~*~

Is something wrong? she said
Well of course there is.
You're still alive, she said.
Oh, and do I deserve to be?
Is that the question?
And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...

"Do you think he's ever going to wake up?" A.J. asked softly, his head resting in the palm of his hand that was leaning against the chair.

They were both slumped in chairs, their bodies consumed by fatigue, for they tried to sleep but ultimately couldn't, in case they missed the rare chance of Kevin waking up. A.J. had found Nick asleep with his head placed next to Kevin's thigh, his fingers entwined with Kevin's. When he had first walked in and his eyes became aware of it, he was stunned.

Because even though Nick had told him the whole story and he seemed to deal with it fine in words, he couldn't deal with it as well in reality. And the reality was that he saw his two best friends holding hands. Well, actually one of them was practically forcing the other to, and it seemed all too strange for him. He was still in shock from the revelations thus far and if there was anything more dramatic to the story, he was sure he'd scream insanity.

Nick yawned and shook his head, his eyes bleary, his body tired to his toes. He glanced over at Kevin and saw that he was still asleep. He sat up in his chair and stretched his arms. "He will, of course he will," he replied softly with a firmness in his voice. "Have you managed to get hold of Brian and Howie?"

A.J. shook his head and looked away. Had he? No. Had he tried? Yes. Everywhere. The hotel. Every bar in town. Underneath everything, he felt immensely sorry for Nick, who looked like he was on the verge of tears again as his blue eyes trailed over Kevin's lifeless body. His heart immediately went out to him. Though he wanted so badly to hit Nick for what he'd done, he also wanted to hug him.

He tried to convince himself that Nick was getting everything he deserved, but he didn't think that anyone deserved to add insult to injury like this, and he knew that underneath everything, Kevin being like this was pretty much tearing him apart, just like Kevin had been before attempting to commit suicide. But he was still angry. He was angry at the both of them. He was angry at Kevin for doing this to himself and not seeking help before letting himself get to this point, and he was angry at Nick for what he had done to make this whole thing happen between them.

"No. Both their cells are mysteriously turned off and their not answering at the hotel. I tried everywhere. They obviously don't want to see you or Kevin at the moment, which is pretty damn juvenile of them, if you ask me."

Nick winced, hating the fact that they went away not knowing the full story, hating the fact that even though they hated him, which he knew they would, they hated Kevin, too, and Kevin was the one was fighting for his life in a cold, metal hospital bed. It was Kevin that didn't want to live, Kevin who hadn't done wrong, and Kevin who needed them. All of them.

"Great. That's just great. Now everyone hates me!"

A.J. sat back in his chair and pressed his fingertips together in thought. "I don't hate you, Nick," he answered softly, choosing his words carefully for him, for he knew that anything that could be interpreted differently from what A.J. meant would ultimately enrage Nick, and he didn't want that. Not now, not here.

"I won't lie and say I didn't feel anger or hate, because I did. But when all's said and done, you know that there's no way in hell that I would ever, ever hate you. Momentary hate, possibly, but not eternal." A.J.'s eyes widened and stared in Nick's blue eyes. "Got that?"

Nick nodded quickly, tears filling up in his eyes and feeling an uncontrollable urge to jump up and throw himself in A.J.'s arms and start bawling like a child. But all he did was nod. "Yeah, crystal," he whispered, sniffling back his river of tears.

"And hey," A.J. continued, a tiny smile playing at his lips, nodding in the direction of Kevin, "he's going to be all right. He'll come out of this smelling like roses, trust me. I can just feel it in my gut, you know?"

Nick's vision became blurry with the tears that were shining in his eyes. "Yeah, I know exactly what you mean."

A.J. stood up, stretched and turned his eyes on Kevin before lowering his head in shame. "God, I feel so responsible. I should've helped," he whispered, feeling a tear pooling in the corner of his eyes. "God, I should've helped him. I knew he was going to do this."

Nick buried his head in his hands, his lower lip quivering, the tears in his eyes feeling like a dam that was about to burst and run down his cheeks like a raging river. "I could've helped him a long time ago, and I never did! That makes me the most responsible of all!" He sniffed and stared up at A.J., his heart full of guilt and sadness. "Oh, in answer to your questions, no, I can't sleep at night and no, I can't stand myself."

A.J. frowned. "What? What do you mean?"

