"Nick, tell me why Kevin tried to kill himself. Tell me why you two hate each other so much. I'm not going to give up this time until you tell me." A.J. stared resolutely into Nick's eyes. "So, what's been going on between you? Tell me. Now."

The hospital waiting room was eerily silent and devoid of people. Except for the four men, including Howie now who had been quite hysterical when he had found out about Kevin, and the occasional nurse or doctor walking back and forth on errands and visiting patients and such. The coolness of the air-conditioning made goose bumps appear on Nick's arms and the smell of the place was a mixture of a whole lot of cleaning products and antiseptic, which gave it that extremely-cleansed smell.

They hadn't been sitting there for long, so no doctor had come in to see them or talk to them about Kevin’s condition. They simply sat there in their chairs, all four of them, mainly silent most of the time. Except for now. Except for now A.J. and the other two men were absolutely dying to find out what went wrong between Nick and Kevin.

There had been a lot of yelling and screaming between the four men, particularly between A.J. and Nick. Brian and Howie were on the sidelines as usual. In the way that Nick had begun to deal with Kevin, he allowed A.J. to do whatever he wanted for he knew, deep down inside his heart, that he deserved everything he got. Including a few punches and vulgar expressions that was usual from A.J. But, A.J. found it rather hard to really want to hurt Nick, for he saw something in Nick's eyes that made him think that Kevin in hospital was punishment far enough.

Now, all he wanted to do was understand, which was why he was questioning Nick and made a deal with himself to never back off.

Nick looked away, feeling like a small little boy under three scrutinizing gazes. "Don't worry, it's a long story."

Brian sat back in his chair and crossed his arms in a show of defiance. "I like long stories."

Howie nodded, his eyes unforgiving and unrelenting. "Me, too."

Nick sighed in defeat and continued looking away from his three friends. For some reason, he just couldn't look at them in the eyes, for he was guilty and his body was racked with remorse. He was the one who put Kevin in hospital. He was the one who made Kevin try and kill himself. If only he had just apologized when he wanted himself to, this whole mess could've been avoided and the two of them could've....well, most probably have tried to patch things up, at the very least. But as always, pride had gotten in the way. As per usual.

Nick shook his head despairingly. "You don't want to know," he whispered.

"Yes, we do," A.J snapped and raised his voice as he continued, "and I want to know why Kevin tried to kill himself! Stop fucking around and tell us what happened!" He paused. "If you don't, I'll do to you what Kevin did to himself. Now, what happened?"

Nick buried his head in his hands. "It's just...you'll hate me! You'll hate me so much!" he sobbed.

Howie patted Nick soothingly on the back. His heart immediately went out to him, who was sobbing uncontrollably. "No, we won't. Right guys?" He gave A.J. and Brian a meaningful look. "Come on, Nick," he said softly, "tell us what happened. It's not good keeping all your emotions inside. Don't shut us out when we're reaching out to help you. Tell us."

Nick lifted his head up out of his hands, his expression wary, his eyes red and bloodshot from crying, his face tear-stained. He sniffed and swallowed nervously. "Only if you promise not to hate me for what I'm about to tell you. Only if you promise to try and understand. Only if you promise not to run out. Only if you promise not to hate me," he finished in a whisper.

"We won't," they all said simultaneously.

Nick swallowed nervously. He prayed to God that they would understand. He prayed to God that they wouldn't hate him for what he had done and for what he was about to tell them. He swallowed nervously and took a deep breath. He exhaled slowly. "Kevin...umm, well, he ummm..."

"Kevin...ummm...what?" Brian asked.

Nick lowered his head in shame. "He caught us," he whispered.

"Caught who?" A.J. demanded, his body tensing up at the words, for he had an inkling as to who. "Come on, who?"

A tear trickled down Nick's cheek as he remembered. He sniffed again. "Me." A pause. "And Kristin."

They were all speechless. They didn't know what to say. All that could be heard was the low, rhythmical humming of the air-conditioning in the hospital. As Nick stared at his three friends, his heart stopped as his mind registered their expressions. They hated him. He knew it. They hated him for him what he'd done. He could tell just by the fact that they hadn't said anything yet. He knew they'd hate him, and he deserved that, for what he had done was nothing short of ruining a marriage, and now ruining a person. That person was Kevin and now, joining Kevin, the three others hated him. But Nick convinced himself that he deserved it.

If they hated him, he had it coming to him.

Brian was the first to speak. "You bastard. What kind of a man are you?" he hissed and his eyes narrowed hatefully. He slowly got up off his chair and stood in front of Nick, his blue eyes throwing daggers into Nick's heart. "You keep away from Leighanne, you hear me?"

With that said and another glare, he rushed out of the waiting room.

"Brian, wait!" Howie called out. Then, he turned to Nick, his dark eyes a raging black inferno, full of hate and anger. "No wonder Kevin beat the shit out of you. You were fucking his wife! And if Kevin did rape you, if that's what you're trying to make us believe, then good on him. Kudos to Kevin, you deserved every minute of it." He made a disgusted spitting noise and hurried out after Brian.

