© Sweet Kisses™
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Only time will tell if I'll make it myself someday
This stage is mine, music is my destiny...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Britney pushed through the glass doors and walked through the building,
passing presumably corporate people who looked like clones in their suits as
she made her way over to the elevator. She had decided to push with the idea of
being her own person in terms of her career, being the only person that created
her music, created her sound, wrote her own material, the person who was in
control of her. It was the first time
ever that she had taken this kind of a step, but she was excited for the most
part and up for the challenge. Since writing her own songs, she had let out a
lot of emotions and feelings that were inside of her.
Even some that she didn't even know existed.
But she felt a lot happier and content with herself, inside herself. She
had this feeling of success and happiness for the first time in a long time and
she just knew that she had never felt better. Or looked
better. The bruises and scars had long gone and in its place was a
healthy, happy glow. She had grown her hair a little longer, which was now
half-way down her back and fell in soft, cascading waves and returned to its
natural color, a subtle chocolate brown.
She had changed her way of dressing, too. No longer did she strut her
stuff with baring-all type clothes that looked like she should be working the
streets than the stage, and she decided not to lose the weight that she had
gained while she was pregnant, although it wasn't that much but just enough to
make her look a little healthier and more "real". And for the most
part, she was going to hit the corporates with her mind and talent, not by her
body and appearance.
She had been through a lot in such a short amount of time. It could have
made her yet another person who fell victim to abuse.
But because she had overcome all that and remained her own person, she knew
that that showed her personal strength and resilience, and that in itself was
such a comforting thought for her, to persevere on with the next step of her
life.
Britney knew that she would never forget what she had been through, or
ever really recover from it all. Nobody could, she knew that. Even her
therapist told her that. She would always remember what Justin had done to her,
but she would think differently about it, in another way. In the past, she had
always presumed that it was her fault, that it was her that had made Justin the
way he was, made Justin do what he did to her. In the past, she always blamed
herself.
But now, she knew that he was the one who had the issues, who was to blame,
who had the problems, not her. He was the one that made up their bad
relationship. He was the one who made her into a weak, pitiful nothing, made
her feel like nothing, had killed her love of herself and her self-esteem. And
it was Justin who caused her to lose her child and hurt her in such a way that
she could never have children again.
When she had first been told those words, Britney was bitter. In fact,
she was more than bitter. She felt ready for murder. She pondered the thought
of killing Justin, wondering if she could do that herself. Or hire a hit-man.
But whatever way, she wanted him to die. She hated him with every single little
part of her body and she wanted him to pay. Every time she thought about never
being able to go through a pregnancy and hold her own child just seconds after
it was born, something that she would create with a man that she loved
whole-heartedly caused tears to form in her eyes. So she had been more than
bitter. She was back to being vulnerable again, and depressed.
After seeing a therapist three times a week for a few months was enough
for Britney to see the light, to see where she was going. She had realized that
she was letting Justin get the better of her, she was allowing Justin to win by
killing her love of life, and she didn't want that. She had realized that she
wanted to be the winner and that the best form of revenge was to live and be
happy, and see Justin in jail. And so, she was aiming at all those things, as
high as the stars.
She wanted to be happy, to find herself again, to regain her love of
life and maybe, just maybe, kill the silence and avoidance between herself and
someone very dear to her heart.
The elevator came to a stop and the doors opened. Britney took a deep
breath, smoothed down her business-style beige jacket and walked purposefully
out of the elevator and down the long corridor. A comfortable silence
surrounded her as she walked and she felt her heart beating strongly in her
chest. As she approached a middle-aged woman sitting behind a desk, she smiled
in a friendly way.
"Hi, I'm Britney Spears. I have an appointment with Michael and
Iverson."
The woman nodded politely and checked what Britney saw was an
appointment book. The woman then nodded and looked up with a smile.
"They're in a meeting just now so if you'd like to take a seat, they'll be
with you shortly."
"Thank you," Britney replied and walked over to a series of
five chairs that were standing in a row and sat down, feeling butterflies
swimming in her stomach. She looked down at her hands and saw that they were
shaking somewhat, so she took another deep breath and chanted a mantra in her
head that couldn't remember where she had found.
In order to be successful, one has to promote an image of success at all
times...
The elevator doors then opened again and two teenage girls stepped out
and began to walk down the hall. Britney turned her head slightly to stare at
them. She raised her eyebrows. Are they for real?
But when she thought about it and stared at them for a second longer,
she realized something: she used to be exactly like them. She used to dress the
way they did, in next to nothing clothes, complete with high-heels, badly
bleached blonde hair, way too much make-up, obviously trying to impress the
clones with something more than their voices. She felt sorry for them because
she knew exactly how they'd be treated, like nothing but a producing puppet
that didn't have a voice to be heard.
