~*~

"Mr McLean? Mr Carter?"

They had both fallen asleep in the hospital waiting room after most of the story of Nick and Kevin's hatred and abuse had been revealed, and Brian and Howie had not yet returned from wherever they had disappeared to. And Nick was upset, because they hadn't heard the full story, so they went away hating him instead of feeling sad and sorry for him, or at least feeling some sympathy for the fact that Nick still loved him, despite everything that had happened. But, deep in his heart, he deserved their hate.

At least it helped his conscience a little. If they hated him, he had it coming to him. After all, he'd done some horrible things to Kevin and their reaction was just as he'd expected. They hated him and he knew they did but he'd just have to deal with it and understand that he deserved all their hatred and anger for what he'd done.

He didn't think that there was any way that he could feel more hatred and anger for himself, held against himself. But he did now and now he knew exactly how Kevin felt, how Kevin was living before he'd tried to take his life. There was nothing more that he wanted to do than to just magically make Kevin, and the situation, all better again, to magically make it seem as though this hell that he was living in, the hell that he'd done, didn't happen.

But it did, and there was no changing that, so Nick had to do the next best thing. Deal with it, and hopefully, in time, Howie and Brian, and Kevin would forgive him for what he'd done. He knew it was a long shot after everything, but he had to try. He was sorry, and if they just knew that, maybe then everything could be healed once more.

Nick slowly opened his eyes and saw a doctor in a white coat standing before him. He nudged A.J. awake before sitting up, stifling a yawn. "How is he?"

The doctor's face was expressionless as he talked, with a clipboard and pen in hand and a stethoscope slung around his neck. "Mr Richardson is in intensive care at the moment, and we've managed to sustain the bleeding. He's lost a lot of blood but I will say that he's one hell of a fighter. He was an inch from his life."

A.J. breathed a sigh of relief. "When can we see him?"

"Right now we're only permitting his immediate family visitation rights," he said and scanned his clipboard before looking up at Nick. "Mr Carter, you're listed as Mr Richardson's next of kin. His partner, I believe."

"I am?" Nick asked in disbelief. Since when did Kevin consider Nick to be his partner? His head began to spin. Wouldn't he put Kristin as his next of kin? This was all getting to be too much. His partner? His mind reeled at the thought. He never knew, or even suspected, that Kevin thought of him as his partner. Because, classifying Nick as his partner meant that Kevin loved him. Did he? And now that he did think of Nick as that, or had at least one time in the past, Nick felt himself wanting to cry all over again.

"The records have been altered slightly in the last few months," the doctor informed them. "Mr. Richardson has specified you, Mr. Carter.

Nick frowned and looked across to A.J. A.J. shrugged helplessly before Nick turned back to the doctor, who was waiting for his reply. "Uhhh...yeah, that's right."

The doctor nodded. "Right this way, please," he said and started walking out of the waiting room.

"I'll be back soon," Nick told A.J. before following the doctor out of the waiting room and down the hospital corridors.

The hospital corridors were white and bare and stunk to high heaven of disinfectant. Their shoes squelched on the white linoleum floor as they walked down the corridor to the intensive care unit. A series of fluorescent lights spanned the width of the ceiling and shone a ray of yellow onto the floor.

They came closer and closer to ICU, and Nick sensed fear and death from the lack of noise surrounding them and the coldness of the place itself. The lights seemed to glare into Nick's blue eyes, and the vast and vacant hall seemed to be getting longer and longer, instead of shorter. Or maybe it was his fatigued mind overreacting. He kept walking, taking one step at a time, following the doctor, and taking a few small breaths to calm himself.

The doctor suddenly stopped before a door and motioned inside the room. "This is Mr Richardson's room. Be warned, he's heavily under morphine and he's still in a coma at present, so you won't get anything from him."

Nick, as yet, hadn't had the heart to stare into the room and see Kevin between the stark white sheets. He just knew that his heart would crumble the moment he saw him. "Is he..." He cleared his throat. "Is he in a lot of pain?"

"That's the beauty of morphine, Mr Carter, you can't feel a thing." The doctor paused and consulted his clipboard before looking back up to Nick once more. "He's not in any pain whatsoever. He's probably dreaming about leprechauns singing him lullaby's," he added with a chuckle.

"Good," Nick said firmly but softly. "I don't want him to hurt."

