Commitment

© Sweet Kisses™

~*~

September, 2001

This isn’t working. It hasn’t been for a long time. I didn’t want to admit it because I really wanted this to work. I really did. I still do. But I can’t just look away from what’s right in front of me. This just isn’t working anymore. It’s not fun anymore. It’s too complicated. He keeps making things that aren’t complicated into things that are and whatever I do just never seems to be enough. He’s hardly touched me in over six weeks and it makes me feel as though he can’t stand me near him or close to him or I have some dreaded disease. That in itself tells me everything. I guess I don’t measure up to his equation of perfect. But it’s okay. I can admit that and see everything now for what it is.

He just doesn’t trust me anymore, and I don’t blame him, especially after what I did. I guess I just hurt him too much, because no matter what I do, even if it’s everything he wants me to do or everything he wants me to be, is still not enough. He still doesn’t, and probably won’t, trust me. Not like before. But it’s okay. I can understand why. He’s just trying to protect himself from more hurt, and I guess if I were him, I’d do the same.

It’s been an experience.

~**~

Nick and Kevin sat down beside each other on a plush beige couch in a room that was very familiar to Nick, facing a person that was very familiar to Nick. It was Nick’s mother, Jane. They had both decided that it was the right thing to do to talk everything over with her face to face, and eventually Nick would do the same with Kevin’s mother. But they were both nervous, because her face hardly showed any emotion and even though she had seemed okay with the idea of them both together, who knew what her reaction would be once she saw it in reality? It was just like A.J.

A.J. seemed to be okay with the idea of them together, but when he saw it in reality, in front of his very eyes, they could both tell that he was uncomfortable. Just like their other so called ‘friends’ that were supposed to be supportive. They both just hoped that nothing would ever stop them from being together, or anything pulling them apart. They didn’t want acceptance from the whole world, just the acceptance of the people that were important to the both of them, and that would make all the difference.

If they had the support of their friends and family, they could surely overcome anything.

They both believed in that, but even some of their friends were hardly accepting of all of this. They understood that. Both Nick and Kevin tried to imagine how they were all feeling and they understood that it made them uncomfortable and that the fact that they were together was weird and even slightly unnerving, but surely, eventually, they just had to overlook that and still see that underneath everything, underneath everything that was showing on the outside, underneath they were still the same Nick and Kevin as before.

Just now they loved each other a little more than they used to. And after all, best friends fell in love all the time. That in itself was hardly a breakthrough. Best friends fell in love and managed to keep their friends as well. They just hoped that it mean that for them, too.

Jane eyed them with an impassive expression and placed her coffee cup down on the coffee table after taking a small, tentative sip. “So, start from the beginning. Tell me how this all happened. I’m interested, to say the least.”

Kevin turned to Nick with a small smile. “You want to tell her?”

Nick was silent for a moment, just gathering his thoughts and feelings and emotions before he spoke. “Well,” he began softly, “I guess I’ve loved him for a long time subconsciously but I didn’t fully realize it until I was old enough to understand what I was feeling. I mean, I always admired him, sure, because he was the oldest, he was always so calm, so controlling, so together and everyone always commented on how perfect he always was. He was like the older brother I never had. But then when I was old enough to distinguish admiration and infatuation, I finally understood what I was feeling. I understood that I was feeling more than admiration. I was feeling love.”

Jane nodded slowly, pondering her son’s words. “Okay. I can deal with that. But was it just one thing in particular that made you feel like that? Or was it just a lot of little things that just added up into a big thing?”

“I’d say it was a lot of little things,” Nick said, “and it just added up into a nice feeling that I loved to feel.”

“So how did the two of you end up being together? How did you end up where you are now?” Jane asked calmly.

Nick turned to Kevin. “I’ll let you take this one.”