"When you asked me whether or not I could stand myself with my best friend's attempted suicide on my conscience, my answer is no," Nick replied softly. "When you asked me whether or not I could sleep at night, knowing I'm responsible for him, my answer, again, is no. I haven't been able to sleep properly in a long time, A.J. A long, long time."

All A.J. could think of saying was, "I'm sorry for that, Nick. I truly am sorry."

Nick shook his head. "Don't be, I deserve it. I know I do." He turned his eyes back on Kevin and felt his lower lip tremble. "But no one deserves that," he whispered.

A.J. patted Nick's shoulder. "He's going to be fine, so will you, and hopefully this whole thing between you two will get sorted out, once and for all. And you never know, Brian and Howie might even show up one day soon."

Nick sighed despondently. "Yeah, right. They hate me, A.J., there's no use in denying it. They hate me. And Kevin hates me. Even I hate myself." He paused. "But that's okay, because I'd rather have everyone hating me for what I did than feel sorry for me, pitying me like I'm a helpless little boy. I hate that, A.J., you know I do, and I'd much rather you hate me than feel sorry for me right now."

A.J. exhaled slowly. "Too late, buddy," he replied softly and patted him on the shoulder again before heading over to the door. "I think it's time to search for these magically disappearing friend's of ours. I tell you, they've got great timing and can really be counted on when the going gets tough."

In any other circumstance, Nick would've laughed, at least even chuckled, at A.J.'s lame attempt at humor. But now in the situation that he was in, all he could do was sigh despondently again. "Don't hate them for hating me. Don't hate them."

"Don't hate yourself, and I won't," A.J. said kindly and shut the door quietly behind him after giving Nick a tiny smile.

Nick stared at the door for several moments, his mind going blank, like it was frozen over, like he was suffering from a moment of fugue where he simply couldn't make himself think of anything other than one word. One word that spun around in his mind, again and again like a tornado, a whirlwind, making himself dizzy. Dizzy. Crazy. Crazy. Dizzy. The walls were white and began to spin before him. His eyes started going fuzzy and blurry, and he blinked rapidly to snap himself out of it, but the one word that was spinning, twirling, dancing in his mind just wouldn't stop, and the more he thought about it, the more it became apparent just how significant and how important that one word was to him.

Kevin.

"N-N-Nick?" a whispering voice said.

Nick gasped and looked down to see Kevin's eyes fluttering open. He let out a tiny cry and immediately pulled his chair over by the side of Kevin's bed and threw himself down on it, reaching out to capture Kevin's hand with his own. Kevin's face was still ghostly-pale and Nick noticed the sunken eyes, the dark circles around them, fatigue and tire instantly showing themselves. Nick saw the vacant expression in his eyes, the rims of them heavily lined with a watery bright red, as though he'd been crying for a life-time. He gasped again and clutched Kevin's hand tighter, which made no attempt to respond.

"Kevin, you're awake."

Kevin's eyes closed momentarily and he exhaled. "Yes," he whispered and opened his haunted eyes to stare at the wall directly ahead of him, and not at the person who was sitting beside him and clutching his hand. "Oww, watch it. Hurts."

A tear trickled down Nick's face and he kissed Kevin's forehead. "I was so worried, Kevin, I was so scared! I was so scared that you were going to die!"

Kevin turned his eyes on Nick, appearing small and heavy, like they'd close and he'd fall back into a coma at any given moment. "Well, no," he said, his voice barely above a dulcet whisper.

Nick wiped the tears away from his cheek with his free hand and continued holding Kevin's hand tightly. "You scared me. Don't ever do that to me again."

Kevin shifted in the bed uncomfortably, his face contorting with pain as his body moved itself and disentangled his hand from Nick's, placing them down gently on his stomach. He leaned back against the pillows, his back supported by a mountain of softness and he closed his eyes and exhaled slowly again, wishing that whoever had saved him, didn't.

God, who had saved him? Because whoever did, he was surely going to give them a good goddamn yelling at, that was for sure. If he wanted to be saved, he would've cried out for help. But did he? No. And why would he? No reason. So who did? Obviously someone who wanted him to live, despite everything that had happened. Maybe it was Nick. Yeah, probably. He would've done that. Probably got all teary-eyed, too. Silly little boy.

"Did you..." Kevin swallowed, his throat dry and slack. "Did you save me?"

Nick shook his head. "A.J. found you in the bathroom. You'd been there for a while. He wanted to talk to you, see what was going on, see why you were so upset all the time. He wanted..." He paused to find the right words. "He wanted to help, that's all. He wanted to understand. Don't be mad at him for saving your life, Kevin. You're needed around here, got that?"

Yeah, that might've helped a long time ago, but not now, Kevin thought bitterly. "So...what did he want to understand?" he asked quietly. When Nick didn't answer and looked away, he repeated his question. "What did he want to understand, Nick?"

"Everything!" Nick cried. "He wanted to understand what was going on between us! He wanted to know why we hate each other and hurt each other! He was just being a friend, Kevin!"

Kevin narrowed his eyes. "Like you, huh? I bet you even told him why, huh, friend?"

Nick nodded, though reluctantly, but hating the way Kevin spoke to him and the way he was acting, when Nick was trying his hardest to be sincere and kind, to make it up to him, to show him that he still loved him, deep down in his heart. But it didn't seem to be working. Kevin was still as bitter as usual, nothing had changed, not even after everything had come out into the open. It was apparently clear that it hadn't changed a single damn thing.

"I did," Nick said softly.

"Jesus," Kevin whispered and sighed.

He wondered just what Nick did tell A.J. and if he told A.J. his version of the story with embellishments, at all. And he wondered what A.J. thought of him now, and if A.J. hated him as much as Nick seemed to. He wondered if everyone hated him, for it they did, well...he'd just try again, wouldn't he? Somewhere in a place where they couldn't find him, in a place where they couldn't rescue him from the hell-hole he was living in. That would be simple. Lock the door next time would certainly be a start.

"What did he say?"

"He understood," Nick said. "Brian and Howie only know half of the story, the bad half."

Kevin winced. "They know, too?" he whispered.

"Yes."

"What happened?"

"They, um, walked out on me."

Kevin sighed, closing his heavy eyes momentarily and exhaling deeply a few times to compose himself. He opened them again to find tears shining in Nick's eyes. "For God's sake, don't cry."

Nick's lower lip quivered. "I can't help it. All I ever seem to do lately is cry." He wiped the tears that were streaking his face away furiously. "You always told me not to cry. You used to say it hurt you to see me cry."

God, it still does, and I wish it didn't but it does, Kevin thought in despair, looking away from Nick so Nick could gain control over himself before turning back to him. "You know, you never did tell me why you slept with my wife."

Nick's heart stopped beating at Kevin's point-blank question. He just had to ask that, didn't he? He just had to come out and just say it? No matter how hard he was trying to make things better or how hard he tried to show him that he wasn't angry or hurt anymore, Kevin just had to ruin it all by asking that. "She said you didn't love her anymore," he said quietly, his fingers toying with the white sheet on the bed. "She said you didn't notice her anymore and you didn't love her like you used to. She came to me one night, and she was crying and she just wouldn't go...I tried and...God, I tried not to but I..."

"Couldn't help yourself," Kevin finished in a bitter whisper. His head was beginning to hurt, not to mention his wrists that were wrapped tightly with bandages. He bit down on his lower lip in thought before continuing. "I didn't realise..."

"Neither did I," Nick said. He brushed away a dark wisp of hair that fell across Kevin's forehead when he moved, his eyes trying to meet Kevin's as he did, but shifted uncomfortably underneath his blue penetrating gaze. "Kevin, I'm going to tell you something and I want you to understand that every word I'm about to say, I mean, and there's no way that I'm going to lie to you, or hurt you, or make you suffer anymore. Okay?"

Kevin nodded. "Okay."

"Right," Nick said. He took a small breath. "Kevin, I'm sorry for everything that I've done. I'm sorry for making you suffer. I'm sorry for making you hurt. I'm sorry for every tear drop that you've cried because of me. I'm sorry for everything, and I know it was my fault. I know it was, and I accept that and if you don't forgive me, I accept that, too. But from now on, I'm going to be with you day and night. That's twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, so I know that you're better again. And you will be, I know you will be. I'm a fool, Kevin, I know that now, and I'm stupid and I know I'm a little boy, just like you say, but - "

"Nick," Kevin interrupted, turning his hand over to his palm and reaching out for Nick's hand. Nick's eyes widened and he gently placed his hand on Kevin's. Kevin's fingers instinctively wrapped themselves around Nick's, though weakly clutching them together. "I could hear you. It's the weirdest thing, but when I was asleep, it was like I could hear you talking to me, like I could hear every word you said." His lower lip quivered. "But it still doesn't change the fact that you had me raped, Nick. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

"Like nothing?" Nick whispered and felt a tear trickle down his cheek. "But you know, Kevin, you did that to me, too. You raped me. All I wanted was for you to know how I felt, how my heart broke after you said you couldn't love me anymore." He sniffled back more tears. "And you know why I kissed you that day? That day after our fight in the hallway? Because that's what you used to do to me. When you said you couldn't love me anymore, that wasn't entirely the end of it, was it? Because, if I recall correctly, it was you who used to come up to me and kiss me, long after you called it quits. Well, Kevin, do you have any idea how used and weak that made me feel? Do you?"

"But, Nick," Kevin whispered, his eyes clouding over with hurt and remorse, sensing the pain in Nick's heart, not just that was visible on his face. "Didn't you know that was me telling you I still loved you? Even after everything? Didn't you know how much I was hurting? God, do you know what it's like when you look in the mirror and you don't see yourself anymore? Do you know what that's like?"

Nick nodded. "Everyday without you was like that."

"And do you know," Kevin continued, tears filling up in his eyes in spite of everything that he was telling himself, "that when you're not the person you used to be, but someone that everyone hates and loathes and screams at and continuously hurts and tortures and abuses, in millions of ways, you start to crumble inside so slowly that it's like someone's gutting you with a knife? Do you know what that feels like? Do you know that when everyone hates you, you start to think that the hate must've come from somewhere, so they must be right. Then you make yourself believe that even you hate yourself and you want nothing more than to hurt yourself, to make yourself suffer, to kill yourself?"

Nick's lower lip trembled and a tear ran down his cheek. "All I can say is I'm sorry," Nick whispered. "I can only say it so many times. You have to believe me when I say I am and when I promise you that, as long as I live, it's never going to happen again."

Kevin turned his face toward the ceiling, his face devoid of expression, his eyes closed to stop himself from letting tears fall down his face. Starting now, he was going to be stronger. And that meant no more tears. But somewhere, deep down inside, hiding away, was a little boy who wanted so desperately to cry in the arms of the blonde that was sitting before him, staring at him with tears in his crystal blue eyes, the eyes that he used to love so much, and probably still would.

 "I felt so...God, you made me feel like nothing, like I wasn't worthy of living."

"You still made me feel used," Nick replied. "You still raped me."

Kevin let go of Nick's hand and raised it to Nick's cheek, his palm pressed against Nick's skin, his fingertips lightly grazing across it. "I'm sorry, Nick, I'm so sorry for that. But I was just...so angry..."

"So was I," Nick said, closing his eyes and revelling in Kevin's caress, bringing back old, old memories, as though they had been dug up and resurfaced once again with all his feelings and fears coming along with it. "Even though mine wasn't nearly as painful as yours."

"I felt so disgusting, so violated and unclean," Kevin whispered in agony, his fingertips stroking Nick's cheek, a tear running down his own. "At least I tried to be a little gentle with you. At least I didn't tie you up and cut you with a knife."

Nick took Kevin's hand away and placed it down on his stomach gently. He stood up slowly and lifted up his shirt to reveal little tiny cuts all over his chest that were in the process of healing, the cuts colours of red, purple and blue. "Yes, you did, and I deserved it." His eyes caught sight of Kevin's involuntarily roaming his body, his green eyes widening with surprise and with a tiny aura of delight.

Nick immediately smoothed his shirt down again in embarrassment before sitting once again. "How did you do it? And I never remembered?"

Kevin shook his head despairingly. "It was a stupid thing. Your water bottle was left alone, so I....dumped a tranquilliser in it so you wouldn't." But do you remember that I kissed you and said I loved you? Not that it matters now, though...

Nick pursed his lips together. "Nice. Real nice."

Kevin shook his head in sorrow, closing his eyes and exhaling. "God, we're so fucked up, aren't we?"

"We don't have to be," Nick replied hopefully. He raised his eyebrows. "I'll try, if you try."

"Try..." Kevin trailed off softly.

Nick leaned over and kissed Kevin's forehead once again. He stared directly and resolutely into Kevin's eyes. "You're going to have to face it right now, Kevin. You're going to get better and I'm going to help you get there. And when you do, you'll be so sick of me, but you won't want to get rid of me. You know why?"

"Why?" Kevin asked.

"Because I know you still love me," Nick stated confidently.

Kevin, however, stared at him vacantly, with less confidence.

~**~

Lyrics: Alive - Pearl Jam