"Mr Carter," the doctor began softly, a small frown crossing his face, "he was still slightly conscious when we he was brought in here. I think you should know that he was begging for someone he called Nicky to be at his side. He was crying Nicky over and over again. I assumed Nicky was a relative of his and, if so, should he or she be contacted in the event or possibility of Mr Richardson taking a turn for the worst..."

Tears welled in Nick's eyes at the doctor's words. He felt like his heart had dropped to the floor and smashed into a million tiny obscure pieces that had no hope of being put back together again. Just like Humpty Dumpty. Kevin dying? No. Kevin wasn't going to die. That was simply outrageous. Ridiculous. Kevin wasn't going to die. He just wasn't. He took a moment to compose himself and eventually he managed to hold back his tears. He cleared his throat again. "So, how long can I be in there for?"

"An hour, tops," the doctor said. "After that, we have to perform routine check-ups on his condition and we don't allow family members to be present." He motioned to the door. "You can go in now. I'll come back when the hour's up."

Nick nodded his thanks and watched the doctor disappear down the long, white linoleum corridor. He continued to watch the doctor walking away until he had disappeared fully. He sighed and turned to the door. You can do this. Just be strong. You can do this. He chanted this mantra to himself over and over again while he took hold of the door handle. He took a deep breath and slowly twisted the handle and pushed the door open. When he looked up and saw Kevin between the white sheets, in the cold metal hospital bed, he gasped. Kevin's wrists were bandaged up. An IV tube had been forced into his arm. A machine that monitored his heart rate, pulse and other readings beeped rhythmically. His lips were blue. His face was as white as the sheets he was laying between. And Nick began to cry. Heart-wrenching sobs that could be heard down the corridor.

You did this to him, you son of a bitch!

"I'm so sorry, Kevin, I'm so sorry," Nick whispered tearfully and sat down on the chair beside the bed. He sniffed and wiped his tears away before taking Kevin's cool, clammy hand in his own. The air-conditioning vent hummed softly in the background. Another tear trickled down his cheek. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like this, and I know I did. But...you hurt me, too, Kevin! You broke my heart. I loved you. I loved you so much! Why did you leave?"

There was no response, except for repeated beeps from the machine and low hums from the air-conditioning vent. "I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt you by beating you and having you raped, but I just wanted you to know how I felt! I just wanted you to know how I felt when you raped me! I just wanted you to know how hurt I was when you said that you couldn't love me anymore. I just wanted you to know how much I was hurting inside."

There was still no response, Kevin's body was prone and unmoving.

Nick looked up at Kevin and kissed his forehead gingerly. "But I still love you, Kevin," he whispered. "I still love you and I always will." He kissed Kevin's hand gently. "And I'm sorry for sleeping with Kristin. I'm sorry for ruining your marriage. I'm sorry for all of that. But you know why I did it?" He paused. "Because I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be you. The guy who everybody admired and said was so good-looking and had the perfect marriage. Nobody loved me, Kevin. Nobody said that about me. Nobody. I was just a kid compared to you. And when Kristin came to me, she treated me like a man, and I never had that before. I thought that maybe she could love me, and I could love her, and I could be like you - a man who had somebody's love and could easily treat a woman like a woman, and not a girl."

Nick stared at Kevin's face and the more he stared at Kevin, the more he became aware of the paleness of his face, and it made him want to cry all over again. His body was fraught with guilt and silently he willed Kevin to wake up. But he didn't, he kept on laying there with his eyes shut. He continued to hold onto Kevin's hand.

"She said she didn't love you anymore. She was crying, Kevin, because there was nothing between you anymore. She said you didn't love her like you used to, you didn't fulfil her like you used to, and she was crying. So...I thought that maybe I could love her like she needed to be loved, the way you used to, and she let me."

Several tears ran down Nick's face as he continued to stare at Kevin. "I didn't mean to hurt you, or make you cry, or ruin your life, or want to kill yourself! I just...wanted you to know how I felt! I felt like I didn't have anything and nobody wanted me! Nobody has ever wanted me to love them as much as Kristin did." He paused and wiped a tear away. "That is, before you. And I know what I did was wrong, and what you did was nothing but revenge, but I never expected to fall in love with you. I know you were scared of that, and it scared me too, but did I go ending it and breaking your heart like you broke mine?" He paused again. "I guess I did break your heart eventually, didn't I? Believe me, Kevin, when I say that I never meant to. I never meant for you to take it this far." More tears streamed down Nick's face. "I'm stupid, Kevin, I know I am! I never meant to hurt you. All I ever wanted to do was love you!"