“It was back in February,” Kevin said, casting Nick a soft smile, “and Nick came up to me one day and told me he had something to tell me. He told me he loved me. I said the same, thinking that it was completely brotherly. But he said it again and I suddenly realized what he meant. He became really upset when I mentioned that it pretty much made me afraid since I was still married and he apologized to me. He said he didn’t mean to tell me and that I should forget that he said anything to me. But I found myself thinking more and more about what he had told me and I felt...well...flattered. And the more I thought about it, the more certain I became that I felt something very strong for him. And then I started to spend more and more time with him, alone with him, and it was just like what happens in really trashy romance novels.” He shrugged helplessly. “I felt the same.”

A tiny frown crossed Jane’s face and she leaned forward in her seat. “So let me get this straight. Nick told you how he felt about you and after a lot of thought and a lot of time spent with him, you felt the same. Is that right?”

Kevin nodded. “That’s right.”

Jane sat back in her seat and sighed. “Well, I’ll tell you right now that it’s usually how love goes. Once you get to know someone you have feelings for away from their friends, family, work and so on and you get to know them intimately, you discover all these feelings and emotions for that person that you never knew you even felt. They just all of a sudden turn up at the door of your heart, unexpectedly. That’s the nature of love and it’s seems that’s how you two ended up together. I don’t blame either of you for that. Love works in mysterious ways and you certainly can’t change how you feel or what your heart wants.”

Nick let out a shaky sigh. “Please,” he begged, “this is not a bad thing. Honestly. If you just forget the fact that we’re both what we are, you really would see something really beautiful and truly special.”

Jane leaned forward in her seat again, clasping her hands together. “Nick, honey I love you, but nobody, not even the person that brought you into this world, can forget the fact that you’re both men and that a lot of people have trouble accepting two men together. And I’m not one of those people, you know that. I’ve never been homophobic, I don’t mind those who are because I believe it’s a person choice and it doesn’t make a person who they are and I’ve never told you that it was wrong. But there are a lot of people out there who do think that it’s wrong, that it’s a bad thing, that it’s an abomination.”

Kevin eyes clouded over with the remembrance of Brian and his words. “Yeah, we’ve experienced that already and we’ve tried to deal with it in the best way possible.”

“How are you dealing with it? Just out of curiosity. How will you deal with it in future?” Jane questioned, raising her eyebrows. “There’s only so many times you can be called horrible names and ignore them until all the ignoring finally snaps something inside of you and you finally react.”

“So far it’s only been the odd few who’ve had trouble accepting this,” Kevin explained. “But I guess in time it’ll get easier and we honestly don’t worry about what outsiders think about this. What matters to us is that our friends and family accept this. That’s all we want.”

Jane nodded. “Okay, fair enough. But let me ask you this. Do you both feel comfortable going out together, to clubs like a normal couple? And you don’t think that if you did that, there wouldn’t be a chance of conflict with those who are discerning? And if the both of you do ever decide to go out together, like a man and a woman would, say to dinner or something, you don’t think that you’d get strange looks, maybe even a few cruel comments and taunts, perhaps even possibly asked to leave?”

“We’ll deal with it when it happens,” Nick said tersely.  

Jane took hold of Nick’s hands with her own hands and gazed into his eyes with sympathy. “I’m just trying to get you to think about the everyday things that a normal couple does.”

“We are a normal couple,” Nick objected softly, his voice quivering, his eyes filling up with tears. “Why does everyone think we’re not normal? We’re not fucking sub-humans! We are normal! We do everything that a normal couple does! We are normal! We are!”

Jane let go of Nick’s hands and sat back against the couch she was sitting on once again and watched Nick fall into Kevin's arms in a tearful heap and how Kevin tried to comfort him. Kevin wrapped his arms around Nick and held him tight, Nick’s face buried in Kevin’s neck, himself holding onto Kevin for dear life, gripping Kevin’s shirt tightly. Jane quietly observed how her son was being comforted in a loving way by another man. Kevin crooned soft words into his ear, trying in vain to ease Nick’s hurt and tears, caressing the small of Nick’s back in little, soft strokes.

She raised her eyebrows when she became aware that Kevin’s hands, obviously instinctively, found themselves underneath Nick’s shirt. She had no idea how much Nick seemed to need someone who was a lot stronger than he was. Someone that was as strong as Kevin, and while she gazed at the two men in each other’s arms, her eyes were aware of the small kisses Kevin placed on Nick’s cheeks.

