Kevin woke up out of a restless sleep, shaking and feeling violently ill. Violated, too, was the perfect word. Disgusting and unclean would also be the right words, as well, and there was nothing he could do to shake that feeling. He was shivering, both from cold and from fear, for the blanket that was on his bed had been tossed to the floor when the two men had come in. His clothes had been ripped off and he'd been left naked and almost for the dead.

Battered. Abused. Raped. He felt the chill rush through his body like bolts of lightning and his wrists hurt even more than they did when he'd tried to kill himself, unsuccessfully, all those times. But that was nothing compared to this. No matter how loud he screamed and how hard he kicked, he still was raped, and now there was a chance for anything. Disease. Anything was possible.

Kevin sat up slowly, his body still shivering and saw the long cut from a blade on his chest, which had now dried over and caked with black blood. He touched it with his fingertips. It hurt. He pulled his legs up to his chest and placed his head down on his knees and began to cry again, which he had done all night even when he was probably in a state of slumber. He felt like there was no way that he could cry as much as he had in the last day, but he'd cried and cried, and then cried some more. He was like a well that had an endless supply of water. The tears ran freely down his face as he managed to lift himself off the bed. When he walked, it hurt. It hurt a lot. He winced in pain and stumbled into the bathroom. He placed his hands on the walls to support himself, his whole body was weak and almost fragile now.

He remembered his screaming. He remembered the man's voice screaming at him. He remembered the other man laughing at his screams for them to stop. Just the thought of being raped by another man made him violently ill. Suddenly, his stomach churned and threatened to throw up its contents. Kevin quickly made a dash for the toilet, throwing himself to his knees and everything that was inside him felt like it was going into the toilet. After gagging a few times, he sat up and found that a few involuntary tears had managed to run down his face. He stood up slowly, wiped the tears away and washed his mouth out with water. When he spat out the water, he caught sight of his face.

He gasped. His face was bruised. He saw the bruises on his handsomely chiseled face, like major painting errors on a portrait or canvas. Like a faulty mock of a Picasso or Van Gogh. He took one step back when he saw what was lurking in his eyes. Nothing. His eyes were sunken, red and bloodshot from crying and dead. That made him scared, for he always remembered them to be full of life. But not now. Now they were dead and lifeless. He couldn't even recognise himself anymore, and that was the most scariest thing of all.

He slunk to the bathroom tiles and curled up in a fetal position and began to cry again. His sobbing echoed through the soundless bathroom and reverberated against the walls.

He continued to sob for several minutes on the bathroom floor before he slowly helped himself up off the tiles and stepped into the shower. He stood under the hot water and allowed it to wash away all the hurt, anger, pain and fatigue out of his body. Steam began to fog up the bathroom quickly, for Kevin had no use for cold water right then. He grabbed the soap and tried to scrub away all the dirt and grime from his body and he did this in a mad haste for he felt unclean. He repeated this action for several minutes, all over his body, almost using a whole bar of soap in doing so. But he still only felt somewhat clean.

He still felt raped, and he knew there was no way that he could scrub or wash away that feeling.

He stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around him. It still hurt to walk but he managed and  walked out of the bathroom and grabbed a shirt and pants out of the closet. Then he saw his ripped shirt on the floor. Don't look at it. Don't remember it. Don't cry. For Christ's sake, do not cry again! That'll only make it worse. But he wanted to cry, anyway.

He quickly got dressed and didn't even look in the mirror. What was the use in doing that anymore if he didn't even recognise himself? It wasn't the same Kevin Richardson staring back at him that it used to be. No. This Kevin Richardson was haunted...and raped.

His whole life was on a string and it was just waiting to snap. One more bad thing happened, and he knew that would be it. He saw the metal blade sitting on the nightstand and made a pact with himself. One last time. Be strong one more time, and it'll all be over. Just one more time...

Kevin knew who was responsible. He'd known it all along. Nick. Nick thought Kevin was crying too much to see him creeping out of the room. Nick didn't know that Kevin saw him leave. Nick thought that Kevin didn't know anything, but damn was he wrong and he was finally going to pay, with nothing less than his life. Sounded extreme, but be that as it may, Kevin had to resort to extremist actions. He walked out of his room, not even caring to lock it anymore, and tried not to make it seem as though he was walking with a slight limp as he made his way down to the rec room, where he knew Nick would be. He passed several staff and nodded politely before coming to the door and peered in. Nick was alone, sitting on the couch.

Perfect.

He pushed the doors open and walked in. He saw Nick jump in surprise. Aren't we a little testy? Serves you fucking right! "I see you're not looking smug as per usual, little boy."

Nick stood up and became aware of the bruises on Kevin's face and took a step back. He swallowed nervously and Kevin could tell that he was afraid. "Look, I just want to say that - "

"You don't need to say anything," Kevin whispered, squaring his shoulders. One more time. Be strong one more time. "I know it was you, Nick."

Nick was startled. "Huh?"

"I know you made them do that to me!" Kevin paused for a few moments. "I saw you creeping out. You thought I didn't see."

"But that's good!" Nick exclaimed. "Because I wanted to say that I'm - "

"Say anything more," Kevin seethed in a low voice, "and I'll do to you what they did to me." His expression turned into hate, and Nick recognised it well. He felt scared when Kevin began stalking him and he took several steps back as Kevin stepped closer to him.

"Just remember this, little boy: what goes around, comes around. You'll get yours, that's a promise." Kevin continued to stalk him. "I may not get you now, but I'll get you when you least expect it, and it won't be anything you could ever possibly prepare yourself for. My advice is to sleep with one eye open, little boy, for what I'll do will be nothing compared to what they did to me."

Nick's heart was racing and his throat was slack as Kevin retreated from the room. His shoulders sagged. "I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

Kevin, on the outside, heard him say that. "Sorry doesn't help now," he replied softly and began to walk down the hall.

He walked straight toward the elevator and waited for the doors to open. He was good at the tough and strong and nothing-can-ever-hurt-me facade, but on the inside he was crumbling. He felt disgusting, uncleaned, violated and used. He'd cried the whole night, sobbing his heart out in pain, agony and hurt. When he saw Nick's figure leaving the room, that made him cry even more. The one person that he promised to stop hurting had hurt him, and in the worst way. His crushed and beaten soul was quickly dying and his whole body felt like it was hanging on a string, ready to snap. All it would take was another act of rage, and he'd be gone.

Long, long gone.

The doors opened and A.J. stepped out. His face turned to horror and his eyes widened when saw the bruises on Kevin's face. "Jesus!" he exclaimed. "What happened to you, Kevin?"

Kevin shook his head wildly, trying to fight back the urge to confess everything, to throw himself into A.J.'s arms and cry like a baby. "N-n-no, it's...see the thing is..."

A.J. remained looking concerned at the expression in Kevin's eyes. Something had happened to Kevin, he knew that, and he had a strong belief that it had something to do with Nick. He silently prayed to God that Kevin was going to let him help. "What is it, Kevin? You can tell me."

Kevin shook his head again. "Nothing."

A.J. took him by the shoulders and spoke to him in a soft voice. "Kevin, you're shaking! What's the matter with you? Tell me, please!"

Kevin shoved him away. "Nothing!"

A.J sighed in exasperation. "Come on, Kevin, look at yourself! Are you blind?" he asked incredulously. "I want to help you, but I can't unless you tell me what happened!"

I was raped, A.J.! He made them rape me! RAPE! Do you have any idea how loud I screamed?! Do you have any idea how I begged them to stop?! Do you have any idea how much I cried?! Do you have any idea how that feels inside? Do you know that my life's hanging by a thread!? Do you know that I can't even recognise myself anymore?! Do you know that I don't even want to live?!

But Kevin simply cleared his throat to rid it of the lump that was forming. "Really, it's nothing."

Help me, A.J.! Please, help me! Make this pain go away! Make him stop!

Then Kevin stepped into the elevator and the doors closed.

A.J. shook his head. "He's lying, I know it, and he looks like he's vanishing right before our eyes," he said to himself, "and I'm the only one who'll even give a shit when it's all fucking Nick's fault!"

But Kevin in the elevator, sunk to the floor, his back against the wall, his knees tucked to his chest, cried once more.

Nick sighed and felt strangely weird. Not just weird, but there was something in the room that made him feel uneasy. Or there was something inside him that was making him feel uneasy. Something inside him was churning his stomach. Something inside was making his heart sink. And something inside him was making him feel as though he'd done something very bad and very, very wrong.  Suddenly, he realised what was making him feel the way that he was feeling. He'd known it for some time, but only now had it hit him full force and straight in the face. It was like a wake-up call and the alarm was resounding in his head. Incessantly.

Guilty. He was guilty.

Now he felt remorse.

But what have I done to him that he hasn't done to me? Nick thought sadly and sat down on one of the long, l-shaped black leather couches. This is ridiculous. How can you feel guilty when you wanted him to hurt? Are you really that fucking spineless, Carter?

Well, he assumed now that he was for there was nothing but pain, sorrow and remorse washing over him like a continuous rough wave in a torrid ocean. He couldn't shake the sound of Kevin's screaming out of his head. Though he'd gotten those two men to do that, he was the one that decided to watch and he felt some sort of satisfaction. But after a few hours of being tormented by the memory of Kevin's screaming, all of sudden he'd wished he hadn't done what he did.

But there was something about the sound of Kevin's screaming that he simply couldn't rid himself of. It wasn't just Kevin screaming that plagued him so much. No, he'd heard that before. But it was the pitch and the anguish that accompanied it that made him feel regret. He imagined if he was in Kevin's place. What would he do? Would he scream, just the same way as Kevin? Would he cry, just as Kevin did? Would he curl up into a foetal position and sob his heart out? Would he want revenge for that despicable act?

Yes.

That was the only answer he could think of. He'd want to scream, just as Kevin did. He'd want to cry, just as Kevin did. He would curl up into a tiny ball and cry and cry and cry. But he knew that Kevin would never do what he had done to Kevin. Never in his whole life. Even though Kevin certainly had his share of inflicting violence onto Nick, the one thing he knew was that Kevin would never do what he had done. And now he was racked with guilt, for now he understood the full measurement of what he'd done and how drastic his actions were. He knew that nobody deserved that kind of treatment.

Not even Kevin.

He now knew the full enormity of what he had done to Kevin, and he knew that Kevin would be angry, and he knew full well that when Kevin was angry, he normally came after him, and when Kevin went after him, Nick knew that he'd get his, that his time to hurt, to pain, would come. And when he least expected it. That was Kevin. Sly and sinister like a snake.

He'd had his little bout of fun with Kevin. He'd used and played with Kevin enough. He knew that Kevin was hurting, and now Nick made a pact with himself to stop all this shit between them and finally apologise for everything he'd ever done to hurt Kevin. Differences pushed aside, Nick would swallow his pride and apologise, and hope to God that Kevin would see just how guilty he was and he'd find it deep inside his battered heart to forgive him,

Somehow, some way, words meant everything to him, and now Kevin was out for retribution. Well, nothing really new there. If Kevin had done to him what he did to Kevin, he'd be out for revenge and wouldn't be satisfied until death was the outcome. He couldn't believe he'd actually done that. He must've been having a moment of fugue, or insanity, for there was nothing anyone could ever do to deserve that kind of treatment. Not even Kevin.

Nick was sorry and there was a certain sweetness about that, for Nick rarely apologised for anything. But he was going to apologise for this and if Kevin wanted revenge or retribution or whatever, he'd be ready. Ready and waiting. Not with anger. Not with aggression. But with pacifism and an apology from the depths of his soul.