Silence surrounded them again once he stopped talking, except for the sound of the machines and the air-conditioning yet again. Kevin's body remained prone and still, his face white as a ghost and devoid of emotion, his wrists bandaged up and an IV tube ran from a vein in the crease in his arm, giving his weak and fragile body the life it so sorely and desperately needed. The room seemed to be suddenly cooler around him, and he continued to hold Kevin's hand in his own, tightly and surely holding onto it and never wanting to let go. He placed his head down beside Kevin's thigh.

"I'm sorry, Kevin, I'm so sorry for doing this to you," he whispered and another tear trickled down his cheek. "But I'm going to make it up to you. I'm going to devote my entire life to making sure that you get better, and maybe you might think it would be okay to like me again, maybe even love me again. Because, you know what? I love you."

Kevin's body remained still, lifeless.

Nick sat up and stared at Kevin, his crystal-blue eyes shining with tears. "I know it scared you, I know it did, but did you know that it scared me, too? Did you know that everything I've done to you, you've done to me? And do you know that everyone hates me, now, not you? But you know what? They can hate me, because I deserve it. I know I do." He paused and remained holding Kevin's hand. "Did I make you feel that bad? Did I make you feel that low and worthless? Because you're not, Kevin, you mean everything to me, to everyone. We need you, Kevin. I need you. I can't go on without you, I know that now. There's no way that I could live with myself if you died. There's no way that I'd want to live. I'd do exactly what you did, so I could be with you, you know that?"

Kevin refused to answer.

"Was it something I did that made you leave?" Nick asked sadly. "Was the things that I did just too hurtful? But didn't I make you happy, even for a little while? Didn't I love you enough? Didn't I say that enough? Didn't I give you what you wanted, what you needed? Was I wrong for loving you? Were you just using me, playing me, like a toy? Is that it? Were you just playing with me? You weren't, were you? If you were...that would be the end of me, you know that, right? I loved you so much, Kevin, and I still do, and I'm sure that I always will. There's no way that I'll ever stop loving you, and whatever you've done to me is just simply...revenge. I can see it in that way, and hopefully...maybe...well...you will, too."

The rhythmical beeping and the humming of the air-conditioning continued, and as he stared at Kevin, A.J.'s words reverberated in his mind. Because he didn't think he'd make it, and from the way he's been acting lately, he probably doesn't even want to...

Nick began to sob. "Please, Kevin, don't die on me! Please don't die! I'll do anything, anything! Just don't leave me! I can't live without you, and if you die I'll never be the same! Just tell me what it would take to make you wake up, and I'll do it! Just please, don't die on me! Don't die!" He sniffed and wiped his tears away. "You can't die, Kevin, you just can't. There's no way I would want to live if you don't. You have to wake up. You have to. Please, please, please..."

Kevin still refused to answer.

Silence surrounded him again when he paused and closed his eyes momentarily, his eyes growing heavy, his whole body tired. "You know what, Kevin? You're going to get out of here, and I'm going to take care of you. I'm going to watch over you, all day, every day. That's twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, I'm going to take care of you so you never do this again. And you're going to get better, and I'm going to make sure you will. I'm going to be around you so much from now on that you're going to get sick of me, but you're going to need me and want me. If you thought you could end all this by suicide, you've got it all wrong, hear me? You're going to want me again, Kevin, you can be sure of that. And be sure of this, too: it isn't over. You might as well face it right now, Kevin, this isn't over between us."

There was no way that he was going to let Kevin die, not as long as he was alive. There was no way that Kevin was going to die. As long as Nick was beside him, taking care of him, talking to him, holding him, he wouldn't die. Nick was sure that Kevin would wake up. He just had to. People like Kevin didn't die. Not people like Kevin, not people who were needed and wanted so badly it was almost obsessive. No, Nick was right. People like Kevin just didn't die like that. There was no way that Kevin was going to die.

People like Kevin just....didn't...die.

Or did they?

That was the question.

Kevin, once again, refused to answer.

~*~