She looked away for a moment and when she placed her eyes on them once again, she was surprised to find that Nick had stopped crying and was sitting up once again, his eyes still red, but his tears had ceased, nonetheless. And it was all because of Kevin.

Amazing, she thought.

Nick sniffed softly, staring down at the carpet. “Sorry.”

Jane smiled and leaned across to place a small kiss on his forehead. “It’s okay, honey. I’m trying to understand. I really am.” She sat back and exhaled slowly, deeply. “Okay, I’m certain that you’re like a normal couple and you do normal things that a normal couple would do, and I’m trying my hardest here to understand and accept and sympathize. But I’m not sure about your brothers and sisters, Nick, or your father. I’ll do my best to make them see how you feel, but honestly, I can’t make them feel what I feel. All I can do is make the whole thing as easy as possible to empathize with, but after that, my hands are tied.”

Nick nodded. “Okay. I guess that’s the best I can hope for.”

Kevin took his eyes off Nick for a moment and turned to Jane with concerned eyes. “Do you think that if they heard it from the both of us, it would be better?”

Jane shook her head. “Let me break ground first, and then you two can step in. But it’s a good thing that they know you as they do, Kevin. I think it would be much more difficult if they didn’t.” She stood up and took Nick in her arms. “I love you, honey. Nothing you could do would ever change that, you hear me? Nothing. Always remember that.”

Nick held his mother in his arms for a long moment, loving and reveling in the love and understanding she gave him. “Thank you,” he whispered. “Thank you so much.”

After letting him go, Jane turned to Kevin. “Can I have a word with you for a moment?”

Kevin nodded. “Sure.”

Nick placed his hand on Kevin’s arm. “I’ll meet you outside,” and after exchanging a few last words, he was out the door.

Once the door closed behind Nick, the smile died on Jane’s face. “Let me make something really clear here, Kevin. I love Nick and I love anyone who loves him, as any mother would. But like any mother, I would also hunt down the person that would ever hurt him. He’s a very special person, Kevin, and he doesn’t take to hurt very well. He needs someone strong. Like you, I imagine. And you’ve showed me that you really love him and that you’ll take care of him. Now, that’s something I’ve always wanted for my children. Someone to care for them and love them. Like you do with Nick.” She paused for a moment. “How does your mother feel about this? How is she dealing with it? And your brothers? What do they think?”

Kevin shrugged. “She first thought it was a joke and she started laughing when I told her, but when she realized that I was serious, she started crying. I think it was more out of shock than anything else. My brothers are uncomfortable around me. They try to hide it, but I can tell. I know what they think. They think that if I turned this way, they might as well, so they keep a fair distance from me. Which isn’t the nicest thing, but I’m sure they’ll deal with it in time.” He shrugged again. “I love Nick, and nothing’s going to stop me from doing that.”

A small smile appeared on Jane’s face once again. “So, I guess I should welcome you to the family, since I’m sure you’ll be seeing us a lot more from now on, right?”

A bright smile broke across Kevin’s face and he let out a happy laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.” He shook his head in disbelief. “You really are one in a million.”

Jane smiled coyly. “I’m not one in a million, I’m simply a realist. If I didn’t accept this, I’m sure that I’d never see Nick again and I’m sure you can imagine the bond between a mother and her first-born son. Nothing could ever break that.”

Kevin nodded appreciatively. “Thank you. Thank you so much. I...just...no words can describe it. But thank you.”

“Not a problem,” Jane said and pointed to the door. “Now get out of here. Nick’s waiting for you.”

~***~

After one confrontation, they decided to go straight onto the next. Which just happened to be Howie. They both decided to confront him since he obviously didn’t have the nerve to confront them in the first place. They just decided to take it upon themselves to get some answers out of him and why he had been blatantly ignoring them ever since they had moved in together. They both didn’t understand how that would make one smidgen of difference to him, but obviously it did and they wanted to find out why.

Once and for all.

And if they found out the reasons why, then they could comprehend the whole situation and go from there and maybe make Howie understand what he had been doing, whether or not he was aware of what he had been doing and causing, and how they were and why they were so convinced on being together.

And so they stood in front his house, much in the same fashion they had when they had confronted Brian, with the same feelings and emotions they felt when they had faced Brian and stood in front of Brian’s house. All they wanted was just a bit of understanding and maybe even a little bit of compassion because, after all, this whole thing wasn’t as easy as it appeared to be. Love was difficult enough without heaving on extra stresses and complexes and problems. It was surely something that they both knew from what they had experienced to date and it wasn’t exactly a bed of sweet-smelling roses.

In fact, some parts were hell.

They waited for the door to open and when it did, Howie’s eyes instantly widened and his face wore a shocked expression. “Kevin. Nick. What...what are you two doing here?”

“We wanted to talk,” Kevin said forcefully and pushed the door open. “Now. And don’t even think about shutting us out.”

Howie looked from Kevin, to Nick, and then back to Kevin and realized he was losing a battle. He nodded reluctantly. “Okay, sure. Come on in.”

The first thing Nick said when he sat down in the comfortable living room was, “Why have you been ignoring us? Do you have any idea how that makes us feel?”

Howie frowned. “I haven’t been ignoring you. I’ve just been...really busy. I’ve barely even had time to sit down. Honestly.”

Kevin narrowed his eyes and his anger was on the border of release. “That’s bullshit, and you know it. We’ve always made time for each other. Always. No matter how busy we all are. And you know why? Because we’re friends. We’re all friends and friends make time for each other. They don’t ignore each other as blatantly as you have been doing with us. Admit it, it’s what you’ve been doing.”

Nick, however, tried a gentler approach. “Don’t you like us anymore because we’re together? Is that it? Do we disgust you? Do you hate us? Do we make you sick? Tell us, so we can understand and work out why you don’t want to talk to us or be around us any more.”

Kevin’s anger still reeled inside him. “Fucking admit it! You hate us because of what we’re doing! And so you know what? I’ll admit something here, just to make it easier for you, so you can get an idea of everything. Yes, Nick and I are best friends. Yes, Nick and I are together. Yes, Nick and I live together. Yes, Nick and I share the same bed. Yes, Nick and I shower together sometimes. Yes, Nick and I kiss. Yes, Nick and I touch each other. Yes, Nick and I even have sex. And you know what that all adds up to? A couple. A normal couple. A normal couple that does normal fucking things!”

“All right!” Howie cried. “Yes, I do have a problem with the both of you! You don’t seem to understand what it’s like seeing you two together from another perspective! Obviously, Kevin, you’re too caught up in your so-hard-done-by anger that you can’t look past either of you! Drop your woe-is-me act and look at it from my perspective. Your friend. Its goddamn difficult seeing you together after all these years when all of a sudden you announce that you’re in love and we have to deal with it pronto or else we get slammed for homophobia. And you know what? I’m not homophobic. But I do have a problem seeing two of my best friends together, who are male, when they’ve basically grown up as brothers. Christ, Kevin, you were like his father when he was thirteen, not his lover!”

“He’s not thirteen anymore,” Kevin pointed out in a relatively controlled voice. “But let’s get to the real issue. You just don’t want to understand. Because it’s much easier for you if you just ignore what’s going on. If you just throw this issue into the too-tough basket, you don’t have to think about this or deal with this. Maybe you’re ashamed of us. Maybe you hate the fact that Nick and I find it okay to kiss and hold each other and express our feelings so easily, when you’ve had a difficult time with love. Maybe you’re just jealous.”

Howie shook his head. “Trust me, Kevin, I’m anything but jealous.”

“Then what’s the problem?” Nick exclaimed, his blue eyes wide. “What can explain why you’ve been ignoring us? How would you like it if we just turned our backs on you if you were in our situation? How would you like that? You wouldn’t, and you know it.”

Howie remained impassive. “I know I wouldn’t, but this isn’t happening to me. It’s happening to you, and you still can’t comprehend what I’m saying. I’m not saying I hate you. I’m not saying you make me sick. I’m not saying that I think it’s disgusting, and I don’t. What I’m saying is that I’ve known you two for so long and you’ve been like brothers. It’s just so difficult seeing you two in love all of a sudden. I find it...I find it strange. Complicated. Difficult to understand.”

“What’s to understand?” Nick asked in a low voice. “We’re in love, and that’s it.”

“Maybe if you spent more time with us, you’d even get over that problem,” Kevin pointed out.

Howie eyed them suspiciously. “Is that what you want? Is that what you think will make it easier? Me seeing you two together more often?”

Kevin shrugged. “It’d get you used to us, for a start. I’m sure it won’t do any harm. Just...just don’t shut us out. We really don’t need it.”

Howie’s eyes began to plead with them. “What can I promise you but a possibility of trying?”

“I’d say it’s a good first step,” Nick said, nodding approvingly. “Just don’t ignore us anymore. There’s no reason to be afraid of us. We won’t ignore you, or forget you. Promise.”

Howie chuckled. “That’s not what I was worried about, but thanks for thinking of me, Nick. That’s nice of you.” The smile died on his face slowly. “Let me tell you something. Do you remember the curse of best friends in love? When two people fall in love, who have been best friends like you two, they think they’re invincible and that they won’t be prone to problems because their relationship as friends has been near-perfect. But what happens if the best friends break up? They don’t even remain platonic, not even politely. They start to ignore each other, they avoid each other and the friends around them struggle to keep everything together. And that’s what I don’t want to happen. Because if it does, then we’re all lost, aren’t we? Simply because you two just fell in love and were convinced that your love would last a lifetime.”

“That won’t happen,” Kevin whispered. “It won’t.”

“But you can’t promise me that, can you?” Howie asked him in reply. “You can’t. Nobody can. And so, I think you should let me think this over for a while.”

They stood at the front door yet again, Howie holding it open for Nick and Kevin to walk through. His eyes were downcast. “I’m sorry. I can imagine how difficult it’s been for you. I guess I wasn’t doing either of you much good. But you have to understand what I was feeling. And I still feel it. But I’m willing to try. Just let me think this all over. Okay?”

Nick smiled. “Good.”

Kevin held out his hand. “All I can ask of you is a try, at least,” he said, shaking Howie’s hand. “So I guess we’ll see you soon, hopefully?”

Howie fell silent for a moment, staring into Kevin’s eyes, his own eyes narrowing for a second. “Well...umm...I’ll try. I’ll see how it goes.”

Nick watched the door close without another word and shrugged. “I guess there’s nothing more we can do, huh?” he said, stepping closer to Kevin and wrapping his arms around Kevin’s neck. “I love you,” he added in a whisper and pressed his lips down firmly on Kevin’s, kissing him more fiercely, more hungrily than he had in a long time.

Kevin let out a muffled cry and pushed Nick away. “What are you doing?”

Nick bit down on his lower lip and his gaze fell to his feet. Suddenly he became aware of something. Suddenly he became aware of a problem that had been growing for some time. He finally admitted something to himself. Something that he didn’t want to admit, but something that had been building up for a long time and had finally surfaced, once and for all. He looked at Kevin with sad eyes.

“This isn’t working, is it?” he asked softly, though making it sound more like a statement rather than a question.

Kevin’s mouth fell open and his eyes widened in horror. “What? What do you mean? What are you saying?”

Nick continued to bite down on his lower lip and took hold of his left hand and reluctantly slid off his gold ring, taking hold of Kevin’s hand, placing the ring in Kevin’s palm and then clenching his fist around it. He exhaled slowly. “I need to be by myself for a while. I...I guess I’ll see you...” He finished the sentence by shrugging and shaking his head before walking down the driveway.

“Nick!” Kevin called out. “Where are you going?”

Kevin received no answer, so he continued to call out to Nick, and Nick never responded. He just kept on walking. Kept on walking until he became nothing more than a small figure disappearing into the distance. And when he finally did disappear, Kevin felt a single tear trickle down his cheek.

~****~