It actually meant and signified something important to him, like something that they had both shared. Nick closed his eyes and a vision flashed before him. Though it seemed like a distant memory, it seemed intact in his mind. It was just like a dream, and in that dream there was no hate between them. There was only love, and no room for anything else. In that dream there was just the two of them, surrounding themselves with their love, metaphorically drowning in it, even. Then, the two of them, together, came into view.

Kevin made the first move by kissing Nick first, and Nick eagerly responded. And from then on, hate and anger faded away into burning desire and soon their bodies blended together as though they were one. They kissed, over and over again, they touched and they loved like they had loved no other. They fulfilled each other, they simply made each other complete. And if the fire between them fizzled, even in the slightest, they could be sure that it would begin again, with a tender kiss or a gentle touch. Then they just held each other.

Nick opened his eyes again and a tear trickled down his cheek. It seemed so real, like it had actually happened, like some sort of weird but wonderful reality. But when he opened his eyes, it was gone. His heart was aching. His body was consumed by guilt. There had to be some sort of way he could stop himself from hating Kevin as he did. There had to be some sort of way to stop himself from doing all those cruel things to Kevin. There had to be, didn't there?

A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. Nick gasped and jumped up. He opened the door, praying that it was Kevin. But it was only A.J. His heart sank. "Oh, it's you."

A.J. pushed Nick away from the door and slammed him hard against the wall. "What did you do to Kevin?" he screamed. "What are you doing to him?"

"Nothing!" Nick exclaimed.

A.J. shoved Nick against the wall again, this time in frustration. "Bullshit! I saw him just minutes ago! His face was bruised, his body was shaking, his eyes were dead! You call that nothing? What the hell is going on?"

Nick struggled with A.J.'s strength pinning him to the wall. He hated the fact that A.J. had quite a substantial amount of strength within him. "Like I said, I've done absolutely nothing!"

A.J. let him go and sighed in frustration. He stared resolutely into Nick's blue eyes. He suddenly had the urge to hit Nick, and hit him hard for he knew that underneath the surface lurked a very dark and horrible secret. No one was trying to find out what it was. Except for him. He knew that Nick had something to do with Kevin being the way he was, that was no goddamn secret.

"You think he's emotionally unstable and on the verge of tears twenty-four-seven because he wants to be? I know you're doing something to him, and I want to know. NOW!"

"And like I said," Nick retorted, "I’ve done nothing."

"So why don't I believe you?" A.J. challenged. "Why do I believe as though Kevin's crying out for help?"

Nick leaned back against the wall and sighed before closing his eyes momentarily. He opened them to see A.J. still staring at him. "You wouldn't understand."

A.J. stepped back, his hands outstretched. "So then help me understand. What's going on?"

Nick remained silent.

"Oh, come on!' A.J. yelled. "Do I have to get physical with you? Do you only respond to a few punches? Is that what you want? Would you like me to hit you? Would you like me to call you names? Maybe even little boy? Is that what it's going to take to get anything from you?" He paused. "Or do you want me to be Kevin? Is that it? Would you rather Kevin be here instead of me?"

Nick's lower lip trembled again. A.J. guessed exactly right and he hated him for it. Was he really that transparent? Was his heart that much on display? "Get out," he hissed.

"Oh, you can bet your sorry ass I'm going to get out," A.J. replied and walked over to the door. "And you know what else?" he asked when he opened it.

Nick stood up straighter, to show that he wasn't rattled at all. "What?"

A.J. was full of anger and it was anger directed straight at Nick. He hoped to God that his words hurt. "One day, not too far away, we're going to find Kevin dead on the floor if you don't stop this shit, and I'll have no hesitation in holding you solely responsible."

"Fuck you!"

"I hope Karma does its job."

The door slammed and reverberated through the room and a shiver ran right through him. Kevin wouldn't do that. Would he? Kevin was too strong for that.

Wasn't he?

Kevin would never take his own life.

Or would he?

~***~