Two men suddenly stepped out of a room and looked down at Britney with
somewhat pompous smiles. "Britney. We've been
looking forward to seeing you. Come on in and we'll talk."
Britney smiled, though she was feeling nervous once again. "Thank
you," she said.
The man who Britney recognized as Michael, his last name only, closed
the door and walked over to his conference-style desk, with Iverson following
close behind. "Take a seat."
"I'd rather stand," Britney said and then got right to the
point of her meeting with them. She opened her bag and took out a small,
circular disk. "This is what I've come up with. It's material that I've
done all myself. I suggest you listen to it and understand that it's the best
work I've ever done."
Iverson crossed his arms. "And why should we? It’s us that takes care of that, Britney.”
"See, that's where you're both very wrong,” Britney objected. “I
have this belief the artist is supposed to be the one that makes the songs
because at the end of the day, it has their name on it. And I, as an artist, do
not find any satisfaction of having my name pinned to a song that, one: I
didn't write or have any involvement in and two: don't even like, putting it bluntly."
Michael gave Iverson a glance and peered at Britney with an arrogant
air. “You signed a contract with us that is firmly clear on the fact that we
choose what material you put out, that we
decide what's best for you."
Britney narrowed her eyes and stepped closer to their desk, hoping to
intimidate them, though she didn't think she really did. "See now, that really
makes me angry. That makes me think that I could, having such a name in the
industry, force this company into bankruptcy by taking all your other clients
with me when I file a law suit against you for misrepresentation. And believe
me, if I have to, I'll take every single one of your clients with me and if I
go down and lose everything, you will too and it will be worth it."
"Misrepresentation?" yelled Michael. "Britney, don't use
words you don't understand. You signed a legally-binding contract that says we
could do whatever we wanted with you. That's no mistake. Would you like to re-read your contract that has your signature on it, to refresh your memory? Misrepresentation?
We've done everything the contract said. You, my dear, have just developed
what's called an ego."
Britney, however, wasn't fazed. "Or, I could just take my business
to Sony, or
"You leave and we'll sue you for everything you're worth,"
Iverson said with a cold stare. "And don't think for one minute that we
won't."
Britney held out her arms. "Go ahead! I don't care if I lose every
goddamn penny, especially if it came from the two of you."
The two men then glanced at each other and began to confer in hushed,
whispering voices. Britney stepped back and she could tell that this was one
battle that she was going to win, the one that meant the most to her. And after
all, she wasn't asking much. She was just asking for a bit more control of her
own life. It wasn't as though she was asking for total control of the world.
But just merely control of herself, which after all, everybody wanted. Because
then if she was in control, people would see the real her and would maybe like
her for what she was, not just what she looked like. They'd like her because
she was intelligent and in control, which was what she always dreamed of.
"All right, Britney," Iverson said, turning away from his
corporate partner and eyeing her with a condescending look, "we've agreed
to a listen of your material. If we think it's viable for making a lot of money
- "
"That's not what it's about," Britney interrupted strongly
with a frown. "What I've done is not for making me, or you, a lot of
money. It was for myself, to see if I had the guts to
go ahead with something different. I don't care if it doesn't make a single
cent. It's worth much more to me than that."
Iverson cringed just a fraction and turned to
his partner for a moment. "Well, we'll let you know what happens. That is
all. You're free to leave."
"Thank God," Britney murmured, turning around and walking out
of the office, closing the door firmly behind her. She leaned against the door,
closed her eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. When she opened her eyes again,
she saw that the two girls she had seen previously were sitting down, obviously
awaiting their time to meet with the people Britney had come to hate.
Britney turned on her heel and walked back down the corridor to the
elevator. She turned around just in time to see them walking into an office. As
they did, they both stopped and glared at her before disappearing into the
office with Iverson and Michael. She sighed and stepped into the elevator. She
hated the way some people thought of her. She had been portrayed and publicized
in such a way that it made people think that she didn't have a brain or
couldn't think of a single thing for herself. And she hated that, she really
did, but she found some comfort in knowing that she had started the changing
process.
The doors opened and Britney stepped out and headed over to the glass
doors of the building. As she did, the sound of her cell phone stopped her. She
snatched it quickly out of her bag. "Hello?"
"Britney."
Britney felt her heart stop. Or it quickening. She didn't quite know.
But she felt weak in the stomach all of a sudden and the voice she heard brang
back a lot of memories for her, some of which she had tried to forget. But then
she remembered that she couldn't forget about the past, but learn from it
instead. Instead of thinking about the past as a nightmare, she had to think of
it as a learning experience. She pushed through the doors and walked over to
the nearest seat in the warm sunshine, something she had come to love.
"Nick?"
Nick paused for a moment. "I know it’s been a while and I know you
hate me – “
“I don’t hate you.”
“Yeah, well, I heard about your meeting that was scheduled today and
I-I, umm...just wanted to know how it all went."
