare back. “It’s going to be different now, isn’t it? This time it’s going to be different, not like before?”

Kevin lifted up his head and pushed Nick’s hair away from his forehead. “This time it’s going to be different, very different. It’s going to be beautiful, I promise. So beautiful you’ll want to cry..."

“Beautiful..." Nick replied happily.

They made their night together as beautiful as they possibly could and as Kevin promised, Nick did find it beautiful. They both did, creating their own little world together, not caring about anything other than how and what they felt for each other, displaying those feelings in the best way only they knew how. It wasn’t just Nick who cried, for Kevin cried right along with him. Because for the first time in what seemed like eternity, he felt loved, needed and complete. Kevin completely focused on Nick and Nick completely focused on Kevin, until both of them felt complete.

Just as they remembered, it felt like heaven on Earth.

Like utopia.

 ~****~