Nick buried his head in his hands and began to sob. "I didn't want to tell you, because I knew that would happen! I deserve it, just like Howie says. I deserved everything Kevin did to me! Everything!"

A.J. sighed, shaking his head in disbelief. He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. Nick was sleeping with Kristin, and Kevin found them and...raped Nick as payback? God, it seemed like something out of a movie, not real life. He swallowed hard, his heart beating furiously, his mind spinning with the revelation.

A.J. cleared his throat. "Why Kristin, Nick? You could've had any woman in the world. Why her? Why Kevin's wife? Why would you do that to him, your best friend?"

Nick shrugged helplessly. There was a lot of hurt and pain running through his body right then, but he knew he deserved every minute, just like Howie had said. "She was beautiful, and I couldn't have her, so that made me want her even more. She came to me one night, when Kevin didn't know, and she was crying. She told me...well..."

"Told you what?"

"She told me that her marriage was falling apart and that she wasn't happy with Kevin anymore." Nick paused. "She said that everything had fizzled out, especially sex. She said that she'd been...well...pretending, I guess, for some time that she enjoyed it when she really didn't. She was just...there, beautiful and crying and I was there and one thing led to another..."

"Is that all, Nick?" A.J. asked quietly after a long silence of trying to comprehend this whole mess. "Is that really all that happened? I mean, come on, Kevin tried to kill himself. There has to be more to it than that."

Nick sniffed loudly and wiped away his tears before nodding wildly. "Y-y-yes," he stammered. "There is. Much more. So much m-m-more."

A.J. sat back in his chair, rendered speechless yet again. He stared down at the carpet with wide eyes, with horror. Kevin and Nick...were sleeping together? After everything that they had done to each other? How was it possible that none of them knew? How was all this possible? It didn't seem possible. He hoped this was a dream, but one look at Nick's tear-stained face told him it so was not a dream. "God, Nick, are you telling me that...?"

Nick nodded. "Yes, it's exactly what I'm telling you."

"How? Why?" A.J. demanded. "Even after you slept with Kristin and Kevin raped you, you were sleeping together? And how did I not know about this?"

Nick shrugged and wiped away a tear that trickled down his cheek. "I guess we were pretty good at fooling you, huh?"

"You don't say," A.J. said dryly. He shook his head. "God, I can't believe this. You and Kristin, maybe. But you and Kevin?"

Nick nodded again, and felt more tears pooling in his eyes. "I loved him, A.J. I love him. Is that such a crime?!" He let out a tiny sob. "He made me feel things I never thought I could feel! He made me express things I never thought I could! He made me do things I didn't think I could do! Each time he kissed me, or touched me, or held me, it was like...heaven. And when he...he was just amazing. I never thought I could do anything like that! He was..." He paused. "Everything, in every way."

"Then why did you make him want to kill himself?" A.J. yelled. "It just doesn't fucking add up! If you loved him so goddamn much, why'd you keep hurting him?! Why'd you push him over the edge and make him think that there was no way out? Why, Nick? Why?!"

"Why?" Nick yelled back. "You want to know why? Fine, I'll tell you why!"

"He said..." Nick stalled to catch his breath from wanting to cry like a baby. "He said that...loving me was too beautiful for the shame and hate we'd come across if everyone found out, and he didn't want that." He finished this with a tear trickling down his cheek.

"So that's why you hated him so much," A.J. said slowly, trying to comprehend it all. "Because you fell in love and he left you and broke your heart."

Nick shook his head. "I knew you wouldn't understand," he said softly. "Kevin hurt me, he hurt me so bad I'd cry myself to sleep every night because he wasn't with me, and we had something special, A.J. He hurt me really bad, so bad my heart would break every time I looked at him, and you don't understand how that would feel, especially after you've given yourself to someone in the way I gave myself to Kevin."

"What? What's there to understand? You fucked Kristin, you fucked Kevin, and Kevin eventually fucked you!" A.J. said angrily. "Just because he left you gave you no goddamn right to make him hurt so much!"

Nick bowed his head in remorse. "I know," he whispered, "I know."

"Was it worth it?" A.J. asked. "Was it really and truly worth it? Surely it must've been. I mean, you don't screw a man unless it's damn good."

Nick sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "Part of the reason it ended was because...well...we were both starting to like it. Well, love it, more precisely." He laughed humorlessly. "It scared us both."

A.J. placed his head in his hands and leaned over, as though trying to gain some breathing room. "You're right, I don't understand this." He paused. "Why did you two all of a sudden start having sex? Because you were both angry, because Kevin was mad at you for sleeping with Kristin, and you were mad at him for raping you? Did the two of you just all of a sudden decide 'hey, let's have sex'?"

Nick shook his head. "Well, not exactly, but that's pretty close. One day, we were screaming at each other, like you know how we do, and suddenly, I grabbed him by the shirt and we just found ourselves in my bed, and I was kissing him and he was taking off my clothes and...all that." He lowered his head. "I don't understand how anger turns to passion or why we even started sleeping together, but we did and I know now that it's possible to hate someone so much that you subconsciously want and need them, and we just...it was a way to release our anger."

"How?"

Nick looked away, not really wanting to explain how things between them had gotten like this, but he knew he needed to get it all out now or be silent forever, and that was something he didn't want anymore. "Well, we were really rough with each other in the beginning. You know, really rough. We'd beat each other around, see who could stand the most pain, see who was the weakest and scream for mercy first...and so on. But...well...it changed..."

"From what"?

"I'm ashamed to tell you this but..." Nick paused, trying to find the right words or find the courage to say what needed to be said. "But, well, in the beginning we were rough, you know that, we'd do anything to hurt each other. We'd cuff each other to the bed, beat each other, gag if need be, stuff like that, and instead of being gentle, caring and loving with each other, the way that sex's meant to be, we made it as painful as possible, almost like we were raping each other. "

"Hmm, nice stuff," A.J. commented with a shake of his head. "So how did that all change?"

"We stopped being rough with each other, and got close. Really close," Nick answered softly, a faraway expression on his face, as though he was remembering a bittersweet moment that made him somewhat wistful for the past. "One night he crept into my room and I thought he was going to be rough with me, but he wasn't - he was more loving than ever before."

A.J. nodded. "Right."

"I realized that I liked that side of him and he liked that side of me when I was gentle and loving with him. We started using sex as a way to be intimate and close to one another, not as a way to hurt each other. And we suddenly realized that and we saw it as something more than just a way to relinquish hate, but as a way to relinquish love. When he stopped being rough with me, I wanted every gentle little thing that he did to me. I wanted it all."

A.J.'s face had long since paled. "Like what?"

"Come on, A.J., you know what happens when you have sex," Nick answered sheepishly.

"Not with a man, I don't."

Nick sighed. "I wanted him to kiss me the way he did. I wanted him to touch me the way he did. I wanted him to hold me the way he did. I wanted him to whisper soothing words to me the way he did. I wanted to feel him running his fingers through my hair. I wanted to feel his body against mine. I wanted to feel that rush of euphoria that ran through me and I wanted him to say he was sorry." Nick paused. "Though he didn't really have to," he added in a dulcet tone.

"And why not?"

Nick shrugged, feeling helpless and small, like he had so many times before in the past, especially when he had to explain all this, without Kevin, without Kevin to help him, to hold him, and the possibility of never having that again almost brought him to tears once again. "Because you can't call it rape if you want it."

"Excuse me? Say that again?" A.J. demanded. "You're telling me that you wanted to have sex with Kevin, long before the first time?"

"I don't know," Nick said softly. "All I know is that, even though he was supposed to be raping me, he was surprisingly gentle."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," Nick said, searching for the right words to explain what he was trying to say, and if he could say it at all. "He kissed me and wouldn't you say that kissing is intimate, something you don't do if you're raping someone?"

"I guess so," A.J. mused.

"And wouldn't you say," Nick continued, "that you wouldn't ask someone, if you're raping them, if you're hurting them? If they're all right? If they even like what you're doing to them?"

"God, I can't believe this," A.J. breathed, shaking his head in disbelief. "I just can't believe it. I mean, you two were sleeping together and none of us ever knew. Shit, Nick, do you understand what that means? Are you telling me something about your true sexuality here?"

"Fuck you, A.J.!" Nick cried, feeling more tears run down his face. "You don't think Kevin hating being the way he was, without a wife, without anything, and him loving me after he raped me, hurt me, too? It was my fault, A.J.! I'm not fucking blind! I know I ruined his whole life! I know I made him want to kill himself! I know I did all that, and it's all my fault! I'm not goddamn stupid!"

"Soooo," A.J. drawled, moving back to a more serious topic. "You thought that if you started beating each other to a pulp - throwing each other into walls, punching each other, hurling abuse, inflicting suicidal tendencies onto one another, making each other feel like life’s not worth living - that could disguise the fact that you were both in love with each other. but Kevin broke your heart and you were seeking revenge?"

Nick nodded. "Exactly."

But there's much more, so much more, that you wouldn't understand...

There was silence. A.J. was trying to understand what had happened between Nick and Kevin and how, someway, they didn’t know what was going on. They weren’t blind. They were completely ignorant to the things around them. They certainly didn’t have cloth ears.

So how was it possible that neither Nick nor Kevin had come forth with the story? Particularly Nick, who had been supposedly "raped" by Kevin, but obviously that had turned into something more. Something more intense. Something more heartfelt. Something more out of the ordinary. Something that they hadn’t expected from either man.

"Do you still love him?" A.J. asked softly.

Nick simply nodded.

I’m so sorry, Kevin, and when you wake up, I’m going to pledge my whole life to making you better. I'm going to give you my entire soul so you forgive me. Another tear trickled down his cheek, and this time he allowed it. I love you, Kevin, I do. I think I always have and now I always will.