Britney crossed her legs and raised her face toward the sun. "It
was very good. I think I made them hate me, but I hate them so it's mutual. But
it went very well. I think they're going to let me have a little more
involvement in the production side of my music, which is something I've always
wanted."
"I'm sorry, Britney," Nick said suddenly. "I really am.
I’m sorry for everything. I just thought I should tell you that."
Britney lowered her head and gazed at a couple that were enjoying the
warm day with their baby, who was sitting on a colorful blanket, giggling at
the father who was tickling his child. She smiled softly. "Don't worry.
It's okay, really. I'm okay. I'm
doing better now than I ever was and I don't blame you for anything. Not for
anything, understand?"
"But you did," Nick answered softly.
"I know, but I was just angry," Britney replied. “I was very
hurt and angry at the time, and very bitter. You were the closest to my heart
that I could hurt, so I did. You didn’t do anything wrong, so don’t ever think
that you did.”
"So am I just a distraction for you right now?" Nick asked,
sounding clearly hurt. “You don’t need me anymore?”
"No," Britney said. "Right now, I want to be on my own.
I'm sorry if that hurts you and I'm sorry if you're hurting now, but you taught
me to look after myself and I'm trying to do that."
"Didn't I love you enough?" Nick persisted. “Is that it?
Didn’t I love you enough? Did I suffocate you, just like you said? Were we
wrong for what we did?”
Britney sighed. She hated these questions. She really did. When she
tried to forget about what she had been through, Nick just had to go and bring
it all back again. "Yes, you did love me enough and no, we didn’t do a
thing wrong. We did what people do when they’re in love and there’s no crime in
that. I did everything that I did with you by my own will, because I wanted to.
You really made me see what true love was all about, even if it was for a
little while. You taught me how to love and I'll never forget that. You’ll
always be special to me but you want me to be a person that I'm not anymore.
I'm not vulnerable and weak like I used to be. You have to understand
that."
"I guess..." Nick's voice came across somewhat scratchy.
"I guess I like the vulnerable girl a little more, and maybe you're right.
But you do sound very strong, I'll admit that."
"Thank you," Britney said, her eyes drifting back to the
family on the colorful blanket. "Can I just be really straight with you
here, so that you understand what I'm going through? You, me, Justin, the baby,
marriage.....do you understand how that almost killed me? Put yourself in my
shoes and try and understand how I felt and why I reacted like I did and why I
was so vulnerable. I do love you, Nick, and I think that whoever you end up
with will be very lucky."
"I was supposed to end up with you," Nick said wistfully.
Britney ignored his last words purposefully. "But I love you in a
different way now. In the past, I thought I loved you enough to marry you and
raise a child with you. I really did and I still believe that you’ll be a great
father and husband someday. But I've realized since being alone that I really only loved you because you took me away from Justin
and you were the first man who showed me real love, so I embraced that. And I'm
sorry. I really am sorry if this hurts you, but I love you because of what we
experienced. We'll be tied together for life because of this, you know."
“Then why can’t be together like we wanted to be if this is going to tie
us together for life like you say?” Nick objected.
“It’s all different now and we just can’t,” Britney said. “It’s all
different and we’re different. You’re in love with a person that I’m not. What
you want is just an image, not me or how I am now.”
"What about Justin?" Nick asked. "What about him? What
happened?"
"He agreed to 28 days in rehab and community service instead of
jail sentence," Britney answered. "It was better for his image
apparently," she added in somewhat bitter tone.
"Can I see you?" Nick suddenly pleaded desperately, sounding
very close to tears. "Can I? Please?"
Britney paused for a moment, debating her options. She bit down on her
lower lip and made her choice. "No, you can't see me. You can't win me
over anymore with diamonds and promises of forever. Right now I'm trying to get
my life sorted out and if I did…" She paused again and sighed. "Nick,
you know what would happen," she whispered.
"Okay, I guess I understand," Nick relented. "But
remember that I love you. Nobody will love you like me. I’ll wait forever if I
have to…"
Britney heard the sadness in his voice and it made her want to cry. And
she hated him for making her want to do that. And that was one of the reasons
why she didn't want to see him. She had cried enough for one lifetime and it
was the best thing for her to smile. And having people around her like Nick,
who was still hanging on vigilantly to the past, was not a good idea.
"Is that all you wanted to
say?"
"I guess so."
"Bye, Nick."
Britney placed her cell phone back into her bag and stared at the world passing
her by. There was so much to experience, so much to accomplish, so many
different people to meet that could make a difference in the world…
She stood up and made yet another decision. She wanted to become one of
those people who made a difference. Smiling softly and feeling the warmth of
the sun on her back, she began to walk away from the building and from her
conversation with Nick and whatever feelings she had for Nick, determined never
to look back at the past, but to look forward to what the future would hold for
her.
~**~
Lyrics: Helpless - Metallica (Original: